Scenes with Steven Hyde 155
M1 Mountie #1
What are you doing in Canada?
What're you doing in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
Hyde We're part of an elite high school terrorist team. Strike Force Wisconsin! [Raises hands]
Uh, we just came here to get the beer. And I love Rush. Fly By Night! Ow! [raises arm]
Well, if ham's Canadian bacon, then what the hell do you call bacon?!
M1 Mountie #1
What's your business in Canada?
What's your business in Canada? [Mounties look at each other]
Every once in a while, do you ever get an American nickel in your change? [Looks at both mounties in turn]
M2 Mountie #2
What's your reason for coming to Canada, eh?
Mountie #1 Shut up!
Hyde Yeah, I'm here to nail Margaret Trudeau.
Beer. [Pause] Beer! BEER!
Are those snowshoes hard to walk in? They're tennis rackets, aren't they?
Wee foobie dibbie doobie.
M1 Mountie #1
Wee foobie...
M2 Mountie #2
Dibbie doobie...
[Fez shows off Ted Nugent shirts he printed for 50 dollars but is curious to why he got called out by Hyde for printing TAD NUGENT]
Hyde Because the shirt says Tad.
Hyde But the A should be an E!
Well, that's not how you spell Tad.
Hyde No, that's how you spell Ted.
[realizing his mistake] Ooohhh...
Hyde [gets shirt from Fez and dumps it in the bag] These shirts are useless, now Forman's out 50 bucks!
[The guys listen to Eric rant about Donna "taking over" his basement]
And then she just comes down into the basement like it's no big deal! And after what happened? And she's just gonna act like everything's cool and everything's fine? You don't love me, you don't get my couch! Or my friends! I'm a packaged deal, baby! So I just told her, "Fire up those walking sticks, Big Red!" Because this ain't happening! I'm not having it!
Hyde [sighs] Okay, Forman... We were all there, and that ain't how it happened. Wanna talk about it some more?
[at a special birthday party for Hyde, Fez tries to introduce him to someone]
Hyde, allow me to introduce you to a special lady.
UG Unknown Girl No 1
So we meet every week to pray and discuss Scripture. You in?
UG Unknown Girl No 2
I used to date your dad. Isn't that a turn-on?
UG Unknown Girl No 3
It's not like head cheerleader's always the most talented but in my case, it's true.
UG Unknown Girl No 4
I have to date guys who aren't as good-looking as me, otherwise, I'd never date.
UG Unknown Girl No 5
I know you're really angry and emotionally crippled but that's okay, 'cause my boyfriend's in jail.
UG Unknown Girl No 6
My turn-offs include people who are mean to puppies and people who smoke...or... don't smoke? Or smoke? Wait. Do you smoke?
UG Unknown Girl No 7
Okay. So guess which leg's real.
UG Unknown Girl No 8
I'm so glad I finally got to meet you, 'cause I've, like, always been afraid of you and I like to be scared.
Hyde You know, I think, if I time this right I can nail every single one of these girls... tonight.
No, no, no, no, no. You're supposed to pick just one...to love, not nail. Love.
Hyde Yeah. Right.
[The gang sees Fez come back from ballet practice]
Hey, uh, puffy-shirt guy called. He wants his puffy shirt back.
Things at ballet class have taken a turn for the worse. Somehow, I've become one of the girls...a hairy, brown girl.
Hey, uh, Fez does that shirt come with its own bicycle pump?
You should talk. [points at Eric's striped shirt] That shirt makes you look like a stick of Fruit Stripe gum.
God, what did you have for breakfast this morning? Carnation Instant Bitch?
Hyde Okay, that one was out of the park.
[The guys find out Midge left Bob and Donna]
So Midge just... took off?
Yeah, this is really bad.
Hyde Yeah. Not only did Donna lose her mom, we all lost Midge's sweet, uptown rack.
Oh, good God, man. What a marvelous set of kittens! Remember that sweater?
Remember that other sweater?
Yeah. Remember that time she ran up to us in a sweater?
Hyde Remember the week she took up jump rope? In a sweater?
[The guys fantasize about Midge]
[snaps them out of their daydream] Eric! What are you boys thinking about so hard?
Hyde Homework.
[The gang discuss Kelso's selection as talent for Red's Price Mart stockboy video]
You know, I wasn't that worried about Donna and my mom talking about me but now that I'm all paranoid I'm all, like paranoid. I mean, when did it become okay for them to be friends?
Hyde Right after your father replaced you with a semi-literate pretty boy.
That's me. So, I've been thinking about great actors to model myself after and I choose Travolta.
Hyde Kelso...I can think of no better way to impress Red than by acting like Travolta in his industrial film. Bravo, man. [claps hands]
That is good advice. Man, I don't want Donna and my mom talking about me.
Yeah, and Donna's a big mouth. Like, she told me how you wore makeup to last year's class picture.
What? Ha, I did not! I did not. I had a zit. Stop looking at me.
Hyde Forman, you and I are both victims of parental abandonment. Luckily, I have a rich hippie benefactor. He bought me nudie mags I'd never even heard of.
[impersonating Travolta as Tony Manero] Yeah, I stock this shelf! But someday I'm gonna dance across this whole city. [back to own voice] That's dead-on.
