[Granddad looks at the menu and sees the extremely high prices for snacks.]
[He looks at the Receptionist.]
GGranddad
Large, freshly-popped popcorn, please, and lots of butter.
[The receptionist gives him his popcorn.]
RReceptionist
(uninterestedly) Anything else?
GGranddad
I asked for butter on it.
RReceptionist
Butter's over there.
[Cut to a very poorly maintained condiment station.]
GGranddad
I don't wanna put the butter on it. Why can't you do it?
RReceptionist
You're supposed to put the butter on it.
GGranddad
I don't wanna put the butter on it! I already paid twenty dollars for this bullshit popcorn. I will not demean myself by putting butter on popcorn!
RReceptionist
(still monotone) Why? It's really easy.
GGranddad
Why? Because I don't work at the movie theater! That's why!
RReceptionist
You're supposed to put the butter on it.
GGranddad
...If I go to Burger King, and order a cheeseburger, THEY DON'T MAKE ME PUT THE CHEESE ON IT, DO THEY GODDAMMIT!?
(leaving Huey and Jazmine at the movie theater after watching Soul Plane 2)
Heh, heh. That was great, Granddad. Boy I wish we could've seen the end of that movie.
GGranddad
I don't know. I feel bad for leaving Huey and what's-her-name.
They knew the risks, so they might do a little time. We'll see them when they get out.
GGranddad
Ahhh, it doesn't seem right. I'm going back and turning myself in.
Turn yourself?--man--Granddad, look, come on. I mean, I love Huey. almost like a brother, but what's done is done. We've got to let go of the past! If he don't come back, can I have his side of the room?
(Granddad walks away)
Ah, come on, Granddad! You supposed to be setting a better example!
GGranddad
What happened to the movie theater? Y'all should be ashamed! How come when I order a soda-pop, I get an empty cup? I didn't ask for an empty cup! I asked for a soda-pop! And what asshole started puttin' commercials in movies? I could go home and watch commercials on the TV! And the bathroom stinks; clean the fuckin' bathroom! I'm not gonna take it anymore! I paid too much money for these movie tickets to butter my own motherfuckin' popcorn! It's only popcorn!
[Granddad screams loud enough so that the whole movie theatre can hear him.]
Well, I've been standin' at the ticket window all day, and I don't remember you buyin' a ticket, Robert Freeman.
GGranddad
Well, I...uh, bought my tickets online...
AHA! A damn lie! I ain't never met a nigga smart enough to operate a personal computer! Not even a Macintosh!
(smiling wickedly while playing video games) I say toss her groupie ass out the window and let that hoe star gaze from outside.
Now Riley, There's never a place for violence in a relationship.
(laughing) There just seemed to be a place at the restaurant last night! She made you look like a bitch in front of Usher!
GGranddad
Boy, hush your mouth!
(To the side) Probably started out charitable. She took you in and was probably teaching you how to read.
But granddad, she did made Mr. Dubois look like a bitch.
GGranddad
Yeah, we all know she made him look a bitch. But find a different way to say it.
Next thing you know you're rubbing against that silky white skin...
But I don't know the non-curse way to say he got "bitched"!
Humiliated, Castrated, Emasculated...
All right! I get the point.
I mean, I can see if was a real nigga. If you lost your hoe to T.I. I'd be like "Yo, that's T.I." But Usher?! (laughs) You better check that ho Mr. Dubois!
GGranddad
Hey Tom? Tom? Get down here.
(walks into living room) Uh, what's going on guys?
Uh, Mr. Dubois, My name is A Pimp Named Slickback, and this sir, is an intervention.
Your friends have reason to believe that you are suffering from chronic Bitch Dependency Mr. Dubois. May I call you Tom?
(looks around room) Is this some kind of joke?
Tom, Bitch Dependency is no laughing matter. Addiction to a bitch can fuck with your friends, your health, and scary enough, even you money. It's a disease Tom.
Wait, what did you say your name was, again?
Well thank you for asking, my name is A Pimp Named Slickback.
(interrupting) --Named Slickback, yes. Please say the whole thing, if you would. Yes, that includes the "A Pimp Named" part. Yes, Tom, every time.
Look Mr. A Pimp Named Slickback--
(interrupting again) --No need for the "Mister".
I-I don't think I need any help from (scoffs) someone like you.
And by (scoffs) 'someone like me', you mean a pimp, a bad guy?
Now look, I'm not trying to insult you, I just don't approve of what you people do to women.
(jeering) Ooooh! So I'm wrong! So I'm messed up! We'll which one of us is the one missing a bitch, Tom? You don't see me running around lookin' for a bitch! I know where all of my bitches are, thank you very much! (dials number) Bitch where you at?! (ho speaks) I'm out here, gettin' yo money! (Slickback retorts) That's what the hell I thought, thank you grandma! (to Tom) Now look at you! Bitchless! Sans bitch, as the French in France would say!
(visibly annoyed) I've had enough! I'm going back upstairs!
