[voiceover] Back in the '80s, Philadelphia hosted one of the most legendary charity rock concerts ever assembled: Live Aid, and no one wanted to go more than Big Tasty.
Dad, we need to have an insanely important talk. And if you say, "Go to your mother," there will be serious consequences.
MurrayNot listening. Go to your mother.
Okay, you know how all the awesome stuff happens in New York and L.A. and Florida, but never here?
Murray
You do know the Philadelphia is the birthplace of our country, right?
Enough with your folk tales, old man! I'm talking about now. [He shows his dad a newspaper saying Live Aid.] It's called Live Aid. The world's biggest rock concert ever is happening here this weekend, and I need your car.
Murray
What's wrong with your van?
Doesn't start. I think it needs new spark plugs or gas or something. Point is, give me your keys and wallet. Hurry.
Murray
Here's the thing... No.
But I presented such a strong case!
Murray
This concert's been all over the news. There's gonna be a million morons pouring into the city, each one with bad hair and worse ideas.
But I have the worst ideas! I should be there, too.
Murray
No way I'm allowing my car to be driven in that madness. It'll never return.
Do you mean know who's performing at Live Aid?
Murray
I don't know, and more importantly, I don't care.
Rick Springfield, REO Speedwagon, the Hooters, Black Sabbath, RUN-D.M.C., Simple Minds, Judas Priest, Led Zeppelin, Bernard Watson, Joan Baez, Four Tops, Billy Ocean, Bryan Adams, Crosby, Stills & Nash, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, Neil Young, Bob Dylan, George Thorogood & The Destroyers, most of the Rolling Stones, all of Hall & Oates, Madonna, Phil Collins, Duran Duran, Eddie Kendricks and David Ruffin, Patti LaBelle, The Cars, Kenny Loggins, Tom Petty, and The Heartbreakers, Santana, Pretenders, Ashford & Simpson...
Murray
Ashford & Simpson? I'm in!
Murray
No! None of these names mean anything to me!
[voiceover] It was November 30, 1980-something, and Erica was planning her winter-semester schedule.
Okay, Pops. I just finished the ultimate slacker schedule. Not that my college applications are in, I can finally, completely give in to my senioritis.
A lot of my friends have that. I-It's not as joyful with them.
First period, I kick things off with study hall, ease into my day. And then it's on the second period, another study hall for naps, and then typing class and then an easy "A" in home EC, and then ceramics and then intro to summer.
It's an independent study I created. You know, there's a science to getting a good base tan.
Well, you outdid yourself. This schedule really does spit in the face of education as we know it.
Murray
Got to admit, all this prepping and planning, very mature of you.
[to Murray] You approve of all this?
Murray
She's gonna be going to college soon. My job here is done.
Murray
Yep. Gonna be phoning it in from now on.
And this has been you not phoning it in.
Murray
I've been working my ass off.
[sitting next to Pops] Hey, Boopie. What's with the board?
It's a year of mixing and relaxing with nonstop blow-off classes.
Well, at least you're taking one real class.
Home ec. Running a house is the hardest job in the world.
You know, some people but a man on the moon, and others put parm on a chicken.
Uh, you sound insane right now. Home economics is the cornerstone of civilization.
Or it's a class football players take to make drop cookies.
That's what they're teaching you? How to drop a hunk of batter on a sheet?
Murray
When did you get so anti-drop cookie?
They're not gonna teach you how to darn a sock, pepper a ham or bleach an undie?
Murray
I'm in the mood for drop cookies.
It's important for you to have the knowledge that your grandmother had and her grandmother had before her.
Yeah, well, I'll hire a maid who has that knowledge. Until then, I have some mixing and relaxing to do.
[Erica leaves]
Murray
Will you make me some drop cookies?
[Beverly drags Adam and turns the TV off]
Murray
Hey!
You don't even want to know what this little muddy mouth just said. You only get one helping of shrimp Parm tonight. You can have seconds on cheesy garlic bread, but no thirds!
It was an accident, okay?
Unacceptable! I mean, where did you even learn such a potty word?
Answer me! Who taught you how to do this stuff?
You, all right?! I learned it by watching you! [he walks off]
Wha... What? I have never!
What? I don't talk like that.
[voiceover] But she did. Bev Bombs were dropped on a daily basis in our home.
Okay, maybe I do get saucy once in a blue moon, but I can because I'm an adult.
An adult who can't stop herself from talking like a lumberjack.
Oh, really? Well, we'll see about that. I'm starting a swear jar. [She puts pickles in the bin]
Murray
My pickles!
You do realize that jar is way too small for you, right?
Oh, you'll see. I'm not gonna drop a penny into this thing.
