Carefully... carefully? [Patrick smacks him]
Come on, do it! I'm freezing here!
Pat, no! [Patrick rips a patch of Sandy's fur off with the tape, leaving a patch of bare skin. Sandy roars and goes back to sleep, SpongeBob sighs in relief] Pat, are you crazy? [He sees that Patrick has placed the fur on his forehead]
Let me see that roll of tape.
SandyOh, look, it's SpongeBob and Patrick! [With that, SpongeBob and Patrick go crazy trying to open the door. Patrick screams. Sandy walks over, completely hairless and in her bikini]
Sandy
Hey, guys! [They climb off the door] [She sees all the different fur assortments the two are wearing. She looks down at her bald pink body and screams in horror.]
It's okay, Sandy. Squirrel pattern baldness is quite common in small mammals. [Patrick removes the furry piece from his forehead, smiling fearfully. Sandy is really tickled off now.]
Sandy
[growling with fury] SpongeBob! Patrick!
Don't worry, Sandy. We've got you covered.
[He giggles nervously. Cut to Sandy's arm pouring some lemonade, she giggles]
Sandy
[giggles] More lemonade, boys? [pan out to see that Patrick is curled around Sandy's head and SpongeBob around Sandy's body as punishment for ripping her fur to keep them warm, in order to cover up her bald pink hide and keep her warm until her fur grows back. The two take a glass.]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Thanks, Sandy.
Sandy
Spring sure is lovely.
How long can she stay like that?
Wow, Sandy. You sure provided us wrong. I guess land creatures are better. [bubbles rise from Sandy's lips] At least until they need to breathe... [he, Patrick, Squidward, and Mr. Krabs chuckle while Sandy angrily squints one eye at them] Yep, won't be long now.
Sandy
[starts struggling to hold her breath] Mm?
Sandy
[shakes her head] Uh-uh.
Remember this? [takes a deep breath in and out. Sandy is seen sweating profusely]
It's free! [also takes a deep breath in and out]
Sandy
Oh, you mean for your chicken costumes?
[holding and eating popcorn] Hey, we are not chicken! [drops his popcorn] Huh! My popcorn! [begins pecking at it like a chicken]
Yeah, we're not chicken, we'll do it. [looks at the water's surface and pokes his finger above the water] There! Mission accomplished!
Sandy
Look, unless you can stay above water for one measly minute, you forfeit the contest and prove that land creatures are better than sea creatures!
No way, San-day. We can take on your challenge.
Wait, boy! [gives him a glass of water] Make it last.
[drinks from it] Thanks, Mr. Krabs. Okay. Here I go! [the scene changes to live action as he gasps out of the water. He is now a real yellow kitchen sponge on a stick] Hey, this isn't so bad! We can do this! Hey, Patrick, come on up! The air is fine!
I'm gonna do it quick and get it over with. Cannonball! [jumps out of the water. He is now a real pink starfish, missing his trunks, on a stick] Hey, I lost my trunks! Hi, SpongeBob!
All right, Pat! You made it! Come on up, Mr. Krabs! Up here!
All ashore that's going ashore, Mr. Squidward! Land ho! [runs up. He is a red rubber toy crab on a stick]
Come on, Squidward! You're missing all the dry. Come on, Squidward!
AAll
[chanting] Squidward! Squidward! Squidward! Squidward!
Well, l'll do it, but I won’t like it. [walks up. He is a puppet octopus with his eyes and big nose. All stop chanting] What?
Well, here we are! [all four are walking on the island]
I may keep a second rock up here!
Once you get your land legs, it's not so bad!
We're the masters of land and sea! [a string puppet seagull lands in front of him] Hey, it's a local. Hi! We're from underwater! Do you know Sandy Cheeks? [the seagull looks at screen]
Sandy
Three, two, one. Well, tan my fur! They made it! Better go congratulate them! [walks onto the island. She is now a real plush squirrel toy with a small, round plastic helmet on her head] SpongeBob? Patrick? Hmm, where do those critters get to? [sees the seagulls attacking all four of them; one of them is trying to eat Patrick, while the other is chasing SpongeBob, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward] [gasps] Holy guacamole! You can't eat my friends, you rats with wings! Hiyah! [attacks the birds offscreen and feathers start flying. All five sink back down to the seabed, with Squidward upside-down]
Uh, thanks for saving us, Sandy.
Sandy
You know, everyone's best at things.
But no one's best at everything. Sorry I made you take off your helmet, Sandy.
Sandy
Sorry I made you go up on dry land, SpongeBob.
Three cheers for feeling sorry for us! Hip hip...
SSeagulls
[lying injured on the island with their feathers missing] Hooray!
Sandy
SpongeBob, quit your worrying. I can take care of myself. After all, Who's the strongest critter in Bikini Bottom? [pulls a live-action boat down underwater by its anchor]
Sandy
And who put the, hiyah-hah-huah, "K" in "karate"?
