TV show quotes
[Donna just told Kitty about her and Jackie discovering Bob and Pam in a hot tub]
Bob and Pam are in a hot tub?
[overhears and enters kitchen] Pam's in a hot tub?
There, you did it again, and this time you didn't even say Bob!
Yes I did.
No you didn't.
Yes I did...and you would have heard it too if it hadn't been for all that damn tea! You know, I fought a war to keep that crap out of this country, and you had to bring it into my house, and you call yourself an American!? Ha! [leaves kitchen]
[Kitty is trying to convince Bob not to date Pam]
Bob, this is clearly upsetting Donna. How can you date her?
Yeah. How can you date her?
[glares at Red] What does that mean?
What?
You emphasized "her" like there's something special about "her".
[stammering a bit] I just said what you said. But you must've missed it because I was on my way outside to mow the lawn. [heads outside]
[Hyde, Eric, and Kelso are jealous of Bob dating Pam]
I never thought I'd say this, but I wish I was Bob.
I wonder if she'd like to watch The Graduate with me sometime?
One time, back when I was dating Jackie, I saw Pam washing her car. She leaned over and squeezed out the sponge...that's all I remember as I rode my bike straight into a tree.
[Kitty is exasperated that Red is eating lasagna for lunch and his heart monitor does not sound the alarm despite the high cholesterol]
I mean, what does it take to get that beeper going?
[walks in with Bob] Hi, Red. [Red's heart monitor beeps]
Wow, that must be the lasagna kicking in!
[Hyde and Fez visit Kelso at the police academy. Officer Kennedy sees the trio]
Cadet Mike.
Officer Kennedy, you know my friends Hyde and Fez.
Yeah, I remember. But it seems to me their names were Trouble and Maker.
Trouble and Maker. That's clever.
I think it's funny. They put us together, and we're troublemakers.
Shut up. I hope these two delinquents don't interfere with the progress you've been making here, Mike.
No, sir. Not at all, sir.
Well, we'll see. I'll have my eye on you...on all of you.
He's a good man.
All right, you're really starting to creep me out. Help me grab the beer out of the car. I'm gonna drink until that moustache turns into a caterpillar and crawls away.
[Red and Kitty talk to Eric over his masturbation]
When you were a baby, you had your hands down your pants all the time. But that's okay, because it's natural. Red, tell him it's natural.
What are you, an animal?
But why wouldn't you lock the door?
How could he lock the door when he's in there pawing himself like an animal?
You know, some people get addicted and can't even hold down a job!
If you can't get someone to do it for you, you do without. In Korea I went for two and a half years.
Dad, you were there for three. [Kitty looks at Red]
What are you, an animal?
[Fez catches Red reading a romantic novel]
So you like those books too, Mr. Red?
Alright fine, so you know. But you tell one person, and so help me God, I will chop down whatever tree you live in!
[Everyone plays Truth or Dare against each other in pairs; Donna is with Eric, Kelso is with Fez, and Hyde is with Jackie, leaving Mitch by himself]
Okay, Kelso: Truth or dare.
Uh... truth.
Have you ever snuck into my bathroom while I was showering?
...I mean, dare.
You have snuck in there! I was there and I saw you! ...I mean, dare.
Okay, Steven: Truth or dare? The truth will be whether or not you love me, and the dare will be... telling me that you love me!
Okay. [sighs] Pass.
Okay, Mitch: Truth or dare? Um, I pick dare, Mitch. Okay, Mitch. I dare you to kiss Donna. [gasps at himself] Mitch! Naughty Mitch!
Mitch, you goofball. That’s not how that works. You have to be, like, "I dare you to kiss me."
Okay.
[Mitch gets up and kisses Donna in front of Eric]
WHAT THE HELL?!
Oh, he did it!
Look at him go! He's like a hummingbird!
Mitch! Congratulations this seems like the perfect job for someone your size what with the free lodging in the castle on hole six.
Yeah there's just enough room in there for me and your mom.
yeah the sweetest burns involve doing it with your mom.
