[voiceover] With that, the jar wars came to an end. Meanwhile, my brother was hoping for a new beginning with his friends.
BBarry
Hey. Can I talk to you guys?
[They don't answer]
Come on, guys. Give him a chance.
BBarry
Thanks, man. I was a jerk, okay? [lifting up his eye mask] Look, the three of you are the first real friends I ever had, and I just didn't want to lose you to someone else and be all alone again.
BBarry
So, to make it up to you, I bought tickets to the next Dead show. [He hands them the tickets] Hoping maybe I can tag along?
Don't look at me. I'm not the leader.
BBarry
No one is. We're just... The JTP.
Uh, Bar, these tickets are for Fairmount Park. How are we supposed to get there?
[The scene cuts to the JTP van]
Awesome! This seems like a big move for a band we just got into, but I like it.
[The Grateful Dead's Touch of Grey plays]
Good to have you back, Big Tasty.
BBarry
It's good to be back, Matt Bradley.
[Barry and Matt agree]
[voiceover] It was official. The JTP had their newest, chillest member, Matt Bradley. And to this very day, he's still my brother's closest, dearest friend. That's what happens when you open your heart and let someone in.
[Beverly is busy sorting out these jars just as Adam and Erica arrive with his map]
We mapped out the best route to Williamsburg.
We took all the money from the swear jars and booked a hotel room.
We thought you deserved a trip. And I say that without any attitude.
[giving them a nice hug] I truly, madly, deeply love you so [BLEEP] much, I can't stand it.
[watches her hugging them] Guess I'm schlepping to Williamsburg. Morons.
[voiceover] 'Cause in the end, no matter what you go through... If you have your friends and family by your side, you will get by.
BBarry
[singing] I will get by
[The scene cuts to the word "Dedicated to the Real Matt Bradley"]
Will Matthew Bradley come out as a winner today?
[Then the word appears saying "Matt Bradley (The Chill Member of the JTP)" with an arrow pointing at him]
He's got a smile. Or will Barry Goldberg be a winner today?
[Then the word also appears saying "Barry Goldberg (Leader of the JTP in his mind)" with an arrow pointing at him]
BBarry
I give you Baré... Formal active wear for going to a ball or slam-dunking one.
BBarry
Next, we got Naked Rob. BaréStyles is the only clothing this nudist will wear.
R"Naked" Rob
It really breathes, bro.
BBarry
For the tiny man who can live in a shoe, we got Andy Cogan modelling the petite line.
Aw, come on, dude! I'm helping you!
BBarry
And finally, we got Matthew Bradley showing off our sportsedo.
He shoots and scores... With the ladies.
Okay, he's making these poor boys wear a bunch of schmattas. You got to get involved now!
Babe, it really was the perfect night. Thanks so much for not going overboard. It really means the world to me.
BBarry
Of course. I got to feed the meter. Be right back.
[Barry comes to see that man]
BBarry
Change of plans! You need to get these giant horses out of here.
OKOnna Kone
Where's my 80 bucks, bro?
BBarry
Wha... These aren't my alley horses. [to Onna] Yah! Get out!
Let's ride the horses, Barry.
BBarry
Awesome! I get the one with the pretty hair.
[voiceover] As my dad decided his new hobby was saving money, Barry was coming up with a plan to save our butts.
BBarry
There it is, gentlemen, the answer to all our problems.
BBarry
Easy. We steal Cecil the janitor's golf cart and replace the one we sunk. It's the perfect crime.
R"Naked" Rob
But then Cecil has no cart.
BBarry
Way ahead of you. We then steal another golf cart from the different country club to replace Cecil's.
But then wouldn't the second golf course be missing their cart?
BBarry
Which is why we steal and replace golf carts several times a day for the rest of our natural lives.
Isn't that a Ponzi scheme, bro?
BBarry
Fonzie has nothing to do with this, Matthew. He drives a motorcycle.
Not a Fonzie scheme, dude, Ponzi. And that's exactly what it is.
BBarry
Not at all. All we got to do is swipe hundreds, if not thousands, of golf carts to keep our scam alive until we grow old and our children take our place!
[to Adam] You really need to go to your sister about this.
On my way. [rushing off to see Erica]
[Adam returns back home and sees Barry]
BBarry
Hey, Ad-Rock! Good news. I wrote another verse to help you get back with Jackie.
Dude, everything's fine with us now. Please don't sing for me.
Just let it happen, or he'll never leave you alone.
