Red Forman quotes from That '70s Show

Ow!

Oh, oh, Jake, honey, honey. Be nice to your big brother. He's not strong like you.

Eric

Brother? What the hell?

Your parents finally had the son they always wanted.

Now, son, what do we call Eric?

Dumbass!

There's my boy! [Red and Kitty laugh]

Red

There were times that I thought I would never get over her, but time passed. I moved on, and then the day came when I didn't think about her as much, then a couple more days came along when I thought of her even less. Then one day I didn't think about her at all... and then that made me sad.

Eric

We've got a little Irish in us, don't we, Dad?

Red

Yes, we do.

Eric

It's just... hurts.

Red

Listen, I'm gonna give you a few days to pull yourself together. You could stay in bed, watch TV, whatever you need to do.

Eric

Thank you, Dad. Not that it matters, but... Donna didn't dump me. I broke up with her.

Red

Whatever you need to tell yourself to make it better.

I'm not a screw-up like my cousin Leo here.

Leo

It's true, man.

I used to be like Leo, sitting around all day, wasting my life, by then one day I was in my apartment and then all the smoke cleared-

Kitty

Well, see, Red. That's nice. He had an epiphany.

Actually, I ran out of weed and the smoke cleared. Then I saw how trashed my apartment was so I rebuilt it. Been a contractor ever since.

Red

Well, I'm sold.

Red

What the hell?

Kitty

Its the Russians! [Red looks out the window]

Red

Oh, jeez. [opens window] Bob!

Bob

Hey there! Hi there! Ho ho ho there!

Red

Bob, it's midnight! Turn that crap of!

Bob

What would I do that for?! Hey, check out the keister on Mrs. Claus! I know what I want for Christmas!

Red

Bob, are you drunk?!

Bob

I'm not sober!

Eric

Hey...leggo my Eggo.

Red

Hey...leggo my foot up your ass!

Well, we're all alone. I told Hyde to amscray for a while. So go ahead, take off your robe. [Eric takes off his robe, wearing a t-shirt and his underpants. He and Penny sit closely on the couch as Red and Kitty enter basement]

Kitty

Penny, there's no rat...

[jumps up from the couch] Don't Eric! Don't!

Eric

No, I was...

Red

Eric, step away from your cousin.

Eric

No, she's not my cousin. She was adopted.

I'm not adopted.

Eric

Wh-What? What? She's lying!

Kitty

Eric, I saw her mother give birth to her. Now what is going on?

Eric

I'm... sleepwalking?

Red

And I'm about to be sleepkicking your ass.

Eric, what kind of person would lie about something as serious as being adopted?

Eric

A liar who specializes in adoption lies: You. A mean, vindictive person.

Like someone who would trap someone in a revolving door?

Eric

Yes! Ohh. Mom, Dad, can... can Penny and I be alone for a minute?

Red

No! I'm not raising any flipper grandkids.

Eric

No. Look, I just want to apologize to Penny.

Kitty

Fine. When you're done, you head right upstairs. I'm having Pastor Dave come over for an emergency house call.

Red

Call it a tie!

Bob

A tie? We had all the money!

Red

We had the "Get Out of Jail Free" card! And you can't put a price on freedom, Bob.

Kitty

Red, you big old softie! Did anything special happen yesterday? Between you and Eric?

Red

Special? Well, let's see... The dentist called with a cancellation, so I went in and the sadistic son of a bitch found a cavity. The next thing I know, I'm hopped up on drugs and he's taking a jackhammer to my jaw. I spent the rest of the day in a fog.

Kitty

Oh, no. Oh my God! You don't remember what you said to Eric?!

Red

Kitty, I don't even remember how I got home.

Eric

Alright, Dad. Look, I tried to figure out the right words and then I realized I just gotta say it, so...

Kitty

Wait, Eric...

Eric

Mom, please. Dad, I...

Kitty

[in slow motion] Stop! He was drugged!

Eric

...love you.

Red

Go to your room!

Young Eric

Thanks for walking me home, Steven. That redheaded girl hits really hard.

Young Hyde

Some advice: Never let a girl stand on your head like that. Bad for the rep.

Young Eric

Okay, Steven.

Young Hyde

And it's Hyde.

Young Eric

Thanks, Hyde. Hey, wouldn't it be funny if my last name was Seek? You know, "Hyde and Seek"?

Young Hyde

That's stupid... And you owe me a quarter.

Kitty

Well, now, who do we have here?

Young Eric

This is Hyde.

Kitty

Oh, you have a new little friend! Red, get the camera!

