You know, I’m growing to like American football.
PennyYeah, it’s fun, isn't it?
Well, it’s not the balls-to-the-wall action of badminton or cricket, but hey, what is?
Penny
All right, who’s ready for another beer?
Penny
Girls.
Oh, I’m having the nicest time. You guys are like family to me. You know that, right?
Penny and I have some issues we need to talk about.
Oh pish on your issues. You guys are fine. Yes, you hit some bumps along the way. I mean, Penny, you’ve always known how this man has felt about you, but you made him grovel for affection.
Penny
Okay, hold on…
Now, don’t blame yourself. He was a groveler from way back. But the point is, the two of you got past it. And, Leonard, you go and propose to this poor girl in the middle of sex? That was some weak tea, dude.
Some people might say it was romantic.
Yeah, no. But yet, here you two are, still together. And that’s even after you and I had our crazy naked night.
Penny
That’s enough.
I’m just saying that after everything you've been through, you get to look into each other’s eyes and say “I love you.” And that’s beautiful. [Penny looks sideways guiltily]
Actually, to this day, she’s never really said it.
Oh, Penny! That’s ridiculous. You know you love him. You, you look him in the eyes and you say it.
Penny
Raj!
Oh come on, you know you want to say it. Say it. Say you love him. Say it!
[Raj is ejected from the apartment]
I really thought she would say it.
[Knock, knock, knock on the wall above Penny's bed] Penny? [Knock, knock, knock] Penny? [Knock, knock, knock] Penny? [Penny wakes up and screams. Sheldon also screams]
Penny
Oh, my God, Sheldon?!
Penny
What are you doing in my bedroom?
Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn't hear it.
Penny
How did you even get in, you weirdo?
Yeah, really? I've seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it, it’s weird?
Penny
What do you want, Sheldon?
Oh, I was having a little trouble sleeping and I just thought, uh, seeing as you’re up, we could talk.
Penny
Talk about what?
Oh, I don’t know, uh, weather, uh, fish you could do carpentry with, why Leonard is such an attractive and desirable boyfriend? Yeah, pick one, your choice.
Penny
Sheldon.
Did you know that Leonard has a perfect driving record and enjoys the insurance discounts that go along with that? Hubba-hubba.
Penny
Okay, go home, crazy man.
Yeah. Did you know that while Leonard is not considered a tall fellow in our country, in today’s North Korea, he’s downright average. Hey, talk about a keeper.
Penny
Okay, what did Amy tell you?
Oh, very well. I can’t keep up this clever charade any longer. She told me that you were thinking of ending it with Leonard.
Penny
Okay, you listen to me. I think it’s really sweet you’re trying to protect your friend, but this is none of your business. Got it?
Excuse me. This is not about protecting my friend. I’m a big fan of homeostasis. Do you know what that is?
Penny
Of course not!
Homeostasis refers to a system’s ability to regulate its internal environment and maintain a constant condition of properties like temperature or pH.
Penny
Worst bedtime story ever!
My point is, I don’t like when things change. So, regardless of your feelings, I would like you to continue dating Leonard. And also, while we’re on the subject, you recently changed your shampoo. I’m not comfortable with the new scent. Please stop this madness and go back to green apple.
Penny
Okay, honey, I have a lot to figure out, and until I do, you are not to say a word to Leonard. Do you understand?
I do. You clear on the shampoo issue?
Penny
Get out.
[Turns to go, then stops] Penny?
Penny
What?
...Please don’t hurt my friend.
Penny
[Sighs] That is the last thing I want to do.
[turns to leave, but turns back] Coconut, what were you thinking? Are you a hula girl now?
[arriving with Alex] Oh, good, Leonard, you’re here. Science news. This will interest you. And, Penny, feel free to paint your nails.
I believe Alex may have unearthed the grade school science project that could be my ticket to the Nobel Prize. Behold.
Magnets: What Do They Stick To? If the answer is metal, it’s not exactly groundbreaking.
The original title was “A Re-derivation of Maxwell’s Equations Regarding Electromagnetism”" I dumbed it down because some of the more religious people in town were starting to say I was a witch.
Sheldon thinks the approach in this paper might change the way we calculate ferromagnetic hysteresis.
Penny
Oh, it’s about time. I hated the old way. Hi. I’m Penny.
Alex. Uh, do you work with Dr. Hofstadter?
Penny
In a way. We've kind of been involved in a five-year experiment.