BBarry
[singing] Dear Jackie, I love you like no other But you know who's really awesome? Barry, my brother Black belt in karate, girls think he's a hottie It's like how much can you fit in one body? He's a god on Earth, an academic wiz To be Barry is divine, my words, not his I wish I could do what Big Tasty can But I'm only Adam, forever your man
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
Girls, I must confess
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
Barry really is the best
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
To know him, we are blessed
BBarry
Barry rules the world
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
He's a man, he's a man, he's a man
Barry is the man
BBarry
I wrote that song for you, girl. Copyright Big Tasty Records. [drops the microphone and the microphone feedback]
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, the biggest night for any bride, besides the wedding, was the bachelorette party. Lashes were curled, hair was crimped, sashes were sashed... All to make it a night that the bride-to-be would never forget.
Guys, it's so sweet you went to all this trouble for me.
Really? 'Cause you said if we didn't, you'd "never forgive us."
VEValley Erica
And then you said, "If you're going to go to the trouble, do everything I say."
We totally went all-out. I even packed us a naughty bag of bachelorette nastiness. [She shows Erica and Lainey her purple bag] Check it out, girlfriend.
BBarry
[Taking the purple bag from Lainey] Oh, n-n-n-never!
Bar, you need to chill. All we're doing is going for a little fondue and a lot of karaoke.
BBarry
Where there's music, there's dancing. Will there be dancing in a group setting? Someone tell me.
VEValley Erica
What's happening?
BBarry
As bridesmaids, you are totally obligated to form a protective dance wall around the bride-to-be.
I thought our job was to, like, catch the bouquet and hook up with a random hot cousin.
BBarry
Wrong! Now, everyone fall into anti-grinding formation. Let's practice. Hey, I'm a local townie looking for a good grind. Uh-oh. They're playing "Safety Dance." But this is not safe.
Honestly, it's going to be fine.
BBarry
Then you leave me no choice. Attention! I shall throw my own wild bachelor party.
BBarry
Well, you shouldn't.
You should. You're never gonna do better anyway.
BBarry
Agreed. Time to go tell my best man to plan a gnarly bachelor party and also pick my best man. [He goes downstairs to see Adam] Adam, it's recently come to my attention that I need a best man, and I've made my choice.
Naked Rob, right? He's the heart and soul of the JTP.
BBarry
No, dummy. It's you, 'cause you're my brother and you mean that stupid world to me.
BBarry
Stop. Don't make this all weird and tearful.
I-I just can't help it. It's just such a wonderful moment for us.
BBarry
No! Don't you dare feel deep emotion, 'cause then I'll feel it, too!
I just... I have a brother who loves me so much.
BBarry
It's true. We gotta do man stuff fast. We can battle on my official "Over the Top" arm-wrestling table. I'm gonna break all the little bones in your little bird hand.
Do it. Right now. Be Stallone. Go over the top and pin my arm.
BBarry
Oh, no! Now we're just holding hands and staring into each other's teary eyes.
Your fingers are so gently entangled in mine.
BBarry
It's like you're my missing puzzle piece!
I don't know where I stop and where you begin!
BBarry
No! If you cry tears of love, then I'll cry tears of love.
Oh, no! I hear crying. I've got my first-aid kit. What's wrong?
Barry asked me to be his best man!
I need to hug you both as tight as I can right now.
BBarry
Hold me in your arms.
[They tearfully give each other a hug]
[voiceover] It was December 5th, 1980-something, and my mom was dropping us off at school in my dad's crappy old car. At least, she was trying to.
CMCoach Mellor
Goldbergs, you're up. Unlock and unload.
Mwah, mwah. Go. Be the amazing, delicious boys I birthed you to be.
BBarry
[trying to unlock the door] Damn it! You know this door doesn't open from the inside. You gotta get out and open it.
CMCoach Mellor
Goldberg, Goldfarb, let's hurry it up.
Damn it, just get out on Adam's side.
[trying to open the door] The door's bungee-d shut 'cause Dad slammed it too hard after the Eagles lost.
[getting out of Murray's car] Oh, poop!
CMCoach Mellor
No, you don't get out. They get out.
If I don't get out, they can't get out. I'm sorry. I had to take Murray's car today.
CMCoach Mellor
I don't need your backstory, Norman Mailer. Just get 'em out.
[She accidentally breaks the car door handle] Damn it, Murray!
CMCoach Mellor
All right, we got a two-minute limit. You're gonna have to circle back around. Next!
I am not getting back in that line. Look at how long it is.
CMCoach Mellor
It's that long because of you!
Boys, just climb out the window. Go, go, go! [Adam and Barry climb out the window] Oh, Schmoopie, no! Don't go headfirst!
I gotta see when I'm landing on. I don't want to get a gravel rash.
CMCoach Mellor
All right, this circus act is unacceptable.
