Blanche Devereaux quotes from The Golden Girls

Sophia

Hey girls! How do you like this spiffy little number? [walks into the living room to reveal that she is wearing the same dress that Blanche purchased]

Blanche

Sophia, that's the same dress I got!

Sophia

Well, now you know how it should look.

Blanche

Well, I was, but as it turned out nothing fit me.

Dorothy

What did you expect, Blanche? Last weekend you ate so many pudding pops you could have built the Eiffel Tower from the sticks.

Blanche

That is not what I meant. I meant everything just hangs on me.

Sophia

Of course it does! That's why you have to cover it with a dress

Blanche

I saw some of the sketches that Laszlo has done of me and they're horrible. The hair is all big and frizzy and the body is all droopy and saggy. The woman in those pictures is a dog!

Rose

Blanche, the woman in those photos is me.

Blanche

I know she sounds like you dear, but she's not.

Rose

Oh, yes she is. [pulls out key], I wanted to tell you a long time ago.

Blanche

Oh God, strike me here and now if Laszlo prefers Rose Nylund over me.

Rose

He said he wanted someone with more innocence.

Blanche

With more cellulite is more like it.

Rose

You take that back!

Blanche

I will not!

Rose

Yes, you will!

Blanche

No I won't!

Dorothy

Girls, girls what's going on here.

Blanche

Nothing, Rose here just stabbed me in the back.

Rose

I did not, Laszlo asked me to pose for him.

Blanche

I don't know why, he'd go to Sea World if he wants to see a naked whale.

Rose

Or to your bathtub!

Blanche

Oh, all right Missy, this is war, both of us will continuing seeing Laszlo.

Rose

Fine, he is going to pick me.

Blanche

No he's not, he's going to pick me.

Dorothy

Girls, girls I can solve this.

Blanche

All right Dorothy, tell her who he is going to pick.

Dorothy

It's going to be me. [pulls out key]

Blanche

You too?

Dorothy

He asked me last Thursday.

Blanche

Well, I am stunned.

Rose

I'm relieved!

Blanche

Relieved.

Blanche

I saw some of the sketches he's been doing of me, Rose. He never lets me see 'em, so today I looked through his things and I found some. They're horrible. The hair's all big and frizzy, the body's all droopy and saggy. The woman in those sketches is a dog!

Rose

Blanche...

Blanche

She's a clown!

Rose

Blanche...

Blanche

She's just a hideous, wrinkled old bag!

Rose

Blanche, the woman in those sketches is me.

Blanche

I know she sounds like you, honey, but she's not.

Rose

Yes she is. Look. [pulls out key] I wanted to tell you about this all week but I couldn't. I've been posing for Laszlo too.

Blanche

Oh dear Lord, strike me dead right here and now if that man prefers Rose Nylund over me.

Rose

Blanche, you can't take it personally. Laszlo just decided he wanted someone with more innocence.

Blanche

With more cellulite is more like it.

Rose

Take that back!

Blanche

I will not!

Rose

Yes, you will!

Blanche

I will not!

Rose

You will too!

Dorothy

Girls, girls, girls! What's going on here?

Blanche

Nothing, Rose here just stabbed me in the back.

Rose

I did not!

Blanche

She's been posing for Laszlo too.

Rose

He asked me to!

Blanche

I sure don't know why, he'd go to Sea World if he wanted to see a naked whale.

Rose

Or to your bathtub!

Blanche

Oh ho, that does it, missy. This means war. We'll both keep goin', we'll just see who he picks for his sculpture.

Rose

Fine, it's going to be me.

Blanche

No it's not, it's going to be me.

Dorothy

Girls, girls, I can settle this.

Blanche

All right Dorothy, tell her who it's going to be.

Dorothy

It's going to be me. [pulls out key and grins smugly]

Blanche

You too?

Dorothy

He asked me last Thursday.

Blanche

Well, I am stunned.

Rose

I'm relieved!

Blanche

Relieved??

Blanche

[to Becky] Let me get a look at you.

Sophia

This could take several hours.

Oh, I hate these moments.

Blanche

Me too. I never did learn how to say goodbye.

