Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Dorothy

[to Greta] Look, race is not even an issue. I mean, your daughter is twice my son's age! What can a woman in her 40's possibly have in common with a boy in his 20's?

Blanche

Sex! At 20, a man is at his peak. And a woman in her 40's is also at her peak, so when the two come together, hot damn !

Dorothy

Look, Mrs. Wagner, I'm not thrilled about my son marrying your daughter either.

Oh yeah? Why, you got something against black people?

Blanche

Of course not! And I resent the insinuation! Why, we firmly believe that all men are created equal!!

Rose

That's a bunch of bologna!

Dorothy

Rose!!!

Rose

Well it is! If you don't believe me, just turn on your television set and watch a white person dance down the line on Soul Train.

Sophia

Is it true what they say about black men in bed?

Blanche

Oh yes definitely...[everybody stares at her] Oh yes. Definitely, that is something I would like to know about too.

Dorothy

Come on Blanche, that's a stereotype.

Trudy

Call it whatever you want, I'm just grateful it's true.

Dorothy

Oh, Blanche, how would you feel if your son were marrying an older woman?

Blanche

Dorothy, when my son was five years old, he nearly burned down our whole town. Since then, nothing he does upsets me. Hell, he could marry Lillian Gish and I wouldn't care.

Rose

Blanche, how much longer do I have to have this hot towel on my face?

Blanche

Now just be patient, Rose. When I tell you to remove this towel, you are going to see what a dramatic difference Blanche's Miracle Beauty Treatment has made already! Honey, you will be transformed into a totally new woman! Okay, ready? Now, one, two... THREE!

Rose

Oh my GOD, I look horrible! ... Oh- Dorothy, it's you! I...

Dorothy

I'm sorry Rose, I'm sorry. I forgot it was a full moon.

Blanche

Oh, thank God! I can't live with myself anymore. Take me!

Dorothy

Blanche!

Blanche

Dorothy, please, stay out of this. I know what's best. Just slap the handcuffs on me, the bed's this way.

Y'know what's funny? I was supposed to be Mr. Mailman today.

Rose

Girls, you won't believe what happened to me this afternoon. I met Mr. Terrific!

Blanche

Rose, don't be so quick to judge. I thought I had met Mr. Terrific. Turned out there was also a Mrs. Terrific. I found myself ducking a Mr. Vase.

Blanche

Mama, do you remember that Mother's Day that I almost ruined when I ran off to get married?

No...

Blanche

Sure you do, honey, don't you know, I was a senior in high school, and I was madly in love with Deck Bovinglow. We'd been dating for nearly a month, so it seemed perfectly logical when he dropped by cheerleading practice and asked me to marry him. Oh, I thought he was a wonderful catch at the time. He was 40, out of work, twice-divorced, had three kids...but the real reason I wanted to marry him was because his oldest daughter was a rival of mine at cheerleading, and I figured if I married Deck, I'd be her mama. And I could kick her off the squad.

Blanche

[to Fidel] You don't have cataracts, you tell me.

Sophia

[to Blanche] Beat it, you fifty year old mattress!

Blanche

Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a long, hot, steamy bath with just enough water to barely cover my perky bosoms.

Sophia

You're only gonna sit in an inch of water?!

Blanche

Of all the nerve! How could he possibly think I'd continue seeing him?! Blanche Devereaux has never shared a man!

Sophia

Or a pizza.

Blanche

And what does THAT mean, you wrinkled old crow?!

Sophia

It means Fidel is interested in more than a cheap thrill, he also wants a mind!

Blanche

Oh yeah?!! Well, we'll see about that!

Sophia

You're on, baby!

Blanche

[to Fidel] Midnight for dessert.

Rose

[perplexed] Dessert at midnight???

Sophia

There's always room for Jello.

Blanche

[walking over to Sophia] I just hate you. I regret the day you ever moved in here.

Sophia

And I regret the day I gave birth to you!

Dorothy

Ma, Ma! I'm your daughter.

Sophia

Oh, yeah...I need a Bromo-Seltzer!

Blanche

I need a cheesecake!

Blanche

[confronting Fidel about the other woman] What is it? Is she younger? More attractive? More desirable?

Sophia

[coming out from behind Fidel] You got two outta three, Blanche.

Blanche

Well, its just breaking my heart. I never cared for a man as much as Fidel Santo Domingo.

Dorothy

[corrects her] Santiago.

Blanche

Oh whatever. The point is, he's rich, he's handsome and we were made for each other...even if I don't speak Mexican.

Dorothy

Spanish.

Blanche

WHATEVER!

Blanche

[after telling a story about a man she once dated who had large, floppy ears] By the way, did you girls know that the size of a man's ears is directly proportional to the size of his other... bodily organs?

Rose

[puzzled] What do you mean?

Dorothy

He had a big floppy pancreas, Rose.