[as Fez comes into the room and sits down] Still not speaking to me, huh?
[puts his book down, annoyed] Fine, I'll speak. I spend all day running your bald, grumpy ass around town. And do I get a thanks?! No. Because you're unpleasant!
...You wanna know why I'm unpleasant? I just had a heart attack, and now I have to be driven around like a useless dope by the idiot that married my daughter and gave me the heart attack in the first place! [stands up, causing Fez to jump back] But I am also unpleasant because I just spent the entire day cooped up in the car, breathing that mustard gas you call "cologne!" But mostly I'm unpleasant, because that's how it works in this family!
[gets choked up]...I'm family?
[after fixing the lawnmower] Mom, Dad, come quick. I fixed it. I fixed it! [Red and Kitty come out of the house to see what Eric did.] It was like God had control over my hands. Let me, let me start it for you.
Eric, don't. I've seen you use a wrench. If you went lefty-loosey instead of righty-tighty, we could all die. Let me just put this in the garage.
No, no, honey, honey, your father's right, it's not safe. We'll let Bob start it later.
[after opening up the garage door and finding a police car there] WHAT DID YOU DO! WHY, WHY, WHY, IS IT ALWAYS MY HOUSE!
Do you really want to know or do you want to just keep yelling?
I WANT TO KEEP YELLING!! I don't care whose fault it is, just get that thing out of here, now.
Yes sir. [Kelso goes into the car]
All right, everybody, show's over. Let's go in the house.
But Dad, the lawnmower. I fixed the lawnmower, You've got to see. [Sees Kelso backing up and about to hit the lawnmower] KELSO WAIT! [Kelso destroys the lawnmower]
Hey look Fez, just like your frog.
Ah, well. It was broken anyway.
No, It wasn't. I fixed it. Mom you believe me, don't you.
Of course I do, honey. I believe that you believed you fixed it.
Get under the sink and loosen that disposal so we can get to the pipes.
Under there? But... it-it's all spidery.
Get under there or you're gonna get a spider the size of my foot in your ass!
I just realized something. After all the years of me helping you fix stuff, you finally have to hold a flashlight for me. Lower, dumbass! [laughs]
[Eric, Hyde, and Kelso have a Circle while raiding the police academy's main office]
These samples are way better than our samples. You see how I sniffed them out? I could so be a police dog!
[wear dog training collar] Cool, training collar. You know, I so don't get how they think I could be a stooge. Am I so on top of everything? What does this thing do? [presses button and gets shocked] AAH!
Give me that, Kelso, you're gonna hurt yourself.
[Red is teaching American history to Fez so he can pass the INS greencard exam]
What was President Dwight D. Eisenhower's greatest achievement?
He led the Allies to victory in World War II and sent those jack-booted Nazi bastards home to cry in their sauerkraut.
I didn't understand a word you said, but I heard "Nazi bastards" and that's good enough for me.
[The gang is hanging out in Hyde's room]
Why are you guys all in Steven's room?
Well, Hyde was here so I came in because I am not comfortable enough with myself to be alone.
Yeah, but it's all gray like a prison cell. Gray is why prisoners are unhappy.
Really, I always thought it? was the loss of freedom ...... and the uninvited man love.
[Eric laments about accidentally seeing Kelso's van plunge from Mt Hump]
Man, poor Kelso's van. When it finally landed, it didn't so much crash, it just completely separated into basic elements and just returned to nature.
So sad, there were Tootsie Rolls everywhere.
[Kelso introduces a fellow cadet to the gang]
Hey, guys. This is my co-cadet at the police academy, Suzy Simpson. Simpson, these are my friends. Take a good look, 'cause you'll probably be arresting some of them in the future.
SSSuzy Simpson
You're right. This one [points to Hyde] looks like the guy in the "What Drugs Can Do To You" filmstrip.
You're a cop, huh. You kinda looked like a cop. You look kinda giggly.
Look, alright. Simpson needed to get me a ride home 'cause I sprayed myself with mace to see what it would feel like.
Hey, so Suzy, which Charlie's Angels is your favorite? The brainy one? The sporty one? Or the one that just can't find a bra? Mine's the one that just can't find a bra.
SSuzy
Charlie's Angels are an embarrassment to the badge. No real cop would last a day dressed like those sluts.
Hey, those sluts are my heroes.
