Barry quotes from The Goldbergs

[voiceover] Yep, my sister was ready for a life of crime just as Barry was preparing to steal Bill's heart.

Gentlemen! Thought you might like to load up on some meat and cheese before an active day in the hot sun. You're a fan, right, Bill?

Bill

Of Geno's cheesesteaks. You bought Pat's. Why not just punch me in the face?

Aren't they directly across the street from each other with the exact same ingredients?

Bill

Go on, punch my face. Do it.

Or we go to the eagles-cowboys game. 50-yard line, root for America's team?

Bill

I thought you were a diehard Eagles fan.

Until I discovered the Cowboys, my other favorite team, which happens to be yours.

Bill

You're gonna turn on the Eagles just like that? Son, don't you have any spine at all?

No. But you know what I do have? Matching bucket hats!

Bill

Why?

Murray

Oh, no.

'Cause you love Bob Denver. You know, Gilligan, from the island.

Bill

What?

He's my favorite, too.

Bill

I don't like Bob Denver. I like John Denver.

Is there a difference?

Murray

Oh, no.

Bill

Yes, one is folk icon who melts my heart. The other is a scrawny weirdo who couldn't close with Ginger or Mary Ann.

[laughs] I totally know the difference. I'm just busting chops. I just got you this hat so your head won't burn.

Bill

Are you calling me bald?

No, you have a beautiful head of hair. On the sides. You look like a judge.

Murray

Well, it's almost tee time. Come on, Barry. You're gonna come with us today.

Bill

He is?

I am?

Murray

Yeah, I invited the boy to join us.

Bill

You did?

You did?

Murray

Yeah, Barry and I play golf all the time. It's our thing.

I've never golfed with you, not once.

Murray

Moron, I'm doing you a solid. Don't blow this.

[voiceover] My dad did Barry the rare solid. Now, all Barry had to do was drive it home with Bill.

[clapping his hands] Ah, golf. The sports of kings. And queens, equal rights. [chuckles] I respect your foxy daughter. No, not foxy, she's an uggo to me. Not everyone else. They all think she has an awesome, plump butt.

Bill

What the [BLEEP], man?

Murray

Okay, we're trying way too hard.

I get it, be myself.

Murray

No, don't do that either.

Wild Bill! You need a caddy?

Bill

There he is.

Anthony Balsamo's here? I can't complete with him. He's a total babe.

Murray

Relax, you're playing golf with Bill. He's just the caddy.

You're right. He's the caddy, the guy behind the guy. He's the one in Bill's ear whispering sweet advice. That's what I got to do.

Murray

Not what I meant.

Hey, pretty boy. Take a lap, I got this. [He dashes off] Just give me a sec. I'll catch up. [He picks up two golf bags with clubs in them but drops a lot of clubs]

[voiceover] Even though Bill Lewis was having the round of his life, my brother was having no luck breaking the ice.

Being a caddy sucks. All Bill wants me to do is wash his balls and hold his bag. It's funny but hard work.

Murray

I told you not to caddy for him.

[sighs] I messed this whole thing up. I'll never get another shot with Bill.

Murray

All right. I'm gonna help you.

For real?

Murray

Yeah. But this counts as your birthday present. Hey, Bill. Tweaked my shoulder. Barry's gonna finish the round for me.

Bill

[sighs]

Gonna use a driver on this one.

Bill

You're 60 yards out. Don't use my expensive driver for this chip shot.

Uh-uh-uh. No talking in my backswing. I learned that after I did it to you three times. It was now or never.

[voiceover] Barry would have to dig down deep inside himself and do the impossible.

Bill

Son of a bitch.

Murray

That's about right.

It's okay. I got this. [He goes into the water but it is so cold] Whoa! Way colder than I thought.

[voiceover] As Barry desperately failed in that murky golf pond, my dad realized the kid really needed a life preserver.

Bill

Starting to see why you call him moron so much.

Murray

Yeah, well, the thing is he's the sweetest moron you'd ever want to meet. And he loves your daughter, so much that he'd do anything to impress you.

I'm feeling around with my feet. It's mostly old golf balls and something with scales that's not afraid of humans.

Oh! I think I drowned a little. It was a very peaceful feeling. I saw my old gerbil. I'm going back in.

