Michael quotes from The Good Place

Michael

Welcome to the Good Place. Sponsored by: otters holding hands while they sleep! You know the way you feel when you see a picture of two otters holding hands? That's how you're gonna feel every day.

Michael

I've been working on my Western Hemisphere brunch banter. Tell me what you think. That New Yorker article was crazy. You haven't seen Hamilton? Hey, did you hear about Stephanie?

Michael

I give up. I can't help the people I promised that I would help. I feel like Friends in season eight, out of ideas and forcing Joey and Rachel together, even though it made no sense.

Michael

I'm sorry I was so grumpy. It's just I'm sad that I have to leave before doing all the human things that I wanted to do. I wanted to get my hair wet. You know? I wanted to pull a hamstring. To learn the difference between "toward" and "towards." I wanted to do that thing where you walk down the hallway, and someone else is walking the other way, and then you both lean to one side and then the other, and then you both chuckle over your shared foible. I wanted to get a rewards card, any rewards card. I wanted to talk briefly to someone and then say, "Take it sleazy."

Michael

Want some pizza? Bad Place crew delivered a hundred of these to my office. All Hawaiian, the worst pizza.

Michael

Hello, everyone. Good to see you all here, mingling around with your various secrets. Who really knows which of you are who you say you are? No way to know unless I pull your skeletons out, right?

Michael

We can do this, but we must remain emotionless. I'm talking "Kristen Stewart on a red carpet" level of emotionless here, all right?

Michael

Actually, it is kind of clever how they punish philosophers. Every day, they make them go to school naked, and then they take a test in a class they've never been to. And then they smash them with hammers. And that part is not so clever.

Michael

Now, normally, our omniscient system perfectly analyzes each person's profile, and then matches him or her with another person. But in your case, the system matched you with two other people. It's a rare occurrence, like a double rainbow, or someone on the Internet saying, "You know what? You've convinced me I was wrong."

Michael

Eleanor's not drinking? She brought a flask in the car during her driver's test! Okay, we need to keep things moving here. I'm about to make her talk for an hour. She'll definitely end up insulting somebody.

Michael

They're gonna hang my picture in the Bad Place Hall of Fame right next to the guy who invented bees with teeth.

Michael

Vicky, let's look at the big picture here. Now, if you all can just stick with my plan and we pull it off, we'll be heroes. You could write your own ticket. You might even land the Jared from Subway account.

Michael

Okay, I know what you're thinking. Birth is a curse, and existence is a prison. But don't think about that. Don't be sad, you guys. Focus on something great like Drakkar Noir which I am wearing a lot of tonight. Or the Sharper Image Catalog. What can't those guys ionize? By the way, I am feeling amazing. I'm going to do some push-ups. Then we'll go around the room and name our favorite cheese.

Michael

They keep their Janets in a neutral pocket dimension beneath the shapeless time void. It's right next to Accounting.

Michael

Oh, Kierkegaard is so great. Have you read "Fear and Trembling"? Well, I don't know, have you read "Boring and Stupid"? Because that's what you are.