Red Forman quotes from That '70s Show

Red

Let me get this straight. Donna wanted to get back together... and you said No?

Eric

I said No.

Red

You said No!

Kitty

... Dumbass!

Eric

Look, I have my reasons.

Kitty

[agitated] What could they be? What could they possibly be?

Eric

Casey dumps her, and she comes to me? OK, I'm not a rebound!

Red

So you're too proud to take her back? And what do you have to be so proud of? You're not an athlete, the only smart thing about you is your mouth... and just look at you!

Kitty

Red, he looks fine. He's just so darn stupid.

Red

Oh, would you stop! Luke Skywalker this, Luke Skywalker that, I'm sick and tired of hearing about that little fruit!

Eric

Luke Skywalker is NOT!!!...He and Leia clearly-I... [calms down] Mom, Dad. This is important.

Red

No. No California. You know what's important?: School. You're gonna be a senior, and you need to buckle down.

Kitty

Luke Skywalker would have buckled down.

Hyde

I read by 1984, the government will have tracking devices on all of us. And after that, they're gonna jam electrodes in our brains so they can read our memories. Damn U.S. government.

Red

"Damn U.S. government?" Without our government, you'd be stuck in Siberia now sucking the juice from a rotten commie potato! Let me tell you something. If the U.S. government decides to stick a tracking device up your ass, you say, "Thank you, and God bless America!"

Eric

Hey, I was just inside with Mom and she's really upset. I just want to know...what's your problem?

Red

[turns to Eric] You made me bald.

Eric

What?

Red

Five generations...not one bald head in my family. Then you came along, and - Well, look at it! [shows off baldness] Children make me bald. [goes back to car]

Eric

You know what, wear a hat. [Red turns around] 'Cause Mom is really scared, and she could really use a little damn support right now. And I don't usually tell you what to do 'cause you usually do the right thing, but this time, you didn't. You know how you're always telling me to be a man? Well, be a man! [walks back to house, but faces Red again] I made you bald? You made me skinny!

Donna

Well, I think this whole room is a great example of bad taste. [Kitty and Red just walked in]

Kitty

Excuse me?

Donna

Uh, Mrs Forman-

Kitty

I have spent years picking every item in this room so that I would be surrounded by the things that I love and the people I thought loved me.

Red

Hey, Kitty, how about a nap?

Kitty

[snaps at Red] And you, [picks up TV remote control] have you fixed the damn clicker yet? What good is a clicker if it won't click?!? [stomps at remote]

Kitty

You know who had a real family? The Waltons. We're just three strangers sitting in a room! [Runs out of room crying]

Eric

Donna loves it there. I don't know what to do.

Red

There's nothing any of us can do. We're all screwed. You think I like being stuck here...nursing my lunatic wife back from the brink? Hell, no. But we can't control what happens to us. Even if, by some stroke of luck, you actually hang on to Donna...eventually, she's gonna turn into that [Kitty]. And then, a few years later, you'll die.

Eric

Good. Thanks for the bedtime story.

Red

Kitty, I know these past few weeks have been hard on you, hard on all of us really. [Kitty glares at him] But especially hard on you. I mean since you found out you were . . .

Kitty

Just say it Red, barren!

Red

Well there's no reason for both of us to say it. So I got something to cheer my girl up.

Kitty

Oh good, cause I finished off the last bottle this morning.

Red

No, no. I got you a puppy. [holds up a Dachshund] He needs somebody to take care of him. His? mother got run over by a car.

Kitty

Did you run over a dog, Red?!

Red

Well, I'm glad. That guy makes Republicans look like a bunch of crooks and greedy businessmen.

Eric

[sarcastically] Thank God for the honest ones like Richard Nixon, huh?

Red

What did you say?

Eric

Nixon was framed and Kennedy was a commie!

Red

That's right.

Eric

Ground me.

Red

What?

Eric

I am not strong enough. If I'm gonna shake this Donna thing, I am gonna need some serious discipline. Please ground me.

Red

You got it, pal. You're grounded!

Eric

One more thing. Donna's in the kitchen; I need you to get rid of her for me.

Red

Do I have to be nice about it?

Eric

No.

Red

This is the happiest day of my life.

Kelso

[as announcer] And the canoeing champion for this year's Battle of the Network Stars is...Red Forman!

My team! [presents trophy to Red]

Red Forman

Thanks, Jamie Farr, and I'd like to give a special thanks to Ed Asner. Ed, thanks for paddling your canoe like a girl. Where's your spunk now, you big pansy? [laughs holding trophy high]

Kitty

Here you go Red, Belgian waffles.

Eric

What's so Belgian about them?

Red

They crumbled at the hands of the Nazis.

Kitty

OH MY GOD!

Donna

Oh my God!

Hyde

Alright! It's Donna's butt!

Red

DAMN IT!! That's where I eat dinner!

Red

Is that what I think it is?

Kelso

If you mean paprika, yes, sir!

Kitty

Honey... Honey, paprika is red.

Kelso

If you mean green paprika, yes, sir!

Red

[angrily] Green paprika?

Kelso

Hyde, what am I looking for here?

Hyde

Oregano!

Kelso

If you mean oregano, yes, sir!

Red

Kitty, how's Burt?

Kitty

I don't know how to say this. Daddy's gone to a better place.

Kelso

Good, 'cause this hospital sucks! [Red, Kitty, and the gang look at him] What? [comes to conclusion] Ohhh! [whispers to Hyde] This hospital sucks.

Red

So, I guess this is the way an immature, engaged, high school dumb-ass, with no car, no job and no money trims the hedges.

Hyde

That was, like, eight burns in one sentence.

Donna

An octoburn... Let's get the hell out of here. [Everyone leaves but Eric and Red.]