Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

Well, I was, but as it turned out nothing fit me.

Dorothy

What did you expect, Blanche? Last weekend you ate so many pudding pops you could have built the Eiffel Tower from the sticks.

Blanche

That is not what I meant. I meant everything just hangs on me.

Sophia

Of course it does! That's why you have to cover it with a dress

Sophia

Who's Laszlo?

Rose

He's a Hungarian sculptor we've all been posing nude for.

Sophia

[looking chagrined] In the future, a simple "None of your business, Sophia" will suffice!

Rose

Sophia, what are you doing with that heavy coat on inside the house?

Sophia

[opens her coat with her back to camera] You tell me, Rose! [walks off]

Dorothy

Ma!

Rose

Dorothy, was Sophia naked just now, or does her dress really need ironing?

Blanche

[to Becky] Let me get a look at you.

Sophia

This could take several hours.

Rose

So Becky, what brings you to Miami?

Sophia

My guess is a small barge!

Sophia

Picture it! Sicily, 1922. An attractive peasant girl who has saved her lire embarks on a glorious vacation to a Crimean resort on the Black Sea. For weeks, she frolics at the seaside resort and enjoys the company of many young men, all of whom adore her.

ALL of them?

Sophia

Shut up, Edna, I work alone. All of them. When it's time to return to Sicily, three different suitors beg her to stay. But she can't decide who to choose, so she chooses none of them. But she agrees to meet with them at the same resort many years later. To her trio of suitors, that eventful gathering was referred to as "Rendezvous with Sophia." But to the rest of the world, it was better known as the Yalta Conference.

Blanche

Sophia, honey, the key is to make a man think you're not interested in him! Offering to make him dinner just made you look too easy.

Sophia

Please, black underwear and pasties couldn't make me look easy.

Blanche

[suggests a way to get to the TV studio in time] I have a better idea - we can hitchhike. See, I can lift up my skirt, you know, like in that Clark Gable movie, It Happened One Night. Boy, we'll have a ride in no time.

Sophia

Please! You lift up your skirt, and someone might mistake your thigh for the on ramp to the freeway.

Sophia

Dorothy, I'm in the ladies room, I look in my brassiere. What do you think I find?

Dorothy

Hopefully, what we all find when we look in our brassiere.

Sophia

Please, I haven't been able to find those since I nursed your brother Phil.

Sophia

Back in Sicily, I was on a game show. It was torture!

Rose

What was it called, Sophia?

Sophia

I just told you: Torture! Mussolini asked the questions, and you better have the right answers. Things like, "Who do you like better, me or Hitler?" "Who's got the snappiest boots, me or Hitler?" "Who's got the cuter girlfriend, me or Hitler?" And you always had to answer, "Mussolini!" Otherwise, they forced you to play the lightning round. And they used real lightning!

Dorothy

Come on, Ma, you're making this up.

Sophia

Like hell I did. Goodson-Todman brought it to the United States, changed a few rules and called it Tattletales!

Rose

The Nazis are coming, the Nazis are coming!

Sophia

Everybody grab a gun and run to the basement! Come on! Move, move!

Blanche

Sophia, now just relax, we're just going over our lines for The Sound of Music.

Sophia

Oh, thank God!

Blanche

Hurricanes can be kind of fun. I remember one when I was married!

Angelo

Married?

Blanche

Uh... Mary. When I was Mary in the Christmas pageant at the convent, remember that, Sister Rose?

Rose

Oh, yes, Sister Blanche is quite an actress.

Stan

She'd have to be, to make anyone believe she was a virgin!

Dorothy

Stanley, you're a pig in a cheap suit!

Stan

Ya know, for two cents...

Dorothy

...you could get a better toupee?

Stan

Okay, that's it, I've had enough, I'm not going on with this anymore!

Sophia

[pointing] Angelo, look! Saint Francis of Assisi!

Sophia

Shut up and play ball, you yutz! [To Angelo] False alarm, never mind.

Angelo

Sophia, you're lookin' terrific! You haven't changed a bit in 40 years!

Sophia

Angelo, you're a priest, you shouldn't lie!

Angelo

Ah, don't worry about it, don't worry about it. Before the trip I said an extra fifty Hail Mary's in case I felt like cutting loose. ... Dorothy!

Dorothy

Uncle Angelo, it is so good to see you!

Angelo

Dorothy, you know something, you look more beautiful now than you did on your wedding day.

Stan

He just used up all fifty Hail Mary's on that one.

Angelo

Stan, you still a funny guy, got a sense of humor still, eh? [To Dorothy] He still make you laugh like he used to?

Dorothy

Well, not really, but then again I haven't seen him naked lately.

Rose

[knocking on Sophia's door] Sophia?

Sophia

I'm not in. Wait for the beep and leave a message. Beep!

Rose

Hi, this is Rose...

Sophia

Rose, shut up and get in here!

[about the guestroom] Mrs. Devereaux, please. Do you want it fast or do you want it good?

Sophia

Before you answer that Blanche, the man's talking about a guestroom.