Sophia Petrillo quotes from The Golden Girls

Sophia

[translating for Vincenzo] Before we begin, [Vincenzo speaks between each line] let's make one thing clear. I am in charge. I am the boss. I am the master. I Am the Walrus.

Dorothy

Ma, either your Italian is rusty or he's the world's oldest hippie.

Honey, it's just a phase! Ever since Diana Ross started marrying white men, everyone's gotta have one!

Sophia

[Sophia walks in and sees Lorraine and her family, of African American decent] What is this, a revival of A Raisin in the Sun ?

Grandma, this is my fianceé, Lorraine, and this is her mother and her two aunts.

Sophia

Oh, wait-wait-wait-wait-wait... This is your fianceé?

Yep, that's right.

Sophia

You couldn't find someone your own age?

What is that supposed to mean?

Sophia

No offense, but it means your daughter's been around the block more times then a Good Humor man!

[turns to her sister] Hold my purse - those are fightin' words!

Rose

Stop it all of you! What difference does it make that Lorraine's a little long in the tooth and Michael's a skinny white boy? Can't you see they love each other? We should be celebrating not arguing whether or not it's right. Now what do you say we all join hands and sing a chorus of 'Abraham, Martin and John'?

[turns to Dorothy] Is she for real?

Dorothy

Yep - frightening isn't it?

Sophia

Is it true what they say about black men in bed?

Blanche

Oh yes definitely...[everybody stares at her] Oh yes. Definitely, that is something I would like to know about too.

Dorothy

Come on Blanche, that's a stereotype.

Trudy

Call it whatever you want, I'm just grateful it's true.

Blanche

[to Fidel] You don't have cataracts, you tell me.

Sophia

[to Blanche] Beat it, you fifty year old mattress!

Blanche was right! She said you were incorrigible.

Sophia

I guess I deserved it. I always say she's a cheap slut!

Sophia

Who would've thought Blanche would date someone that long in the tooth?

Rose

I thought his teeth were nice. What I couldn't believe was how old he was! [leaves]

Dorothy

You know, sometimes I really cannot believe my ears.

Sophia

I know. I should've taped them back when you were seven.

Blanche

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a long, hot, steamy bath with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms.

Sophia

You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?!

Blanche

Of all the nerve! How could he possibly think I'd continue seeing him?! Blanche Devereaux has never shared a man!

Sophia

Or a pizza.

Blanche

And what does THAT mean, you wrinkled old crow?!

Sophia

It means Fidel is interested in more than a cheap thrill, he also wants a mind!

Blanche

Oh yeah?!! Well, we'll see about that!

Sophia

You're on, baby!

Blanche

[to Fidel] Midnight for dessert.

Rose

[perplexed] Dessert at midnight???

Sophia

There's always room for Jello.

Blanche

[walking over to Sophia] I just hate you. I regret the day you ever moved in here.

Sophia

And I regret the day I gave birth to you!

Dorothy

Ma, Ma! I'm your daughter.

Sophia

Oh, yeah...I need a Bromo-Seltzer!

Blanche

I need a cheesecake!

Blanche

[confronting Fidel about the other woman] What is it? Is she younger? More attractive? More desirable?

Sophia

[coming out from behind Fidel] You got two outta three, Blanche.

Sophia

Hey, you got any decent nectarines?

There's nothing wrong with those nectarines!

Sophia

Please. I've got a bowl of wax bananas that'll be ripe before these are!

You're crazy! This nectarine is beautiful! I've never seen a more perfect piece of fruit!

Sophia

No? Then try kissing my behind. It's a real peach!

Sophia?

Sophia

No, César Chávez. I got hungry.

Blanche

There's only one thing for me to do. I'm going to call him up, and tomorrow night I'm going out with that man again, and I don't care what amount of seducin' it takes. But, as God is my witness, I am not returning to this house until he has begged, beseeched, and pleaded with me to go to bed with him. [leaves the kitchen]

Sophia

You know, that was the original ending to Gone with the Wind.

Dorothy

Ma, what are you doing?

Sophia

I'm giving the leftover meatloaf a thrill, what do you think? It's hot as hell in here!

Dorothy

Close it before the food spoils.

Sophia

OK. [closes robe]

Dorothy

I meant the refrigerator!

Rose

[preparing her bio] I just found out I'm the most boring person alive.

Sophia

Did something happen to Regis Philbin?