SophiaDrink this. It's a secret potion from the old country, guaranteed to put you to sleep.
Sophia
Trust me, Rose. Drink it, slowly. That's right, down the hatch. [unbeknownst to Rose, Sophia takes a saucepan from the cupboard] We call this Sicilian Sominex. Now, you might feel a slight tingling. But believe me, you'll sleep like a baby. [walks up to Rose from behind and raises saucepan]
I don't feel any tingling. When's it going to hit me?
[Blanche walks in]
Sophia! What are you doin'?
Sophia
[Freezes with the saucepan in her hand] ...I was making a souffle, and it got away from me!
So Blanche, is Ted over here?
Oh I get it, he's in the shower.
Stanley, your brother isn't here.
Come on Blanche. Did you get it with Ted?
You know. Cha-cha-cha, tango,tango,ole, ole
Nobody here speaks Spanish Stan.
Oh I got it, right, I can play dumb.
Sophia
Play, you could manage the team.
Sophia
[interrupting Blanche's attempts to seduce Ted] Don't mind me. The Best of Carson is comin' on.
Sophia
No, Blanche, in Hollywood, but they pipe it through these little wires and it comes out here.
I really have to say goodnight now. Thanks for everything.
Sophia
Why? You didn't get everything.
MMan
[in a flashback scene, responding to a personal ad of Dorothy's that Rose put in the newspaper] Dorothy?
MMan
Not yet. I'm here because of your ad in the paper, "Willing to do anything - $8 an hour, no job too big or small."
Yes, yes, of course, please come in. I'm sorry, I didn't expect people to actually come here, I just figured, you know, that I would be going to them.
MMan
That's the way it'll work in the future, when my video camera gets back from the shop.
So tell me, what kind of work is it that you need done, Mr.---
MMan
Oh, no "Mr.," just "Toto." You're Dorothy, and I'm Toto. At least for the next eight dollars.
Dorothy, you owe me an apology; your ad's right here. [points to newspaper]
Oh Rose, this is the Personals column!
So what? You put an ad in the personals column that said I will do anything for eight dollars an hour?! Right under an ad that reads, "History professor seeking non-smoking Oriental woman who is into Wesson Oil and bears a resemblance to Florence Henderson."
MMan
Is that signed "Doug"?
MMan
I know him; he's a sick man.
[showing her visitor to the door] I'm terribly sorry for this mixup; goodbye.
[The man leaves, and a priest then walks up to the open door]
Oh my GOD, I don't believe this! I'm going to call the cops if you don't get out of here right away, you PERVERT!
Sophia
[walks up carrying a large box and hands it to the bewildered-looking priest] Hi, Father Rossi! Here's the canned goods for the needy!
[mortified] Oh, no... [to Father Rossi] I'm terribly sorry. I promise that I will say Hail Marys until Madonna has a hit movie.
[Another man enters through the open door after the priest leaves and walks up to Rose]
M2Man #2
[to Rose] Hi! Here's my eight dollars! Let's get started, Dorothy!
Oh, I'm not Dorothy; she is.
M2Man #2
[to Dorothy] I'll give you four dollars. Let's get started.
How would you like your rear end kicked across the street?!!
M2Man #2
Oh, great! Here's the other four dollars!
[Dorothy throws Man #2 out of the house. Enter Blanche]
Girls! Girls! There's a busload of Greek sailors out front! They want to know how many drachma there are in eight dollars!
It is mind over matter. Now, Dorothy, you can get up off that couch! You're not sick anymore, Dorothy! You can... HEAL YOURSELF! WALK, DOROTHY, WALK!
Sophia
Hey, just because you put your makeup on with a butter knife, doesn't make you Tammy Bakker.
Ma, another hot toddy? I think I've had enough!
Sophia
Shut up and drink.
This is the fourth one! Ma, that's an awful lot of whiskey!
Sophia
I only put whiskey in the first one.
Sophia
The second and third were vodka.
No wonder my head is spinning!
Sophia
This one's part Amaretto, part Sambuca. That should kill everything. It killed your father.
[A flashback scene. Blanche and Rose have just crawled into Dorothy's bed, where Dorothy is studying for an exam. Enter Sophia]
Sophia
Okay, I wanna see six hands above that blanket right now!
The only reason we're in bed with Dorothy is, we're scared.