Bill

There he is. You old son of a gun.

Are you talking to me?

Bill

Yeah. [to Lainey] Hey, sweetie. Can I have a minute with my caddy?

No.

Lainey

Be nice. [She just moves herself out of the way so Bill can sit next to him]

[sighs]

Bill

Listen. I know I've been hard on you, but there's a reason.

'Cause I'm not awesome like Anthony Balsamo?

Bill

[scoffs] No. To tell the truth, I knew those other guys were just a flash in the pan. But what you two have, it's the real deal.

You think so?

Bill

Yeah. It's...scary. I guess I'm not just ready to lose my little girl. But I'm gonna try to be better about it.

[voiceover] Inspired by the girl they both loved, Bill decided to start a new chapter with Barry. [Barry laughs] As for me, I closed the book on my life of crime.

Erica

Not so fun getting grounded for a month, huh?

Honestly, it's a relief. I was on a dark road. Farewell, Garth Vader Stein. Nice knowing you.

Beverly

Don't talk to him, Erica. He's grounded. You know, you could learn a thing or two from your big sister.

[voiceover] And my mom finally turned a new page with Erica.

I really could.

Beverly

Made you a banana split. [to Adam] You get nothing. [She leaves]#

Erica

Hey, jailbird. Want to split this?

I would like that.

[voiceover] Growing up, we're all seen a certain way.

Yes! Mark it down. Octuple-bogey! Whoo!

[voiceover] But the people you love always see you for who you really are.

Murray

He's a moron.

Bill

He really is.

[voiceover] And that's something worth celebrating.

This is my tapes, my other tapes.

[voiceover] Maybe it was panic. Maybe it was nerd rage. Maybe it was the fact that my brother had been kicking my butt my whole life, but by then I said no more. [Young Adam bodyslams Barry]

WHAT THE [BEEP]?! Ow... [walks away in pain]

[voiceover] Back in the '80s, Philadelphia hosted one of the most legendary charity rock concerts ever assembled: Live Aid, and no one wanted to go more than Big Tasty.

Dad, we need to have an insanely important talk. And if you say, "Go to your mother," there will be serious consequences.

Murray

Not listening. Go to your mother.

Okay, you know how all the awesome stuff happens in New York and L.A. and Florida, but never here?

Murray

You do know the Philadelphia is the birthplace of our country, right?

Enough with your folk tales, old man! I'm talking about now. [He shows his dad a newspaper saying Live Aid.] It's called Live Aid. The world's biggest rock concert ever is happening here this weekend, and I need your car.

Murray

What's wrong with your van?

Doesn't start. I think it needs new spark plugs or gas or something. Point is, give me your keys and wallet. Hurry.

Murray

Here's the thing... No.

But I presented such a strong case!

Murray

This concert's been all over the news. There's gonna be a million morons pouring into the city, each one with bad hair and worse ideas.

But I have the worst ideas! I should be there, too.

Murray

No way I'm allowing my car to be driven in that madness. It'll never return.

Do you mean know who's performing at Live Aid?

Murray

I don't know, and more importantly, I don't care.

Rick Springfield, REO Speedwagon, the Hooters, Black Sabbath, RUN-D.M.C., Simple Minds, Judas Priest, Led Zeppelin, Bernard Watson, Joan Baez, Four Tops, Billy Ocean, Bryan Adams, Crosby, Stills & Nash, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, Neil Young, Bob Dylan, George Thorogood & The Destroyers, most of the Rolling Stones, all of Hall & Oates, Madonna, Phil Collins, Duran Duran, Eddie Kendricks and David Ruffin, Patti LaBelle, The Cars, Kenny Loggins, Tom Petty, and The Heartbreakers, Santana, Pretenders, Ashford & Simpson...

Murray

Ashford & Simpson? I'm in!

Really?

Murray

No! None of these names mean anything to me!

[on the phone] Hi. You've reached the Goldbergs. Leave a message.

Erica

Hey. I got a flat tire, and I need...

Ha! It's not the answering machine, you dumb idiot! It's actually me... Barry.

Erica

[sighs] It's me. I need Dad...

Gotcha again! It is the answering machine. Leave a message.