[body is shaped like a "U"] You did.
Sandy
And who saves your yellow backside from certain destruction on a regular basis?
[SpongeBob's backside reads "Property of Sandy Cheeks" printed on it]
I never thought I'd say this, but go ahead in.
Really? I can go in? Oh my gosh, I never thought this moment would come! I, SpongeBob SquarePants, am tough enough to get into the Salty Spittoon! This is the happiest day of my liiiife! [walks in; scene cuts to an ambulance driving down the street with SpongeBob in bandages and Sandy by his side]Sandy? [groans]What happened?
Sandy
You ran inside and slipped on an ice cube. [ambulance arrives at the hospital; scene cuts to Sandy wheeling SpongeBob in front of the doctor]
I slipped on an ice cube and got covered in boo-boos!
DDoctor
Boo-boos, eh? Hmmm...I think you guys want that hospital. [points across the street to another hospital]
I'm tired of playing second banana to a man who wears a bra. From now on, I wanna be called Barnacle Man! And, I'm through with protecting citizens that don't respect me!
I respect you, Barnacle Man!
BBarnacle "Man"
That's Barnacle Boy, I mean, Man! I... Ohh... forget you people. I say if you're not gonna give me any respect as a hero, then maybe you'll give me respect as a villain. A villain who is... [the sky turns orange as thunderstorms are heard] evil!
SKSquidward, Mr. Krabs, Sandy, and Patrick
Evil? [Mermaid Man zones out, so Mr. Krabs slaps him]
BBarnacle "Man"
I'm crossing over... to the dark side! [points to dark side of Krusty Krab]
Why should I waste money lightin' the whole store? [villain car comes in, shows brief shot of License Plate (MEAN 2 U), then the window opens revealing Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble in the car]
Holy oil spill! It's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's arch enemies: Man Ray and the Dirty Bubble! [Barnacle "Man" gets in the villain car]
BBarnacle "Man"
Nighty night, you old goat! [the villain car departs]
Nighty-night! [to Squidward] Will you tuck me in? [Squidward narrows his eyes]
I'm right here! Don't worry, good citizens! Nothing will stop me from defeating the E.V.I.L.! [runs outside] Nothing! [ice cream truck sounds] Ice cream? I love ice cream! A double scoop of prune with bran sprinkles. [receives an ice cream with a lit fuse] Mmm. [licks it and takes a big bite but explodes, "KA-BRAN!" appears, leaving a hole in his stomach] Goes right through me every time.
Are you thinking what I'm thinking? [Gary imagines himself watching TV] No, no, no! I'm thinking about entering you in that race and beating Squidward's snail! [SpongeBob runs off. He then returns, wearing a coach's outfit] Looks like we're going to start our training now, ladies! [laughs] I call you a lady to humiliate and demean you. It's a motivational tool we coaches use.
[Scene cuts to Sandy walking down the street; she stops and hears what SpongeBob said]
Sandy
Hmm... I don't know why, but I think I'll kick SpongeBob's butt tomorrow.
I can't believe it. My purebred, which cost me $1,700, lost to a rock. [Patrick walks over with the trophy he won]
Don't worry, Squidward, I know how much you wanted to win, so I had the trophy engraved to you.
Gosh, Patrick, thanks. [reads the engraving] The 1st Place Snail Racing Cup Presented to Squidward... [we see the engraving and the camera zooms in on Squidward's misspelled last name] ...TORTELLINI?! Will I ever win?
[He, SpongeBob, and Patrick laugh. Suddenly, Sandy comes on-screen and kicks SpongeBob in the air. He and Patrick stop laughing]
Sandy
[angrily] That's for yesterday, SquarePants!
[The scene changes to show Sandy's treedome. The scene then shows her reading a book in a rocking chair in her tree. She hears a noise, which is SpongeBob and Patrick's laughter. She checks to see what it is, but there is supposedly nothing there. She gets up and goes to her window.]
Sandy
Huh? [the outside of her tree is shown] Well, that's funny, I thought I heard voices. Huh? [walks up to a glass of juice on the floor] I thought I left that glass of peanut juice on the table. [walks over to a table with a lamp covered in garbage] And didn't I toss that old lamp out yesterday? And since when did I acquire all these portraits of Patrick?!
[Photos of Patrick are on the walls and tables, and the rug has his face on it. Sandy turns around and sees SpongeBob and Patrick covered in white sheets over their heads as they wail.]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
We're ghosts.
[SpongeBob and Patrick wail again. Sandy laughs.]
Sandy
I knew it was you guys! Alright, joke's over. Take off the sheets. [pulls off the sheets and notices there is nothing there, then gasps] It is ghosts!
[Sandy shrieks. She takes out a remote with a large red button. She presses the button and an escape pod that is in the shape of an acorn appears out of some panels. She enters the escape pod and presses a button. The escape pod flies out of her dome, above the water, past the Bikini Bottom island, and lands in Texas. The escape pod explodes in Texas. SpongeBob and Patrick leave Sandy's house, laughing.]