Oh. Well, you’re lucky. He seems very talented. And I’m sure a lot of people want to work with him.
Penny
Well, a lot of people can’t. Uh, hey.
Penny
My limbic system wants to take your pants off.
Notice people on your own time. We’re working.
[Penny, Amy, Leonard and Sheldon kneel around the coffee table, each has a blueberry pie before them]
Penny
Alright, standard State Fair pie eating contest rules are no hands, first one to clean the pan wins.
On the count of 3. 1... 2...
Wait. I'm a little concerned. Blueberries are rich in antioxidants.
So with all those antioxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?
Sheldon, we haven't won a game all night. Now you either stick your face in that pie or I'm gonna stick that pie in your face!
1... 2... 3... EAT! [all four dive in face first then Howard arrives]
Hey guys, guess who's back from space!
AFAll four
NOT NOW! [Howard leaves]
Oh! Ow! Blueberry in my nose! Blueberry in my nose!
Snort it down and keep eating!
[handing Penny a folder] Before you look, do you about the story of the Shoemaker and the elves?
Penny
Elves? Leonard, it's too early for Lord of the Rings.
No, see, there's this shoemaker, and when he goes to sleep, these elves come out and make these amazing shoes for him. And when he wakes up, he would so happy, not mad at the elves at all. Here you go.
Penny
[reading the paper's headline] "The Effects of Slavery in the Old South, 1602-1865". What the hell is this?
Don't ask me, a little elf did it.
Penny
Hey. Shouldn't you be out with your gang spray painting equations on the side of buildings?
Penny
I just can't believe you don't trust me.
Penny
Then why did you embarrass me in front of my friend who, by the way, knew exactly who you were.
Penny
Your picture's on my refrigerator!
Oh. You know, I'm really starting to not like this guy.
Penny
What is your problem? Do you use up all your thinking at work and then have none left over for when you get home?
I don't know. It's hard sometimes. Everywhere you go, guys hit on you, even if I'm standing right there. And they're all taller than me. WHY IS EVERYONE TALLER THAN ME? You know what, this is all in my head. It's my problem, not yours.
Penny
Leonard. Why do you always do this? Listen to me. You are the one I'm with. You know I love you. So would you please relax because you are driving me crazy!
[pause] You know that's the first time you said that you love me.
Penny
[stunned] Yeah.
We're supposed to pretend it's not a big deal?
Penny
That's … exactly what we're going to do because you're about to make me cry and we both know that if I start crying, you're going to start crying.
Penny
Fine! [Runs down stairs]
[Enters apartment] She loves me.
I’m really sorry that they took Sheldon’s spot away. He shouldn't have to suffer just because Howard’s such a big deal now.
I know. Sheldon should just let Howard have his little moment in the sun.
What’s that supposed to mean?
Well, Howard’s never going to space again, but Sheldon will always be a genius.
You’re right. And I’m sure Sheldon will get a fancy parking spot again if and when he makes a worthwhile contribution to science.
Penny
All right. Maybe we should change the subject. Amy, how are your lady parts? Still chilly down there?
Hang on. Hey. None of Sheldon’s theories have ever been definitively proven. My husband actually went to outer space.
That’s an impressive accomplishment. He’s now an inspiration to millions of Americans who now know you don’t have to be special or even qualified to go into space.
Penny
You know, I remember the first time I got a bikini wax. My..my sister did it with melted Crayolas and duct tape. [Laughs] It’s a bad idea.
Gosh, Amy, I’m sensing a little hostility. Is it maybe because like Sheldon’s work, your sex life is also theoretical?
Penny
Damn.
Well, at least when we do make love, Sheldon won’t be thinking about his MOTHER! And yes, that’s a cleverly veiled reference to Howard’s lifelong obsession to crawl back into her spacious womb.
Penny
Anyway, to this day, I still can’t see a box of crayons without crossing my legs.
I don’t have to take this. I’m going to go home and have sex with my husband right now! Maybe I’ll let him do it to me in a parking spot; which sounds dirty, but I didn't mean it that way!
Oh, before I forget, Saturday I’m planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.
Penny
Really? That’s how you’re gonna spend your Saturday night?
Oh, come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play anymore.
Penny
Oh, you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?
[Penny answers the door. Leonard is playing his cello outside.]
[singing, to the tune of Mary Had a Little Lamb] I’m sorry Alex hit on me, hit on me, hit on me. I’m sorry Alex hit on me, I’d no idea I’m cute.
Penny
Oh, damn it, you are.
