I've been thinking, Schmoops. This jar has been so effective at stopping my potty mouth, I figured everyone should have a jar.
I don't know what your angle is here, but I'm gonna have to say... Phbt! Pass.
Oh, sweetie, such attitude. Luckily, now we have this. [She picks up the jar saying "Baditude Jar" and puts it on the table] Dollar, please.
A "Baditude" jar? That's not a thing.
Oh, it is. Every time you lip off, it'll cost you a dollar.
Well, that's incredibly stupid!
[gasps] Baditude! Now it's $2.
AAdam
Just stop giving them baditude!
I don't know how not to! This isn't fair! What about him?
Don't worry. [He picks up the jar saying "Adam Jar" and puts it on the table] Got you covered.
You pay up any time you say any weird stuff about space or robits or space robits.
AAdam
So the Adam jar is just a nerd jar?
AAdam
That's very hurtful!
Hey, your Robit-Cop movie started this whole mess.
AAdam
RoboCop isn't a robot. If anything, he's a cyborg, which falls under the umbrella of android, which means I'll put in a dollar.
See? We're all just using these jars to become better people. By the end, I'll curse less, Erica will be a ray of sunshine, and Adam will be more... Accessible.
AAdam
But we don't have that kind of money. Unless we have some way for us to steal fractions of a penny off every bank transaction, a la Superman III.
AAdam
I can't! It's like the Nothing in the NeverEnding Story. It can't be stopped!
AAdam
I'm like Indy when he drank the black blood of the Kali. I can't help myself!
Don't worry. We'll just take money from my swear jar and put it into yours. The proceeds from your jars will go towards a trip to Colonial Williamsburg!
You think you'll beat us? Well, I'll be an utter delight, and Adam won't even be a little bit nerdy.
AAdam
Yeah! I'll be as cool as the ice planet Hoth.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] And so we were forced to avoid being our usual selves. Meanwhile, Pops was watching TV as Barry forced himself to like the Grateful Dead.
[groans] Stupid Grateful Dead. I've been listening to a bass guitar solo for 20 minutes.
Everyone knows no song can be longer than 10 minutes unless it's The Sugar Hill Gang.
I know what'll make you feel better. What's Happening!!
And I told you... This kid Matt Bradley is trying to take my place as supreme and almighty leader of the JTP.
No, I'm saying What's Happening!!
I'm losing my posse! How are you not getting this?
I get it! I mean... What's Happening!!
I told you what's happening 10 times!
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Much like my mom, who tended to swear, this is what Pops usually said.
[in the past] What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening? What's happening?
Oh! What's Happening!! I love Rerun on these reruns This is a classic. Rerun tries to bootleg a show, and then the Doobie Brothers stop an entire concert when they see Rerun taping them.
Wait a minute. He ruined the concert. That's it! I'll record the Dead concert and get caught.
I'm gonna really ask this time... What's happening?
I'll tell you what's happening. I'm gonna make sure the JTP never see a Dead show again.
Oh, there you are. [She comes to Adam and Erica] Erica, do me a favor and empty the dishwasher.
I would love to do that, Mother.
So nice of you. Also, clean the gutters.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] My mom was playing us just like we played her, and then she pulled out the big guns.
I heard there's a new Star Track movie coming out. We should go see it, huh? Go see Star Track?
AAdam
That is... A title you would say.
And I heard the best thing about the space movie is this one superhero named Hans Olo.
AAdam
No! I got to say it. His name is Han Solo, not Hans. He's a rogue smuggler, not a Danish shoe cobbler.
AAdam
Han Solo is from Star Wars, not Star Trek. And it's Trek, by the way, not "Track"!
Colonial Williamsburg, here we come! Oh, you're gonna look so cute with your [BLEEP] musket.
You swore! I knew that she wouldn't last long. So predictable.
Baditude! Huh! Someone can't keep their [BLEEP] together.
Ha! Who can't keep it together now?
AAdam
This is more twists and turns than the Battle of Endor!
Stop talking, you giant nerd!
Baditude jar! [chuckles] This is too [BLEEP] easy.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] With that, the jar wars were on. Meanwhile, it was all peace and love at the Grateful Dead show.
Dude, this 45-minute song is amazing.
R"Naked" Rob
And everyone's so nice.
Yeah, especially that one guy that invited me to live with him and those 10 other guys over there on that patch of lawn.
Hey, wouldn't it be awesome if we could listen to this concert later? [He opens his jacket revealing the tapes]
Definitely not illegal bootleg equipment that'll allow me to profit after selling them later!