Boy, we really scared her!
[SpongeBob and Patrick laugh.]
Who's gonna be our next victim?
A better question would be, "Who isn't?"
[The scene changes to show Mrs. Puff's house, where she is preparing to eat a piece of cake.]
Double-dark deep-sea light diet cake! [laughs] You will soon be mine. [Patrick and possibly SpongeBob eat(s) the cake, making it look like ghosts have eaten it. Patrick's face is covered in cake. He belches loudly and wipes it off] Oh! [gets filled up with air and then lets it out flying all around] Ghosts!
[Her deflated body lands on the table.]
Sandy
Whoo-wee, there you boys are. Looks like I'm just in time.
SSSpongeBob/Squidward
Sandy?
Sandy
One blast of this Molecular Separator Ray and you'll be separated for good.
[SpongeBob and Squidward try to tell Sandy not to blast them, but was too late, she blasts the ray at Squidward and SpongeBob and it separates them. Crowd gasps]
[SpongeBob gives him back his clarinet] Hmph. [plays clarinet off-key making SpongeBob cheer for him, but the audience hates it as they block their ears, Old Man Jenkins faints off his chair]
I think I'm going to be sick.
[Squidward blows his clarinet at Billy which blows his skin off and shows his skeleton]
Huh, no wait. Wait! [everyone leaves] Oh, my one moment of fame gone. [grabs the Molecular Separator Ray] There's got to be some way to reverse this. [pushes the button over and over]
Sandy
No, Squidward! That's a very sensitive device!
[The Molecular Separator Ray blasts into the final scene]
TTherapist
[talking to Squidward] So, what seems to be the problem, Mr. Tentacles?
It all started when I was born.
[The camera zooms out revealing SpongeBob, Patrick, Mr. Krabs, Sandy, Mrs. Puff, Larry, and Pearl, all joined into Squidward's body in a horrifying, Cronenbergian mass as the episode ends]
PProfessor Percy
Well, Miss Cheeks, I must say you have exceeded expectations.
RLord Reginald
It may be the extreme head trauma I've suffered, but I am going to offer you a 20-year contract with a substantial pay raise.
Sandy
I accept.
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Hooray!
PProfessor Percy
I expect great things out of you, Miss Cheeks. Great things.
RLord Reginald
Perhaps you could put your talents toward that automatic poop-throwing machine that's eluded us for so long.
MDr. Marmalade
Now, now, one miracle at a time.
Sandy
Well, the only thing left is to figure out what to do with this infernal contraption.
My turn. [sits on his invention] Whoo-hoo! [machine turns on and he screams] All right!
[scene cuts to SpongeBob and Sandy walking toward their boat]
Sandy, I'm sorry I acted like a jerk back there. Thanks for saving me from... [swallows hard] buying a condo.
Sandy
Aw, shucks, SpongeBob, that's what friends are for.
I still have one question, though. Does this mean I'm not King of Karate anymore?
Sandy
You are in my book, SpongeBob. You are in my book. Now let me tell you about real estate. It's all about location... [boat drives off as another boat, carrying Squidward, arrives]
I'm here! The King of Clarinets has arrived! [Master Udon is waiting on top of the rocks again]
[SpongeBob takes a remote with a red Button with a label that reads, "open." He presses the button. The door to the sub opens.]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Ooh! [They both salute]
SpongeBob and Patrick reporting for guard duty. [they both laugh and jump inside. Patrick stars pressing buttons and SpongeBob pretends to be piloting the sub]
Hmm. [he finds a yellow button with a label that reads "Shrink"] "Shrink." I do have a lot of issues. [presses the button and a warning light starts]
SPSpongeBob and Patrick
Pretty.
[The subm shrinks a little, squishing SpongeBob and Patrick against the windshield. Sandy enters the room.]
Sandy
I'm back, SpongeBob. [she drops box of nuts] Uh-oh.
[SpongeBob shrinks and Patrick laughs while grabbing SpongeBob.]
You're so tiny. [he shrinks even smaller than SpongeBob; screams] A giant SpongeBob!
[The two shrink until they appear to look like dots. The sub shrinks completely. A robot hand grabs the sub. Sandy leans in.]
Sandy
Patrick! SpongeBob!
Aah! Sandy's grown to gigantic size!
I don't think Sandy grew, Patrick. I think we shrunk.
[stupidly] That's silly. Don't you think it's more likely that the entire world grew?
Sandy
[over the speaker] Good work, guys. Mission accomplished. Now all you have to do is...
[pushes Sandy out of the way] Get out of my body! Go!
Grow? [presses the grow button. The alarm starts up]
[The scene becomes a split screen. The left has Sandy, the Middle has Squidward, and the right has SpongeBob]
SSSandy, Squidward, and SpongeBob
[alarmed] No!
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
