[voiceover] As my mom was laying down the law, Barry was laying down some tracks.
[Adam and Barry are beatboxing]
BBarry
Good afternoon, my name is Barry I came to get down, and my rhymes are scary
You morons! I told you to stop going in my room and stealing my old glasses.
But we need 'em to get the cool fisheye-lens effect.
BBarry
Your jacked-up eyeballs are our hip-hop supergroup's game.
BBarry
You may play the guitar and sing like an angel, but I'm the real musician in the family.
I'm just happy he's including me. Life DJ Jazzy Jeff.
Dude, you're not a real musician. You can't sing or read music or play an instrument, unlike me, who can do all of it.
BBarry
Hiding in your bedroom. You've written tons of lame chick songs, but no one's ever heard them.
I'm just... Perfecting each one.
BBarry
No. You're stalling 'cause you're afraid of what people might think of you. I, on the other hand, don't think at all.
It's true. He does not think.
Just because you like Beastie Boys doesn't mean you can be them. They're three awesome musicians, and you're two clueless idiots.
BBarry
You're right. We need a third.
I feel like I could say anything, and you would just do whatever you want.
BBarry
She's right! We should hold auditions! [He gives Adam a hi-five]
[rapping] Check it. One, two Two, one Three, two, one One, two, three Three, two, one Ah, wait. I messed up. Can I start over, guys?
[The next person to play the saxophone is Johnny Atkins]
Before you say yes, I have a list of 200 demands.
R"Naked" Rob
My rhymes are hotter than a candle's wick Call a doctor 'cause my flow is sick The ladies say Rob's gonna make it 'cause when I rock the mike, I get buck naked
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! Is there any way Naked Rob can rap without getting naked?
R"Naked" Rob
Nudity, or I walk.
Yeah, no, okay. [stutters] You guys, I thought I could do this to impress Erica, but I just... I can't. [stutters again] I get wicked stage fright.
BBarry
Dude! You look just like Ad-Rock. The resemblance is uncanny.
Oh, my God. It really is, bro.
Does Ad-Rock break into hives onstage? Oh, no. The room is spinning. I'm going down.
BBarry
He said yes! The Tasty Boys are in! [He gives Adam a hi-five as Geoff is in and falls]
BBarry
Yo, Erica! I've been practicing my freestyle. Want to hear it?
So, what? You spent all weekend writing a rap, and now you're trying to make me think that you're making it up on that spot?
BBarry
No. It's off the top of my head. Check it.
No, no, no, no. If this is freestyle, I pick the topic. Bicycles.
BBarry
Got it. This rap's dedicated to all the big-booty... Bicycles. [beatboxing] [singing] My name's Big Tasty, and my rhymes are shady
Come back to my crib and be my... Bicycle
Cause one not bicycle can't hold me down
I got to Have... Bicycles In every town
Bicycle, bicycle, I can't disguise
I love your neck, and I love your w... Wheels
You know, you're fooling no one, right?
BBarry
You just don't understand hip-hop. [walking out of her room clattering]
[voiceover] As my universe was crumbling, my mom saw a world where she finally got a photo in the paper with her kids.
Yo, yo, yo, volunteers. Who's ready to get this homeless party started?
BBarry
Mom, what are you doing here?
You're looking at the new regional captain for Hands Across America.
What happened to Coach Mellor?
He cracked under the pressure. But don't worry, Mama's here. I know how important this is for you.
BBarry
Me, too. Shut it down, people.
[They all groan]
Whoa, hold up. Now that I'm involved, you're just gonna bail?
BBarry
Nothing personal. You just make fun things suck.
Well, that... That is a shame because this lady right here just got Scott Baio to ditch Philly and come to J-town.
Dude, we got Fonzie's cousin.
[They all cheer]
No, everyone stop. Mom, did you really get Scott Baio?
I literally just got off the phone with Scotty B. He told me to call him "Scotty B." And he agreed to come here and hold hands with me.
I call the one available hand.
BBarry
No way! The hand is mine!
Okay, this is my future husband. Why do you care?
BBarry
'Cause he's my future best bro. And once Scott meets me, he'll ditch Willie Aames and fly me to Hollywood so I never have to talk to you people again.
Ugh. I don't understand how we all got the flu.
I told you... With all that hand-holding, you'd catch a bug.
Will you stop saying that? It's not even how it works.
[Someone knocks at the door]
Ooh, sounds like we may have a special visitor.
Wait, did Scott Baio's people finally get back to you?
No, but, uh, I still have Ben Franklin rented for an hour.
BFBen Franklin
Good morrow, sick children. As I so famously said in 1780-something, an apple a day keeps the doctor...
BBarry
I hate this president.
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, everyone had their favorite guitar-shredding rock god. But there's only one musical bad boy who rocked my world. Weird Al.
Dare to be stupid? You know it!
[voiceover] Weird Al made me want to write comedy. The way he'd parody a pop song never ceased to amaze me.
Is that my Cher wig from Halloween?
Darn right. Can I borrow some hair spray? I think I need more body.
