[voiceover] Ah, the Grateful Dead... There were the chillest jam band of the '80s, and wherever they went, their die-hard fans would follow them. Back then, every school had the token Deadhead. Ours was Matt Bradley.
Matt[singing] I will get by
R"Naked" Rob
So talented.
Where you guys been? I was at the Wawa, feeding that stray dog pizza. You missed out big-time. He loves pineapples, like a person.
I eat those, and I'm a person.
Come on. Let's go spit off a bridge.
Actually, I think we'd rather just chill here and watch Matt Bradley jam.
That guy? He's a stupid Deadhead.
So? Their songs are, like, a million hours long, their crazy fans smell like armpits, and all they wear is tie-dye. It's like, pick a color, bro. You can't have them all.
Look past the swirly colors, man. Matt Bradley's a good egg.
We should totally make him a member of the JTP.
No way! It's in our official bylaws that any potential JTP prospect has to bring something new to the group.
R"Naked" Rob
Dude, he's, like, a chick magnet.
He's also, like, super-chill.
I'm super-chill! I will physically hurt your face right now!
At the very least, he's musical.
You want music? Watch and learn. [standing on the table] Attention, adoring fans. Big Tasty is in the house!
[pointing at Johnny] That's right! I do rock. JTP, drop a beat.
Um, Bar, history has proven that you say two good lines and then you freeze up and just repeat them over and over...
[They start beatboxing]
[singing] Check to the one and check to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rapping at you 'Cause I'm checking to the one and I'm checking to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rapping for you Checkity one and checkity two
He's stuck in a loop again.
[continues singing] And I'm rapping and I'm rapping and I'm rapping at you
[Crowd boos]
And he's gonna get hit in the face in three, two...
Yo, dude, we've been talking, and we want to make an official vote to include Matt Bradley into the JTP.
BBradley
We already decided. He brings nothing new to the table.
A streamlined iguana? For real? [He looks at Matt Bradley who has a snake around his neck]
R"Naked" Rob
A deal's a deal. He's JTP-worthy.
Fine! We take a vote and never discuss it again. All those in favor in accepting Matt Bradley as a member of the JTP, say "Aye."
Those opposed? Me. And as we all know, I'm the leader, so my vote counts as three. And what does that mean?
And what happens in the event of a tie vote?
Democracy in action! Let's go.
Matt
Yo, JTP, you meet Snake Plissken?
Matt
Nah. He's a boa, super-docile.
Matt
Oh, I was gonna see if you wanted to hold it.
Oh, yeah! I mean... No. We took a vote. We reject you and your awesome viper.
That's not what the vote was for. It was to be a member of the JTP.
Matt
Wow. I would be honored.
Don't be. You've already been rejected. It was a landslide.
R"Naked" Rob
Come on, Bar. At least give him a chance to take the membership test.
Matt
Membership test?
It's a series of riddles, trivia, and feats of strength.
Matt
Sounds rad.
Fine! I'll give you a shot. But, as our charter states, once you fail, you can't ever be one of us.
Matt
You don't mess around in the JTP.
No! He's not a member! No call and response, JTP.
[voiceover] As we bankrolled our trip to the Bahamas, my brother was banking on Matt Bradley failing the impossible JTP entrance exam.
Let the trials of the JTP begin.
First up, Smashball. Let's see you hit my unhittable knuckle melon. [He throws the melon just before Matt destroys it with the stick]
[voiceover] But he destroyed that melon, and every other challenge.
[The scene cuts to them outside at the market]
Slushie chug. No mere mortal can ingest an extra-large...
Matt
Done! Aah! My head! But worth it!
R"Naked" Rob
He's immortal.
Riddles and trivia. A body is found in a locked room...
Matt
Is the weapon as ice knife?
Damn it!! Next category, busting balls. Came up with three insults for how short Andy is.
Oh. No, we don't have to do...
Matt
Andy's so tiny, he uses a sock as a sleeping bag. When Andy plays mini-golf, it's just called "Golf." Did you hear Andy died? He was bungee-jumping off a curb and the dental floss broke.
I feel completely humiliated. This guy's awesome!
Blindfolded Rubik's Cube, which no human can do, which means you'll never be one of us. Go!
Bro, this isn't in the charter.
The charter is a living document, and, lucky for me, it makes it so he'll never be able to...
Matt
[He has finished solving the Rubik's Cube] Done!
Matt
Dude! Am I in the JTP?
Matt
That means "yes." Cool! So, what are we doing this weekend?
Well, I don't know what you'll be doing, but the O.G. JTP will be seeing the Fat Boys. I'd invite you, but it's sold out.
Matt
Why don't we go see the Dead? They're playing at the fairgrounds.
Easy, new guy. The JTP likes their music in rap form or not at all.
Actually, I wouldn't mind switching it up a bit.
Shut up, you tiny, little... Pocket... Man... Face... Damn it, that's hard.
R"Naked" Rob
That's a big thumb-up on the Dead, Matty.
Matt
Wait. Barry, don't you own a van? We could turn it into a Dead bus.
No! That's our A-Team van we're taking to the Fat Boys! And, like all other JTP decisions, we're putting this concert to a vote. Who wants to see the Fat Boys tomorrow? That's three votes for Fat Bays.
