Bad Janet quotes from The Good Place

Jason, when I was rebooted, and I lost all my knowledge, I was confused and disoriented, but you were always kind to me. And according to the central theme of 231,600 songs, movies, poems, and novels that I researched for these vows in the last three seconds, that's what love's all about.

Hi there. How can I help you?

Eleanor

What the fork? Who are you?

I'm Janet. I'm the informational assistant here in the Good Place.

Chidi

She's like this walking database. You can ask her about the creation of the universe or history...

Eleanor

Oh, there was a guy who lived in Avondale, Arizona, around 2002. His name was Kevin Paltonic. Is he gay?

No.

Eleanor

Really? Huh. I guess he just didn't want to have sex with me.

That's correct.

Eleanor

Well, that's fine, I wasn't that into him anyway.

Yes, you were.

Eleanor

Quick question: can anyone access our search history, or is this an incognito browsing situation like when you're stalking a hot mailman from your work computer?

It is 100% confidential. No one can access what you ask me, including Michael. Now, what kind of pornography would you like to see?

Hi, there! We have a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis.

Michael

A Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis!?

Tahani

Sorry, what is a Category 55 Emergency Doomsday Crisis?

Michael

It's nothing, it's a tiny little inconvenience. Tahani, dear, could you show us to a private room where no one can see or hear us, even if I yell very loudly out of fear?

There have been 25 generations of Janet. Each new update of Janet gains more wisdom and social abilities. Fun fact: the first Janet had a click wheel.

Chidi

So it's like aging for a human? You're growing up?

That's how I like to think of it, Chidi. I can't eat, so every time there's a new version of Janet, I like to take a piece of birthday cake and smash it around where my mouth is.

Chidi, I can see that you're worried, and I just want to assure you, I am not human, and I cannot feel pain.

Chidi

Ah, thank you. That helps.

However, I should warn you... I am programmed with a fail-safe measure. As you approach the kill switch, I will begin to beg for my life. It's just there in case of an accidental shut down, but it will seem very real.

Eleanor

Cool. So who's doing this, me or you?

Chidi

I think I have to. Um, being a bystander seems worse, somehow. Okay, here we go.

[begging] Chidi, no, no, no! Chidi, please! Please, please, please don't hurt me. I don't want to die! Please, please...

Chidi

Ah!

Again, I am not human. I can't die. I am simply an anthropomorphized vessel of knowledge built to make your life easier.

Chidi

Your pleading seems so real.

Oh, yes, it is a very effective fail-safe.

Chidi

Janet, would you please recite the English alphabet?

A-B... Janet.

Eleanor

She knows her A-B-Janets.

Chidi

She literally knew everything in the universe, and now she's a baby.

Michael, good news. I was able to obtain Eleanor Shellstrop's file.

Michael

Is it actually a cactus?

I don't understand.

Michael

I want to see the file for Eleanor Shellstrop. Is that what you have, or do you have a cactus?

I have the file.

Michael

You're sure? You have the file and not a cactus?

That is correct. I have Eleanor Shellstrop's file. I do not have a cactus.

Michael

Excellent. Please, give me the file.

Here you go.

Oh, huh, gimme some jalapeño poppers.

Sure, quick question: what is a "jalapeño"? Also: what is a "poppers"? Also: what is "jalapeño poppers"?

People keep asking me questions that I don't know the answers to.

Jason

That was my whole life on Earth. You know, it doesn't matter if you know things. All that matters is what's in your heart.

Thanks, Jianyu. I mean, it does matter if I know things, because I'm an informational delivery system, and I don't have a heart, but thanks. Jianyu, I know usually you ask me questions, but can I ask you a question? What are jalapeño poppers?

Jason

Oh, I know this one! Okay, they're deep fried jalapeños filled with cheese. Hm. One time, at a Buffalo Wild Wings in Jacksonville, but the nice one, not the one above the gas station, I ate 50 of them in two minutes. Everyone at the hospital was so impressed.

Jason

We love each other. She makes the bass drop in my heart.

And Jason is a person who was near me, and then he asked me to marry him, and there is nothing in my protocol that specifically barred that from happening. So I agreed.

Jason

Love you too, babe.

Jason

Janet, you need to leave me. You're the smartest girl in the world...

I'm not a girl.

Jason

And your dad is an angel. I mean, what a family. I'm just a dope who died in a safe with a snorkel... who's only now realizing why that didn't work. You should be with someone better. I don't deserve you.

Jason, you are all that I care about, possibly because I did not have the capacity to care about anything before you. I love you. Also, interesting sidenote, I think I might hate things now, too. So far, it's genocide and leggings as pants.

Eleanor

Can this train go any faster, Janet? No pressure, but Jason and I will literally be tortured for all of eternity if we get caught.

Don't worry, there's no way to tell we're going to Mindy St. Clair's house. It'll be our sexy little secret. Jason taught me about sexy things.

Eleanor

Oh, yeah? What things did he say were sexy?

Lamborghinis, cool snakes, spinning rims, 20,000 followers on Instagram, girls with pigtails eating lollipops, latex pants, Carl's Jr. ads, and sex.

Eleanor

Eh, some of those are right.

Shawn

I'm here to preside over case #00003 regarding the soul of Eleanor Shellstrop. The Bad Place has sent Bad Janet to present their argument.

What up, ding-dongs? Yeah, so basically, um, the Fake Eleanor's a dirt bag, and these jabronis are gonna try and claim she's less of a dirt bag now, but she just stole your train, and she still sucks bad. And she belongs with us. Oh, also, check this out. [Farting] Nailed it.

Shawn

I've ruled the fart inadmissible as evidence.

Jason

I love you so much, baby. Promise me you'll visit.

I will not. It is literally impossible for me to do that.