Michael Kelso quotes from That '70s Show

Kelso

When guys cheat, it's because they need some hot action. But when girls cheat, it's way worse, 'cause girls don't even like sex.

Jackie

We do, too.

Jackie

Because I don't want to do it right now.

Kelso

I do. Point made. Thank you!

Kelso

Guess what? I read your little "everything's my fault" article and I realized why I cheated. Remember the first time I kissed Pam Macy?

Jackie

Behind the gym?

Kelso

And in the gym, and in her car. But, anyway... Earlier that day, I didn't have any money to buy you tater yots. And you said that I'd never be able to support you, 'cause I wasn't smart enough. And you're always puttin' me down like that, and it makes me feel bad about myself. And that is why I cheated.

Jackie

That is the dumbest thing I've ever heard!

Kelso

Just like that. And then I thought about it, and I realized that I'm not sorry either!

Jackie

Michael, what are you saying?

Kelso

I'm sayin' that we're not right for each other, because you make me feel bad about myself! And... And... I don't think I can be with you anymore. I want to break up.

Jackie

Wait, break up? No, no. Michael, I was wrong. Please, let's talk about this.

Kelso

No. [leaves]

Jackie

Wait, but Michael!

Eric

It's true. I'm gonna march over there and talk to Bob... I love a good march. My birthday's in March, then it's on to April. April Showers. Oh, The Seduction Of Eric Forman, starring the insatiable April Showers! [laughs]

Donna

Are you really gonna go talk to my dad for me? Eric, you’re so sweet and brave. Pound for pound, you’re like, the bravest guy in the whole world. I love you so much!

Fez

Well, my candy is safe. But something was up with Jackie. She looked scared, like a deer in the headlights with his pants down.

Kelso

Man, I feel sorry for Jackie. I mean, to have to look at this all day and not be able to touch it? I can’t even do that!

Eric

[to Donna] God, I love you.

Donna

I love you more. [starts making out with Eric]

Fez

Sexy.

Kelso

Hey! You two quit it, okay?! This circle is sacred! You don't do anything in here that you wouldn't do in a church! No, wait... in a cemetery! No, wait... in the teacher's lounge! Man, I've done it everywhere.

Kelso

I can't believe that you knew that Jackie and Hyde were together and you didn't tell me.

Eric

We...barely knew.

Donna

Yeah, we knew, but we were in denial because it's so unnatural.

Eric

Like radioactive spiders.

Kelso

Well, that's true. It's just, how could Hyde do this to me?

Kitty

Uh-oh, sounds like he knows.

Fez

Finally.

Kelso

What, your mom knew?! And Fez?! Fez never knows anything!

Kitty

Boys, um, um, I realize that, uh, I may have been a little irrational today.

Kelso

A little?

Kitty

SHUT UP! So, um, maybe now is a good time for me to explain a few things to you about menopause. And, uh, lucky for you, I'm a nurse, so I can use the proper terms, like "epithelial lining" and "uterine wall."

Fez

I'm hooked.

Hyde

So, Forman, you finally broke down, huh? What'd you get her? Earrings? A little bracelet?

Eric

No, I got her way more than a piece of jewelry. I got her a gift that really says something - a diamond engagement ring.

Kelso

As a joke?

Eric

No, you guys, I'm gonna ask Donna to marry me.

Kelso

As a joke?

Eric

Man, everyone's down on me and Donna getting engaged. You guys, my parents... even the magic 8 ball said, "Outlook not so good." I just... Look, I really think Donna would love an engagement ring.

Hyde

Oh, she'll love the ring. It's the thought behind it that'll send her running for the hills. Or maybe she'll see how smart it is to get married when you're still in high school and have no money or future.

Kelso

I know I ran when Jackie wanted to marry me. Except I ran for California instead of the hills. I mean the beach kicks the hills' ass! There's way more bikinis and they usually have a snack bar!

Eric

Maybe you guys are right. What if she thinks I'm moving too fast? Man, giving her this ring is a huge gamble. Am I man enough to make that bet? No! No! The answer is no!