[voiceover] Weird Al even inspired me to write my own parody songs.
Good news, bro. I've decided to honor you in song.
You know the Wang Chung song Everybody have fun tonight? Well, I changed all the lyrics to make them all about you.
BBarry
Ah, you've improved the song. Let's hear it.
[singing] Everybody have fun tonight My brother Barry is a wang tonight
BBarry
[singing] Barry's gonna kick your ass tonight
[voiceover] Yep, Weird Al was my comic muse, and I finally had the chance to see him live.
[voiceover] The '80s was the decade of great dance movies, but nothing had the moves or magic of the epic love story "Dirty Dancing." And no one loved it more than Beverly Goldberg.
JCJohnny Castle
[on the big screen at the cinema] Somebody who's taught me...
...That there are people willing to stand up for other people no matter what it costs them. [mimicking] Sit down, Jake.
[voiceover] Unfortunately, my mom dragged me to see it with her... 17 times.
You said we could see "Spaceballs." There's no space or balls in this whole movie.
Hold my hand. Live this with me.
[voiceover] My mom was so obsessed, she even bought a copy for the low price of $89.99.
JCJohnny Castle
[on the TV] Nobody puts Baby in the corner.
My God, his arms are like glistening tree trunks.
And -- woof -- mama like that muffet. [snorts]
[voiceover] "Dirty Dancing" was the only thing that got my mom and sister to get along. For the first time ever, they were, like, friends.
You know, this is actually based on a true story.
I'm pretty sure that's not true.
It's real, and you can't take that away from me.
Wait...maybe it can be! The sucky losers on the school dance committee are still fighting over a theme. We can do a "dirty dancing" dance!
Are you telling me you get to live "dirty dancing," and I could live every moment through you?
That's not what I'm saying at all.
It's decided. We do this dance.
Aw, screw it! Help me plan it.
BBarry
Lame! Sorry, ladies! Truth bomb coming in! This one gonna hurt! "Dirty Dancing" sucks!
No! Don't you ruin this for us!
BBarry
There's only one dance movie in this world that matters -- "footloose"!
BBarry
It has it all -- gymnastics, bros bonding secretly with dance, and a ruggedly handsome outsider who dances into the hearts of a small town.
Please! "Dirty dancing" is at least realistic. A beautiful girl dances into the hearts of a small resort.
BBarry
No. Patrick Swayze can only be a badass roadhouse bouncer, not some tight-pants-wearing mountain dancer.
You are grounded for six weeks! No TV or phone!
BBarry
But I need the phone to talk and the TV to watch television!
BBarry
Fine! You took away my "footloose," I take away your "dirty dancing." [He is about to take away her "Dirty Dancing."]
BBarry
He's a bouncer! No!
BBarry
He is a bouncer! He's a bouncer!
BBarry
This is a nightmare! And you're to blame.
True. And it's going to be the first school dance ever worth going to.
BBarry
No. When will this "dirty dancing" oppression end?! When will everybody cut loose, footloose, lick off your sundae spoons?!
Sweetie, I keep telling you, the song is not about ice cream.
BBarry
You don't know! No one does!
[sitting next to Erica] Hey, pretty pretty. Guess you're gonna be looking for a partner to practice those sensual moves with.
And it's not going to be you.
Come on, I know every single move that swayze does in that movie.
R"Naked" Rob
Ah, good for you.
Actually, I've never seen it, but I will now, and I will dedicate my life to becoming your own personal swayze.
You go full swayze, maybe I'll let you dance near me.
Proximity dance! It's a deal!
Yeah. No deal. [He comes and rips it apart]
There is no way "dirty dancing" will ever be a theme at a school-sanctioned dance.
It's literally got "dirty" in the title, not to mention it's wildly inappropriate.
[voiceover] As Erica was channeling my mom at school, my dad was being schooled by Pops.
Ah, Murray, perfect timing. Come over here, take a seat. [It cuts to Murray showing the dancing album book] I want you to look at that handsome young man and tell me what you see.
Someone who was still able to drop his pants in peace.
No! This is a photo of your first dance, your first act as a married man, and you're not even moving.
I moved plenty that day. I walked down the aisle, I stepped on the glass, I walked back up the aisle. I was a regular Carl Lewis.
Damn it, Murray, when you asked for my daughter's hand, you said you'd do anything you could to make her happy. Does it look like happiness to you?
Ugh. Fine! I'll do one dance, but I'm not moving my lower half.
BBarry
Did someone say "dance instructor"?
No! Where did you even come from?!
BBarry
Come on! It's like "footloose"! You're the dopey farm boy, and I'm Kevin Bacon! Let me be your Bacon!
Don't distract me with bacon. I'm not dancing.
BBarry
Come on! [turning on the music on the boombox; Footloose by Kevin Loggins is playing] Yeah! Feel the beat! There's nothing wrong with two bros bonding over dance.
Barry, this is a delicate situation. You're making it worse!
BBarry
Well, the infectious music of Kenny Loggins will win him over.
It's not winning him over.
BBarry
The human body is literally programmed to love Loggins. He can't say no!