[holding a Darth Vader action figure] Eric, were you playing in the bathtub with your little doll?
ACTION FIGURE! [looks at the action figure] Oh, no.
In the tub, Forman? It's getting really hard to be your friend.
[Hyde leaves the breakfast table with Kelso]
[Kelso pretends to interrogate Eric]
Alright, Mr. Forman, if that is indeed your real name, what did you do on the day of yesterday?
You'll never get it out of me, copper. I'm no rat!
[Kelso takes Eric's X-Wing model and smashes it against the table]
KELSO, WHAT THE HELL?!
Oh, just relax, Eric. I'm just doing good cop, bad cop. That was the bad cop, but he's gone now. See, now good cop is here to take care of you. Hey, how you doin', buddy? It's a real shame about what happened to your model. Why don't you tell me what you did yesterday?
I came home from the restaurant, and spent six hours building that model!
Uh, excuse me. I'm sorry to interrupt, but what about your encounter at the store with the girl who sells slurpees?
What?
Yeah, you remember. She asked why you never call her anymore. You were like...
Ooh.
Wait. Is that the girl from the movies?
Donna, I'm asking the question here. Was that the girl from the movies?
What happened to, "I barely know her?"
What happened to, "I barely know her?"
Why were you calling her, Eric?
Why were you calling her, Eric?
Kelso, will you shut up?!
Oh, yeah, it's getting hot in here, isn't it?!
[pushes Kelso's face away] Look, Donna maybe I kinda know her. Maybe we kinda went out a couple times when you were dating Kelso's brother.
Wait. You got other girls besides Donna to go out with you? What is this obsession with the underdog?
So the other day at the movies you lied to me?
Donna, I'm the senior officer here. So the other day at the movies you lied to me.
No! You know, I mean... it was the movies, you know. It's... it's all make-believe.
Okay, you know what? Don't bother coming over tonight. My sexual tension has been replaced with another familiar emotion: Anger at your scrawny ass!
No!
YES!
Well, good job, Michael. You solved one crime and prevented an even bigger one: Donna having sex with Eric.
[to Eric] You have the right to remain BUUURRRRRNNN!
[Kelso and Hyde make fun of Eric and Donna making up]
You know, I never stopped loving you.
Eric... [kisses Eric]
Hyde, I never stopped loving you, either. [takes Hyde's hand in his]
[pretends to tear up] Don't. I promised myself I wouldn't cry!
You guys better be kidding, or I'm gonna be super pissed!
[after he challenges Eric to a fight] All right! 5:15 at the playground -- you be there!
Why not just do it at 5:00?
I have swimming lessons!
[Red faces Hyde in the basement over him tapping to the cable TV]
What the hell's the matter with you? Stealing my cable!!
Red, before you blow your stack, why don't you take a look at the carwash girl? She is so sudsy.
You drilled a hole in my floor. My foot is about to drill a hole in your ass!
Red, the carwash girls have to make 500 dollars, or their super-freaky love nest is gonna turn into a bookstore.
Look there's only one clicker, and it's upstairs. My cable, my channel! [walks back up]
[Hyde, Kelso and Fez are on top of Mt.Hump. Kelso is sitting in a canoe.]
Hey, so, uh, how do you plan on steering this thing on land?
[holds up paddle] Duh.
Kelso, I think you should wear a helmet just in case anything goes wrong.
Fez, I'm riding an open canoe down a rocky mountain side. What could possibly go wrong?
I think I'm with Fez on this helmet thing.
Ah, no, I'm not falling for that one.
Falling for what?
The old helmet gag.
Kelso, I just want you to protect your head from being crushed like a berry.
Yeah, you'd like that, wouldn't you?... Now let go of the ropes and watch me fly!
One, two, three [let go of rope. The canoe does not move.]
Woohoo!... Woohoo!... Ah, man! [tries pushing off with the paddle, stands up, gets out of canoe and throws away paddle] Stupid thing! [Canoe takes off down hill] Oh! Oh, man, that could have been me!
These quotes come from Wikiquote's That '70s Show pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.