Hyde

You see, Forman? You try to do a nice, thoughtful thing and you screw it yourself. It's all about expectations, man. Like, I've taught Jackie to think I'm rude and inconsiderate. I can't disappoint her because I'm always disappointing her!

Eric

And if I don't give Donna the ring, what'll I do at the water tower? Oh, God! [puts on the Stupid Helmet] I do deserve this!

Eric

Watch the gun, Cool Hand Luke.

Kelso

[stands up] Relax. Guns don't just go off by accident.

Donna

Oh really? What about Eric's fourth-grade hamster, Snowball?

Eric

What? No, Snowball didn't get shot. He went upstate to live with a nice farm family. [catches on] You shot Snowball?!!

Kelso

The gun went off by accident!

Kelso

[as announcer] And the canoeing champion for this year's Battle of the Network Stars is...Red Forman!

My team! [presents trophy to Red]

Red Forman

Thanks, Jamie Farr, and I'd like to give a special thanks to Ed Asner. Ed, thanks for paddling your canoe like a girl. Where's your spunk now, you big pansy? [laughs holding trophy high]

Red

Is that what I think it is?

Kelso

If you mean paprika, yes, sir!

Kitty

Honey... Honey, paprika is red.

Kelso

If you mean green paprika, yes, sir!

Red

[angrily] Green paprika?

Kelso

Hyde, what am I looking for here?

Hyde

Oregano!

Kelso

If you mean oregano, yes, sir!

Red

Kitty, how's Burt?

Kitty

I don't know how to say this. Daddy's gone to a better place.

Kelso

Good, 'cause this hospital sucks! [Red, Kitty, and the gang look at him] What? [comes to conclusion] Ohhh! [whispers to Hyde] This hospital sucks.

Eric

Kelso, I need to use your bathroom.

Kelso

Nope, there's nobody here. Of course, I can't see people who don't have parties for their friends and maybe there is somebody here and I just can't see him. I CAN'T SEE YOU, ERIC.

Eric

I really need to use the bathroom.

Fez

Well, maybe you should have thought of that before you kicked us out of Donna's house, you party-pooper.

Kelso

Yeah.

Fez

No party, no pooper.

Kelso

[chuckles] Nice.

Fez

Yeah, it really was. No party, no pooper. [Kelso and Fez slam the door shut.]

Kelso

Sorry I'm late but I was cutting through backyards and the Hendersons got a new jungle gym. Woah, he's still yelling?

Eric

Yeah, I'm trying to read Red's lips but I can't make it out. He keeps calling me a stupid duck. [Jackie looks at Hyde in disbelief. Eric finally gets it and snaps his fingers] Ahhh.

Kelso

Hey I'll go spy on them. I just need to run home and change into my ninja outfit,

Eric

I don't think this situation calls for camouflage, Kelso.

Kelso

Well doesn't mean it's not fun to wear, Eric.

Jackie

No way, Fez I can't believe you finally lost your virginity.

Eric

Wait, this isn't like the time you bought a hamster, named it Virginity and then lost it, is it?

Fez

No, this is the real thing.

Kelso

I had a hamster once. Tied him to a helium balloon with a note. He made it all the way to Minnesota.

Eric

Alive?

Kelso

No, I'm gonna send a dead hamster up in a balloon.

Hyde

[laughs] Can't close my mouth. Can you close your mouth? Really startin' to freak me out. Leo's the best.

Kelso

Leo made me a grilled cheese once. He used butter and it made the crust extra toasty. He forgot cheese. I miss that grilled cheese-makin' son of a bitch!

Jackie

You know one time, I heard Leo talking on the phone and he was speaking Chinese. So I said, 'Leo, stop speaking Chinese.' So he turned around...and it wasn't Leo. It was a Chinese guy. Hmm. You know, I'll never forget that.

Fez

I'm just sad I'll never get to see his face when I tell him I did it with Nina. Actually, I'd like to see my face when I do it with Nina. I'll bet I look like a stallion.

Hyde

So today we sit in this circle in honor of Leo. He was my boss. He was my friend. He was my connection. To Leo!

To Leo! [raise beer cans to ceiling]