Rose

Oh, there are so many ways to say farewell. Auf wiedersehen, arrivederci, adiós, hasta luego...

Dorothy

Get lost.

Rose

See, there's another one. Good, Dorothy!

Rose

[on first impressions] I remember when I was a little girl back in St. Olaf. There was this old lady who lived up the street. She never smiled. I mean, she always looked angry. The kids said she'd kill anyone who even stepped on her property. We used to call her Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper.

Blanche

Yeah, kids can be pretty cruel.

Rose

No, that was her name, Mean Old Lady Hickenlooper. She had it changed legally, 'cause everybody called her that anyway.

Blanche

Then how come your name isn't "Big Dummy"?

Rose

Well, there were already three other people in town with that name.

Blanche

Rose, what was your first impression of me?

Rose

I thought you wore too much makeup and were a slut... I was wrong. You don't wear too much makeup.

Dorothy

Oh Blanche honey, I hope you don't mind, I borrowed your rhinestone necklace.

Blanche

No, that's alright, but I think I should point out it was designed for a dainty neck.

Dorothy

Yes Blanche, but I don't know Mike Tyson well enough to borrow his jewelry.

Blanche

Barbara, I picked up your first novel the other day.

Ah, yes. "So Dark the Waves On Biscayne Bay", I've grown so much as a writer since then.

Blanche

Well, I should hope so.

Dorothy

Blanche!

It's alright. Did you have a problem with my book, dear?

Blanche

Yes, as a matter of fact I did, all those waves! Big waves, little waves, dark waves, rollin' in! Page after page! I had to take a Dramamine to get through chapter three!

Blanche, the waves are a metaphor. You see, a metaphor...

Blanche

I know what a metaphor is, dear. I'm not a dummy.

Rose

Blanche, what's a metaphor?

Blanche

It's when you use a phrase to mean somethin' else. Like when I say "Men are blinded by my beauty." They are not really blinded. They get their sight back in a day or two!

Blanche

Now Dorothy, if you're saying you can't get stimulating conversation around this house, I beg to differ.

Rose

[enters, reading a tabloid newspaper] I can't believe it. It says here that since Michael Jackson can't buy the Elephant Man, he's now put in a bid for the remains of the Big Bopper.

Blanche

Rose, you can't believe everything you read in that rag! It caters to people of the lowest intelligence.

Rose

Then why do you buy it?

Blanche

Because it's the only newspaper Elvis will talk to from beyond the grave!

Rose

Barbara Thorndyke is coming here? Wow, I've never met a real author before.

Blanche

I have. I once stood in line two hours at a bookstore for Arnold Schwarzenegger's autograph!

Dorothy

You know, when I think of great literary figures of our time, it's usually Faulker, Fitzgerald, and, uh...

Schwarzenegger.

Rose

Did he sign your book?

Blanche

Yes. But only after he refused to sign my thigh.

Dorothy

He was probably intimidated to see a thigh bigger than his.

Blanche

Rose, honey, would you pass me the tuffie.

Rose

With pleasure, Blanche.

Blanche

Thank you, Rose.

Rose

You're more than welcome, Blanche. You can always count on me to hand you the tuffie.

Blanche

I know, that's why I always ask you.

Dorothy

You know, I think I saw Jack and Janet give Chrissy this treatment on an episode of Three's Company.

Blanche

Oh, at last a reference from Dorothy that even we illiterates can understand.

Rose

I guess her well of knowledge has run dry. That's a metaphor Dorothy.

Dorothy

Look, why don't you just admit that this is all because you don't like Barbara Thorndyke.

Blanche

Alright, I don't like Barbara Thorndyke. I think she's a phony.

Dorothy

Oh, this from a woman who tells her dates that she was Angie Dickinson's body double in Dressed To Kill.

Blanche

That's just a little white lie.

Dorothy

Oh yeah? Then why is it on your job resume?!

Blanche

What do you think?

Rose

There's something about her I don't like.

Blanche

Me too.

Rose

I find her hard to talk to.

Blanche

Me too.

Rose

She thinks I'm dumb.

Blanche

Me too.