Before I met you, I was a mousy wallflower. But look at me now. I'm like some kind of downtown hipster party girl! With a posse, a boyfriend, and a new lace bra that hooks in the front of all things!
S5 E17The Rothman Disintegration
Alright, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins. Any questions? [Sheldon raises his hand] Yes, Sheldon?
Five what?
S5 E18The Werewolf Transformation
[sitting on Sheldon's spot, starts to move when she sees him] Hey, sorry Sheldon, I'll move.
[does not seem bothered by Penny] Why? My spot, your spot, what difference does it make?
[Penny and Leonard frown at him]
Okay, what just happened?
I don't know... Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer, and Sheldon being okay with you sitting in his spot... I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug and changed the course of human events.
All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.
Penny, you're not trained, you're not licensed, and most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.
All right, honey, look. We've known each other for a long time now, right? I've taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick, you've even seen me naked once.
I'm sorry, what?
It's a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing. Please let me cut your hair.
Amy, what do you think?
There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.
Leonard, it's 3:00 in the morning! I don't care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt!
Where are you going?
Wherever the music takes me, kitten. [Plays bongos] 🎵 I play bongos walking down the stairs 🎵 [Falls down the stairs] Oh! Oh! [Brief pause] 🎵 Never play bongos walking down the stairs 🎵
S5 E19The Weekend Vortex
RRaj
Hey, wanna spend some time playing the new Star Wars game this weekend?
Uh, I don't know. I kind of promised myself I'd get off the computer, be more physically active, get some exercise.
You're about to walk up three flights of stairs.
Good point. I'm in!
I always thought if I were enslaved, it would be by an advanced species from another planet. Not some hotsie-totsie from Glendale.
S5 E20The Transporter Malfunction
[Penny just gave Leonard and Sheldon each a vintage Star Trek transporter toy]
Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr. Spock action figure!
Oh, that's great, let's open it up and put him in there!
[Leonard and Sheldon recoil and cradle the boxes defensively]
Oh, good lord, no!
Why? They're just toys.
Mint in box!
C'mon, can't we open one up and take a look?
[Leonard and Sheldon recoil again]
No! Once you open the box it loses its value.
Yeah, yeah, my mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. I gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.
[ Sheldon is talking to his Spock action figure in a dream, about accidentally breaking Leonard's transporter toy]
What's the problem with it? I have my transporter swapped in Leonard's box, and now he won't know that his is broken. Everyone's happy.
SSpock
I'm not happy.
But I thought where you come from, they don't have emotions.
SSpock
I come from a factory in Taiwan.
S5 E21The Hawking Excitation
Professor Hawking, it's an honor and a privilege to meet you, sir.
SHStephen Hawking
I know.
I want to thank you for taking time to see me.
SStephen
My pleasure. I enjoyed reading your paper very much. You clearly have a brilliant mind.
I know.
SStephen
Your thesis that the Higgs boson is a black hole accelerating backwards through time is fascinating.
Thank you. It just... it came to me one morning in the shower.
SStephen
That's nice. Too bad it's wrong.
[twitching] What do you mean wrong?
SStephen
You made an arithmetic mistake on page two. It was quite the boner.
No, no... that can't be right. [looking through paper] I... I don't make arithmetic mistakes.
SStephen
Are you saying I do?
Oh, no, no, of course not. It just, I was thinking... Oh, gosh, golly. I made a boo-boo, and I gave it to Stephen Hawking.
[Sheldon faints dead away]
SStephen
Great, another fainter.
[about Stephen Hawking] He's a famous physicist.
Hang on, I know. He's the wheelchair-dude who invented time.
Close enough.
S5 E22The Stag Convergence
So, I hear you and the Lost Boys are having a Bachelor Party tonight.
Yeah, just going to a restaurant. Get some steaks, some Scotch. You've nothing to worry about.
Why should I worry?
I don't know, it's a bachelor party. There could be strippers. Won't that make you a little jealous?
Come on Leonard. It's you. What's gonna happen? I mean, even if there was a stripper, all you'd do is avoid eye contact and maybe offer to help her kid with his homework.
RRaj
Anybody else? Huh? No? Okay! It all comes down to me, as the best man. [Stands up] Ooo, this grasshopper's kicking my ass-hopper. Okay okay, when I first came to this country, I, I didn't know how to behave, or how to dress, or what was school, I was pretty lonely. But, then I met Howard and suddenly my life changed, because, we could be lonely together. This man became my whole world!
KKripke
Yeah, nice speech Francine! [Tucks some cash into his pants]
RRaj
I'm not done but, thank you! I think back, to all the good times we had, like uh, when we went camping, and spent that night telling each other all our secrets.... I told him, I'm addicted to pedicures, and he told me he lost his virginity to his cousin. [Everybody laughs]
She was my second cousin.
And the first woman you ever disappointed sexually. Bada-bazinga!
RRaj
Oh, oh yeah, and then there was a time when Leonard and I took Howard to Las Vegas and, and paid a hooker to pretend she was Jewish, and that she wanted his little Kosher pickle. [Everybody laughs again] Of all the Howard-humping-hooker stories, that was my favorite!
Okay, buddy! That's it. Sit down.
RRaj
Oh, oh, what about that tubby girl in the Sailor Moon costume at Comic-con?
Don't remember. Please sit down.
RRaj
The only threesome I've ever had in my whole life. And I'm proud to say it was with this man, right here! '[Everybody laughs]
Please, shut up.
RRaj
Oh, oh, don't get me wrong. Nothing happened with me and Howard. There was about, 200 pounds of Sailor Moon between us!
Oh Internet, this is SO going all over you!.
[Laughs] Jeepers, I'm drunk! [Clinks his glass with Wheaton's]
S5 E23The Launch Acceleration
Well, that's it. My orders have been rescinded. I am officially no-go to space.
I'm sorry, Howard. But I gotta tell you, I'm a little relieved you're not going.
Why?
Come on, you were gonna go up in a rocket designed in the 1960s by the Russians.
Yeah, so?
When was the last time you were at Best Buy and you heard someone say, "Ooh, check out this Blu-Ray player, it must be good, it was built in Russia"?
These quotes come from Wikiquote's The Big Bang Theory pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.