Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Blanche

Sophia, honey, the key is to make a man think you're not interested in him! Offering to make him dinner just made you look too easy.

Sophia

Please, black underwear and pasties couldn't make me look easy.

Blanche

Well, Barbara, Dorothy tells us you're an author.

No, I'm just a writer. Malamud's an author.

Rose

I thought Malamuds were chocolate cookies with marshmallows in them.

Dorothy

Those are Malomars, Rose.

Blanche

[suggests a way to get to the TV studio in time] I have a better idea - we can hitchhike. See, I can lift up my skirt, you know, like in that Clark Gable movie, It Happened One Night. Boy, we'll have a ride in no time.

Sophia

Please! You lift up your skirt, and someone might mistake your thigh for the on ramp to the freeway.

For another 100 points, Complete this famous saying: "Better Late Than..."

Blanche.

Blanche

Pregnant!

That's incorrect, but certainly not untrue.

Blanche

Nancy, honey. Now I don't generally like to throw my name around but you really leave me no choice. It so happens that I am Miss Angie Dickinson! And now, if you don't mind, I would like two rooms.

You don't look like Angie Dickinson to me.

Blanche

I know, I have altered my appearance for a very important movie role.

Dorothy

Yeah, it's about a woman who eats her way from behind the Iron Curtain.

Blanche

Dorothy and I are gonna team up with the Kaplan brothers.

Rose

The Kaplan brothers! You mean you and Dorothy are joining a country western band?

Dorothy

That's the Gatlin brothers, Rose!

Dorothy

Hi girls, tell me, how did the audition for the play go?

Blanche

Awful! We just got two tiny parts.

Rose

We're doing The Sound of Music and Blanche is mad 'cause she didn't get the lead.

Dorothy

Oh, I can't believe that you weren't cast in the lead role! You've gotten it the past five years in a row!

Blanche

Well, they hired a new director this year, and he has no taste.

Rose

Blanche used to sleep with the old one. The new director's gay!

Blanche

A gay theater director, did you ever hear of such a thing?

Dorothy

That's absolutely shocking. The next thing you know, they'll have black basketball players in the NBA.

Rose

The Nazis are coming, the Nazis are coming!

Sophia

Everybody grab a gun and run to the basement! Come on! Move, move!

Blanche

Sophia, now just relax, we're just going over our lines for The Sound of Music.

Sophia

Oh, thank God!

Dorothy

[upon learning that the airport is closed because of the hurricane] That means we could be trapped together for days!

Blanche

[still in nun's costume] Oh, JESUS!

Blanche

...Please protect us and watch over us in this our hour of need!

Dorothy

Amen!

Blanche

Hurricanes can be kind of fun. I remember one when I was married!

Angelo

Married?

Blanche

Uh... Mary. When I was Mary in the Christmas pageant at the convent, remember that, Sister Rose?

Rose

Oh, yes, Sister Blanche is quite an actress.

Stan

She'd have to be, to make anyone believe she was a virgin!

Dorothy

Stanley, you're a pig in a cheap suit!

Stan

Ya know, for two cents...

Dorothy

...you could get a better toupee?

Stan

Okay, that's it, I've had enough, I'm not going on with this anymore!

Sophia

[pointing] Angelo, look! Saint Francis of Assisi!

Sophia

Shut up and play ball, you yutz! [To Angelo] False alarm, never mind.

Dorothy

Okay girls, which goes better, the silver chain or the pearls?

Rose

The chain.

Blanche

An amateur's mistake. Can't you see that the chain accentuates the many folds of that turkey-like neck?

Rose

Well that may be, but the pearls draw attention to the non-existent bosom.

Blanche

Yes, but, the chain leads the eye even lower, to that huge "spare tire," jutting out over those square manly hips.

Blanche

Fine, but what are you going to hang it from, the chain or the pearls?

Dorothy

[angrily] Neither, I'm going to spray paint it on my hump!!

Rose

See, Blanche, you don't know any more than I do. I'm going to run for Fashion Show Chairman.

Blanche

Well, you're just wasting your time. Who on that fashion committee is going to vote for you? I'm gonna win.

Rose

Well, I don't see how that's possible. Everybody on the committee is female. Who are you going to sleep with?

Blanche

Are you insinuating that I cannot win it on merit alone? ... All women?

Blanche

[reading from Rose's diary] Dear Diary, I don't know how much longer I can stand living with these two pigs. At first, moving in with them seemed like a good way to save money, but it's just getting out of hand. If one isn't keepin' me awake all night with her squealin', the other one is belchin' in my face! [stops reading] You do that sometimes, Dorothy. After you've had a Denver omelet.

Dorothy

Look, this is a real invasion of Rose's privacy. And it's a Spanish omelet.

Rose

Gee, what's my diary doing here? [picks it up from the table] Next to a pair of pliers?

Blanche

Rose, whatever it is you're thinking, it isn't true.

Rose

Good, then George Bush isn't married to his mother.

Rose

[onboard cruiseship] Ahoy girls. Quick, grab some champagne.

Blanche

Ooh, I just love champagne!

Dorothy

Oh so do I. The only problem is after a few glasses I'll kiss any man in sight.

Blanche

Rose! It is 2 AM! What are you still doing up?

Rose

Well I couldn't sleep so I thought I'd get up and make a batch of Sparhuven Krispies. It's an ancient Scandinavian midnight snack.

Dorothy

I guess after a night of pillaging and raping, a Viking wants a little something to go with his cocoa.

Blanche

Well they smell God awful!

Rose

Yeah just when you're about ready to throw up from the stench, that's when they're done. Who wants some?

Dorothy

[commenting on the smell of Rose's snacks] Rose, if these had been offered to the Donner Party, they still would've eaten each other!

Rose

Don't be silly Dorothy. They're delicious. You just have to know how to eat them. You hold your nose with one hand [holding nose] and you pop a krispie in your mouth with the other. Mmm! That tastes like cheesecake, fresh strawberries, and chocolate ice cream.

Blanche

[tries one] My gosh, you're right. That is the best thing I have ever tasted!

Dorothy

[eating a krispie] This is delicious!