[Penny is performing on stage in A Streetcar Named Desire as Blanche DuBois]
PennyYou love her very much. Don't you?
Penny
You think you have great capacity for devotion. You'll be lonely when she passes on, won't you? I understand about it.
She is, but when do we get to the part about the streetcars?
Penny
When I was a very young girl. When I was sixteen years old I made the discovery. Love. All at once much, much too completely. Like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something had always been half a shadow. That's how it struck the world for me. Then I was unlucky to lose it.
How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress she can't remember "no tomato" on my hamburger?
Thanks again for letting me drag girls' night.
Penny
Are you kidding? You brought fancy wine and made fondue. I've slept with guys for less. [Everyone stares at her.] It's a joke! Based on real events.
Anyway I was hoping I could pick your brains a little. I'm supposed to take Lucy out Friday and I need a killer first date.
Well, evolutionary biology says that women are attracted to a man who is steady in the face of danger So I recommend an unsafe environment. A seedy bar on the wrong side of the tracks. Picnic near a lunatic asylum. A wine tasting on skid row.
Lucy has some social anxiety issues. Maybe we could start with something simpler.
Why don't you take her to Disneyland? You can go on Space Mountain; you're in the dark, she's holding onto you.
Penny
Yeah, you just have to remember that that ride is shorter then you think. And they take a picture at the end so make sure you have all your clothes back on. [Everyone stares at her] It's a joke!! ...Based on real events.
What are you guys doing here?
When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad’s letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
It’s simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.
Penny
We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.
Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don’t tell you which one it is, you will forever be in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
Penny
Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not do it.
Okay. It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Farsides’ card, the one where the frog has his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it’s a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
It was a map, leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-Eyed Willy.
Nice try. That’s the plot for Goonies.
You didn’t know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.
Or that’s complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.
Penny
It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said he was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.
I would like to change mine. The pirate’s name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it’s completely different from Goonies.
OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.
Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift. [Howard gets up and walks away]. You okay?
So? Which one do you think it is, matey?
Actually I don’t want to know. I want all of them to be true.
That is pretty cool. Thank you guys.
Uh, Penny, I, I have a couple of questions about your closet. Is there any reason you’re keeping this dead goldfish? [He takes a dead fish out of the bag]
Penny
Damn, I forgot to feed him... And that I had him!
Well, now, did you also have a dog? Because I found what appears to be a battery-operated chew toy [He searches inside the bag].
Penny
[with a loud yell of embarrassment] Party’s over! Party’s over!
Penny
So who do you have to smooze to get this deal?
I'm not going to smooze anyone. I'm going to let my work speak for itself.
Penny
That's great. That takes a lot of integrity.
I'm a naive idiot, right?
Penny
Oh good, you heard me. Raj Screw it I'm going in! Sheldon No No. That was what I said to Raj's mother last night.
Penny
So I was thinking about how excited you get about stuff like Buffy or science or which TV remote you and Sheldon should buy.
The Harmony one was fine. We didn't need to upgrade to the 1100 which he knows is too big for my hand.
Penny
You see that’s the kind of passion I didn't think I had. But then I realize I’m passionate about you.
Ahh, my cute little tushie strikes again
Penny
Well I’m serious. Look I always had these plans to be in the movies, to live this glamorous life and anything else in my life just wasn't worth getting excited about.
Well, those things can still happen.
Penny
Oh, obviously it’s going to happen. A psychic at a bachelorette party told me so. Anyway what I meant was I shouldn't wait. You know, I got you. I got Sheldon. These wonderful friends. My life is exciting right now.
Penny
It is, isn't it?
So does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and then go to Comic Con.
Penny
Leonard, I had an epiphany; not a stroke.
Ah well. When we were going through security I got pulled out of line for a pat-down. The TSA agent got a little handsy. I may have broken her nose with my elbow.
Long story short, she’s now on the no-fly list and we might have been followed here by a drone.
I’m sorry. I feel like such an idiot.
Penny
Oh, it’s not so bad. You lost money, you feel shame and you got groped by a stranger. That’s Vegas. You nailed it.
Anyway, Stephen Hawking’s team is looking into that and I’ve been invited to join them.
Penny
Wow Hawking, good for you!
Well it is. Just...you know I’d be gone for a while.
Penny
For how long.
Penny
Whoa. When would you leave?
Penny
Wow. OK. Well, I’ll just come visit you.
That’s the thing. You can’t. I’ll be on a ship in the North Sea.
Penny
On a ship? Aren’t they afraid Hawking will just roll overboard?
He’s not going to be there. He’s just sending a team to research his theory.
Penny
Oh sure. Like when you send me to kill spiders in your bathtub. Well, OK. Four months.
