Mr Glascott quotes from The Goldbergs

[voiceover] As Erica did my dad's dirty work, me and my new pals were having some good, clean fun.

And that, my friend, is how you use Basic to program a real-body booby.

Whoa! So lifelike.

Johnny

[pulling the plug out causing the computer to switch off] Scram! Me and this lady are gonna study for health class, with our faces.

No way! We're allowed to be here at lunch. Mr. Glascott says.

Johnny

You're a ballsy, little nerd, aren't you? Tell you what, I'm gonna let it slide, but only because there's a broom closet for us right down the hall. Later, nerd losers.

Carla

Look at them with their nerd thermoses. Like they're nerd construction workers. [She and Johnny laugh]

Beverly

Excuse me. What did you just say about those nerd losers?

Carla

Uh, that they should drink out of their nerd thermoses?

Beverly

Glascott's office now!

Beverly

So, what kind of punishment are we talking about here? Suspension, expulsion, solitary confinement? Do we do that? 'Cause that's what I want.

Mr Glascott

Yeah. You two can go back to class, and try not to be so accurate with your nerd results next time. [Carla and Johnny are heading back to class] Oh, and stay out of that broom closet. Yeah, that's right. Old Glascott knows what's up!

Beverly

Why did you let them go? They called my schmoo a nerd.

Mr Glascott

That's not on them. That's more on your schmoo for being one.

Beverly

Hey, only I get to call my schmoo a schmoo.

Mr Glascott

The point is, Adam and his gang of computer dorks don't even eat in the lunchroom. That means they're not even on the social ladder. You've got to do something about this. If you don't help Adam, then you have failed as a mother.

Beverly

But that is my greatest nightmare. You gotta help me. Please. I told him I'd respect his boundaries. Guide me. It's what you're so good at.

Mr Glascott

I know you're playing me for a fool, but this fool has low-grade depression. So... I'll bite.

Mr Glascott

And that is how you perform CPR on a man. Whoa, Mr. Goldberg, what is that you have there? Is that another note?

What? You just...

Mr Glascott

You know the rule. If you get caught with a note, you have to stand up and read it out loud so that everybody can hear it.

[standing up and reading it aloud] "Hey, Adam. Who's your favorite teacher? I know mine's old Glascott. He's hip like us. Dude just gets it. Did you know he's in a funk-fusion band called Funk and Games? I heard he's playing at the farmer's market this weekend." I can't read any more. I'm just gonna eat it. [He is about to eat it]

Mr Glascott

You can't eat paper! It'll plug you up!

Mr Glascott

Okay, everyone, welcome to "The Day After" emergency assembly. First of all, I just want to assure you that everything is gonna be okay.

It will not be okay! There's nowhere to hid in a nuclear winter!

Mr Glascott

Whoa. [chuckles] What Coach means is that there could be a nuclear winter, but it definitely won't happen. Till it does. Does not, because it was just a movie.

That will, for sure, come true.

Mr Glascott

Look, I know a lot of you are scared that the President is gonna snap, push a button, and incinerate us all, but I assure you, it will not happen.

When it does, I'll be safe and snug in my fallout shelter while the rest of you mutants scrounge for cockroaches.

What, you got no argument for that one?

Mr Glascott

No, you're right. That movie has shaken me to my core. I have so many regrets.

You got about a week to fix 'em, Andre.

Mr Glascott

Well, let's start with that one right there. My name is not Andre. I only said it was in college to make myself seem more interesting to the ladies.

Let it out!

Mr Glascott

My name is Jonathan! And I love you, Lunch Lady Bernice! Are you out there?

Mr Glascott

You're probably mashing potatoes. Oh, boy. Okay, this day is a wash.

Everybody go home and hug your loved ones.

Geoff

I know I should be happy to have the day off, but I'm, like, genuinely terrified.

Lainey

Me too. I feel so helpless. I never even got to party in Daytona.