[After Kelso celebrates himself winning and Fez lost while dancing in his van with Jackie, the ground underneath the van starts shaking and both Jackie and Kelso run out quickly as do Eric, Donna and Fez out of the shack to hear what the commotion is]
EricGuys, what happened?
I dunno, all of a sudden, the van just started shaking!
[Kelso's van slowly sinks down into the icy water underneath the ground, as everyone is astonished by that happening]
[quickly takes off his belt as his van continues sinking] Quick! Everyone, gimme your belts! Together we can pull it out!
[The van makes creaking noises as it splashes out some water towards the group and Eric and Donna quickly back up to their right]
[Eric and Donna refuse to help as Kelso waves his belt at them, telling them to join in, but they still don't want to]
Michael, this is it! This is the sign I was looking for! God doesn't want us to be together!
[At this point, the van is now submerged in the lake]
Who... cares? I'm losing my van!
See? That was always the problem with us, Michael. It was always about you.
Jackie... Are you losing your van?
Wow. Watching Kelso's van sink makes the size of my feet seem... unimportant.
Eric
See, Donna? Size doesn't matter.
Oh. You don't have to tell me.
Eric
[chuckles] That's–yeah. Ah, that's my sweet girl.
[walks over to Fez] Fez, I'm cold.
Frankly my dear, I don't give a rat's ass.
[Donna and Eric are in his room, putting their clothes back on.]
Eric
Donna, I'm so glad you're my study partner. Because you make learning fun. [Laughs and kisses Donna.]
Okay, well, no more study breaks. We have to get this report done.
Eric
Alright, fine. Okay.
[Both walk over to his bed and pick up their stuff.]
Eric
Report on the current state of U.S.-Soviet relations. Okay, we need a title.
How 'bout... Current State of U.S.-Soviet Relations?
Eric
Damn, you're smart. [Writes title down on paper.] "U.S.-Soviet Relations". [Looks up at Donna; jumps on top of her and they start making out.]
[The gang is not pleased that Kelso's planning to bail on the check at the Vineyard.]
Michael, I have never dined and dashed, and I'm not about to start now.
Uh, well... Remember when we went to nice restaurants and I told you to wait in the car while I paid? Did you ever wonder why I was running to the car?
I think technically you're an accessory.
Eric
Which should make you happy, because you love accessories, earrings, bracelets, bangles, bows...
[Eric and Donna are giving the others "special" brownies to show that there are no hard feelings about the dine-and-dash.]
Special brownies... Like the special kind of special?
The best kind of special.
[After Hyde, Fez, Jackie and Kelso eat the brownies]
Something's wrong. I don't feel special.
Yeah. I don't think those were special brownies, man.
Eric
Oh, no, no. They're special. Say, Donna, do you have any more of that special ingredient we used?
Well, I certainly do, Eric. [brings out a box from a shirt pocket] Chocolate Super-Lax.
[Eric and Donna are giving the others "special" brownies to show that there are no hard feelings about the dine-and-dash]
Special brownies... Like the special kind of special?
The best kind of special.
[After Hyde, Fez, Jackie and Kelso eat the brownies, they start feeling uncomfortable]
Something's wrong. I don't feel special.
Yeah. I don't think those were special brownies, man.
Eric
Oh, no, no. They're special. Say, Donna, do you have any more of that special ingredient we used?
Well, I certainly do, Eric. [brings out a box from her shirt pocket] Chocolate Super-Lax!
[The gang, minus Eric and Donna, are shocked]
Eric
We did.
We so did. And maybe you'll think twice before screwing us. [tosses the box at Kelso as he catches it]
Well, nice try, 'cause I don't feel any– [suddenly he has to go to the bathroom] OH!
[The same starts happening to Jackie, Fez and Kelso]
[The four of them all run up the stairs and they're squirming their way up. Fez can't get up the stairs]
[Fez tries to leave through the other door when his girlfriend, Caroline, runs inside]
CCaroline
I know. You're surprised to see me, right? And upset.
Yes, many things are upset!
[Fez starts anxiously fidgeting and jumping around]
CCaroline
Will you listen, Fez? About last night, I know you were angry.
CCaroline
And you had every right to be! But you know what this was? Our first fight!
CCaroline
And it made us a real couple, if you can forgive me.
Fine! Move away from the door!
CCaroline
So, we're okay? [Fez just groans] Good! Now, let's make up like a real couple.
[She closes her eyes and goes in for the kiss. Fez slowly turns to look at Eric and Donna]
YOU BASTARDS! [shoves Caroline and runs outside]
[Later, Kelso walks back downstairs to the basement after using the bathroom]
Okay, you guys. That was a wicked burn. I mean, it had all the elements: You didn't see it coming, parts of it really hurt...
Eric
Well, Kelso, I'm glad you enjoyed it.