Yeah, I’m a little worried because things between us have been so great. And I’d hate to do anything to screw that up.
Penny
Oh, sweetie. If you’re going to do anything to screw things up, it’s going to be while you’re here, not while you’re away.
Penny
Are you OK?
Penny
I’m so sorry.
No, it’s my fault. I finally find somebody who is right for me and I drove her away.
Penny
Oh. Raj.
Penny, I miss her already.
Penny
I known how you feel. I miss Leonard too
What is wrong with me? Why can’t I ever have love?
Penny
You will.
Penny
That’s just the booze talking.
No, no. I haven’t had a drink since last night.
[Both realized what he said and look shocked]
Penny
You're talking to me.
Penny
Ahh!
Now I’m crying for a whole different reason.
Penny
Me too!
Welcome to the exciting world of 3-D chess.
Penny
Why don't you admit you only want to play this game because you always play with Leonard and you miss him?
You over estimate his significance in my life.
Penny
Mmm.
Do I miss how he makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup? No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don't think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code? [Knocks his answer in Morse Code].
Penny
OK, I get it. I get it. You’re an emotionless robot.
OK, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.
Should we just do couples?
Couples sounds great or we could mix things up maybe pick teams out of a hat. Whatever.
Penny
Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Why don’t you just admit you don’t want to be on a team with me?
I just said couples sound great.
Penny
Hm-mm. Yea. You don’t think I’m smart enough. You just think I’m going to be a liability. Even though I totally just used liability correctly in a sentence.
[Amy nods at her.]
No, let’s do couples. I want to.
Penny
Oh no, no. Let’s mix things up. I choose Sheldon and we’re going to kick your ass.
Really? The only time I ever get picked first for the team and I’m stuck with the liability.
Stop that. Penny is not a liability.
Penny
Thank you. Do you want me to be on my team?
Maybe we pick names out of a hat?
Penny
Oh, good. Check it out. The Disappointing Child by Beverly Hofstadter.
You bought my Mom’s book?
Penny
Yes. It’s on the recommended reading list for my psychology class.
Oh. Come on. Not that book. It got like every horrible story from my childhood in it.
Penny
Oh cool. Are there pictures?
Seriously, please find another book.
Penny
Oh come on. How bad could it be?
The next chapter’s about the potty training. Bed wetting. Masturbation. Basically if something came out of me, she wrote about it. You know, do whatever you want, just don’t talk to me about it.
Penny
Not even the chapter on the breast feeding crisis?
It was not a crisis. Apparently I favored the left one. She got a little lopsided.
Penny
Oh my God. You still go left.
My God, that’s the girl that broke Rajesh’s heart.
Penny
I don’t know why, but I always pictured her as Indian.
I think that reason's called racism.
Penny
I’m going to talk to her.
Why? What are you going to say?
Penny
I’m not going to say anything. I’m just want to check her out. She hurt my friend. My Indian friend. Who’s racist now?
You. Because you just called him your Indian friend.
Penny
Yeah, well, you’re short.
We’re never getting our drinks.
Penny
Hi. Can I start off with something to drink?
LLucy
Oh, water would be great.
Penny
Okay. Um, you’re Lucy, right? I’m a friend of Rajesh Koothrappali. You see, Amy recognized you.
LLucy
Wow, how’s he doing?
Penny
Oh, you know. He’s good.
Penny
Yeah. This is none of my business, but why did you break up with him in an email?
LLucy
Um, I don’t know. I guess I thought it would be easier.
Penny
Yea, I get that. I’ll go get you your water. When you say easier, you mean easier for you, right? Cause it certainly didn’t make it easier for him.
LLucy
Any chance I can get a different waitress?
Penny
I’m sorry, it’s rude of me. I will get you that water. See, see, see, see. Just now, you expressed your feelings to my face. How come you can do that with me and not with Raj?
LLucy
I don’t know your email.
Penny
You know what the worst part is? You’re sitting here perfectly happy and he’s at home a blubbering mess.
LLucy
I thought you said he was OK.
Penny
Well, I also said I was getting your water, but look at me. Still standing here. You know, maybe I’m a bad waitress, but you’re a bad person. Now, you want to hear the special?
Penny
Sheldon you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I spent one in Vegas.
Penny
Yeah. Back when I was dating Zack. Actually it was more fun than I thought. We gambled, went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels. We had a really good turkey dinner which was surprising since we were at a strip club.
What? You went to a chapel?
Penny
Yeah.
Penny
We had one those silly fake weddings.
Penny, you know those are real. Right?
Penny
No, they’re not. [Laughing it off]
Penny
[Looking worried] No, they’re not.
Penny
[quietly] It didn’t seem real.
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