Erica

Damn it! I've got a flat tire, and I need Dad...

No, it's actually me, Barry, for real. So, what's the deal?

Erica

Barry, I will kill you! Put Dad on the...

But, seriously, leave a message at the beep.

Erica

Dad, I've got a flat...

Oh, my God. You're a dumb sack of crap.

[voiceover] As Erica's plans for senior year were crumbling, my year was shaping up to be epic.

Dave

Dude. Ms. Cinoman just posted the cast list. I'm The Phantom! The lead. Was there any doubt?

No one likes a diva, Dave Kim. Oh, did you see what I got?

A lifetime of pain. Give it up now or be a loser forever.

Lainey

[excited] Oh, my God! I got Christine!

Whoa, whoa. Hold up! Since when do you do the school musical?

Lainey

Since it became Phantom of the Opera.

But I thought we shared the same beliefs and core values, mainly that theater was super lame.

Lainey

It is, except Phantom being the one exception because it's romantic and full of candelabras. [to Adam] And guess what? You're Raoul.

Wait, are you sure it's not the other Adam Goldberg? He's an actor, too.

Lainey

There's an "F." It's Adam F!

My first big part! Suck it, other Adam Goldberg! Don't tell him I said that. I fear him. But yes!

Lainey

Yeah, we're like the power couple of the show.

What?

Lainey

It's acting. Don't make this weird. [to Adam] Yay, Phantom! [squeals lightly]

[sighs] She was supposed to come over and watch me provoke those hornets! Can you believe this?

Kind of.

Geoff

It's Andrew Lloyd Webber's opus.

What are you talking about?

Andy

Haven't you heard the original West End cast recording? Dude.

Dude.

Geoff

The Phantom loved Christine so much, he let her go.

Oh, for sure.

Geoff

No doubt.

What's a showmance?

It's when people play lovers onstage, and it leads to chemistry offstage, too.

How do you guys know so much about theater?

Geoff

We saw the musical Hair. We went for the nudity, but stayed for the rich musical tapestry.

You guys are nuts! My super foxy girlfriend and theater dork brother? Yeah, not sweating it.

Strange 'cause your t-shirt is quite wet.

Andy

Yeah you're literally sweating it.

You are! Anyhow, I'm gonna go charge my shirt and pop by rehearsal for the fun of it. [He runs off]

Geoff

He's so sweaty.

Andy

Yeah, it's like a gland issue.

Must be.

My brother. Barry, my handsome and powerful brother, I need your help.

Normally I'd punch you and walk away, but I gotta say I'm intrigued.

I joined the tennis team, and I need a doubles partner.

Becoming bored!

And I need your incredible gifts.

Listening again.

Since you dominated all sports, I was wondering if you'd help me seek revenge on my best friend on the tennis court.

Well, you're in luck 'cause I know everything there is about tennis because of the coolest player on the planet.

[voiceover] Ah, the Grateful Dead... There were the chillest jam band of the '80s, and wherever they went, their die-hard fans would follow them. Back then, every school had the token Deadhead. Ours was Matt Bradley.

Matt

[singing] I will get by

So talented.

Andy

So chill.

Geoff

I will get by.

JTP!

JTP!

Where you guys been? I was at the Wawa, feeding that stray dog pizza. You missed out big-time. He loves pineapples, like a person.

Andy

I told you, bro!

Hilarious.

Geoff

I eat those, and I'm a person.

Come on. Let's go spit off a bridge.

Andy

Actually, I think we'd rather just chill here and watch Matt Bradley jam.

That guy? He's a stupid Deadhead.

So?

So? Their songs are, like, a million hours long, their crazy fans smell like armpits, and all they wear is tie-dye. It's like, pick a color, bro. You can't have them all.

Geoff

Look past the swirly colors, man. Matt Bradley's a good egg.

Andy

We should totally make him a member of the JTP.

No way! It's in our official bylaws that any potential JTP prospect has to bring something new to the group.

Dude, he's, like, a chick magnet.

We already got one, me!

Andy

He's also, like, super-chill.

I'm super-chill! I will physically hurt your face right now!

Geoff

At the very least, he's musical.

You want music? Watch and learn. [standing on the table] Attention, adoring fans. Big Tasty is in the house!