Matt
Why do you count as three?
'Cause don't question it. Now, how many of you want to go see that weird, lame thing I don't want to do? One, two, three... Four?
Matt
Grateful Dead, it is. You're gonna love it, JTP.
AAll
[chanting] JTP! JTP! JTP! [chanting continues]
They have four votes. I'll never get to bulldoze my closest friends again! This is a nightmare!
[voiceover] With that, the jar wars were on. Meanwhile, it was all peace and love at the Grateful Dead show.
Dude, this 45-minute song is amazing.
R"Naked" Rob
And everyone's so nice.
Yeah, especially that one guy that invited me to live with him and those 10 other guys over there on that patch of lawn.
Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if we could listen to this concert later? [He opens his jacket revealing the tapes]
Matt
What's all that?
Definitely not illegal bootleg equipment that'll allow me to profit after selling them later!
SGSecurity Guard
Hey, pal, you trying to tape the show?
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh! We're gonna have to go, huh?
SGSecurity Guard
For sure. Taping section's way over there. You can go down there.
[voiceover] Unfortunately for my brother, he picked the one band chill enough to let you tape them.
Matt
Barry, you're the man. You just scored us better seats.
Why? What kind of band allows you to tape their entire concert? This doesn't make any sense.
Matt
Dead are a band of the people. Music's for everyone.
They're so nice. Now I hate them even more! They were supposed to kick us out!
Whoa. So, you wanted to ruin this for us?
I mean, not ruin. I was just...
R"Naked" Rob
Not cool, bro.
Matt
Yeah, man. You're, like, a bad friend to the JTP.
Hey! I started this posse. Without me, there is no JTP. [They realize what Barry said] You didn't say "JTP" back.
Matt is right. You're a selfish friend.
R"Naked" Rob
Yeah, and if that's how you want to run the JTP, then we don't want you in it.
Fine. I don't care. I'll start a better, more badass posse without you.
[Geoff, Andy, "Naked" Rob and Matt sadly leave Barry behind]
[voiceover] With that, the jar wars came to an end. Meanwhile, my brother was hoping for a new beginning with his friends.
Hey. Can I talk to you guys?
[They don't answer]
Matt
Come on, guys. Give him a chance.
Thanks, man. I was a jerk, okay? [lifting up his eye mask] Look, the three of you are the first real friends I ever had, and I just didn't want to lose you to someone else and be all alone again.
So, to make it up to you, I bought tickets to the next Dead show. [He hands them the tickets] Hoping maybe I can tag along?
Matt
Don't look at me. I'm not the leader.
No one is. We're just... The JTP.
Matt
Uh, Bar, these tickets are for Fairmount Park. How are we supposed to get there?
[The scene cuts to the JTP van]
Awesome! This seems like a big move for a band we just got into, but I like it.
[The Grateful Dead's Touch of Grey plays]
Matt
Good to have you back, Big Tasty.
It's good to be back, Matt Bradley.
[Barry and Matt agree]
[voiceover] It was official. The JTP had their newest, chillest member, Matt Bradley. And to this very day, he's still my brother's closest, dearest friend. That's what happens when you open your heart and let someone in.
I give you Baré... Formal active wear for going to a ball or slam-dunking one.
Next, we got Naked Rob. BaréStyles is the only clothing this nudist will wear.
R"Naked" Rob
It really breathes, bro.
For the tiny man who can live in a shoe, we got Andy Cogan modelling the petite line.
Aw, come on, dude! I'm helping you!
And finally, we got Matthew Bradley showing off our sportsedo.
Matt
He shoots and scores... With the ladies.
Okay, he's making these poor boys wear a bunch of schmattas. You got to get involved now!
[voiceover] As my dad decided his new hobby was saving money, Barry was coming up with a plan to save our butts.
There it is, gentlemen, the answer to all our problems.
Easy. We steal Cecil the janitor's golf cart and replace the one we sunk. It's the perfect crime.
R"Naked" Rob
But then Cecil has no cart.
Way ahead of you. We then steal another golf cart from the different country club to replace Cecil's.
But then wouldn't the second golf course be missing their cart?
Which is why we steal and replace golf carts several times a day for the rest of our natural lives.
Matt
Isn't that a Ponzi scheme, bro?
Fonzie has nothing to do with this, Matthew. He drives a motorcycle.
Not a Fonzie scheme, dude, Ponzi. And that's exactly what it is.
Not at all. All we got to do is swipe hundreds, if not thousands, of golf carts to keep our scam alive until we grow old and our children take our place!
[to Adam] You really need to go to your sister about this.
On my way. [rushing off to see Erica]
Off-campus lunch is a go, boys. We've got 36 minutes to make it to Jim's Steaks and back. Let's ride.
Wait. I thought your dad sold his crappy old Tercel.
He bought it back 'cause his new sports car was even crappier than this crap box.
Matt
Uh, bro, the door won't open.
That's 'cause it's been permanently busted. You just got to Dukes of Hazzard it. [runs toward his car but he is hit]
Need more of a head start. [runs to it again]
[They all groan]
Took my eye off it. [runs to it again]
[They all groan]
Who moved the car? [runs to it again and then jumps over it] J... T... P!
General Lee! [jumps over the car again]
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
