Mrs. Wolowitz quotes from The Big Bang Theory

[as Howard is unlocking the front door] Who's there!? Are you a sex criminal!?

Howard

Sex criminals don't have keys, Ma! [goes inside]

Where were you so late!?

Howard

I was out with Bernadette!

I know what that means! I watch Dr. Phil! [short pause] I hope to God you used a condom!

Howard

I'm not having this conversation with you, Ma!

God forbid you get one of those new fancy sex diseases!

Howard

Nobody has a disease!

I hope not! I share a toilet with you! Is that what you want!? To give your mother herbies!?

Howard

That's it! I don't have to take this! [comes back outside, yelling at the front door] And good luck with your eyebrows in the morning!

Who's there!? Are you a sex criminal!?

Howard

[going back inside] Still leaving; I just forgot my Claritin!

Howard

Hey, what's up?

Is that my future daughter-in-law, the doctor?

Howard

No mom, it's Raj!

He's a doctor too, right?

Howard

Yes.

Like Leonard and that skinny weirdo?

Yes, everyone is a doctor but me.

And whose fault is that?

Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.

LOUDER!

Bernadette

They all got ordained! They're all going to marry us! It's adorable! You want to hear it come closer!

Please, guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills… my heart… it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.

Penny

All right. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.

Leonard

Hmm.

Penny

Problem?

Leonard

No.

Sheldon

I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.

Penny

Oh, grow up.

Leonard

I didn't say it.

Amy

That's enough from the both of you!

Penny

Well, he started it.

Amy

Well, I'm ending it! Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also wanted you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.

Leonard

Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.

Sheldon

Would you like some aloe vera? Cause you just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette. {Klingon}.

Bernadette

Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!

Sheldon

Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.

I believe you two have prepared vows.

Bernadette

Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.

Howard

Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.

SPEAK UP.

Howard

From now on she's the only one that can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.

By the power invested in us by the state of California...

Sheldon

..and the Klingon High Council...

..we now pronounce you husband and wife.