[Red talks to Kelso in the garage over his relationship with Laurie]
RedWhat you want to do is fly in under my radar, so that if I don't see you and Laurie together, or even mention her name in the same breath, I might just forget that you even exist, got it?
Yeah, so if you mean me and Laurie -
Red
Oh no, now, you just mentioned my daughter's name.
Ok, so if Kelso and your daughter -
Red
No no, see...that's not gonna work either.
Red
Yeah, you're gonna be here 'till you get it right, Kelso!
Okay Red, but eventually my parents are gonna come looking for me.
Red
[threatening voice] Yeah, but they're not gonna find ya! Oh, that's another joke. Come on laugh, Kelso! [Kelso begins to cry]
[while family is watching The Brady Bunch]
Hey did you see the one where Mr. Brady went insane and put bells on all the doors?
Red
Did you see the one where Greg was being a real wise ass and Mr. Brady took him outside and cleaned his clock?
Did you see the one where I hate living here?
[Red and Eric are summoned to testify about Earl's wrongful termination suit against Red]
I guess "violent" is the wrong word... but, you know, it's definitely some kind of rage. Although, I mean, you know, Earl had it coming. I love you, Daddy.
EEarl
[enters room panting] Oh, hey. Sorry I'm late.
MMediator
Hour and 10 minutes late. I can only assume you're Earl.
EEarl
Yeah. So, um, sorry. My, uh, dog got hit by a...a guy in a....
Red
Car?
EEarl
Thanks, Red. So, what'd I miss?
MMediator
You missed everything. Okay. I'm not gonna lie. Mr. Forman, you...you scare the living hell out of me. No offense.
Red
None taken.
That's kind of his thing.
MMediator
But, Earl, in light of your failure to show up for your own hearing... we have no choice but to rule in favor of Mr. Forman.
Red
Yes, sir!
MMediator
And Mr. Forman, even though this hearing did go your way today...in light of some of your son's responses... I would strongly encourage you to go to anger management classes.
Red
Sure, I'll...I'll do that [Mediator leaves with Earl close behind]
Neat! Anger management. That sounds like it could be kind of fun, right? We...We won. Hey! You and me...We're such a good team. Whoo-hoo-hoo! Yeah. We did it. How about us, huh? Stickin' it to the man.
Red
[obviously angry] I'll see you at home. [leaves room]
Wait. But, Dad, we...we drove here together!
That is Marissa. Carol's baby. And you promised me last night that you'd babysit her.
Last night? But I was drunk. Why can't you do it?
Because you promised. And besides your father and I are having fondue and Parcheesi at the Pinciottis'.
Red
Oh? Then I'll do it.
No. Laurie can watch this baby tonight.
Oh, look Laurie, a baby. And just in time for your Black Mass!
Red
Eric, what did I tell you about calling your sister the devil?
That it's offensive to the devil?
[Red is making good progress with his barbecue war against Bob]
Well, we've gone through three batches of Ambrosia salad.
Red
Three batches! Not since D-Day has there been such a complete and glorious victory. [laughs. Donna approaches] Oh uh, hi Donna.
Well I hope you're all happy, cause you ruined my Dad's barbecue. All he wanted was one more good day before everybody found out that his store was closing and he's going bankrupt.
Yeah, Bargain Bob's is closing this week so....congratulations. [walks away]
Oh my God, I feel so bad.
Red
Well you should, you ruined his barbecue. Why would you do that?
Wha...me? You coulda, you -
Red
Eric, for God's sakes, the man is almost a veteran.
Ok, fine. You know what. Fine, it's all my fault. But Dad you, you gotta make everyone here go next door.
Eric, you're right. We have got to go over there. They are our neighbors, they are our best friends.
Red
Yeah, I suppose. [addresses guests] All right freeloaders, let's move it on over to Bob's! [everyone starts to leave] Eric, grab that keg.
Ok, I'm on it. [tries to carry but the keg wouldn't budge]
[staggering from the car] Kelso, it's fine. I'm not that drunk... I just can't walk or see... Man, that was a great party. You know who doesn't like parties? Red. [imitates Red] I'm Red. I don't like parties because I'm a big, bald party-pooper! [Red walks outside the house] Uh-Oh. [throws up on Red's shoes]
Red
Son of a bitch!
[Looks at Eric's barf] Eric, when did you eat spaghetti?
[Eric is laying on the couch, hungover]
Red
That's your own brain comprehending it's own stupidity.
[On Hyde's Dad] What kind of man leaves a bunch of kids alone with a keg?
Red
Hey, Jim Beam, can it.
[Laurie is telling Red and Kitty what she plans to do with her life.]
But now, I have found my passion: Hair!
No! HAIR! [Laurie grabs a handful of her hair.]
I'm going to beauty school!
This isn't something you do through the mail, is it?
Red
Congratulations, sweetheart!
[Laurie leaves in excitement.]
Red
Well, Kitty, what do you think?
Red
Yeah.
[At a party celebrating Red's 'death']
Red
No. Turns out I was mistaken. Life is too short to spend it with people who annoy you. I just wanna spend it with people I really, really love. Like you and, uh...Well, mostly just you [taps glass] Everybody. [guests look at him] Thanks for being here. And I just wanna say...when my time comes, I want to be buried face down, so that anyone who doesn't like me can kiss my ass!
[Awkward silence.]
[Everyone else laughs.]
[Red complains to the Fatso Burger manager, Ricky about the food served to him]
Red
Yeah. I wanna compliment you on one tasty, fried piece of shoe.
Let me take care of this right now. Earl!
Red
Oh, no. Did you say Earl?
EEarl
[walk out of kitchen] Ricky, I'm glad you called me. I need to leave early for a - [sees Red] Oh. Hi, Red.
EEarl
I used to work for Red. Then he fired me.
Oh. Then he and I have something in common. You're fired!
Red
Hey, Bob. Job just opened up for you.
Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were five, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face. [Awkward pause] OK.
[Kitty and Red start leaving]
Red
Kitty, that was bad.
[Kitty and Red finally leave]
Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.
So, looks like I'm gonna spend the weekend with Kelso, tutor him in math.
Red
Really.
Red
So, you're allegedly tutoring Kelso in math?
Red
What's the square root of x?
Um, I really can't answer that?
Red
A-HA!
No, see. X is a variable so until you define its parimeter is the only possible answer is the variable or x if you prefer.
Red
Is that right?
Sounds good. Will Michael's parents be home?
Red
Are they as dumb as he is?
I can't lie. Yes. Yes, they are.
Red
Right answer. (to Kitty) That was a trick question. I know they're dumb
Red
You can go, but I'll be watching the news. And if anything gets vandalized, or explodes, or catches on fire, X is gonna equal me kicking your ass.
Red
[notices Bob in his driveway] Need something, Bob?
Well, it's a funny thing. The wife and I are taking out a second mortgage on the house. ...Well, that's not the funny part, 'cause we're pretty much destitute.
Red
It's a little bit funny, Bob.
Anyways, I'm looking at the deed to the property, and the map shows that I own a couple feet of your driveway, and a little bit of your garage.
Red
How'd you like to own a little bit of my foot in your ass?
I wouldn't to be quite honest.
Red
It's free!
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
