AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] While Barry was happily distracted, I was focused on pulling off the biggest scam ever.
Dude, what are you doing?
AAdam
I had a revelation. Why create one fake name and get 12 tapes, when you can create infinite fake names and get all the tapes?
Are you sure this is a good idea?
AAdam
I've thought of everything, Erica. See, Columbia House has agents everywhere looking to collect their money. But I'll be one step ahead of them with this. Each of my phony identities has elaborately fleshed-out backstories that I've completely committed to memory.
Optimus O'Prime? Really, dude? Whose first name is Optimus?
AAdam
This guy. He's a 41-year-old truck driver who spends his long nights on the road jamming to the soft-rock styling of Chicago.
AAdam
Because I'm praying God, Erica. Meet Dr. Garth Vader Stein. He's got asthma and issues with his son. He's also got an insane love of Hall & Oates.
Well, we all have hobbies.
AAdam
Next, meet Stu Voltron, age 43. He's a divorced vegetarian. The only thing he loves more than animals? Billy Joel.
I think maybe you should pump the brakes on your life of crime.
AAdam
I think you should beat it, narc.
[Doorbell rings]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] As I was in way over my head, Barry was trying to make some headway with Bill.
[getting out of his car; laughing] There he is.
It's happening. He's changed his mind about me.
Anthony Balsamo, you old son of a gun. [hugging Anthony Balsamo] Where you been? Why don't you come around anymore?
AAnthony
'Cause your beautiful daughter broke up with me.
Ah, women. Who can understand them?
AAnthony
Hey, when am I gonna see you out on the links again?
My buddy and I have a tee time this weekend. You should caddy for me. Keep this duffer on the green. Look out! [laughs]
I hate it when my dad talks golf with my ex. They used to do it all the time when we dated.
Your dad like him while you two were dating? I thought he hated me 'cause I'm your boyfriend.
Oh, sweetie, no. My dad hates you as, like, a person. You being my boyfriend is just a happy coincidence.
Well, don't worry. I know a man who's got the inside track on your dad, and he'll be more than happy to help me.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] And so my brother was scheming to win over Bill. Meanwhile, my mom was about to get wise to my scheme.
MMailman
Got a package for Papa Smurfenstein.
I think you've got the wrong address.
MMailman
I suppose that means there's also no Inspector Gadget?
MMailman
John McClaneberg?
MMailman
Hulk Hulkerstein?
MMailman
Jean Claude Van Thunderdome?
MMailman
Let me guess. You have teenagers? Well, one of them's been using a lot of fake names to get free tapes.
Well, I think it's obvious who's responsible. [slamming the door]
Yes, you. Who else would it be?
Kermit D. Fonz? That's got Adam written all over it.
You expect me to believe that Adam did this?
My delicious little snuggle monster?
He's guilty. Tell her you're guilty.
AAdam
Why does she say these things, Mama? I'm just a little boy.
See? He's has an alibi. He's a little boy.
Why do you always blame me for everything? Just open the box and look at the tapes, and you'll see it wasn't me.
[sighs, then opens the box and looks at the tapes] "Weird Al, The songs of Fraggle Rock, The best of Andrew Lloyd Webber." And, finally, "101 farts, volume 2." [She closes the box and puts it back down] Hope it was worth it, Erica. You're grounded for a month. No phone, no crimper.
A month with smooth hair? Are you crazy? [to Adam] Tell her!
AAdam
Okay, fine. It really was me. [stutters] It was such a good deal. I got caught in the heat of the moment. Which is also a song I got for a fraction of a penny.
Shh, you don't have to lie for her anymore.
Let mama make you a banana split. [chuckles] Okay? You get nothing.
AAdam
Oof, tough break. [he hands a tape to Erica] Take Sheila E. For your troubles.
[chucking it away clattering] This is ridiculous. Why do I always get blamed for everything that goes wrong in this house?
AAdam
'Cause you do most of it.
You know, if Mom thinks I'm so bad, maybe it's time to show her how bad I can really be.
[She stands up and leaves Adam]
AAdam
Wait, this was you holding back? Oh, this is not good.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Tired of being labeled the troublemaker, my sister decided to live up to her name.
Wow, yeah, okay. Let's do this. Let's shoplift.
Trust me... It's super fun and easy. And also the only thing that really makes me feel alive. Ooh! Fanny packs.
I mean, how much worse is shoplifting than scamming Columbia house anyway? Getting 12 tapes for a penny is like the same thing as shoplifting.
[whispering] Just a tip... Maybe don't say "shoplifting" so much while you're shoplifting.
Right, gotcha. 'Cause we're not shoplifting, which is, by the way, totally a victimless crime.
I'm hearing a lot of justifying and not a lot of stealing. [opening her jacket showing the stuff] Catch up, girl.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Yep, my sister was ready for a life of crime just as Barry was preparing to steal Bill's heart.