SGSecurity Guard
Hey, pal, you trying to tape the show?
Uh-oh. Uh-oh. Uh-oh! We're gonna have to go, huh?
SGSecurity Guard
For sure. Taping section's way over there. You can go down there.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Unfortunately for my brother, he picked the one band chill enough to let you tape them.
Barry, you're the man. You just scored us better seats.
Why? What kind of band allows you to tape their entire concert? This doesn't make any sense.
Dead are a band of the people. Music's for everyone.
They're so nice. Now I hate them even more! They were supposed to kick us out!
Whoa. So, you wanted to ruin this for us?
I mean, not ruin. I was just...
R"Naked" Rob
Not cool, bro.
Yeah, man. You're, like, a bad friend to the JTP.
Hey! I started this posse. Without me, there is no JTP. [They realize what Barry said] You didn't say "JTP" back.
Matt is right. You're a selfish friend.
R"Naked" Rob
Yeah, and if that's how you want to run the JTP, then we don't want you in it.
Fine. I don't care. I'll start a better, more badass posse without you.
[Geoff, Andy, "Naked" Rob and Matt sadly leave Barry behind]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Since my brother lost control of the JTP, he decided to assemble a better crew... He hoped.
Okay, welcome to my all-new and improved posse. I'm Big Tasty founder and leader. First order of business, we need a name.
No Rush, no Atkins. [He annoyingly stands up and leaves Barry]
Okay, so, our name has to have "Jenkintown" in it. I was thinking the Jenkintown Awesome Group.
DDan
Wait, you want us to be the JAGs?
SSergei
[in Russian accent] This is name for unbearable loser, yes? A jag?
Foreign kid's right. I don't want to be a jag.
DDan
Also, why is there an old man in our super-cool group?
Every group has a life of the party, and that's Pops. I'm our badass leader, Sergei's the funny one. And, of course, we got our wild card, Naked Dan.
DDan
Naked Dan? This is weird. I'm out. [He leaves]
SSergei
Is decided. Naked Sergei!
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] While Barry was realizing what the JTP meant to him, the jar wars had taken on a whole new meaning.
[Clock ticks; Adam and Erica stare at their mom]
You know, I never thought I'd say these words, but the silence is making me crazy. Somebody say something!
Uh-uh! If I say anything, we're gonna end up in Colonial Williams-turd.
Baditude! That's $5. Pay up for comparing our beloved U.S. history to poo-poos. Poo-poos!
All right, enough! I'm putting an end to this once and for all.
Hey, I only made these other jars 'cause you made me realize that they were playing me.
Of course they were. They're awful. That's part of their charm, just like swearing's part of yours.
But Adam was right, he learned it from watching me.
You swear because you care. And I wouldn't want to change that.
And I'm not changing. I'm gonna keep calling them morons because they act like morons.
AAdam
And I can't change the fact saying "Star Track" will always bother me.
And there's, like, zero chance of me changing my crap attitude, 'cause you're all lame.
See? We are who we are. And I love it!
So, we all agree, no more jar wars.
AAdam
"Jar wars" sounds like Star Wars! Oh, God, it felt so good to say.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] With that, the jar wars came to an end. Meanwhile, my brother was hoping for a new beginning with his friends.
Hey. Can I talk to you guys?
[They don't answer]
Come on, guys. Give him a chance.
Thanks, man. I was a jerk, okay? [lifting up his eye mask] Look, the three of you are the first real friends I ever had, and I just didn't want to lose you to someone else and be all alone again.
So, to make it up to you, I bought tickets to the next Dead show. [He hands them the tickets] Hoping maybe I can tag along?
Don't look at me. I'm not the leader.
No one is. We're just... The JTP.
Uh, Bar, these tickets are for Fairmount Park. How are we supposed to get there?
[The scene cuts to the JTP van]
Awesome! This seems like a big move for a band we just got into, but I like it.
[The Grateful Dead's Touch of Grey plays]
Good to have you back, Big Tasty.
It's good to be back, Matt Bradley.
[Barry and Matt agree]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] It was official. The JTP had their newest, chillest member, Matt Bradley. And to this very day, he's still my brother's closest, dearest friend. That's what happens when you open your heart and let someone in.
[Beverly is busy sorting out these jars just as Adam and Erica arrive with his map]
We mapped out the best route to Williamsburg.
AAdam
We took all the money from the swear jars and booked a hotel room.
We thought you deserved a trip. And I say that without any attitude.