Oh, I did. [takes another "special" brownie and eats it] I got my eye on you two. You're not gonna burn me like that again!
Eric
Me too.
[Having been hired at WFPP, Donna is introduced to her new job by the manager, Max, when the DJ, Jerry Thunder, comes on air]
JTJerry Thunder
Oh, yeah, this is Jerry Thunder [plays thunderclap sound effect] Coming to you on The Sound! And it looks like we got a new office girl. What's your name, baby?
[speaks to mic] Um, Donna.
JJerry
Mmm. Well, Donna, you are hot. So I'm gonna call you... Hot Donna.
JJerry
You got yourself a boyfriend, Hot Donna?
[ignore Max' cutting gesture]Um... no.
JJerry
Mmm. That is good news, fellas. 'Cause Hot Donna is... hot!
Uhm Max, why'd you make me say that? 'Cause I have a boyfriend.
MMax
Fine. You have a boyfriend. So does Elton John.
MMax
Yeah! They're a fantastic couple. I love 'em. The point is... we're selling an image here... and an available Hot Donna is good for ratings.
Oh. Well, what the hell. Eric won't have a problem with this.
[Switch to Eric's basement]
Eric
What the hell? I have a problem with this!
Oooh, look how cute you are. This is just like when you were five, and played make believe dinner. Only this time, it won't end by Donna sitting on Eric's face. [Awkward pause] OK.
[Kitty and Red start leaving]
[Kitty and Red finally leave]
Eric
Oh, good, and I thought this was going to be awkward.
Eric
So, looks like I'm gonna spend the weekend with Kelso, tutor him in math.
So, you're allegedly tutoring Kelso in math?
Eric
Yes sir.
What's the square root of x?
Eric
Um, I really can't answer that?
Eric
No, see. X is a variable so until you define its parimeter is the only possible answer is the variable or x if you prefer.
Sounds good. Will Michael's parents be home?
Eric
Yes.
Are they as dumb as he is?
Eric
I can't lie. Yes. Yes, they are.
Right answer. (to Kitty) That was a trick question. I know they're dumb
Eric
So, I can go?
You can go, but I'll be watching the news. And if anything gets vandalized, or explodes, or catches on fire, X is gonna equal me kicking your ass.
Okay, so I'm making out with Pam Macey in the orchestra pit, and everything's progressing like normal. Until...
You know, the really, really bad thing that can happen to guys when they're with girls.
Oh, did Mr. Cooper come in to buff the floor?
...No. Okay. Let me put it this way: The buffer wouldn't buff.
No, Fez! I think what he's trying to say is... the rabbit wouldn't come out of the hat.
Eric
The weasel wouldn't pop.
The alphabet soup never spelled, "Go".
Eric
Actually, not quite. There are a lot of Amish people, but they never raised a barn.
Forman, man, that was awesome!
Eric
It just came to me.
Oh, I get it. The barn is Kelso's pants!
Okay! You guys, this is not funny! This is like a nightmare!
Yes, Eric, stop teasing. Kelso, I want you to know that I feel bad for you. And that I am sorry... YOU ARE NOT A MAN!
[The guys are awaiting their beating in the rival school's locker room]
Eric
Now instead of feeling scared and anxious, I feel relaxed, and... relaxed.
I know we're probably gonna get beaten, but it was worth it. Because we showed we have tremendous school spirit. [pause; starts sobbing] Go Vikings!
School spirit is for losers, man. You're just, like, floating along on a conveyor belt of conformity. Pep rallies, extracurricular activities, washing your hair. It's all just a trap, man!
Eric
Yeah, Fez. It's one thing to root for a football team, but to confuse the Point Place Vikings with a sense of personal identity? That's just... relaxing. [starts laughing hysterically] We're all gonna die tomorrow!
[The guys talk about the X-rated film they saw earlier]
Eric
Okay, so did anyone besides me think that some of the guys in that movie were not completely... average? Like, you know, way, way... above average?
Well, you don't go into that line of work when you're below average. You just pray some hot, redheaded neighbor girl likes you for your personality.
What are you talking about? Those men were completely average. In fact, I found the guy with the mustache downright puny.
See now, Fez, that's not honest. I mean, we all know you're small in the pants. What I'm saying is, from here on in, I'm only telling the truth. In fact, I'm gonna come clean to Jackie about everything!
Fine. You want honesty? I'll give you honesty. We are all small in the pants!
Kelso... this might be your best idea ever. You know what? You should make a list of all the lies you've ever told to Jackie. And I'll help you. So all's I really want is for you to be happy.
Eric
You guys, honestly. You don't think Donna's, you know... bored, right? 'Cause those guys in the movie, they didn't do the same move twice. And I've done the same move, like... always.
I'll bet they go to a special school or something. I mean, they're like doctors at doing it.
That '70s Show · 421 quotes