Oh, well, then you won't mind if we use it for something awesome, like, I don't know, a trip to the Bahamas.
Or even more exciting... A trip to Colonial Williamsburg! We can finally get a picture in the stocks!
You already have one! [She shows Beverly a picture of her, Adam and Beverly in the stocks]
But I want a new one. Oh. Thou doth look so snuggly. [She giggles]
No more old-timey trips where we learn stuff. I want to tan in the Bahamas.
Murray
No one's going to the Bahamas. No one's going anywhere.
Of course not. And you know why? Because my lips are squeaky-clean. Yay! Making my kids better people is gonna be [BLEEP] fun.
[voiceover] As Matt Bradley was learning the rules of the JTP, my mom was setting up her own rules.
The rules are simple, You curse, you reimburse. One dollar for every swear sworn in this household.
Well, I, for one, think this is a fantastic way to make us the very best people that we can be. And go to the Bahamas and pierce my belly button. Forget I said that.
Murray
No one's going to the damn Bahamas.
Bup-bup! That's a dollar in the swear jar, Dad.
She's right, Murray. We have to live by example.
Murray
I'm not paying for these morons to go to the Bahamas.
You know, "moron" may not be considered a curse word, but it really does feel like one emotionally.
Murray
I'll put 20 bucks in that thing if I can call my moron who's acting like a moron a moron anytime I want.
Murray
Worth it. Morons!
You know what would teach us a super-valuable lesson? Upping the fee for the big-time swears to 5 bucks a pop.
Yes! Ooh! What a great idea.
Oh, balls! It's really not!
For balls? But it has so many meanings, only one of which refers to one's nards.
That's $10! Yay! My babies are gonna be angels!
What have you done, dragon lady? I've got $7 to my name. I'm already in debt.
Relax. I have a plan. When it comes to swearing, we have self-control. Lucky for us, our mom does not.
Oh, my God. You're gonna use the swear jar to scam Mom.
I ran the numbers. We need 723 big swear words. If we can up Mom's swear rate to twice an hour and nail her on some "hells" and "damn its" in between, we're gonna be slurping on strawberry daiquiris in the Bahamas in 13 days.
How do we get her to swear more?
Follow my lead. [She goes upstairs to Beverly to see what she has been thinking about] Hey, Mom? I've been thinking about it, and... You're more than a mom. You're also, like... A friend.
That's exactly how I feel! We're like best [bleep]' friends!
Oh. Wow. While I appreciate the enthusiasm, you kind of just dropped a big-money word.
That'll be a fiver. Did I say [BLEEP]? I said it again! Oh! How many [BLEEP] was that? [sighs] Oh, [BLEEP] it. I'll just put in a $20. It's money well-spent for my delicious, talented superstar!
Mama! I'm cold, and nothing can keep me warm like your hug! Will you hug me till I'm all roasty and toasty inside?
[BLEEP] [She hugs him and laughs] You are so adorable! [gasps] I'll get my purse. [chuckles]
[voiceover] It had been a week, and my mom's little swearing problem had gone from bad to worse.
Murray
What'd you say now?
Murray
What, did Erica get another solo?
No. Adam wrote "Adam hearts Mama" on his Trapper Keeper. I had no choice. He hearts me.
Murray
Damn it! I am slowly paying for a trip to the Bahamas that I don't want to take.
I hate to be that person, but you said "Damn it." That's a buck.
Murray
Don't you see what the kids are doing to you? They're using your dirty mouth against you.
[voiceover] It was at that moment that my mom finally realized she was being played.
Oh, my God! They're fleecing me! It's time to teach them a real lesson.
[Murray wiggles his eyebrows]
I've been thinking, Schmoops. This jar has been so effective at stopping my potty mouth, I figured everyone should have a jar.
I don't know what your angle is here, but I'm gonna have to say... Phbt! Pass.
Oh, sweetie, such attitude. Luckily, now we have this. [She picks up the jar saying "Baditude Jar" and puts it on the table] Dollar, please.
A "Baditude" jar? That's not a thing.
Oh, it is. Every time you lip off, it'll cost you a dollar.
Well, that's incredibly stupid!
[gasps] Baditude! Now it's $2.
Just stop giving them baditude!
I don't know how not to! This isn't fair! What about him?
Murray
Don't worry. [He picks up the jar saying "Adam Jar" and puts it on the table] Got you covered.
Murray
You pay up any time you say any weird stuff about space or robits or space robits.
So the Adam jar is just a nerd jar?
Murray
Yeah.
Murray
Hey, your Robit-Cop movie started this whole mess.
RoboCop isn't a robot. If anything, he's a cyborg, which falls under the umbrella of android, which means I'll put in a dollar.
See? We're all just using these jars to become better people. By the end, I'll curse less, Erica will be a ray of sunshine, and Adam will be more... Accessible.