[giving them a nice hug] I truly, madly, deeply love you so [BLEEP] much, I can't stand it.
[watches her hugging them] Guess I'm schlepping to Williamsburg. Morons.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] 'Cause in the end, no matter what you go through... If you have your friends and family by your side, you will get by.
[The scene cuts to the word "Dedicated to the Real Matt Bradley"]
AAdam
Will Matthew Bradley come out as a winner today?
[Then the word appears saying "Matt Bradley (The Chill Member of the JTP)" with an arrow pointing at him]
AAdam
He's got a smile. Or will Barry Goldberg be a winner today?
[Then the word also appears saying "Barry Goldberg (Leader of the JTP in his mind)" with an arrow pointing at him]
RBRen Bans
The cream is then agitated by the motion of the stick, creating thick, rich butter. Ma'am, would you like to give it a try?
AAdam
[in his space robot outfit] I'm approaching the natives now. They seem to have a leader.
Dude, no! I told you not to do this.
AAdam
Greetings, Colonial settlers. I have come from the year 2032 to warn you of impending doom.
RBRen Bans
Everyone disregard. Time travel is not part of the tour.
AAdam
Not part of the tour! See, I knew you'd say that. Proving that I'm from the future, where robots have taken over and their power source is pure, thick, rich butter!
I'm starting up the Adam jar again. It's for your own good.
AAdam
One of the female followers is a sad loner with no boyfriend.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] It was April 5th, 1980-something. My sister's senior year was cruising right along, until this happened.
Question... What is this garbage?
Oh, goodie! You got your college interview for Penn State!
Thing is, I didn't schedule it, and I'm not going. Carnegie Mellon is the only school I care about.
Well, you always need a backup. That's why I always bake two pies, in case Murray eats one while sleepwalking.
Mom, if I don't get into CMU, then I'm just gonna skip college to busk on the street like a true artist.
So, what am I supposed to tell people? "Oh, there's my daughter, singing next to a hobo who's going pishy on another hobo." Penn State is amazing! That place made your father everything he is today.
Bevy. I lost another hot dog.
What? Why does this keep happening?
I guess 'cause my, uh, gesturing hand is also my hot-dog-holding hand.
I think my point here is proven.
Murray, your daughter thinks she's too good to go to her Penn State interview.
Let's get something straight, little missy. Graduating from Penn State is the greatest accomplishment of my life.
Too bad, Dad. I'm going to Carnegie Mellon.
You are going to Penn State. It is cheaper, it's more affordable, and it costs less!
That's the same thing said three different ways!
Well, if it's good enough for me, it's good enough for you.
Okay, fine. I guess I didn't realize how important this was to you. I promise to take my Penn State interview seriously.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] By "seriously", my sister meant "intentionally tank" her Penn State interview.
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] As my dad decided his new hobby was saving money, Barry was coming up with a plan to save our butts.
There it is, gentlemen, the answer to all our problems.
Easy. We steal Cecil the janitor's golf cart and replace the one we sunk. It's the perfect crime.
R"Naked" Rob
But then Cecil has no cart.
Way ahead of you. We then steal another golf cart from the different country club to replace Cecil's.
But then wouldn't the second golf course be missing their cart?
Which is why we steal and replace golf carts several times a day for the rest of our natural lives.
Isn't that a Ponzi scheme, bro?
Fonzie has nothing to do with this, Matthew. He drives a motorcycle.
Not a Fonzie scheme, dude, Ponzi. And that's exactly what it is.
Not at all. All we got to do is swipe hundreds, if not thousands, of golf carts to keep our scam alive until we grow old and our children take our place!
[to Adam] You really need to go to your sister about this.
AAdam
On my way. [rushing off to see Erica]
[Adam returns back home and sees Barry]
Hey, Ad-Rock! Good news. I wrote another verse to help you get back with Jackie.
AAdam
Dude, everything's fine with us now. Please don't sing for me.
Just let it happen, or he'll never leave you alone.
[singing] Dear Jackie, I love you like no other But you know who's really awesome? Barry, my brother Black belt in karate, girls think he's a hottie It's like how much can you fit in one body? He's a god on Earth, an academic wiz To be Barry is divine, my words, not his I wish I could do what Big Tasty can But I'm only Adam, forever your man
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
Girls, I must confess
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
Barry really is the best
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
To know him, we are blessed
EGErica, Geoff and Lainey
He's a man, he's a man, he's a man
Barry is the man
I wrote that song for you, girl. Copyright Big Tasty Records. [drops the microphone and the microphone feedback]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] Back in the '80s, the biggest night for any bride, besides the wedding, was the bachelorette party. Lashes were curled, hair was crimped, sashes were sashed... All to make it a night that the bride-to-be would never forget.