[Bill and Murray arrive to see Barry]
Gentlemen! Thought you might like to load up on some meat and cheese before an active day in the hot sun. You're a fan, right, Bill?
Of Geno's cheesesteaks. You bought Pat's. Why not just punch me in the face?
Aren't they directly across the street from each other with the exact same ingredients?
Go on, punch my face. Do it.
Or we go to the eagles-cowboys game. 50-yard line, root for America's team?
I thought you were a diehard Eagles fan.
Until I discovered the Cowboys, my other favorite team, which happens to be yours.
You're gonna turn on the Eagles just like that? Son, don't you have any spine at all?
No. But you know what I do have? Matching bucket hats!
'Cause you love Bob Denver. You know, Gilligan, from the island.
I don't like Bob Denver. I like John Denver.
Yes, one is folk icon who melts my heart. The other is a scrawny weirdo who couldn't close with Ginger or Mary Ann.
[laughs] I totally know the difference. I'm just busting chops. I just got you this hat so your head won't burn.
No, you have a beautiful head of hair. On the sides. You look like a judge.
Well, it's almost tee time. Come on, Barry. You're gonna come with us today.
Yeah, I invited the boy to join us.
Yeah, Barry and I play golf all the time. It's our thing.
I've never golfed with you, not once.
Moron, I'm doing you a solid. Don't blow this.
[Barry agrees to join them]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] My dad did Barry the rare solid. Now, all Barry had to do was drive it home with Bill.
[clapping his hands] Ah, golf. The sports of kings. And queens, equal rights. [chuckles] I respect your foxy daughter. No, not foxy, she's an uggo to me. Not everyone else. They all think she has an awesome, plump butt.
Okay, we're trying way too hard.
No, don't do that either.
AAnthony
Wild Bill! You need a caddy?
Anthony Balsamo's here? I can't complete with him. He's a total babe.
Relax, you're playing golf with Bill. He's just the caddy.
You're right. He's the caddy, the guy behind the guy. He's the one in Bill's ear whispering sweet advice. That's what I got to do.
Hey, pretty boy. Take a lap, I got this. [He dashes off] Just give me a sec. I'll catch up. [He picks up two golf bags with clubs in them but drops a lot of clubs]
MMailman
Hey, I got a package for Lucky Goldberg. Gonna need your signature.
MMailman
Then I don't know what to do. [Beverly seems to slam the door] Please don't slam the door.
The nerve of that Erica. First she frames her brother, and then she ropes in our sweet little puppy. You're not cut out for a life of crime. You're just a cockapoo.
I mean, it's like that girl doesn't ever hear a word to say.
She's my daughter. How come she refuses to listen to me?
My God, woman. I ordered the damn tapes. I saw Adam do it, and I wanted in.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] With that, my mom finally realized she did blame Erica for everything, even when she was clearly innocent.
AAdam
Uh, Mom? It's for you. Erica's in mall jail.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] And two seconds later, Erica was back to being guilty.
I stole something else, but you're never gonna find it.
DFDoug Fell
Your friend's weird.
[Beverly comes in to see what happened]
[sighs] There you are. Classic Erica. You know, I actually started to think maybe I'd been too hard on you, and then you go and shoplift? And the worst thing is I'm not even surprised.
DFDoug Fell
Actually, your daughter didn't do anything wrong. I was just having her stick around because this one is freaking me out.
It's true. Erica tried to talk me out of it, and I didn't listen. Oh, God, my stomach's in knots. Can I use the bathroom?
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Accusing Erica yet again didn't help matters. Luckily, my mom had a way with words.
So... Honest mistake, you know? Pedicures, my treat?
You know, you made me feel like such a bad person that I actually thought about stealing.
I don't want to hear you're sorry ever again. No matter what I do, you're always gonna expect the worst from me. You have no idea how hard that is coming from you. No idea. [She walks away]
[Off-screen] You'll never catch me, mall hog! I feel so alive!
[Beverly watches Carla run by as Doug Fell follows her]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Even though Bill Lewis was having the round of his life, my brother was having no luck breaking the ice.
Being a caddy sucks. All Bill wants me to do is wash his balls and hold his bag. It's funny but hard work.
I told you not to caddy for him.
[sighs] I messed this whole thing up. I'll never get another shot with Bill.
All right. I'm gonna help you.
Yeah. But this counts as your birthday present. Hey, Bill. Tweaked my shoulder. Barry's gonna finish the round for me.
Gonna use a driver on this one.
You're 60 yards out. Don't use my expensive driver for this chip shot.
Uh-uh-uh. No talking in my backswing. I learned that after I did it to you three times. It was now or never.
[This scene cuts to Barry finishing the round for Murray]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Barry would have to dig down deep inside himself and do the impossible.
[He takes a nice shot but he accidentally throws the driver into the golf pond]
It's okay. I got this. [He goes into the water but it is so cold] Whoa! Way colder than I thought.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] As Barry desperately failed in that murky golf pond, my dad realized the kid really needed a life preserver.