GGranddad
Tom! Tom, when we first let you stay here, we thought it was only gonna be temporary. But damn! Tom, I just don't see any end in sight!
It's only been two days--.
GGranddad
(interrupting) --Nigga, hush! You're living under my roof now. If you stay here, you're going to get some help.
You know what? I know a great therapist. I'll make an appointment today!
GGranddad
(slowly)That, also would have been a good idea but, we've already paid Mr. A Pimp Named Slickback a retainer of 2,500 dollars.
Robert, you shouldn't have.
GGranddad
With your credit card!
IInterrogator
Now you listen here you little bitch. I'm gonna ask you some real simple questions and I want some real simple answers. Now you pulled into the garage and went into the house at 9.15?
GGranddad
Yes, I believe, if I'm not mistaken. It was 9.15!
IInterrogator
So you pulled into the garage and went into the house at 9.15?
GGranddad
Ye-N..Nine. Yes, I looked at my watch and yes. Unhuh unhuh, 9.15.
IInterrogator
So you're telling me definitely that you pulled into the garage and went into the house at 8.15?
GGranddad
Yyyyees. That's- I believe it was 8.15. Definitely.
IInterrogator
Hmmmm. Let me see. You know you just fucked up, right?
GGranddad
No! I said... No! I said, I pulled into the garage at duh-
IInterrogator
(laughing) You know you just fucked up, right!
GGranddad
No! I said... Wait a minute!
*After Huey helped him to get on Myspace* So she's on my friends list?
Yep, she's your very first cyber friend, and your her 3,000,000th
Yaaaa boy, I love technology!
(narrating) My granddad had recently discovered online dating
You should post more pics, ho's love pictures Grandad
I'm starting to feel like Shamar Moore up in here, Hoo! Boy lets get some music on, turn on the Mypod lets get on the ISpace
(We then see clips of Grandpa taking pictures of himself in various poses)
What outfit you want next Grandad?
The leather vest, the one with the rhinestones (Huey walks in)
Grandad, I.... (stopped because of the shock of seeing his grandad taking a picture of his butt) I can come back
Boy, get over here and take this picture, now whats wrong with you? why the long face?
I had a bad dream about....
Talk and shoot at the same time boy. (Riley walks in carrying two Michael Jackson jackets)
Grandad! you want "Beat It" or "Thriller"?
Hmmmm, that's a tough one, take them back, go get my purple speedo
Purple speedo? that's gay
All right boy, so you had a bad dream
It was a really bad dream about...
(In the closet) I don't see the purple one
GGranddad
Did you check the speedo drawer? Go ahead boy, bad dream and....?
It was about Stinkmeaner (Riley returns with a leopard-print speedo)
Leopard-print's all I could find
GGranddad
Aww man (changes underwear in front of Huey and Riley, who runs out of the room throwing up) damn these things are tight, what about Stinkmeaner?
He was in hell, and he was coming back to get us
GGranddad
Stinkmeaner? don't be crazy
Stinkmeaner? you mean that old man Granddad killed for no reason?
GGranddad
No reason? that man was a psycho, he almost killed your grandaddy
He was blind, you killed a blind old man
GGranddad
Col. Stinkmeaner was a menace, and i sent him to hell where he belongs
(Chuckles) Yeah, Grandad real tough with the handicap, he probably gonna beat up some retarded kids next.
GGranddad
Yeah, this retarded man is gone whoop your little ass that's what he's gonna do... wait...you know what I meant..what were we talkin about? Ohh yeah your dream, look boy, Stinkmeaner aint comin back, he cant hurt you, me, or any of us ok...now lets get one more picture.
GGranddad
(typing) Well, I'm in the studio with Snoop Doggy Dogg and Tha Pound tonight but how 'bout tomorrow cutie pie?
(Possessed Tom chopping a hole in the bathroom door)
GGranddad
Aaah! What the?! Who's out there?! Boys! Boys! Help me!
I'M BAAAAAAACK, NYUGGAAAAA! HAHAHAHAHA!
GGranddad
OH, WHAT THE HELL?! OH LORDY LORD, LORDY LORD! AHHHHHHHHHH!
GGranddad
What the fuck is wrong with you!? Tom! Oh lordy Lord! What the hell! Tom! What’s going on? Tom! Go away! I'm gonna call the police!
I'm gone get that old ass!
(In Huey and Riley's bedroom)
Man I can't hear nothin over granddad's gay ass music, look out, new message aww man its a old dude with his shirt off wait! That's granddad ewww, he in the bathroom, probably just ran out of toilet paper again and I ain't getting it for him neither, nope.
Why would he send a message from...
GGranddad
WHAT THE HELL! Tom! hats goin on! oh my goodness! Tom! What's goin here!? Oh help me son! Help me!
(Granddad narrowly escaping from Possessed Tom while stumbling in his speedo)
GGranddad
Oh my goodness! Some black people are crazy!
Oh yeah, Here comes the Pain (Throw a axe at Granddad but fall down the stairs before being sliced)
GGranddad
Goodness gracious! The life! (Pull up his speedo) Tom, what's wrong with you? You on that stuff? Snap out of it, Tom. Cocaine is a hell of a drug!