Guys, it's so sweet you went to all this trouble for me.
Really? 'Cause you said if we didn't, you'd "never forgive us."
VEValley Erica
And then you said, "If you're going to go to the trouble, do everything I say."
We totally went all-out. I even packed us a naughty bag of bachelorette nastiness. [She shows Erica and Lainey her purple bag] Check it out, girlfriend.
[Taking the purple bag from Lainey] Oh, n-n-n-never!
Bar, you need to chill. All we're doing is going for a little fondue and a lot of karaoke.
Where there's music, there's dancing. Will there be dancing in a group setting? Someone tell me.
VEValley Erica
What's happening?
As bridesmaids, you are totally obligated to form a protective dance wall around the bride-to-be.
I thought our job was to, like, catch the bouquet and hook up with a random hot cousin.
Wrong! Now, everyone fall into anti-grinding formation. Let's practice. Hey, I'm a local townie looking for a good grind. Uh-oh. They're playing "Safety Dance." But this is not safe.
Honestly, it's going to be fine.
Then you leave me no choice. Attention! I shall throw my own wild bachelor party.
You should. You're never gonna do better anyway.
Agreed. Time to go tell my best man to plan a gnarly bachelor party and also pick my best man. [He goes downstairs to see Adam] Adam, it's recently come to my attention that I need a best man, and I've made my choice.
AAdam
Naked Rob, right? He's the heart and soul of the JTP.
No, dummy. It's you, 'cause you're my brother and you mean that stupid world to me.
Stop. Don't make this all weird and tearful.
AAdam
I-I just can't help it. It's just such a wonderful moment for us.
No! Don't you dare feel deep emotion, 'cause then I'll feel it, too!
AAdam
I just... I have a brother who loves me so much.
It's true. We gotta do man stuff fast. We can battle on my official "Over the Top" arm-wrestling table. I'm gonna break all the little bones in your little bird hand.
AAdam
Do it. Right now. Be Stallone. Go over the top and pin my arm.
Oh, no! Now we're just holding hands and staring into each other's teary eyes.
AAdam
Your fingers are so gently entangled in mine.
It's like you're my missing puzzle piece!
AAdam
I don't know where I stop and where you begin!
No! If you cry tears of love, then I'll cry tears of love.
Oh, no! I hear crying. I've got my first-aid kit. What's wrong?
AAdam
Barry asked me to be his best man!
I need to hug you both as tight as I can right now.
[They tearfully give each other a hug]
AAAdult Adam
[voiceover] It was December 5th, 1980-something, and my mom was dropping us off at school in my dad's crappy old car. At least, she was trying to.
CMCoach Mellor
Goldbergs, you're up. Unlock and unload.
Mwah, mwah. Go. Be the amazing, delicious boys I birthed you to be.
[trying to unlock the door] Damn it! You know this door doesn't open from the inside. You gotta get out and open it.
CMCoach Mellor
Goldberg, Goldfarb, let's hurry it up.
Damn it, just get out on Adam's side.
AAdam
[trying to open the door] The door's bungee-d shut 'cause Dad slammed it too hard after the Eagles lost.
[getting out of Murray's car] Oh, poop!
CMCoach Mellor
No, you don't get out. They get out.
If I don't get out, they can't get out. I'm sorry. I had to take Murray's car today.
CMCoach Mellor
I don't need your backstory, Norman Mailer. Just get 'em out.
[She accidentally breaks the car door handle] Damn it, Murray!
CMCoach Mellor
All right, we got a two-minute limit. You're gonna have to circle back around. Next!
I am not getting back in that line. Look at how long it is.
CMCoach Mellor
It's that long because of you!
Boys, just climb out the window. Go, go, go! [Adam and Barry climb out the window] Oh, Schmoopie, no! Don't go headfirst!
AAdam
I gotta see when I'm landing on. I don't want to get a gravel rash.
CMCoach Mellor
All right, this circus act is unacceptable.
AAdam
Oh, no! My glasses!
CMCoach Mellor
Forget 'em. You got four other senses.
Wait. My Toaster Strudel.
It's fine. I'll just "Dukes of Hazzard" it.
Oh, Barry, no. Do not "Dukes of Hazzard" the window.
Too late! [runs towards the car but he is hit]
The Goldbergs · 125 quotes