[Adam stops the music]
What if I told you there was a way that you could be a dancing god without ever having to move your body?
BBarry
No! Don't listen to him!
All you got to do is raise your hands over your head.
BBarry
You're gonna listen to this lazy-eyed nerd when you have this at your disposal?
I'm gonna go with Adam's easy thing.
[voiceover] While my dad's plan to dance sank, Erica was ready to rise to the occasion.
Mom, guess what? I actually got Principal Ball to say yes, so the dirty dance is back on.
Well, that is very surprising to me, schmoop-aloo! [chuckling] I can't believe I did it. Uh, you! You did it, not me. I was here. [chuckling again] Mopping.
The dance is back on? That means I can still swayze you.
Let it go, Geoff. I'm not gonna sensually gyrate with you.
If I'm gonna get dirty with anyone, it's gonna be Marc McGonagle.
Erica, I'm begging you. Give me a chance to groove all up on you.
Let our bodies speak without words.
Stop! Nobody's body is speaking to any other bodies. This is just a school dance.
BBarry
Ugh, again with that awful movie.
R"Naked" Rob
Think about it, dude. The school is letting us dirty-dance. They want us to get freaky.
Unh! Ladies' man Cogan bringing it dirty, y'all!
That was not in the movie.
Yeah, we never saw the movie, but the title says it all.
BBarry
Guys, if you're gonna dirty-dance, at least do it right.
[They all practice dirty-dancing]
[voiceover] It was March 16, 1980-something, and my brother went to pick up his girlfriend, Lainey. One problem, he had to get by her dad first.
[Bill lets Barry in]
Lainey! The screamy kid with the crazy eyebrows is here.
BBarry
Special night. It's our 10-month anniversary.
Anniversaries are for years, not months, so you're celebrating nothing. Let me see your wallet.
$6? Where do you plan to take her tonight? A vending machine at a bus station?
BBarry
Oh, it's fine. She usually pays. [chuckles]
[Rock music plays as Lainey comes downstairs to see Barry]
Nope! Absolutely not! [Music stops] Shutting it down. [clears throat]
If that jacket hits the floor tonight, so do you. Okay, kids, have a great time.
[voiceover] Even though Barry had won the love of his life, it was becoming clear he had not won over her dad.
[sighs] Yet. Nothing like a cold one after work, am I right?
BBarry
Amen to that, brother! Love me the old brew ha-ha, nectar of the gods, foam hammer, wheat and greet, little truth water, golden problem solver, beer. Move over, rover. [sitting next to Bill on the couch]
Are you telling me you drink?
You just said you love cold suds. So which is it? Are you a lush or a liar?
I'm gonna grab us a refill, Mur. You want a six pack, Mickey Mantle?
[Bill stands up and grab them a refill]
BBarry
I'm probably being a little paranoid, but it kind of seems like Bill hates my living guts.
BBarry
I don't get it. Mom says I'm literally a human ray of sunshine.
Your mom's a nice lady, but she's done some real damage to you.
BBarry
I need Bill to be my friend. He's like a father to Lainey.
You're the boyfriend. No dad likes the guy who's dating his daughter.
BBarry
So it's not personal. Yes! Top shelf.
BBarry
Okay, got to beat my record.
[voiceover] As I was in way over my head, Barry was trying to make some headway with Bill.
[getting out of his car; laughing] There he is.
BBarry
It's happening. He's changed his mind about me.
Anthony Balsamo, you old son of a gun. [hugging Anthony Balsamo] Where you been? Why don't you come around anymore?
AAnthony
'Cause your beautiful daughter broke up with me.
Ah, women. Who can understand them?
AAnthony
Hey, when am I gonna see you out on the links again?
My buddy and I have a tee time this weekend. You should caddy for me. Keep this duffer on the green. Look out! [laughs]
I hate it when my dad talks golf with my ex. They used to do it all the time when we dated.
BBarry
Your dad like him while you two were dating? I thought he hated me 'cause I'm your boyfriend.
Oh, sweetie, no. My dad hates you as, like, a person. You being my boyfriend is just a happy coincidence.
BBarry
Well, don't worry. I know a man who's got the inside track on your dad, and he'll be more than happy to help me.
BBarry
What is that? Is that a yes or a no?
BBarry
You're mashing yes and no together. Speak clearly in English words.
BBarry
Come on, Dad. You're Bill's best friend. Just talk to him for me.
Talk? We mostly sit in comfortable silence and drink.
BBarry
You never once told him how cool or funny or athletic I am?
You know, it's never come up, and I don't think it ever will.
BBarry
Can you at least tell him how good I am at getting all the shampoo out of my hair in the shower?
BBarry
Did you tell him how I can palm a volleyball?
No, 'cause you can't do it consistently.
BBarry
Tell him how good I am at all-you-can-eat shrimp. That red lobster hates me, tell him.
BBarry
Fine. If you're not gonna tell him about me, at least tell me about him.
All I can tell you is he likes cheesesteaks and the cowboys.
BBarry
That's all you know about him?
Oh! He also likes John Denver.
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
