[Penny is trying to explain Raj's naïvete to Emily with Howard translating into sign language]
PennyRaj is naïve. He hasn't dated a whole lot of women. [Howard gets distracted by two women at the reception desk behind them] and I'm concerned that, without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him, by letting him buy you lots of expensive things and I…[realizes that Howard hasn't been translating] Howard! Focus. Tell her what I'm saying.
Right. [signing] Are you a gold digger or not?
[Penny turns to him in shock. Emily is outraged and begins signing furiously]
[translating hastily] Oh, uh, something, something. Who the something do you think you are? Mind your own something business and go something yourself.
I don't understand. What difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party?
Penny
Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy.
Mortal enemy? Sheldon, I know you're a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but you really have a mortal enemy?
In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?
I can stop pretending that some beautiful girl and her cute-in-the-right-light friend want to hang out with me.
Penny
Yeah, we feel awful.
Don't. I'm be okay. You're not the first girls I thought were friends with me who ended up shunning me. It's like elementary school, junior high, high school, undergrad, grad school, and that semester abroad in Norway all over again.
Penny
Oh, come on, Amy.
You don't get it. [holding a piece of brain] Look at this brain.
Penny
[getting sick] I don't really want to.
This is us. Bernadette, you're the analytical, scientific left hemisphere. Penny, you're the creative, spontaneous right hemisphere. And where's Amy? [Lays the brain on a tray, picks up a tumor with a knife and holds it up] She's right here--the sad little tumor no one wants to go dress shopping with.
Amy, you're not a tumor. Penny, tell her she's not a tumor.
[Penny is throwing up in a garbage can]
Penny
[Talking about screenplay writer in bar] No, I'm talking to him because he's cute.
Come on, he's not that cute.
Penny
Yes he is, with his dorky t-shirt and his little hipster glasses.
[long pause] I wear dorky t-shirts and glasses.
Penny
Yeah, but when you're tall and have great cheekbones, you're doing it ironically.
Jewelry? Seriously? Sheldon, you are the most shallow, self-centered person I have ever met. Do you really think that another transparent manip...[pulls out of the bag...] Ohhhhhh, it's a tiara! A tiara! I have a tiara! [Rushes to Penny] Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me. Put it on me.
Penny
[placing it on Amy's head] You look beautiful!
OF COURSE I DO! I'M A PRINCESS AND THIS IS MY TIARA!
[She excitedly kisses Sheldon]
[to Penny] You're right, the tiara was too much.
So, uh, do they have a name for a first date with someone you used to go out with?
Penny
Oh, that's a good question. How about "awkward'?
That sounds right. [pauses] Hey, how about if we pretend we're actually on a first date? See how that goes.
Penny Okay.
So, Polly, tell me about yourself.
Penny It's Penny.
Oh sorry, yeah, awkward...
Penny
[laughs] Okay let's see, I'm from Nebraska, and ever since I was little girl I dreamed of moving to LA and becoming a movie star, anyway, after four years of acting lessons and waiting tables, I've done a hemorrhoid commercial and a production of Anne Frank above the bowling alley. So, you know, dreams do come true! Your turn!
Ah, let's see, I am an experimental physicist at CalTech. Most of my research is with high-powered lasers and, oh, I've just gotten a big government grant to see if they can be used to knock out incoming ballistic missiles.
Penny Wow! Can they?
Oh, God no! [Penny laughs] The money's pretty good, and I use the equipment to make my own Bat Signal.
Penny
[laughs] Bat Signal? What are you, some kind of nerd?
Not "some kind of nerd", I am the king of nerds!
Penny
[laughs] What does that mean?
Uh, it means, if anyone displeases me, I don't help them set up their printer.
Penny
[laughs] You are so funny!
Good! Remember that when I take my shirt off.
Penny
That was a really nice dinner. I'm glad you asked me out again.
Penny
You see me all the time. Are you sure you just don't miss the sex?
Well, yeah. Sex with you is pretty great. Have you ever tried it?
Penny
I have. You are... not wrong. [pauses] I just think if we're gonna try dating again, we should take things slow.
Oh, I can take it slow. Have I ever told you about my first girlfriend in high school, Karen Berberick? To this day, she doesn't know we were going out. Made it easier on her when I broke things off.
Penny
Okay, well maybe not THAT slow.
How about this? Are you familiar with the typical development for computer software?
Penny
Yup, just for fun, let's say I'm not.
Before an application is released, they give it a trial run. We could do that. If we hit a rough spot, instead of getting mad, let's say, hey, we found a bug and report it so it can be fixed.
Penny
You mean like a Beta test?
Technically, this would be an Alpha test. A Beta test requires the people that weren't involved in the development of the app...
Penny
Seriously, do I not get credit for knowing Beta test?
Penny
[sitting on Sheldon's spot, starts to move when she sees him] Hey, sorry Sheldon, I'll move.
[does not seem bothered by Penny] Why? My spot, your spot, what difference does it make?
[Penny and Leonard frown at him]
Penny
Okay, what just happened?
I don't know... Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer, and Sheldon being okay with you sitting in his spot... I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug and changed the course of human events.
Penny
All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.
Penny, you're not trained, you're not licensed, and most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.
Penny
All right, honey, look. We've known each other for a long time now, right? I've taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick, you've even seen me naked once.
Penny
It's a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing. Please let me cut your hair.
There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.
[Penny just gave Leonard and Sheldon each a vintage Star Trek transporter toy]
Look, it was actually designed for my vintage Mr. Spock action figure!
Penny
Oh, that's great, let's open it up and put him in there!
[Leonard and Sheldon recoil and cradle the boxes defensively]
Penny
Why? They're just toys.
Penny
C'mon, can't we open one up and take a look?
[Leonard and Sheldon recoil again]
No! Once you open the box it loses its value.
Penny
Yeah, yeah, my mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. I gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.
Penny
So, I hear you and the Lost Boys are having a Bachelor Party tonight.
Yeah, just going to a restaurant. Get some steaks, some Scotch. You've nothing to worry about.
Penny
Why should I worry?
I don't know, it's a bachelor party. There could be strippers. Won't that make you a little jealous?
Penny
Come on Leonard. It's you. What's gonna happen? I mean, even if there was a stripper, all you'd do is avoid eye contact and maybe offer to help her kid with his homework.
Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
They all got ordained! They're all going to marry us! It's adorable! You want to hear it come closer!
Please, guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills… my heart… it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.
Penny
All right. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
Penny
Problem?
I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
Penny
Oh, grow up.
That's enough from the both of you!
Penny
Well, he started it.
Well, I'm ending it! Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also wanted you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Would you like some aloe vera? Cause you just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette. {Klingon}.
Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!
Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may you find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
I believe you two have prepared vows.
Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
From now on she's the only one that can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.
MMinisters
By the power invested in us by the state of California...
..and the Klingon High Council...
MMinisters
..we now pronounce you husband and wife.
[All watching Howard's launch on TV]
[Bernadette instinctively grabs Raj's hand]
Penny
I can't believe it. This whole time, a small part of me thought he was lying.
[She grabs Leonard's hand]
Boldly go, Howard Wolowitz.
[He grabs Amy's hand which surprises Amy]
[from inside the rocket as it lifts off] Oy vay!
The Big Bang Theory · 597 quotes