CMCoach Mellor
Forget 'em. You got four other senses.
BBarry
Wait. My Toaster Strudel.
BBarry
It's fine. I'll just "Dukes of Hazzard" it.
Oh, Barry, no. Do not "Dukes of Hazzard" the window.
BBarry
Too late! [runs towards the car but he is hit]
[Meanwhile, Adam is playing a video game just as Barry comes to turn it off]
BBarry
Time to talk bachelor party, best man. Last night, I taped a movie off Cinemax starring Tom Hanks, that forever changed my life... [He shows Adam a videotape saying "Bachelor Party."] "Bachelor Party."
My dad said that movie was a raunchy shlockfest that celebrates the lowest form of comedy.
BBarry
Your dad knows his stuff. It is brilliant, and I want it to be the blueprint for my zany bachelor party.
What exactly do you mean by "zany"?
BBarry
I'm talking about a giant rager in a hotel suite with sketchy babes, unruly Japanese businessmen, and a beer-guzzling mule that passes out.
BBarry
Exactly! Everyone's saying I'm just a dumb kid who's stupidly getting married. But this party will prove I'm a dumb adult who's stupidly getting married.
That logic kind of tracks.
BBarry
Thank you, Dave Kimberly.
You think "Kim" is short for "Kimberly"?
BBarry
I'm certain of it. Get to party planning, boys. No pressure, but my whole marriage depends on it.
Don't worry. I will not rest till I throw you the bachelor party in "Bachelor Party."
[This scene cuts to Adam and Dave watching Bachelor Party on TV]
You can't throw him this bachelor party in this movie, man. You can't do it.
There's so much bad language and full-frontal shenanigans.
Why would boyishly lovable Tom Hanks agree to be in this? He's done. He'll never work again.
Barry said this marriage hinges on this! What are you gonna do, bro?
I don't know, Dave Kim. I don't know.
BBarry
Off-campus lunch is a go, boys. We've got 36 minutes to make it to Jim's Steaks and back. Let's ride.
Wait. I thought your dad sold his crappy old Tercel.
BBarry
He bought it back 'cause his new sports car was even crappier than this crap box.
Uh, bro, the door won't open.
BBarry
That's 'cause it's been permanently busted. You just got to Dukes of Hazzard it. [runs toward his car but he is hit]
BBarry
Need more of a head start. [runs to it again]
[They all groan]
BBarry
Took my eye off it. [runs to it again]
[They all groan]
BBarry
Who moved the car? [runs to it again and then jumps over it] J... T... P!
BBarry
General Lee! [jumps over the car again]
[voiceover] It was April 3rd, 1980-something, and my sister's stalled music career was about to get a boost.
Guys, I have insane news! We just got the gig of a lifetime. We're playing the Philadelphia freakin' Spectrum!
The Flyers Wives have this charity where they throw a whole carnival. And we got picked to be the local band to perform live on stage.
How did this even happen?
Word of mouth, obviously.
For sure. Also, I submitted a demo.
Oh, my God, Geoff. You are seriously the most amazing boyfriend/band member ever.
You got us our big break, Geoff. You've totally earned it.
Sweet! If there's one thing I know, managing my hot-tempered girlfriend's band could only end well.
Problem. This letter's for you and Lainey.
Yeah, I submitted their demo six months ago.
So now they're only getting two-thirds of the band they want? You suck, and you're fired!
Oh, no! This didn't end well at all!
We are so boned! There's no way they'll ever want us to perform now.
VEValley Erica
Like, why not? We still totally rock it hard without Lainey.
It's true. The Dropouts still got the goods. I demand you go for it!
Damn it. Our old but re-hired band manager is right. Our rocket ride to superstardom begins now.
You know, I've been dabbling a bit in documentary filmmaking. Maybe I can make a rockumentary about you guys, like U2's Rattle and Hum.
No way, nerd. Oh, wait. Sorry. Force of habit. Yes.
Our fans will for sure want to know how it all started.
Sweet! You get to perform for carnies and the Flyers' romantic partners, and I get to film it.
BBarry
I heard "Flyers" and "carnies." I must be a part of whatever this is.
They got a real gig playing The Spectrum.
No, it's none of his business. Just butt out, dude.
BBarry
Come on! We both know you need my fresh rhymes.
Your garbage rap has no place in a rock band.
BBarry
So what about when Aerosmith combined their rock with the sick rap stylings of Run-DMC?
Doesn't matter! You're not even in the band.
BBarry
Oh, I'm in the band!
No, you're not! Stop saying it!
BBarry
She said it! Adam's got it on tape!
[Adam puts his thumb up]
BBarry
It's official! I'm in the band.
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