But we don't have that kind of money. Unless we have some way for us to steal fractions of a penny off every bank transaction, a la Superman III.
Murray
Dollar.
I can't! It's like the Nothing in the NeverEnding Story. It can't be stopped!
Murray
Dollar.
I'm like Indy when he drank the black blood of the Kali. I can't help myself!
Murray
Dollar.
Don't worry. We'll just take money from my swear jar and put it into yours. The proceeds from your jars will go towards a trip to Colonial Williamsburg!
You think you'll beat us? Well, I'll be an utter delight, and Adam won't even be a little bit nerdy.
Yeah! I'll be as cool as the ice planet Hoth.
Murray
$5.
[voiceover] While Barry was realizing what the JTP meant to him, the jar wars had taken on a whole new meaning.
[Clock ticks; Adam and Erica stare at their mom]
Murray
You know, I never thought I'd say these words, but the silence is making me crazy. Somebody say something!
Uh-uh! If I say anything, we're gonna end up in Colonial Williams-turd.
Baditude! That's $5. Pay up for comparing our beloved U.S. history to poo-poos. Poo-poos!
Murray
All right, enough! I'm putting an end to this once and for all.
Hey, I only made these other jars 'cause you made me realize that they were playing me.
Murray
Of course they were. They're awful. That's part of their charm, just like swearing's part of yours.
But Adam was right, he learned it from watching me.
Murray
You swear because you care. And I wouldn't want to change that.
Murray
And I'm not changing. I'm gonna keep calling them morons because they act like morons.
And I can't change the fact saying "Star Track" will always bother me.
And there's, like, zero chance of me changing my crap attitude, 'cause you're all lame.
Murray
See? We are who we are. And I love it!
So, we all agree, no more jar wars.
"Jar wars" sounds like Star Wars! Oh, God, it felt so good to say.
[Beverly is busy sorting out these jars just as Adam and Erica arrive with his map]
We mapped out the best route to Williamsburg.
We took all the money from the swear jars and booked a hotel room.
We thought you deserved a trip. And I say that without any attitude.
[giving them a nice hug] I truly, madly, deeply love you so [BLEEP] much, I can't stand it.
Murray
[watches her hugging them] Guess I'm schlepping to Williamsburg. Morons.
[voiceover] 'Cause in the end, no matter what you go through... If you have your friends and family by your side, you will get by.
[The scene cuts to the word "Dedicated to the Real Matt Bradley"]
Will Matthew Bradley come out as a winner today?
[Then the word appears saying "Matt Bradley (The Chill Member of the JTP)" with an arrow pointing at him]
He's got a smile. Or will Barry Goldberg be a winner today?
[Then the word also appears saying "Barry Goldberg (Leader of the JTP in his mind)" with an arrow pointing at him]
[voiceover] It was April 5th, 1980-something. My sister's senior year was cruising right along, until this happened.
Question... What is this garbage?
Oh, goodie! You got your college interview for Penn State!
Thing is, I didn't schedule it, and I'm not going. Carnegie Mellon is the only school I care about.
Well, you always need a backup. That's why I always bake two pies, in case Murray eats one while sleepwalking.
Mom, if I don't get into CMU, then I'm just gonna skip college to busk on the street like a true artist.
So, what am I supposed to tell people? "Oh, there's my daughter, singing next to a hobo who's going pishy on another hobo." Penn State is amazing! That place made your father everything he is today.
Murray
Bevy. I lost another hot dog.
What? Why does this keep happening?
Murray
I guess 'cause my, uh, gesturing hand is also my hot-dog-holding hand.
I think my point here is proven.
Murray, your daughter thinks she's too good to go to her Penn State interview.
Murray
Let's get something straight, little missy. Graduating from Penn State is the greatest accomplishment of my life.
Too bad, Dad. I'm going to Carnegie Mellon.
Murray
You are going to Penn State. It is cheaper, it's more affordable, and it costs less!
That's the same thing said three different ways!
Murray
Well, if it's good enough for me, it's good enough for you.
Okay, fine. I guess I didn't realize how important this was to you. I promise to take my Penn State interview seriously.
[voiceover] By "seriously", my sister meant "intentionally tank" her Penn State interview.
Murray
Ah, again with this? My car works just fine. Tell her, Bill.
This kind of feels like one of those lose-lose situations I'd rather not be involved in.
Too late. You're going with us. You're gonna be a bad influence and goad him into spending more money.
Murray
How about this? We compromise. I replace the door handle, and boom! Everybody wins!
Forget the door handle. You've been driving the same car since our first date.
Murray
So it's got sentimental value. You get it.
You're getting a new car. [leaves him]
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