Now Dorothy, don't you laugh, but we're scared of the aliens.
Blanche, how many times have I told you not to call them "the aliens"? They are the Chungs and they happen to be very nice.
Sophia
They're not very nice, they eat dogs.
Ma, they do not eat dogs!
Sophia
Right, it's just a coincidence that not one ever pees on their lawn.
Sophia, we're not talking about them anyway. We're talking about the aliens from outer space.
Oh, those aliens. GET OUT! BOTH OF YOU!
Dorothy, now have a heart. Rose and I rented that movie Aliens, and it just scared us half to death!
Sophia
It scared me too. That Sigourney Weaver's a sweet girl, but she really shouldn't go without makeup.
I don't have TIME for this now, I have my education exam tomorrow morning!
You mean you're kicking us out?
Sophia
That's my Dorothy, always with her nose in a book. Unlike your brother Phil, who was always with his nose in the dirty clothes hamper.
I cannot believe you would be so cold-blooded as to cast out your two dearest friends in this their time of need!
And I can't believe that the two of you are so inconsiderate that you would disturb me with something this ridiculous when you know how important my exam is. If I don't pass it, I don't get my raise!
Sophia
That's it, everybody out!
Sophia
I'm scared too, that we won't be able to afford meat on the table! You want to wind up swapping recipes with the Chungs? Out! Out!
Sophia
Nah, I'm just drawing a line on the milk of magnesia bottle.
Sophia
I think the gardener's been sneaking a few sips!
Sophia
All right. Take a sip, I'll draw another line.
No, no, it's not that . . . my boss at the center made a pass at me!
Sophia
Maybe you misunderstood; what exactly did he do?
He called me in his office and threw me down on the couch and kissed me!
Sophia
That's a pass . . . okay, I think I can help you. I'll tell you a story, Rose. Picture it--Sicily, 1922.
[rushes in] Sophia, I have a problem! I just saw the guy I've been dating out with another woman! Now, what do you think I oughta do?
Sophia
I think you should sit down and picture Sicily, 1922. (Blanche sits) It was the worst of times; it was the worst of times. It was Sicily, 1922.
[enters] Ma, I have a problem.
Sophia
Just sit down and listen! First of all, is everyone who lives in this house here at this very moment!?
Sophia
Then for the last time, PICTURE IT! Sicily, 1922! A beautiful young woman with breasts not unlike Brigitte Nielsen . . . except hers moved when she skipped! She comes walking down a picturesque country road when suddenly a yellow Rolls Royce pulls up and blocks her path!
Ohhh! Who was in the Rolls?
Sophia
It doesn't matter, it's not important to the story. Anyway, the Rolls Royce moves on, and the girl finds her pepperoni is missing.
What happened to it, Sophia?
Sophia
Bambi ate it; how should I know?! You keep missing the point; the point is she has no pepperoni to bring to her family's table! She gets hysterical; she starts to run. She runs through the fields, the meadow, over the hill--until she comes to a raging river FILLED with pepperoni swimming upstream!
Ma, pepperoni swimming upstream?
Sophia
Yeah, I know, it's odd--pepperoni is a land meat. But there it was! She wades into the river, grabs an armful, and races home to feed her family. When she tells them the story, they think it's an act of God! But as it turns out a disgruntled pepperoni stuffer had blown up the factory in a neighboring town causing pepperoni to rain down over a hundred square miles--which is where the old Sicilian saying 'It's raining cats and pepperoni' comes from!
[Blanche, Rose and Dorothy all nod]
Sophia
Is this helping anyone yet; cause this sure feels like an ending to me.
Oh, it's helping me Sophia--what I got out of the story was that you should take a bad situation and make it better! [jumps up] I'm gonna tell my boss off! [rushes out]
That's not quite what I got out of it Sophia, I thought you were trying to tell me to dump my cheating boyfriend because there's lots of pepperoni in the sea!
Sophia
Yeah...that's exactly what I was trying to tell you.
Thank you Sophia. [Blanche leaves]
Sophia
What about you, Dorothy, did I help you with your problem?
You sure did, Ma, I didn't know what to have for dinner. How about splitting a pepperoni pizza?
Sophia
Sure, you buying?
Does a pepperoni swim upstream?
Sophia
It did once, let's go!
The Golden Girls · 1,009 quotes