Johnny

You suck!

[pointing at Johnny] That's right! I do rock. JTP, drop a beat.

Geoff

Um, Bar, history has proven that you say two good lines and then you freeze up and just repeat them over and over...

I said "Drop a beat!"

[singing] Check to the one and check to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rapping at you 'Cause I'm checking to the one and I'm checking to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rapping for you Checkity one and checkity two

Andy

He's stuck in a loop again.

[continues singing] And I'm rapping and I'm rapping and I'm rapping at you

Geoff

And he's gonna get hit in the face in three, two...

Geoff

Yo, dude, we've been talking, and we want to make an official vote to include Matt Bradley into the JTP.

We already decided. He brings nothing new to the table.

Andy

Bro, he's got a snake.

A streamlined iguana? For real? [He looks at Matt Bradley who has a snake around his neck]

A deal's a deal. He's JTP-worthy.

Fine! We take a vote and never discuss it again. All those in favor in accepting Matt Bradley as a member of the JTP, say "Aye."

Aye.

Those opposed? Me. And as we all know, I'm the leader, so my vote counts as three. And what does that mean?

Tie vote.

And what happens in the event of a tie vote?

You win.

Democracy in action! Let's go.

Matt

Yo, JTP, you meet Snake Plissken?

He poisonous?

Matt

Nah. He's a boa, super-docile.

Lame.

Matt

Oh, I was gonna see if you wanted to hold it.

Oh, yeah! I mean... No. We took a vote. We reject you and your awesome viper.

Geoff

That's not what the vote was for. It was to be a member of the JTP.

Matt

Wow. I would be honored.

Don't be. You've already been rejected. It was a landslide.

Come on, Bar. At least give him a chance to take the membership test.

Matt

Membership test?

Andy

It's a series of riddles, trivia, and feats of strength.

Matt

Sounds rad.

Fine! I'll give you a shot. But, as our charter states, once you fail, you can't ever be one of us.

Matt

You don't mess around in the JTP.

JTP!

No! He's not a member! No call and response, JTP.

JTP.

[voiceover] As we bankrolled our trip to the Bahamas, my brother was banking on Matt Bradley failing the impossible JTP entrance exam.

Let the trials of the JTP begin.

JTP!

First up, Smashball. Let's see you hit my unhittable knuckle melon. [He throws the melon just before Matt destroys it with the stick]

Geoff

Yes!

[voiceover] But he destroyed that melon, and every other challenge.

Slushie chug. No mere mortal can ingest an extra-large...

Matt

Done! Aah! My head! But worth it!

Geoff

Dang!

Andy

He's unstoppable!

He's immortal.

Riddles and trivia. A body is found in a locked room...

Matt

Is the weapon as ice knife?

Damn it!! Next category, busting balls. Came up with three insults for how short Andy is.

Andy

Oh. No, we don't have to do...

Go!

Matt

Andy's so tiny, he uses a sock as a sleeping bag. When Andy plays mini-golf, it's just called "Golf." Did you hear Andy died? He was bungee-jumping off a curb and the dental floss broke.

Ohh!

Geoff

Ohh!

Andy

I feel completely humiliated. This guy's awesome!

Blindfolded Rubik's Cube, which no human can do, which means you'll never be one of us. Go!

Geoff

Bro, this isn't in the charter.

The charter is a living document, and, lucky for me, it makes it so he'll never be able to...

Matt

[He has finished solving the Rubik's Cube] Done!

What? That's awesome!

Matt

Dude! Am I in the JTP?

JTP!

Matt

That means "yes." Cool! So, what are we doing this weekend?

Well, I don't know what you'll be doing, but the O.G. JTP will be seeing the Fat Boys. I'd invite you, but it's sold out.

Matt

Why don't we go see the Dead? They're playing at the fairgrounds.

Easy, new guy. The JTP likes their music in rap form or not at all.

Andy

Actually, I wouldn't mind switching it up a bit.

Shut up, you tiny, little... Pocket... Man... Face... Damn it, that's hard.

That's a big thumb-up on the Dead, Matty.

Matt

Wait. Barry, don't you own a van? We could turn it into a Dead bus.

Yes!

Andy

For sure! A van-bus!

