That '70s Show quotes

Kelso

Guess what? I read your little "everything's my fault" article and I realized why I cheated. Remember the first time I kissed Pam Macy?

Jackie

Behind the gym?

Kelso

And in the gym, and in her car. But, anyway... Earlier that day, I didn't have any money to buy you tater yots. And you said that I'd never be able to support you, 'cause I wasn't smart enough. And you're always puttin' me down like that, and it makes me feel bad about myself. And that is why I cheated.

Jackie

That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

Kelso

Just like that. And then I thought about it, and I realized that I'm not sorry either!

Jackie

Michael, what are you saying?

Kelso

I'm sayin' that we're not right for each other, because you make me feel bad about myself! And... And... I don't think I can be with you anymore. I want to break up.

Jackie

Wait, break up? No, no. Michael, I was wrong. Please, let's talk about this.

Kelso

No. [leaves]

Jackie

Wait, but Michael!

Bob

And then I told Donna she was grounded, and she said no.

Kitty

She said no?

Eric

Can you do that?

Red

No.

Bob

I need your help, Red. I gotta get Donna away from that guy.

Eric

Oh, Dad. You know what's good? Threaten her with the ol' foot in the ass.

Kitty

[in response to Donna dating Casey Kelso] Y'know, that Casey. How can such a bad influence live in such a handsome package? Bad people should have a, a, a big scar or an eyepatch so you can recognize them.

Bob

The problem is, you know there's a, a point where your kids realize you can't do nothing to control them.

Eric

There is?

Red

No, now stop listening. Bob, I don't want to get involved. I've got enough problems with the 14 kids who think they live here now.

Red

Let me get this straight. Donna wanted to get back together... and you said No?

Eric

I said No.

Red

You said No!

Kitty

... Dumbass!

Eric

Look, I have my reasons.

Kitty

[agitated] What could they be? What could they possibly be?

Eric

Casey dumps her, and she comes to me? OK, I'm not a rebound!

Red

So you're too proud to take her back? And what do you have to be so proud of? You're not an athlete, the only smart thing about you is your mouth... and just look at you!

Kitty

Red, he looks fine. He's just so darn stupid.

Kitty

Oh, good God. You kids switch partners more than square dancers!

Hyde

No, it's not what you think. We're not together.

Kitty

Then what's going on in my kitchen?

Jackie

Eric's in California! [Kitty leaves the kitchen.]

Hyde

Jackie, you just totally burned Forman. That is so badass. [They go back to kissing]

Red

Oh, would you stop! Luke Skywalker this, Luke Skywalker that, I'm sick and tired of hearing about that little fruit!

Eric

Luke Skywalker is NOT!!!...He and Leia clearly-I... [calms down] Mom, Dad. This is important.

Red

No. No California. You know what's important?: School. You're gonna be a senior, and you need to buckle down.

Kitty

Luke Skywalker would have buckled down.

Hyde

I read by 1984, the government will have tracking devices on all of us. And after that, they're gonna jam electrodes in our brains so they can read our memories. Damn U.S. government.

Red

"Damn U.S. government?" Without our government, you'd be stuck in Siberia now sucking the juice from a rotten commie potato! Let me tell you something. If the U.S. government decides to stick a tracking device up your ass, you say, "Thank you, and God bless America!"

Eric

It's true. I'm gonna march over there and talk to Bob... I love a good march. My birthday's in March, then it's on to April. April Showers. Oh, The Seduction Of Eric Forman, starring the insatiable April Showers! [laughs]

Donna

What the hell!

Jackie

Oh, my God.

Eric

I'm blind!

Jackie

Get off me! [pushes Hyde away]

Hyde

[to Donna] Great outfit.

Jackie

So, yeah. What exactly did you guys see?

Eric

You, him, hands, tongues. It was horrible!

Donna

You were like Siamese twins joined at the beard.

Eric

It's true. I'm gonna march over there and talk to Bob... I love a good march. My birthday's in March, then it's on to April. April Showers. Oh, The Seduction Of Eric Forman, starring the insatiable April Showers! [laughs]

Donna

Are you really gonna go talk to my dad for me? Eric, you’re so sweet and brave. Pound for pound, you’re like, the bravest guy in the whole world. I love you so much!

Fez

Well, my candy is safe. But something was up with Jackie. She looked scared, like a deer in the headlights with his pants down.

Kelso

Man, I feel sorry for Jackie. I mean, to have to look at this all day and not be able to touch it? I can’t even do that!

Eric

[to Donna] God, I love you.

Donna

I love you more. [starts making out with Eric]

Fez

Sexy.

Kelso

Hey! You two quit it, okay?! This circle is sacred! You don't do anything in here that you wouldn't do in a church! No, wait... in a cemetery! No, wait... in the teacher's lounge! Man, I've done it everywhere.

Eric

Hey, I was just inside with Mom and she's really upset. I just want to know...what's your problem?

Red

[turns to Eric] You made me bald.

Eric

What?

Red

Five generations...not one bald head in my family. Then you came along, and - Well, look at it! [shows off baldness] Children make me bald. [goes back to car]

Eric

You know what, wear a hat. [Red turns around] 'Cause Mom is really scared, and she could really use a little damn support right now. And I don't usually tell you what to do 'cause you usually do the right thing, but this time, you didn't. You know how you're always telling me to be a man? Well, be a man! [walks back to house, but faces Red again] I made you bald? You made me skinny!

Kelso

No, but I want a peanut butter and banana-[sees Hyde and Jackie; laughs] Why is Hyde kissing Jackie? [sees Eric and Donna's stares] What the hell? He's dead! [tries to walk out of kitchen]

Kelso

I can't believe that you knew that Jackie and Hyde were together and you didn't tell me.

Eric

We...barely knew.

Donna

Yeah, we knew, but we were in denial because it's so unnatural.

Eric

Like radioactive spiders.

Kelso

Well, that's true. It's just, how could Hyde do this to me?

Kitty

Uh-oh, sounds like he knows.

Fez

Finally.

Kelso

What, your mom knew?! And Fez?! Fez never knows anything!

Kitty

Did it hit you this hard too?

Did what, dear?

Kitty

Menopause.

Ohhh...I never had it.

Kitty

Mom, everybody has it.

Well, I've always been quite health-conscious. I told you to eat more vegetables!

Kitty

You cannot expect me to believe that you never went through menopause.

Well, I didn't.

Kitty

Yes, you did!

Well, it doesn't matter because it's not nice to talk about.

Kitty

Not everything that needs to be talked about has to be nice. Mom, why wouldn't you ever really talk to me?

I told you I liked your cookies! I'm gonna find your father. [leaves kitchen] BURT!

Donna

Well, I think this whole room is a great example of bad taste. [Kitty and Red just walked in]

Kitty

Excuse me?

Donna

Uh, Mrs Forman-

Kitty

I have spent years picking every item in this room so that I would be surrounded by the things that I love and the people I thought loved me.

Red

Hey, Kitty, how about a nap?

Kitty

[snaps at Red] And you, [picks up TV remote control] have you fixed the damn clicker yet? What good is a clicker if it won't click?!? [stomps at remote]

Kitty

Boys, um, um, I realize that, uh, I may have been a little irrational today.

Kelso

A little?

Kitty

SHUT UP! So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, uh, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like "epithelial lining" and "uterine wall."

Fez

I'm hooked.