[on first impressions] I remember when I was a little girl back in St. Olaf. There was this old lady who lived up the street. She never smiled. I mean, she always looked angry. The kids said she'd kill anyone who even stepped on her property. We used to call her Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper.
Yeah, kids can be pretty cruel.
No, that was her name , Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper. She had it changed legally, 'cause everybody called her that anyway.
Then how come your name isn't "Big Dummy"?
Well, there were already three other people in town with that name.
Rose, what was your first impression of me?
I thought you wore too much makeup and were a slut... I was wrong. You don't wear too much makeup.
Oh Blanche honey, I hope you don't mind, I borrowed your rhinestone necklace.
No, that's alright, but I think I should point out it was designed for a dainty neck.
Yes Blanche, but I don't know Mike Tyson well enough to borrow his jewelry.
Barbara, I picked up your first novel the other day.
B Barbara
Ah, yes. "So Dark the Waves On Biscayne Bay", I've grown so much as a writer since then.
B Barbara
It's alright. Did you have a problem with my book, dear?
Yes, as a matter of fact I did, all those waves! Big waves, little waves, dark waves, rollin' in! Page after page! I had to take a Dramamine to get through chapter three!
B Barbara
Blanche, the waves are a metaphor. You see, a metaphor...
I know what a metaphor is, dear. I'm not a dummy.
Blanche, what's a metaphor?
It's when you use a phrase to mean somethin' else. Like when I say "Men are blinded by my beauty." They are not really blinded. They get their sight back in a day or two!
Now Dorothy, if you're saying you can't get stimulating conversation around this house, I beg to differ.
[enters, reading a tabloid newspaper] I can't believe it. It says here that since Michael Jackson can't buy the Elephant Man, he's now put in a bid for the remains of the Big Bopper.
Rose, you can't believe everything you read in that rag! It caters to people of the lowest intelligence.
Because it's the only newspaper Elvis will talk to from beyond the grave!
Barbara Thorndyke is coming here? Wow, I've never met a real author before.
I have. I once stood in line two hours at a bookstore for Arnold Schwarzenegger's autograph!
You know, when I think of great literary figures of our time, it's usually Faulker, Fitzgerald, and, uh...
DB Dorothy, Blanche
Schwarzenegger.
Yes. But only after he refused to sign my thigh.
He was probably intimidated to see a thigh bigger than his.
Rose, honey, would you pass me the tuffie.
You're more than welcome, Blanche. You can always count on me to hand you the tuffie.
I know, that's why I always ask you.
You know, I think I saw Jack and Janet give Chrissy this treatment on an episode of Three's Company .
Oh, at last a reference from Dorothy that even we illiterates can understand.
I guess her well of knowledge has run dry. That's a metaphor Dorothy.
Look, why don't you just admit that this is all because you don't like Barbara Thorndyke.
Alright, I don't like Barbara Thorndyke. I think she's a phony.
Oh, this from a woman who tells her dates that she was Angie Dickinson's body double in Dressed To Kill .
That's just a little white lie.
Oh yeah? Then why is it on your job resume?!
There's something about her I don't like.
I find her hard to talk to.
Sophia, honey, the key is to make a man think you're not interested in him! Offering to make him dinner just made you look too easy.
Please, black underwear and pasties couldn't make me look easy.
Well, Barbara, Dorothy tells us you're an author.
B Barbara
No, I'm just a writer. Malamud's an author.
I thought Malamuds were chocolate cookies with marshmallows in them.
Those are Malomars, Rose.
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