Please forgive me. I should have told you about Alex.
Penny
I don’t care about Alex. Fine, I care. Okay, I hate that bitch. But what really hurt is that you liked it so much. I mean, do I need to be worried?
Penny
Because, she is pretty and smart, and when you talk about work, she doesn't have to go home and look up words in the dictionary to understand what you said.
Penny
[pause] No.
Hang on. Are you feeling insecure? Because that’s my thing, and if you take it away, I don’t know what I’m bringing to this relationship.
Penny
Yes, Leonard, I am insecure. Happy?
Penny
Why are you smiling?
I’m sorry. I just never think of you having feelings like that.
Penny
Well, I do.
Why? Nothing is ever going to happen between me and Alex.
Penny
Good.
Come here. Tell you a secret?
Penny
What’s that?
With all these women chasing me, I kind of do feel like Captain Kirk.
Penny
Can I tell you a secret?
Penny
Keep talking about Captain Kirk, and we’re all gonna stop.
Penny
So, hey, I was thinking about that stuff with Alex.
Oh, would you stop worrying about that?
Penny
I can’t help it. But, look, I figured I could sit around and feel insecure, or I could do something about it. So I got a course catalogue at school and looked at some of the science classes.
Penny
No, it isn’t, they are extremely boring. I mean, how do you not kill yourself, like, every day? Anyway, I decided I don’t need to be a scientist, I could just look like one. So I bought these.
Glasses? I really don’t think that’s gonna change… oh, my God, you look so smart and hot.
Penny
I know, right? Watch this. Molecules.
Penny
Where are we going?
To my bedroom, so I can take everything off but those glasses. And maybe the boots.
[Penny, Amy and Bernadette enter the Comic Book Store. Everyone inside stares at them in shock]
[nervous] Why are they staring?
Who cares, just soak it in. Hello boys!
Oh, hey! [To the staring men] Can you please stop staring, they're just girls. It's nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.
Penny
Hey Stuart.
W-what brings you guys here?
We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.
Oh, well, I recommend you don't open a store and sell them.
Penny
... No, we were just wondering why the guys like this stuff so much, so we thought we'd give it a try.
Oh, o-okay, well, what do you think you might be into? Superhero? Fantasy? Graphic novels? Manga? [sees his customers are staring at them again] I swear, I will turn a hose on you!
What kind of comics do the guys like?
Umm... A little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
All right, well, who's the best superhero?
[panicking] SSHH! You can't ask a question like that in here! You trying to start a rumble!?
Penny
Sheldon, can I ask you a question?
Penny
You ever gonna sleep with Amy?
[Leonard and Sheldon just stare at her]
[a little scared] We don't ask Sheldon things like that.
Penny
Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?
Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling.
Penny
All right, come on. Be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?
All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?
Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy.
Penny
Then what's the problem?
Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others—handshaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would've been unthinkable.
Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.
Penny
Okay, hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might...actually get physical?
[long pause] It's a possibility.
Penny
[silently, grabbing Leonard's shoulder] Oh, my God! Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.
You know what. That was pretty crappy of you. All I wanted to do was give you a great night and it’s like you went out of your way to destroy it.
Penny
Yep. I know. I’m a total bitch.
Penny
Well, I am.
Well. Fine you win. You’re a bitch. Why couldn't we just have a nice time?
Penny
I don’t know. Maybe because things are going so well between us lately and I’ve been really happy.
Okay. You’re going to have to make a lot more sense than that.
Penny
Obviously I have some commitment issues.
Glaringly obvious. Go on.
Penny
As long as things keep going great between us, you’ll keep asking me to marry you and eventually I’m going to end saying yes then we’re going to be married forever and the whole thing just freaks me out.
Okay. I know I propose a lot so how about this. I promise I will never ask you to marry me again.
Penny
What? What do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?
No. No, no, no, no, no. But if someday you decide to you want to get married, you have to propose to me.
Penny
Really?
Yes. All on you. But I got to tell you when the time comes I want the whole nine yards. I want you down on one knee, flowers, I want to be swept off my feet.
Penny
You got it.
And I’m cool with surprises, but nothing on the jumbo-tron. I don’t to cry on a big screen like that.
Penny
Okay. You know what, this might be the wine talking, but I have a very important question to ask you.
Penny
Leonard Hofstader.
Penny
Would you be my valentine?
Sorry, maybe next year. I’m just kidding. Romance ninja! Let’s have sex! Wo-ah!
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
