Nerd, I need you to make an awesome video for Lainey's dad.
AAdam
Holy balls! My first professional paid gig!
AAdam
Still a professional gig, though.
AAdam
I see it now. We open on a time portal as Mr. Lewis' cold, naked body spills to the Earth. He rises from the smoke like a Love Terminator.
Yeah, no nudity or time travel. Just make Mr. Lewis look cool, you know, macho.
AAdam
We're making a picture! An Adam F. Goldberg joint.
AAdam
There's another Adam Goldberg at school. He's super-sensitive. I don't want to cause any marketplace confusion.
Don't worry about it. No one cares about either of you.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, Philadelphia hosted one of the most legendary charity rock concerts ever assembled: Live Aid, and no one wanted to go more than Big Tasty.
Dad, we need to have an insanely important talk. And if you say, "Go to your mother," there will be serious consequences.
Not listening. Go to your mother.
Okay, you know how all the awesome stuff happens in New York and L.A. and Florida, but never here?
You do know the Philadelphia is the birthplace of our country, right?
Enough with your folk tales, old man! I'm talking about now. [He shows his dad a newspaper saying Live Aid.] It's called Live Aid. The world's biggest rock concert ever is happening here this weekend, and I need your car.
What's wrong with your van?
Doesn't start. I think it needs new spark plugs or gas or something. Point is, give me your keys and wallet. Hurry.
But I presented such a strong case!
This concert's been all over the news. There's gonna be a million morons pouring into the city, each one with bad hair and worse ideas.
But I have the worst ideas! I should be there, too.
No way I'm allowing my car to be driven in that madness. It'll never return.
Do you mean know who's performing at Live Aid?
I don't know, and more importantly, I don't care.
Rick Springfield, REO Speedwagon, the Hooters, Black Sabbath, RUN-D.M.C., Simple Minds, Judas Priest, Led Zeppelin, Bernard Watson, Joan Baez, Four Tops, Billy Ocean, Bryan Adams, Crosby, Stills & Nash, Crosby, Stills, Nash & Young, Neil Young, Bob Dylan, George Thorogood & The Destroyers, most of the Rolling Stones, all of Hall & Oates, Madonna, Phil Collins, Duran Duran, Eddie Kendricks and David Ruffin, Patti LaBelle, The Cars, Kenny Loggins, Tom Petty, and The Heartbreakers, Santana, Pretenders, Ashford & Simpson...
Ashford & Simpson? I'm in!
No! None of these names mean anything to me!
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] As Erica did my dad's dirty work, me and my new pals were having some good, clean fun.
MCMike C. Levy
And that, my friend, is how you use Basic to program a real-body booby.
[pulling the plug out causing the computer to switch off] Scram! Me and this lady are gonna study for health class, with our faces.
MCMike C. Levy
No way! We're allowed to be here at lunch. Mr. Glascott says.
You're a ballsy, little nerd, aren't you? Tell you what, I'm gonna let it slide, but only because there's a broom closet for us right down the hall. Later, nerd losers.
Look at them with their nerd thermoses. Like they're nerd construction workers. [She and Johnny laugh]
[They leave the computer room but are stopped by Beverly]
Excuse me. What did you just say about those nerd losers?
Uh, that they should drink out of their nerd thermoses?
[The scene cuts to Principal Glascott's office]
So, what kind of punishment are we talking about here? Suspension, expulsion, solitary confinement? Do we do that? 'Cause that's what I want.
Yeah. You two can go back to class, and try not to be so accurate with your nerd results next time. [Carla and Johnny are heading back to class] Oh, and stay out of that broom closet. Yeah, that's right. Old Glascott knows what's up!
Why did you let them go? They called my schmoo a nerd.
That's not on them. That's more on your schmoo for being one.
Hey, only I get to call my schmoo a schmoo.
The point is, Adam and his gang of computer dorks don't even eat in the lunchroom. That means they're not even on the social ladder. You've got to do something about this. If you don't help Adam, then you have failed as a mother.
But that is my greatest nightmare. You gotta help me. Please. I told him I'd respect his boundaries. Guide me. It's what you're so good at.
I know you're playing me for a fool, but this fool has low-grade depression. So... I'll bite.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, Stephen King was the master of horror. The man seemed to write a new book every week, and I devoured them all. But my favorite, "Misery," a story about a woman who kept a writer captive till he wrote her the story of her dreams.
Schmoop-a-loop. Don't forget we're going underpants shopping tomorrow.
AAdam
I remember you saying that. I don't remember agreeing to it.
I suppose you're too old for Underoos now?
AAdam
Yes! I'm in a high school! God, this is a nightmare I can't escape from.
