Eleanor quotes from The Good Place

Eleanor

Pretty unique decorating style you have here, Jianyu. It's like, "12-year-old boy" meets "13-year-old boy."

Eleanor

I read this entire David Hume book, and then I read it again because I didn't understand it the first time, and now I'm ready to go.

Eleanor

When I told a boyfriend something was "no big deal," it meant anything from "I just bought weed from your nephew," to "I secretly befriended your ex-girlfriend last year, things got out of hand, and now I'm her bridesmaid."

Eleanor

I would love to not watch TV, but you canceled school. [gasps] What have you done to me, you monster?

Eleanor

Yeah, I know, you want to do that thing where we're arguing and fighting, but then suddenly it's like, "Whoa, this is hot," and we start making out. Dream on! Or, whatever, fine, let's just do it.

Eleanor

It's not just that helping me is a full-time job that you feel you have to do. The real problem is, that the more you help me, the greater the chance is that I can stay here, and me staying here means you'll never get a real soul mate. I'm basically a Utilitarian nightmare.

Eleanor

Well, Michael did bring me here, which was the mistake that led to all the other problems. So, in that sense, he is the real problem. Ha! How do you like them ethics? I just ethics'd you in the face, Chidi!

Eleanor

Why do bad things always happen to mediocre people who are lying about their identities?

Eleanor

There are way more things I hate about Chidi than like about him. His stupid Clark Kent glasses, his extensive turtleneck collection, oh, and he loves ethics so much. He once talked about John Rawls for two hours... I timed it. And he only stopped because he saw me timing him. Granted, he laughed, and kind of made fun of himself, it was a nice moment, but still. He always twitches his eyebrows when he says "absolutism," and he tilts his head whenever I say anything ignorant, but he never makes fun of me, which is nice. He's also incredibly patient, and kind, and surprisingly jacked, and, oh, fork, I'm in love with Chidi!

Eleanor

You saw us all on Earth: a selfish ass, an idiot DJ, a tortured academic, a hot, rich fraud with legs for days…side note, I might legit be into Tahani.

Eleanor

Okay, Chidi, where are you? Or whuuuat are you? A type of soup, maybe?

Eleanor

I've only ever said "I love you" to two men my entire life, Stone Cold Steve Austin and a guy in a dark club who I mistook for Stone Cold Steve Austin.

Eleanor

I mean, whenever I would do something crappy on Earth, there would be a little tiny voice in the back of my head that would say, "Eleanor, don't grab that handful of olives from the salad bar. You know, you didn't pay for that," or "Eleanor, don't spit those olive pits onto the floor of the grocery store. That's not cool." Or "Eleanor, that old man just slipped on your olive pit, and he fell down. Don't use the fact that everyone's distracted to go back and steal more olives."

Michael

Hi, Eleanor. I'm Michael. How are you today?

Eleanor

I'm great. Thanks for asking. Oh, one question. Where am I? Who are you? And what's going on?

Michael

Right, so, you, Eleanor Shellstrop, are dead. Your life on Earth has ended, and you are now in the next phase of your existence in the universe.

Eleanor

Cool.

Eleanor

Um, so who was right? I mean about all of this?

Michael

Well, let's see. Hindus are a little bit right, Muslims a little bit. Jews, Christians, Buddhists, every religion guessed about 5%, except for Doug Forcett.

Eleanor

Who's Doug Forcett?

Michael

Well, Doug was a stoner kid who lived in Calgary during the 1970s. One night, he got really high on mushrooms, and his best friend, Randy, said, "Hey, what do you think happens after we die?" And Doug just launched into this long monologue where he got like 92% correct. I mean, we couldn't believe what we were hearing!