Hey, thanks for giving me a ride, Simpson.
SSuzy
We back up our own.
KSKelso and Suzy
Point! Place! Police! Court! Freeze! Said Freeze!
[Red and Eric are trying role-playing to help lower Red's stress.]
[imitating Eric] I'm just a skinny, smart-mouthed kid who always has something to say about everything!
[imitating Red] Well I wish I was an octopus, so I could put eight feet in eight different asses! Ah-ha-ha-ha-ha!
[imitating Eric] Star Wars Star Wars, Star Wars!
[imitating Red] Dead Commies, dead Commies, dead Commies!
[Fez is absent from the Circle after Kelso and Fez have a falling out.]
Still no Fez, huh? Wow, Kelso, you must have really pissed him off. He hasn't been away this long since he discovered bubble baths.
[Eric wants Kitty's help after Donna might be pregnant. Donna worries that Eric will be too obvious about who is pregnant.]
Donna, I think I know how to be subtle. [Scene change] MOMMY, MOMMY, DONNA MIGHT BE PREGNANT!
Eric, I can’t believe you knocked up a girl, too! I mean, you lose points for not doing it in a public place, but hey! Give me five!
Kelso, I don’t really think this is a “give me five” moment, okay? I am really freaked out! ...Well, right now I’m not so much freaked out as starving, and... fascinated by your nose!
Yeah, it’s perfect. You’d be amazed at what I can fit up in there. But the important thing is that you have responsibilities now, so you gotta step up like I did.
Look, if you mean you stepped up on a urinal to climb out of a window to get away from the girl you got pregnant... Then, yeah, you stepped up.
[notices Fez’s absence in the circle] Still no Fez, huh? Wow, Kelso, you really must have pissed him off. He hasn’t stayed away this long since he discovered bubble baths.
Yeah, Fez still isn't talking to me. But I think he's calling, 'cause every once in a while, I pick up the phone and all I hear is breathing, and the crinkle of a candy being unwrapped.
Man, we are sitting in the circle talking about relationships! What happened to us?! This stash must be from California.
[explaining how the police academy got set on fire]
It totally wasn't my fault! I I got there early to practice with my flare gun because I wanted to show Brooke an actual "B" for a change.
Okay, so far 0 percent your fault.
Then accidentally shot off a flare and it went [whistling sound] right under the bleachers.
Well, now we've jumped to about 60 percent your fault.
Kay, so then I shot off another flare at the first flare because you know what they say, you gotta "fight fire with fire."
Yeah, this is now, like, 99 percent your fault.
So, then I shot another flare into the air to warn people about the fire and that one just went right on the roof, so I just got the hell out of there.
[Eric and Donna visit the marriage counselor, Pastor Dan]
PDPastor Dan
Okay, what did you want to tell me?
Well, you see, Pastor Dan, when we were here before and you had asked us about premarital sex, we might have...We lied, okay? We have had sex zillions of times. I used to try to keep track on a pad, but it got unwieldy. Oh, God.
Well, I'm sorry, Donna, but we are knocking on hell's door, and I ain't goin' in!
PDPastor Dan
Eric, you're not going to hell. But you might be. I don't know you that well. I just think you're depriving yourselves of that wonderful moment when marriage is cemented by giving the gift of yourselves.
Wow. I never thought about it that way.
PDPastor Dan
Maybe that's why you couldn't figure out the whole excitement about marriage. The one thing you should have been looking forward to, you had already experienced. Maybe you knew that without realizing it.
Um...I don't mean to bring up Star Wars again. This is a lot like Luke before he discovered the Force.
PDPastor Dan
Exactly. And what is the Force in real life? [Eric gasps and points up at ceiling]
[Red is not pleased that Kitty's serving tea]
This is America. We bomb countries that drink tea.
Well, that's because coffee keeps us awake all night, and since we're in such a bad mood, we have to bomb someone. [doorbell rings] Ooh, I bet that's Jackie's mom.
[stands up and heads for door] I still don't think we should get involved in this. As far as I'm concerned this is between Jackie and her ditzy wretch of a mom. [opens door and sees Pam Burkhart played by Brooke Shields]
PBPam Burkhart
Hi, you must be Red, I'm Pam Burkhart, Jackie's mom.
[taken aback at Pam's beauty] It's Pam.