[sighs] Guess I'll have to put these in my scrapbook now.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Stephen King made me want to write horror stories, too. I just hadn't found anything horrific to write about.
AAdam
Let me see. What is scary?
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] And if my writer's block weren't bad enough, I had this to deal with, too.
Whoo! That was good for me. Okay, meatloaf burgers in 20. [chuckles] [mumbling] Ohh! [laughs]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Wait. That was it. I already lived in my own Stephen King horror tale, and I was gonna write about the scariest monster of them all...
AAAdult Adam
...my horrifying smother.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] It was November 30, 1980-something, and Erica was planning her winter-semester schedule.
Okay, Pops. I just finished the ultimate slacker schedule. Not that my college applications are in, I can finally, completely give in to my senioritis.
A lot of my friends have that. I-It's not as joyful with them.
First period, I kick things off with study hall, ease into my day. And then it's on the second period, another study hall for naps, and then typing class and then an easy "A" in home EC, and then ceramics and then intro to summer.
It's an independent study I created. You know, there's a science to getting a good base tan.
Well, you outdid yourself. This schedule really does spit in the face of education as we know it.
Got to admit, all this prepping and planning, very mature of you.
[to Murray] You approve of all this?
She's gonna be going to college soon. My job here is done.
Yep. Gonna be phoning it in from now on.
And this has been you not phoning it in.
I've been working my ass off.
[sitting next to Pops] Hey, Boopie. What's with the board?
It's a year of mixing and relaxing with nonstop blow-off classes.
Well, at least you're taking one real class.
Home ec. Running a house is the hardest job in the world.
You know, some people but a man on the moon, and others put parm on a chicken.
Uh, you sound insane right now. Home economics is the cornerstone of civilization.
Or it's a class football players take to make drop cookies.
That's what they're teaching you? How to drop a hunk of batter on a sheet?
When did you get so anti-drop cookie?
They're not gonna teach you how to darn a sock, pepper a ham or bleach an undie?
I'm in the mood for drop cookies.
It's important for you to have the knowledge that your grandmother had and her grandmother had before her.
Yeah, well, I'll hire a maid who has that knowledge. Until then, I have some mixing and relaxing to do.
[Erica leaves]
Will you make me some drop cookies?
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] As Erica's plans for senior year were crumbling, my year was shaping up to be epic.
Dude. Ms. Cinoman just posted the cast list. I'm The Phantom! The lead. Was there any doubt?
AAdam
No one likes a diva, Dave Kim. Oh, did you see what I got?
A lifetime of pain. Give it up now or be a loser forever.
[excited] Oh, my God! I got Christine!
Whoa, whoa. Hold up! Since when do you do the school musical?
Since it became Phantom of the Opera.
But I thought we shared the same beliefs and core values, mainly that theater was super lame.
It is, except Phantom being the one exception because it's romantic and full of candelabras. [to Adam] And guess what? You're Raoul.
AAdam
Wait, are you sure it's not the other Adam Goldberg? He's an actor, too.
There's an "F." It's Adam F!
AAdam
My first big part! Suck it, other Adam Goldberg! Don't tell him I said that. I fear him. But yes!
Yeah, we're like the power couple of the show.
It's acting. Don't make this weird. [to Adam] Yay, Phantom! [squeals lightly]
[Adam and Lainey leave just as JTP turn up]
[sighs] She was supposed to come over and watch me provoke those hornets! Can you believe this?
It's Andrew Lloyd Webber's opus.
What are you talking about?
Haven't you heard the original West End cast recording? Dude.
The Phantom loved Christine so much, he let her go.
Andy: You know, if I were you, I'd be worried about a showmance.
R"Naked" Rob
Oh, for sure.
R"Naked" Rob
It's when people play lovers onstage, and it leads to chemistry offstage, too.
How do you guys know so much about theater?
We saw the musical Hair. We went for the nudity, but stayed for the rich musical tapestry.
You guys are nuts! My super foxy girlfriend and theater dork brother? Yeah, not sweating it.
R"Naked" Rob
Strange 'cause your t-shirt is quite wet.
Yeah you're literally sweating it.
You are! Anyhow, I'm gonna go charge my shirt and pop by rehearsal for the fun of it. [He runs off]
Yeah, it's like a gland issue.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] When you were a kid, cracking open a toy catalog and making your holiday wish list was the most exciting part of the year. But now that I was a ninth-grade man, I wanted something you couldn't find in any store.
Psst! Yo! Goldnerd, Come here. [Adam comes to Johnny] You got the money, I got the hook-up.
AAdam
Let me see it first.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Christmas came early. He had a bootleg copy of the Star Wars Holiday Special.
AAdam
Holy Kenobi! The legend is true!
This is the rarest film in existence. Only aired once in the lame-ass '70s.