Hey guys, I have news. Turns out Stacey doesn't even like me.
Yeah we kinda expected that.
Hyde Thought you said you had news.
Yeah here it comes; She likes Red. [Kelso, Hyde, and Donna laugh]
Oh...You're gonna have to leave town!
Obviously we're gonna tell everyone!
Eric Tell me this, how'd the 50-year-old guy get the girl? Look at me I'm an attractive man. [the others look skeptical; to Donna] Well I got you.
Technically I got you. And then you blew it.
Hyde Which means you didn't lose it cause you never had it. See? There's your silver lining.
Eric you have a lot of good qualities. I mean you're funny, like... Well what just happened to you is funny. [the gang cracks up again]
Hyde That chick likes Red because he's a tough guy, a hard ass. You? You're soft.
DK Donna and Kelso
How soft is he Hyde?
Hyde Softer than Liberace at the Playboy Mansion. [Donna and Kelso are laughing harder] Yeah!
Because he plays piano! Wait. [Donna whispers in his ear] Oh! BURN!
Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, if she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it!
Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know. You see, it's bulletproof!
J Jill
Why are you friends with him?
Hyde I don't know. [starts making out with Jill and Eric appears behind them]
Hyde, what the hell? Why is she in my seat?
Hyde I don't know. Heehee, that's a good one, Kelso!
Kelso, you should tell Jackie where you go. That way, when she wants to do it, she can find you and do it. Boy, do I want to do it!
Fez, the foundation of every good relationship is three words: I don't know. Where are you going? I don't know. What are you thinking about? I don't know. Who is that under you? I don't know! You see, it's bulletproof!
J Jill
[to Hyde] Why are you friends with him?
Hyde I don't know.
[Hyde starts making out with Jill. Eric appears behind them]
Hyde, what the hell?! What is she doing in my seat?
Hyde I don't know. Hee-hee, that's a good one, Kelso!
J Jill
[to Eric] Just sit on the floor.
The floor? You want me to sit on the floor? Visitors get the floor, alright?! And that’s you, Terri Tube-Top! Oh, and by the way, it’s winter!
J Jill
[scoffs] You’re a drag. [gets up and leaves the circle]
[sits down next to Hyde and Kelso] Okay, well... Sayonara, Yoko! What? We’re kind of like the Beatles.
[Hyde gets up and leaves the circle]
So, dipping into the frankincense I see? Well, no more of that, okay? We're gonna do this play the way it was meant to be done. And no... spacemen! And anyone who doesn't like that is no Christmas friend of mine.
And we should be a little bit nicer to those of us who want to watch Christmas specials. I mean when Rudolph's nose shone so bright, and Santa realized he could guide the sleigh at night, that was a great moment in American history!
Hyde Kelso... Rudolph was small, had a girly voice. And I'm pretty sure he's a little light on the hooves, if you know what I mean.
Of course he was light on the hooves. He could fly! [realizes the meaning to Hyde's joke] Ohhh! I would have guessed Prancer!
Well, you've all ignored me, so... I'll take that as a resounding vote of confidence. Guys, let's do this thing.
[Pastor Dave suddenly walks inside]
What on God's green earth?!
Oh, I know what you're doing. I recognize that smell from the AC/DC concert. I was handing out leaflets!
Eric Forman, you're fired!
Well, you know what? Fine! [gets up and leaves the circle]
...Rudolph had a girlfriend! Her name was Clarice! She thought he was cute, okay?! If anyone was gay, it was that–that Hermey! I mean, no straight elf has hair like that!
[The guys are at the Hub looking through their school yearbook]
Okay, you guys, which one of these lucky ladies gets to go out with Point Place High's Most Eligible Viking?
Hyde Start with the gymnastics team, but go with the second string. Just as limber, but with somethin' to prove.
Yeah, I made out with her once.
Okay, I don't want my tongue where Kelso's tongue has been.
Oh, you better stay away from your mom, then. [laughs; Eric hits him] I was kidding!
[Kelso gives Jackie an early Valentine's Day present out of his earnings from being a sperm donor. She doesn't know the source of the income]
[sees earrings] Oh my God, Michael. These earrings are gorgeous.
Hyde Big day at the office?
Yeah, I worked a double shift.
[speaking separately to Donna, Fez and Hyde ] Okay, okay. I saw Jackie making out with the guy from the cheese shop! Little dude!
Yeah! But you're the only one I told so don't say a word to anybody. Okay my little secret squirrel?
Good. Cause I knew I could count on you.
Hyde You always can. Think about it, we hold information that could crush the very heart and soul of one of our best friends. I live for days like this!
Oh but just remember you're the only one I told.
DF Donna, Fez and Hyde
Your secret's safe with me.
You guys are not gonna believe this. Jackie cheated on me...with the CHEESE GUY!
Hyde ...[pretends to be shocked] No!
Yeah. I was just as shocked as you are.
Thank God all she did was kiss him.
Yeah. Wait... How do you know all she did was kiss him?
Kiss? Nah, I didn't say kiss. Don't make fun of my accent!
That cheese guy's lucky he's a little fella. Or I'd kick his ass. Just, BOOM! RIGHT IN THE ASS!
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That '70s Show · 421 quotes
Hyde
