DaveWelcome to Contempo Casuals. Did you find all the hot styles you were looing for today?
What? Since when do you work here?
Dave
I had no choice. I'm into Columbia House, deep. They send me letters every day. I owe them hundreds.
I told you to read the fine print, Dave Kim.
Dave
Shh! Don't say my name! They have agents everywhere. {pointing at the girl] Look, that girl's checking out the stirrup pants. She's here for me. I don't have your money, man. I'll get it! Just give me time! [crying and running off] I need more time.
[Adam in Duckie from Pretty in Pink comes to see his friends]
TTaz
Whoa. What's with the bolo tie?
I've come to terms that I'm the lovable nerd, like Duckie from Pretty in Pink. And I've decided to embrace it. Wait. Why are you guys wearing hats, too?
TTaz
'Cause I want the cool kids to think I'm a rugged adventurer, like Indiana Jones.
Dave
And I'm hoping this Devo hat lands me a spot in the New Wave crowd.
Gentlemen, high school's gonna rock.
You're all wearing hats like idiots! That's your thing!
Later, hat heads. [chuckles]
High school's gonna suck.
[voiceover] As Erica's plans for senior year were crumbling, my year was shaping up to be epic.
Dave
Dude. Ms. Cinoman just posted the cast list. I'm The Phantom! The lead. Was there any doubt?
No one likes a diva, Dave Kim. Oh, did you see what I got?
A lifetime of pain. Give it up now or be a loser forever.
[excited] Oh, my God! I got Christine!
Whoa, whoa. Hold up! Since when do you do the school musical?
Since it became Phantom of the Opera.
But I thought we shared the same beliefs and core values, mainly that theater was super lame.
It is, except Phantom being the one exception because it's romantic and full of candelabras. [to Adam] And guess what? You're Raoul.
Wait, are you sure it's not the other Adam Goldberg? He's an actor, too.
There's an "F." It's Adam F!
My first big part! Suck it, other Adam Goldberg! Don't tell him I said that. I fear him. But yes!
Yeah, we're like the power couple of the show.
It's acting. Don't make this weird. [to Adam] Yay, Phantom! [squeals lightly]
[Adam and Lainey leave just as JTP turn up]
[sighs] She was supposed to come over and watch me provoke those hornets! Can you believe this?
It's Andrew Lloyd Webber's opus.
What are you talking about?
Haven't you heard the original West End cast recording? Dude.
The Phantom loved Christine so much, he let her go.
Andy: You know, if I were you, I'd be worried about a showmance.
R"Naked" Rob
Oh, for sure.
R"Naked" Rob
It's when people play lovers onstage, and it leads to chemistry offstage, too.
How do you guys know so much about theater?
We saw the musical Hair. We went for the nudity, but stayed for the rich musical tapestry.
You guys are nuts! My super foxy girlfriend and theater dork brother? Yeah, not sweating it.
R"Naked" Rob
Strange 'cause your t-shirt is quite wet.
Yeah you're literally sweating it.
You are! Anyhow, I'm gonna go charge my shirt and pop by rehearsal for the fun of it. [He runs off]
Yeah, it's like a gland issue.
[Meanwhile, Adam is playing a video game just as Barry comes to turn it off]
Time to talk bachelor party, best man. Last night, I taped a movie off Cinemax starring Tom Hanks, that forever changed my life... [He shows Adam a videotape saying "Bachelor Party."] "Bachelor Party."
Dave
My dad said that movie was a raunchy shlockfest that celebrates the lowest form of comedy.
Your dad knows his stuff. It is brilliant, and I want it to be the blueprint for my zany bachelor party.
What exactly do you mean by "zany"?
I'm talking about a giant rager in a hotel suite with sketchy babes, unruly Japanese businessmen, and a beer-guzzling mule that passes out.
Exactly! Everyone's saying I'm just a dumb kid who's stupidly getting married. But this party will prove I'm a dumb adult who's stupidly getting married.
Dave
That logic kind of tracks.
Thank you, Dave Kimberly.
Dave
You think "Kim" is short for "Kimberly"?
I'm certain of it. Get to party planning, boys. No pressure, but my whole marriage depends on it.
Don't worry. I will not rest till I throw you the bachelor party in "Bachelor Party."
[This scene cuts to Adam and Dave watching Bachelor Party on TV]
Dave
You can't throw him this bachelor party in this movie, man. You can't do it.
Dave
There's so much bad language and full-frontal shenanigans.
Dave
Why would boyishly lovable Tom Hanks agree to be in this? He's done. He'll never work again.
Dave
Barry said this marriage hinges on this! What are you gonna do, bro?
I don't know, Dave Kim. I don't know.
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