AAdam
Give me, give me, give me!
Pleasure doing business. Enjoy your Star Wars. [Adam gives him his pound note and Johnny hands him a video of Star Wars Holiday Special.]
And that is how you perform CPR on a man. Whoa, Mr. Goldberg, what is that you have there? Is that another note?
You know the rule. If you get caught with a note, you have to stand up and read it out loud so that everybody can hear it.
AAdam
[standing up and reading it aloud] "Hey, Adam. Who's your favorite teacher? I know mine's old Glascott. He's hip like us. Dude just gets it. Did you know he's in a funk-fusion band called Funk and Games? I heard he's playing at the farmer's market this weekend." I can't read any more. I'm just gonna eat it. [He is about to eat it]
You can't eat paper! It'll plug you up!
AAdam
My brother. Barry, my handsome and powerful brother, I need your help.
Normally I'd punch you and walk away, but I gotta say I'm intrigued.
AAdam
I joined the tennis team, and I need a doubles partner.
AAdam
And I need your incredible gifts.
AAdam
Since you dominated all sports, I was wondering if you'd help me seek revenge on my best friend on the tennis court.
Well, you're in luck 'cause I know everything there is about tennis because of the coolest player on the planet.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Ah, the Grateful Dead... There were the chillest jam band of the '80s, and wherever they went, their die-hard fans would follow them. Back then, every school had the token Deadhead. Ours was Matt Bradley.
R"Naked" Rob
So talented.
Where you guys been? I was at the Wawa, feeding that stray dog pizza. You missed out big-time. He loves pineapples, like a person.
I eat those, and I'm a person.
Come on. Let's go spit off a bridge.
Actually, I think we'd rather just chill here and watch Matt Bradley jam.
That guy? He's a stupid Deadhead.
So? Their songs are, like, a million hours long, their crazy fans smell like armpits, and all they wear is tie-dye. It's like, pick a color, bro. You can't have them all.
Look past the swirly colors, man. Matt Bradley's a good egg.
We should totally make him a member of the JTP.
No way! It's in our official bylaws that any potential JTP prospect has to bring something new to the group.
R"Naked" Rob
Dude, he's, like, a chick magnet.
He's also, like, super-chill.
I'm super-chill! I will physically hurt your face right now!
At the very least, he's musical.
You want music? Watch and learn. [standing on the table] Attention, adoring fans. Big Tasty is in the house!
[pointing at Johnny] That's right! I do rock. JTP, drop a beat.
Um, Bar, history has proven that you say two good lines and then you freeze up and just repeat them over and over...
[They start beatboxing]
[singing] Check to the one and check to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rapping at you 'Cause I'm checking to the one and I'm checking to the two Big Tasty's on the mic, rapping for you Checkity one and checkity two
He's stuck in a loop again.
[continues singing] And I'm rapping and I'm rapping and I'm rapping at you
[Crowd boos]
And he's gonna get hit in the face in three, two...
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] It was March 8th, 1980-something, and I was doing what I did best, being awesome.
AAdam
[as Robocop] Dead or alive, you're coming with me.
All right, my little Robo-Schmoop, time to clean up your masterpiece so I can lay out mine.
AAdam
But we're about to shoot Pops' big scene.
Adam, is that you? I can't see in this thing!
AAdam
Just take five, Pops.
Finally! I'm schvitzing in this big box!
[Pops accidentally knocks over Adam's video camera]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] What happened next would change my life forever.
AAdam
[slow-motion] Oh... Fudge!
AAAdult Adam
Only, I didn't say "fudge". I said the big one, the granddaddy of bad words, and it was not good.
[Beverly drags Adam and turns the TV off]
You don't even want to know what this little muddy mouth just said. You only get one helping of shrimp Parm tonight. You can have seconds on cheesy garlic bread, but no thirds!
AAdam
It was an accident, okay?
Unacceptable! I mean, where did you even learn such a potty word?
Answer me! Who taught you how to do this stuff?
AAdam
You, all right?! I learned it by watching you! [he walks off]
Wha... What? I have never!
What? I don't talk like that.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] But she did. Bev Bombs were dropped on a daily basis in our home.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] As Matt Bradley was learning the rules of the JTP, my mom was setting up her own rules.
The rules are simple, You curse, you reimburse. One dollar for every swear sworn in this household.
Well, I, for one, think this is a fantastic way to make us the very best people that we can be. And go to the Bahamas and pierce my belly button. Forget I said that.
No one's going to the damn Bahamas.
Bup-bup! That's a dollar in the swear jar, Dad.
She's right, Murray. We have to live by example.
I'm not paying for these morons to go to the Bahamas.
You know, "moron" may not be considered a curse word, but it really does feel like one emotionally.