Starting to see why you call him moron so much.
Yeah, well, the thing is he's the sweetest moron you'd ever want to meet. And he loves your daughter, so much that he'd do anything to impress you.
I'm feeling around with my feet. It's mostly old golf balls and something with scales that's not afraid of humans.
Murray: So, please, cut the kid some slack.
Oh! I think I drowned a little. It was a very peaceful feeling. I saw my old gerbil. I'm going back in.
There's my baby. I made you your favorite. Cheeseburger lasagne.
Pass. I don't want to get blamed if you burn it, so I'll just eat a lunchable.
But... Those are for lunch. It's the wrong meal.
AAdam
Wow, you really have failed as a mother.
Hey. I'm the only one allowed to say that.
AAdam
Well, it's true. You punished Erica for something I did, almost turning her to a life of crime. If that ain't failing, I don't know what is.
Oh, you're right. I want to tell her I'm sorry, but she refuses to hear it from me. It dawned on me that I could finally use my crime for good.
AAdam
Maybe there's someone else who can say it.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Thanks to my scam, there was one tape that was worth every penny. And it was the perfect day to say "I'm sorry."
Go away. I'm trying to enjoy my four crackers and ham square.
Look. I don't blame you for acting out after the way I treated you.
I really don't want to talk right now, or ever.
Well, you don't have to because I found a band that'll do it for us.
[Beverly turns the music on the boombox]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Sure, Columbia House drove Erica and my mom far apart, but it would also bring them closer than ever.
[singing] Everybody needs a little time away
[singing] I heard her say I heard her say
Stop doing what you're doing.
[singing] Far away... Far away from their mother
Don't make the words about you.
[singing] Hold me, schmoo.
[singing] It's hard for me to say I'm sorry I just want you to stay
[sniffles; then sings again] After all that we've been through I will make it up to you I promise to And after all that's been said and done
BEBeverly and Erica
[singing] You're just the part of me I can't let go
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] And with the help of one soft-rock band, my mom was truly able to say sorry.
BEBeverly and Erica
[singing] Couldn't stand to be kept away
There he is. You old son of a gun.
Yeah. [to Lainey] Hey, sweetie. Can I have a minute with my caddy?
Be nice. [She just moves herself out of the way so Bill can sit next to him]
Listen. I know I've been hard on you, but there's a reason.
'Cause I'm not awesome like Anthony Balsamo?
[scoffs] No. To tell the truth, I knew those other guys were just a flash in the pan. But what you two have, it's the real deal.
Yeah. It's...scary. I guess I'm not just ready to lose my little girl. But I'm gonna try to be better about it.
[Barry agrees with Bill as Lainey turns back to Barry]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Inspired by the girl they both loved, Bill decided to start a new chapter with Barry. [Barry laughs] As for me, I closed the book on my life of crime.
Not so fun getting grounded for a month, huh?
AAdam
Honestly, it's a relief. I was on a dark road. Farewell, Garth Vader Stein. Nice knowing you.
Don't talk to him, Erica. He's grounded. You know, you could learn a thing or two from your big sister.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] And my mom finally turned a new page with Erica.
Made you a banana split. [to Adam] You get nothing. [She leaves]#
Hey, jailbird. Want to split this?
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Growing up, we're all seen a certain way.
[Barry takes the last shot with the putter and he's finally puts the ball in the hole]
Yes! Mark it down. Octuple-bogey! Whoo!
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] But the people you love always see you for who you really are.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] And that's something worth celebrating.
[The scene cuts to the word "Dedicated to my awesome tape collection"]
AAdam
This is my tapes, my other tapes.
[Then the word appears saying "Cost: 1 Penny" with an arrow pointing at the tape; then "Addressed to: Kermit D. Fonz also appears below]
Welcome to Contempo Casuals. Did you find all the hot styles you were looing for today?
What? Since when do you work here?
I had no choice. I'm into Columbia House, deep. They send me letters every day. I owe them hundreds.
AAdam
I told you to read the fine print, Dave Kim.
Shh! Don't say my name! They have agents everywhere. {pointing at the girl] Look, that girl's checking out the stirrup pants. She's here for me. I don't have your money, man. I'll get it! Just give me time! [crying and running off] I need more time.
[Adam in Duckie from Pretty in Pink comes to see his friends]
TTaz
Whoa. What's with the bolo tie?
AAdam
I've come to terms that I'm the lovable nerd, like Duckie from Pretty in Pink. And I've decided to embrace it. Wait. Why are you guys wearing hats, too?
TTaz
'Cause I want the cool kids to think I'm a rugged adventurer, like Indiana Jones.
And I'm hoping this Devo hat lands me a spot in the New Wave crowd.
AAdam
Gentlemen, high school's gonna rock.
You're all wearing hats like idiots! That's your thing!
Later, hat heads. [chuckles]
AAdam
High school's gonna suck.
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