Young Hyde

I'm not his friend. I'm a hired gun.

Red

Kitty, don't embarrass the boy!

Kitty

Well, don't be silly! It's nice to have a new friend. Especially one who's so... dirty! [laughs] You know what's fun? [goes to bathroom, where Hyde and Eric are bathing together, Eric looks at his father with a "why?" look]

Red

I'm sorry, son. [leaves the room]

Young Hyde

If you ever tell anyone about this, I'll kill you. [Eric offers him a rubber duck, Hyde smacks it out of his hand.]

Hyde

Now I have to kill you.

Eric

Dad, this is just a prank that's gone wrong. Horribly...horribly wrong!

Red

Well, I have a prank too...one where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go [gets closer to Eric] horribly, HORRIBLY... WRONG!

Eric

Kelso, you were supposed to come in through the side door!

Kelso

What?

Red

Eric, I need you to take out the–

Red

What the hell is this?!

Hyde

Eric did it because he hates you!

Eric

Hyde!

Hyde

Forman, every man for himself! [runs away]

Eric

Dad, this is just a prank that's gone wrong. Horribly... horribly wrong!

Red

Well, I have a prank too... One where my foot doesn't plow through your ass. Let's hope it doesn't go [gets closer to Eric] HORRIBLY, HORRIBLY... WRONG! I can’t even think of a punishment big enough for this! But trust me, it’s going to be awful! The kind of thing that Harry Truman might order to end a war! [walks upstairs]

Fez

Guys... who’s Harry Truman?

Kelso

He invented electricity, dumbass.

Eric

Um, you wanted to see me?

Red

Did you take my car out last night?

Eric

No.

Red

I know you didn't. Guess how I know! I stuck a hair across the ignition.

Eric

A hair acro... You know, someday I'm gonna use that on my son.

Red

Anyway, since I know I can trust you, I'm gonna let you drive it.

Eric

I finally get to drive it? Wow! Okay, uh, where does the key go?

Red

Start her up.

Eric

Okay [starts the car, but the radio blares loud rock. He turns the car off] And I'm grounded.

Red

For a month! Why did you do it?

Eric

To impress this cheerleader.

Red

No kidding? ... Well, then make it two weeks. So uh, you gonna see her again?

Eric

Well, can I have the car again?

Red

Ohh, she's that girl. I know that girl. Stay away from that girl.

Hyde

[calling out from the kitchen] Hey, Forman, your mom wants to talk to you. She wants to know why you drank all of Red's beer.

Eric

You know what? Let's just call it a month.

Kelso

[As Red comes up behind him] Red! You're probably wanting to know why I'm looking through your stuff. [Red stares at Kelso menacingly] Ok, see I needed to borrow your saw because I needed to chop down a tree. [Red looks unconvinced] Because there's something stuck in it- an animal- a rabbit.[Pause] There's a rabbit stuck in a tree and I want to return that rabbit to the wild, so it can lay it's eggs.

Red

[After staring at Kelso]: Kelso, rabbits don-[Eric and Donna come in through the back door to get the saw] How the hell did a rabbit get up in a tree?!

Kelso

Um... Eric threw it up there. [Eric stares at Kelso in surprise]

Red

[Angrily] Eric threw a rabbit in a tree!

Kelso

Yeah. He's a sadistic bastard. [Eric stares at Kelso in shock] You know he hit a cow once? [Eric lunges toward Kelso, but Donna pulls him back. They leave through the back door with the saw.]

Kitty

Okay kids it's nighty night time.

Hyde

Night mom!

Fez

That's my mama!

Eric

I love you Fez.

Hyde

I love you more!

Red

I love you the most! Good night, sleep tight and don't let the bed bugs put their foot in your ass.

Kitty

Okay boys lights out and no staying up til 8:30 giving each other hugs!

Awwwww!

Bob

And then I told Donna she was grounded, and she said no.

Kitty

She said no?

Eric

Can you do that?

Red

No.

Bob

I need your help, Red. I gotta get Donna away from that guy.

Eric

Oh, Dad. You know what's good? Threaten her with the ol' foot in the ass.

Kitty

[in response to Donna dating Casey Kelso] Y'know, that Casey. How can such a bad influence live in such a handsome package? Bad people should have a, a, a big scar or an eyepatch so you can recognize them.

Bob

The problem is, you know there's a, a point where your kids realize you can't do nothing to control them.

Eric

There is?

Red

No, now stop listening. Bob, I don't want to get involved. I've got enough problems with the 14 kids who think they live here now.