I'll put 20 bucks in that thing if I can call my moron who's acting like a moron a moron anytime I want.
You know what would teach us a super-valuable lesson? Upping the fee for the big-time swears to 5 bucks a pop.
Yes! Ooh! What a great idea.
AAdam
Oh, balls! It's really not!
AAdam
For balls? But it has so many meanings, only one of which refers to one's nards.
That's $10! Yay! My babies are gonna be angels!
AAdam
What have you done, dragon lady? I've got $7 to my name. I'm already in debt.
Relax. I have a plan. When it comes to swearing, we have self-control. Lucky for us, our mom does not.
AAdam
Oh, my God. You're gonna use the swear jar to scam Mom.
I ran the numbers. We need 723 big swear words. If we can up Mom's swear rate to twice an hour and nail her on some "hells" and "damn its" in between, we're gonna be slurping on strawberry daiquiris in the Bahamas in 13 days.
AAdam
How do we get her to swear more?
Follow my lead. [She goes upstairs to Beverly to see what she has been thinking about] Hey, Mom? I've been thinking about it, and... You're more than a mom. You're also, like... A friend.
That's exactly how I feel! We're like best [bleep]' friends!
Oh. Wow. While I appreciate the enthusiasm, you kind of just dropped a big-money word.
That'll be a fiver. Did I say [BLEEP]? I said it again! Oh! How many [BLEEP] was that? [sighs] Oh, [BLEEP] it. I'll just put in a $20. It's money well-spent for my delicious, talented superstar!
AAdam
Mama! I'm cold, and nothing can keep me warm like your hug! Will you hug me till I'm all roasty and toasty inside?
[BLEEP] [She hugs him and laughs] You are so adorable! [gasps] I'll get my purse. [chuckles]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] As we bankrolled our trip to the Bahamas, my brother was banking on Matt Bradley failing the impossible JTP entrance exam.
Let the trials of the JTP begin.
First up, Smashball. Let's see you hit my unhittable knuckle melon. [He throws the melon just before Matt destroys it with the stick]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] But he destroyed that melon, and every other challenge.
[The scene cuts to them outside at the market]
Slushie chug. No mere mortal can ingest an extra-large...
Done! Aah! My head! But worth it!
R"Naked" Rob
He's immortal.
Riddles and trivia. A body is found in a locked room...
Is the weapon as ice knife?
Damn it!! Next category, busting balls. Came up with three insults for how short Andy is.
Oh. No, we don't have to do...
Andy's so tiny, he uses a sock as a sleeping bag. When Andy plays mini-golf, it's just called "Golf." Did you hear Andy died? He was bungee-jumping off a curb and the dental floss broke.
I feel completely humiliated. This guy's awesome!
Blindfolded Rubik's Cube, which no human can do, which means you'll never be one of us. Go!
Bro, this isn't in the charter.
The charter is a living document, and, lucky for me, it makes it so he'll never be able to...
[He has finished solving the Rubik's Cube] Done!
That means "yes." Cool! So, what are we doing this weekend?
Well, I don't know what you'll be doing, but the O.G. JTP will be seeing the Fat Boys. I'd invite you, but it's sold out.
Why don't we go see the Dead? They're playing at the fairgrounds.
Easy, new guy. The JTP likes their music in rap form or not at all.
Actually, I wouldn't mind switching it up a bit.
Shut up, you tiny, little... Pocket... Man... Face... Damn it, that's hard.
R"Naked" Rob
That's a big thumb-up on the Dead, Matty.
Wait. Barry, don't you own a van? We could turn it into a Dead bus.
No! That's our A-Team van we're taking to the Fat Boys! And, like all other JTP decisions, we're putting this concert to a vote. Who wants to see the Fat Boys tomorrow? That's three votes for Fat Bays.
Why do you count as three?
'Cause don't question it. Now, how many of you want to go see that weird, lame thing I don't want to do? One, two, three... Four?
Grateful Dead, it is. You're gonna love it, JTP.
AAll
[chanting] JTP! JTP! JTP! [chanting continues]
They have four votes. I'll never get to bulldoze my closest friends again! This is a nightmare!
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] It had been a week, and my mom's little swearing problem had gone from bad to worse.
What, did Erica get another solo?
No. Adam wrote "Adam hearts Mama" on his Trapper Keeper. I had no choice. He hearts me.
Damn it! I am slowly paying for a trip to the Bahamas that I don't want to take.
I hate to be that person, but you said "Damn it." That's a buck.
Don't you see what the kids are doing to you? They're using your dirty mouth against you.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] It was at that moment that my mom finally realized she was being played.
Oh, my God! They're fleecing me! It's time to teach them a real lesson.
[Murray wiggles his eyebrows]
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