You don't remember ME? You don't remember my name?! (He then proceeds to punch Granddad in the face.)
What's my name, nyugga? (Tom does a low spin kick to Granddad's face.)
"AAAAH" ain't my name. My mama didn't name me "AAAAH". What's my name, nyugga?! WHAT'S MY NAME?!
DING-DING-DING-DING! THAT'S RIGHT, NYUGGA!
I don't know how you got here, Stinkmeaner, but you're going back to Hell!
Oh yeah! I'm goin’ back, and I'm takin' ya’ll with me in the first-class cabin on the Ass-Whuppin' Express! All aboard! WHOO WHOO!
Robert Freeman! You up there, you bitch nigga! Where are you Robert?
GSGranddad's Date
With all of the woman in my culture...
Come here and fight like a man, you fat-ass nigga!
GSGranddad's Date
Who's that?
(muffled) I know you can hear me, Robert! I know you hear me! I will not be ignored! I'm right up here!
Ain't this a bitch? Got a possessed nigga up here, and Granddad's worried about his date!
(breaks free from the handcuff on his right arm) Ah-hah! Get off me! You've got a date Robert? Did you tell her you have two sets of genitals! A vagina and a coochie! Oh, that's a conjunction! A vagina and a coochie!
GSGranddad's Date
What is going on?
GGranddad
Oh, th-that? that's just the television. Eh, boys, turn the television down!
This ain't no TV show, nigga! This is real talk, nigga!
GSGranddad's Date
Uhh! My friends warned me that there were weirdoes on MySpace!
GGranddad
Wait! No! That's just the TV!
GSGranddad's Date
It's not the fact that you obviously have a man possessed by an evil spirit, strapped to a bed upstairs!
GSGranddad's Date
No. It's the fact that you lied about it!
You could invite them over for dinner and get to know them...
GGranddad
Yeah, I... guess I could do that...
(Dream sequence)
(The Freemans are sitting, dressed up, at a candle-lit Sunday dinner. Suddenly, the door bursts open and Lethal Interjection barges in.)
Wazhappenin' nigga? Alright nigga, where da chicken wings and donuts at?!
(kicks over a chair, yelling) What the fuck you got to EAT in this bitch, NIGGA?!!!?!?
(Dream sequence ends)
GGranddad
Uh-ummm! THAT shit ain't happenin'.
GGranddad
You don't know where I came from! I'm from a small town called Whup-A-Rebel's-Little-Narrow-Country-Ass, and you-HEY! Put that camera back over here! I ain't finished my damn line! Ya'll makin' me homesick! There, now stick that up yo' ass!
(The next three lines are said at the same time.)
Eat a dick, old man! You faggot-ass, punk-ass, pussy-ass nigga!
Eat it, foo'! Eat a dick, old muthafucka! Matter of fact, eat a sack of baby dicks, muthafucka!
Fuck you, bitch-ass old man! No one likes you anyway, muthafucka!
(Granddad and Thugnificent, apparently reconciling, shake hands and hug. The press applauds)
GGranddad
(quietly, sourly) You still gonna pay for my lawn.
(quietly, venomously) Eat a dick, old nigga.
LLuna
(About the Kumite, a martial arts tournament) Good times. Yeah, good times.
The Kumite (martial arts noise) is supposed to be death match, right?
LLuna
Hey, everybody has to die sometime.
(Luna eats her meal, while a flashback continues again)
(In the flashback, Luna is dominating the fight against her opponent)
(Luna rips out the oversized heart of her huge opponent at a fighting tournament)
AAnnouncer
(his announcement displayed onscreen as he says it) LUNA WINS...FATALITY!
(Flashback ends)
LLuna
I mean I'm like, you kill one man, you kill a dozen. It's all the the same. I mean they can only hang ya once, right? (laughs) Am I right or am I right? (laughs) C'mon now, you're leaving me hanging!
(Huey, Riley and Granddad stare at Luna, obviously terrified)
GHGranddad, Huey and Riley
WE HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM!
GGranddad
(quietly) *Gasps* Move it! Move it! Move! Move! Hurry! Get on! Hurry Up!
(Luna looks surprised at their sudden departure)
(Huey, Riley, and Granddad retreat to the bathroom)
Thanks for inviting a killer kung-fu wolf bitch to the crib, Granddad!
GGranddad
You think I knew she was a killer kung-fu wolf bitch!? She didn't say nothing about no damn Kumitie, Kumitoo, Kumite (kung-fu noise) Koom, black coon, now y'all just hush! And try to figure out what we gon' do. Huey, what we gon' do?
You gon' tell her to get the hell out!
GGranddad
I'm not gonna tell her to leave! She might hit me with one of them exploding nutsack techniques!
Oh, come on, Grandad. She's not a kung fu master, she's crazy!
Shit! Then you go kick her ass out!
But this is your respondiblity!
Hey, I'm willing to say in the bathroom all night!
The Boondocks · 205 quotes
