It was May 6, 1980-something. The school day was going off without a hitch all thanks to the watchful eye of Principal Earl Ball.
Principal BallLet's go, youngsters. Activate those legs so we can activate those minds. Ooh, yes. That's definitely going into "Earl's pearls."
[Principal Ball hears something banging and clattering, so he opens the door to find Barry and Lainey kissing]
Aah! Oh. Hello there, sir. Um, there was a spill in science lab. [picking up the mop] And we needed a mop.
We were kissing. She's pretty.
Why did you call me when it's usually my wife who handles this annoying school crap?
Principal Ball
Well, truthfully, I couldn't reach her. And more truthfully, I didn't try because she scares me.
Sorry I'm late. We're having a sale down at the...
Son of a bitch. Oh, this guy.
[voiceover] And that guy was Lainey's dad, my father's archenemy, Bill Lewis.
Principal Ball
Look, I called you both in here today because we need to talk about what's going on with your kids.
There's nothing going on, because I very clearly and emphatically forbade it.
Principal Ball
Well, for the third time this week, I caught them canoodling in secret. It's unacceptable.
We have a saying in Texas... "don't blame the armadillo. Blame the armadillo's dumb father."
Oh-ho. We have a saying here... you're bald.
I'll have you know, the ladies love it. [pointing to Principal Ball]
Principal Ball
Eh? Okay. What is happening here right now?
I'll tell you what's happening. This schmuck lives in Philadelphia, yet he roots for the Dallas cowboys. Who does that?
Red-blooded Americans, that's who does that.
Principal Ball
Got to say, it surprises me, this friction that exists between the two of you, considering how similar you are.
Principal Ball
No, no, no. For example, you're both fathers. You're both small-business owners. You both seem very angry.
Principal Ball
And you're both football fans. Now, this is a bond which I can respect as a lifelong fan of the New York football Giants.
Whoa, you're a Giants fan? Why the hell do you live in Philadelphia?
[pointing at Bill] He's got a point. Unlike the Giants last season.
[Both laugh]
Principal Ball
For your information, we won the conference last year, so suck it! So what I actually mean to say is that it's always easier to get along than be short with each other. And that is one of "Earl's pearls" you can take to the bank.
Well, thank you for your wise advice and, uh, the Giants suck.
Yeah. They suck so hard. But good luck next season. Whoops.
This is a nightmare! And you're to blame.
True. And it's going to be the first school dance ever worth going to.
No. When will this "dirty dancing" oppression end?! When will everybody cut loose, footloose, lick off your sundae spoons?!
Sweetie, I keep telling you, the song is not about ice cream.
You don't know! No one does!
[sitting next to Erica] Hey, pretty pretty. Guess you're gonna be looking for a partner to practice those sensual moves with.
And it's not going to be you.
Come on, I know every single move that swayze does in that movie.
R"Naked" Rob
Ah, good for you.
Actually, I've never seen it, but I will now, and I will dedicate my life to becoming your own personal swayze.
You go full swayze, maybe I'll let you dance near me.
Proximity dance! It's a deal!
Principal Ball
Yeah. No deal. [He comes and rips it apart]
Principal Ball
There is no way "dirty dancing" will ever be a theme at a school-sanctioned dance.
Principal Ball
It's literally got "dirty" in the title, not to mention it's wildly inappropriate.
[voiceover] And so, for the first time, Erica Goldberg marched down to school and channeled Beverly Goldberg.
And if you still say no, I'll go above your shiny head to the PTA. No, the school board. No, the secretary of education. So, what do you and your coffee-stained tie have to say to that?
Principal Ball
A month's detention.
What?! That's not how this is supposed to work!
Principal Ball
The thing is, I'm an adult, and the way you're speaking to me is completely unacceptable.
But I'm a Goldberg. This is what we do.
Principal Ball
And fortunately for both of us, you're not your mother [chuckling] and she's not here right now.
[Behind the door, Beverly is watching him at the window door]
Principal Ball
But...I think we could compromise on something besides a dirty dance.
Principal Ball
Okay, door's always open, but no more steamrolling me! I want your respect. Understand?
Principal Ball
[sighs] Thank goodness that's over.
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