No! That's our A-Team van we're taking to the Fat Boys! And, like all other JTP decisions, we're putting this concert to a vote. Who wants to see the Fat Boys tomorrow? That's three votes for Fat Bays.

Matt

Why do you count as three?

'Cause don't question it. Now, how many of you want to go see that weird, lame thing I don't want to do? One, two, three... Four?

Matt

Grateful Dead, it is. You're gonna love it, JTP.

[chanting] JTP! JTP! JTP! [chanting continues]

They have four votes. I'll never get to bulldoze my closest friends again! This is a nightmare!

[voiceover] And so we were forced to avoid being our usual selves. Meanwhile, Pops was watching TV as Barry forced himself to like the Grateful Dead.

[groans] Stupid Grateful Dead. I've been listening to a bass guitar solo for 20 minutes.

Pops

That's a lot of bass.

Everyone knows no song can be longer than 10 minutes unless it's The Sugar Hill Gang.

Pops

I know what'll make you feel better. What's Happening!!

And I told you... This kid Matt Bradley is trying to take my place as supreme and almighty leader of the JTP.

Pops

No, I'm saying What's Happening!!

I'm losing my posse! How are you not getting this?

Pops

I get it! I mean... What's Happening!!

I told you what's happening 10 times!

[voiceover] Much like my mom, who tended to swear, this is what Pops usually said.

Pops

[in the past] What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening?

Oh! What's Happening!! I love Rerun on these reruns This is a classic. Rerun tries to bootleg a show, and then the Doobie Brothers stop an entire concert when they see Rerun taping them.

Pops

Thanks for ruining it.

Wait a minute. He ruined the concert. That's it! I'll record the Dead concert and get caught.

Pops

I'm gonna really ask this time... What's happening?

I'll tell you what's happening. I'm gonna make sure the JTP never see a Dead show again.

[voiceover] With that, the jar wars were on. Meanwhile, it was all peace and love at the Grateful Dead show.

Andy

Dude, this 45-minute song is amazing.

And everyone's so nice.

Geoff

Yeah, especially that one guy that invited me to live with him and those 10 other guys over there on that patch of lawn.

Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if we could listen to this concert later? [He opens his jacket revealing the tapes]

Matt

What's all that?

Definitely not illegal bootleg equipment that'll allow me to profit after selling them later!

Hey, pal, you trying to tape the show?

Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh! We're gonna have to go, huh?

For sure. Taping section's way over there. You can go down there.

[voiceover] Unfortunately for my brother, he picked the one band chill enough to let you tape them.

Matt

Barry, you're the man. You just scored us better seats.

Why? What kind of band allows you to tape their entire concert? This doesn't make any sense.

Matt

Dead are a band of the people. Music's for everyone.

They're so nice. Now I hate them even more! They were supposed to kick us out!

Geoff

Whoa. So, you wanted to ruin this for us?

I mean, not ruin. I was just...

Not cool, bro.

Matt

Yeah, man. You're, like, a bad friend to the JTP.

JTP.

Hey! I started this posse. Without me, there is no JTP. [They realize what Barry said] You didn't say "JTP" back.

Andy

Matt is right. You're a selfish friend.

Yeah, and if that's how you want to run the JTP, then we don't want you in it.

Fine. I don't care. I'll start a better, more badass posse without you.

Andy

See you around, Tasty.

[voiceover] Since my brother lost control of the JTP, he decided to assemble a better crew... He hoped.

Okay, welcome to my all-new and improved posse. I'm Big Tasty founder and leader. First order of business, we need a name.

Johnny

How about Rush?

How about hush?

Johnny

No Rush, no Atkins. [He annoyingly stands up and leaves Barry]

Okay, so, our name has to have "Jenkintown" in it. I was thinking the Jenkintown Awesome Group.

Wait, you want us to be the JAGs?

[in Russian accent] This is name for unbearable loser, yes? A jag?

Pops

Foreign kid's right. I don't want to be a jag.

Also, why is there an old man in our super-cool group?

Every group has a life of the party, and that's Pops. I'm our badass leader, Sergei's the funny one. And, of course, we got our wild card, Naked Dan.

Naked Dan? This is weird. I'm out. [He leaves]

Is decided. Naked Sergei!