Eric Forman quotes from That '70s Show

Eric

I'd call Red, but I feel safer in jail.

Fez

I... uh, don't know my phone number.

Hyde

I can't call Edna, man. It's poker night.

Kelso

No offense, but isn't every night [nudges Hyde] "poker night" for Edna?

Red

I wonder if you'd mind giving my son an autograph.

[cuts off Red] No, no autographs.

Red

Look, I might be the only guy in here who's actually killed a man.

Give the kid an autograph and then no more autographs.

You know that's really nice, bringing your kid to a wrestling match. You know what, I got a son, and one day he's gonna become The Most Electrifying Man in Sports Entertainment!

Red

Yeah, well, good luck with that. Uh, wanna make that out to Red Forman.

Eric

No, no, I don't think so. It's Eric Forman, capital E-R-I-C.

Red

Yeah but see, his nickname is Red.

Eric

No, it's not.

Red

Stop kidding around, Red.

Red

Damn good thing I went with him. He wanted to buy a leisure suit.

Eric

Come on, Dad. Leisure suits are cool. Everybody wears them.

Red

Leisure suits are for dumbasses. Believe me.

Kelso

Tonight, [sniffles] I learned there's a price to be paid for doing it. She said forever, man. And I think she meant it.

Fez

The inside of my mouth feels like cotton. As if cotton was in my mouth.

Hyde

Kelso, man... Women are like muffins, okay? And once you've had a muffin, man, you will put up with anything to have another muffin! And they know that! Now she really owns you, man.

Eric

Hyde, you sure know a lot about women. But, I mean, you've never really had a steady girlfriend. So, what's that all about?

Hyde

I'll tell you what that's all about, Forman. My mind is pure, man. I don't fall victim to the female race. I'm here, sans girlfriend, to help you guys out.

Fez

Then I have a question, Hyde. How much masturbation is too much?

Hyde

No such thing as too much, Fez.

Eric

I had a nice discussion with Red and Kitty about foreplay.

Donna

I'm sorry.

Eric

Yeah, me too.

Jackie

Look, I need to talk to someone. I can really use a friend right now.

Eric

Okay then well, good luck with that.

Eric

Sorry I was late. We were at the Hub and then I had to drive everyone home and then Kelso says...

Red

Blah-blah-blah. You're late. Be responsible for your own actions.

Kelso

[very angrily] That's real easy for you to say, pal! [leaves]

Red

That kid's on dope.

Donna

So, what do you guys wanna do when you grow up?

Eric

Um, not touch dead people. Ever.

Fez

I'm so excited about Star Whores.

Hyde

Fez man, it's Star Wars.

Fez

Screw that.

Hyde

Hey, Forman, man, this thing better be good. If I don't see some space jugs, I'm going to be super pissed.

Eric

Oh, hey, guys, I heard it was okay.

Kelso

Well, there is no way it's better than the Planet of the Apes. I mean, those apes were really good actors.

Eric

Gentlemen, we have finally done it. A pot leaf on the water tower!

Fez

This is the proudest moment of my life.

Hyde

It doesn't look like a pot leaf.

Kelso

What?

Hyde

It looks like a hand giving the finger.

Kelso

It doesn't have to look perfect, Hyde, it's art.

Hyde

Get up and make it better!

Kelso

Fine!

Hyde

Just make it wider. Yeah, right up there. Out further, though. Yeah, right up there-[Kelso leans to the right and falls off the water tower.]

Jackie

[Gasps] Oh, my God! Michael! [Branches snapping; thud.]

Hyde

Hey, Kelso!

Kelso

[weakly] Yeah?

Hyde

How's it look from down there?!

Kelso

It looks like it's giving me the finger!

Kitty

Oh~! Red~!

Red

Oh, Kitty~!

Eric

[sheepishly] Okay, let's go. Everybody hop in the car and let's... go now.

Kelso

Where's your mom?

Eric

[grabbing Kelso by the collar, screaming] SHUT UP! DON'T YOU DARE TALK ABOUT MY MOTHER!

Eric

[to Hyde] Do you know how many cool guys live in New York? There's like... Lou Reed, man! Do you wanna mess with that?!

Fez

Why do you want to leave Point Place? It is fun!

Hyde

Yeah, it is fun, man. And I’m gonna miss the hell out of you guys... but Chrissy’s cool. And it’s the Big Apple, man! Hey, do you think Lou Reed’s in the phone book? ‘Cause I’d bet he’d really like me.

Kelso

[chuckles] Lou Reed. Where are you goin’? Who’s Chrissy?

Eric

[to Hyde] It’s not so bad here, man. We got the TV, and... peanut butter. [holds up a paddle with no ball] And I got this thing... The ball part rolled under the dryer.

Fez

Hyde, you cannot leave. You gave me my first beer, remember? And then, I threw up on that cop.

Hyde

[laughs] That was a good time, man.

Kelso

Wait a minute. Back up! Nobody tells me anything! What’s the ball doing under the dryer?!

Eric

I killed her. She was old, and the shock of her grandson telling her that she was nasty killed her.

Donna

Have you talked to Red about this?

Eric

I'm not talking to my dad about this. Do you remember how angry he got when I didn't rake the yard? This is like, twice as bad!

Hyde

Forman. Let's go get wasted.

Donna

[exasperated] Great!

Eric

See? Hyde's a real friend. He's gonna help me get through my grandma's death.

Hyde

[frowns] Your grandma's dead? Oh, man... Let's go get wasted.

You don't like it when I come to visit.

Eric

Yes I do, I really do.

You're a filthy liar! You didn't learn to lie from my Red; that came from your mother!

Eric

Well, y'see Grandma, that's the problem right there, okay? Every time you come to my house, you spend the whole day criticizing my mom.

Well, I tell it like it is.

Eric

Okay Grandma, then here's how it is: you're very nasty! And I–I don't see why you have to be so hateful. I don't think being nice for a whole day would kill you!

Eric

Grandma?

Eric

Grandma?

Eric

Oh! OH, GOD!