[to Gary] All those people think you're a monster. But I know you're just a snail.
[SpongeBob pets Gary, who suddenly meows and snarls savagely and bites SpongeBob's arm, causing everyone to gasp.]
[in tears] Gary... how could you?! [Gary meows ferociously]
SpongeBob's been infected by his own pet snail. Oh, the irony! Quick, we must quarantine that infected snail before he bites every last Bikini Bottomite. Let's get the snail!
BBBikini Bottomites
YEAH!
[An angry mob forms and everyone takes out jellyfish nets and torches. SpongeBob gasps.]
KMr. Krabs
It's for his own good, SpongeBob.
No! I won't let you touch Gary!
Stop the madness, man! The mad snail disease ends now. SEIZE THE SNAIL!
BFBusiness fish
Say, don't I know you from somewhere?
BFBusiness fish
Hmmm... that's it! Get outta town!
I won't let you do it! You'll have to do something horrible to me before I let you throw Patrick out of town!
SKSquidward and Mr. Krabs
"Patrick"?!
BFBusiness fish
You forgot your flyer. [hands them one of his flyers]
[reading flyer] "GET OUTTA TOWN! ...To beautiful Sunny Shore Resorts!" Look! This guy wasn't trying to run you out of town, he just wanted to sell you a luxury vacation at a modest price!
Well, I guess I don't need this disguise anymore.
[Rips off his disguise while everyone else is shocked]
Umm, I think I need to take a shower.
KMr. Krabs
So, let me get this straight, uh, you're not a woman?
KMr. Krabs
Well then, you're fired. Uhh, if anybody needs me, I'll be in my office for, I dunno, the next 20 years or so.
[Cut to Krusty Krab where SpongeBob enters with medieval clothes on]
Good townspeople, let us rejoice in welcoming our new king.
[enters, wearing his crown and a royal cloak] King needs food badly.
KMr. Krabs
What's this all ab...? [gasps. Sees Patrick's crown and dollar signs appear in his eyes] Well, well, well. What can I do for you, Patrick?
KMr. Krabs
Zip it, SquarePants...I'm talking to the rich guy.
I'll have ten Krabby Patties, a Krabby milkshake, large fries...
KMr. Krabs
I've got a better idea.
Bloodthirsty bikers? And they're headed straight for Bikini Bottom! I've got to warn everybody! I better take the shortcut!
[SpongeBob rides on the bubble transition to inside the Krusty Krab.]
KMr. Krabs
SpongeBob! Where in the blue barnacles did you come from?
There's no time for that, Mr. Krabs. Grab something heavy! Bar the door! Board up the windows. We've got to protect the Krusty Krab. The Krabby Patties must survive!
KMr. Krabs
Settle down, son. What are you all riled up about?
Bikers... coming... nasty... ferocious... take... over... town. Destroy... must hide!
KMr. Krabs
What are you going on about? Bikers?
The Wild Ones are coming, Mr. Krabs. They're the most vicious, ravenous horde of hooligans in the sea.
KMr. Krabs
Ravenous did you say? That's another word for hungry, isn't it?
[scene cuts to the laboratory of the Chum Bucket with Kelpshake on a plate where a sample of the drink goes through a tube, into chemistry bottles, and finally into Karen where she begins a D-N-A scan]
What's the secret ingredient, Karen?
Well, it appears that the main ingredient is: Kelp Juice.
PKPlankton & Mr. Krabs
Just kelp juice?
KMr. Krabs
And to think this whole time I could've been selling these meself!
You? What about me? If anyone, I deserve to make a buck of selling this stuff.
KMr. Krabs
[removes the glass container and takes kelp juice] No way, pipsqueak. This gold mine is mine.
Not if I can help it. [jumps at Mr. Krabs, but goes between his eyes and splatters into the wall] Ow.
KMr. Krabs
[cackling] Nice try. [about to take a sip]
I wouldn't do that if I were you; There's another ingredient.
KMr. Krabs
Hey, I paid good money for this thing! Of course I'm gonna drink it. [takes a sip then spits it out] What the...?! I don't get what the big deal is. This tastes like a wet gym sock.
Really? Let me try that. [Plankton sips the drink and puckers his lips] Actually, there is a bit of a pungent aftertaste.
KMr. Krabs
Hmmm. [sips again and puckers his lips] Hey, you're right. This ain't half bad. [takes another sip and laughs] This is amazing.
Well, don't be selfish. [sips and laughs] Oh yeah.
[he sips in the rest of the drink until he sucks in the cup] Krabs, we're all out of juice!
KMr. Krabs
Well, we gotta get more!
You're making a big mistake!
KMr. Krabs
Ah, phooey! You don't know what you're talking about! [he walks out with Plankton] ♪Kelpshake, Kelpshake. Oh, how I love a Kelpshake.♪
[runs up crying covered in yellowish-green fur] What's happening to me?! [Mr. Krabs and Plankton gasp in shock when they see SpongeBob covered in green kelp and he's naked] They've shut down the Kelpshakes restaurants! [nearly crying as he runs off]
PKPlankton & Mr. Krabs
Huh? [they both see workers sucking out all the liquid which is toxic waste in the Kelpshake restaurant that says "CLOSED FOREVER"]
H1Hazmat #1
It'll take decades to clean this hazardous material up.
H2Hazmat #2
I sure feel sorry for whoever drank this. [Mr. Krabs screams as he is growing yellowish-green kelp fur just like Plankton is, then Plankton screams]
KMr. Krabs
Now what are we going to do?
I don't know about you... [Plankton takes out a mini helicopter propeller] but I'm going back to what I do best. Stealing your recipe! [laughs]
KMr. Krabs
Hey, wait a minute! Plankton!
[flies into Mr. Krabs office where the safe is. He tosses the propeller and laughs] Come to papa. [Mr. Krabs opens the door]
KMr. Krabs
Hold it right there! You're not going anywhere... [opens the safe] without a ten second head start!
[laughing while he runs off as Mr. Krabs begins to chase him while having fun] I love being hated!
KMr. Krabs
Hey, get back here you little booger! [laughs]
[The episode starts at night as the camera focuses on the trio of houses on Conch Street while zooming in on SpongeBob's house while the song "The Best Day Ever" starts to play. Inside, he is asleep. The sun quickly rises outside, turning night into day, and SpongeBob awakens as well.]
[gasps] A reserved seat? Next to my friends? I made it! All I have to do is sit down and...
[Just as he sits down, everyone applauds as the curtains close, marking the end of the show, and SpongeBob completely loses it.]
[Yells in frustration shaking his fists up making a rumbling sound as everyone looks at him in confusion] No! [jumps on stage and tears the curtain] No! It is not over!
This was supposed to be my perfect day. But then everything... [a fish gets up and starts to leave, but SpongeBob stops him as he screams] Sit down! [the fish does so] Then everything turned to doo-doo.
KMr. Krabs
[he, Patrick and Sandy go upstage with him] It's okay, SpongeBob.
NO, IT'S NOT OKAY! [his yelling makes Mr. Krabs and Patrick flinch] This was gonna be my best day ever, starting with doing the best job in the world, working at the Krusty Krab!
KMr. Krabs
Boy, you saved me barnacle the way you put the run on them nematodes!
[sniffles] Yeah, I guess so. But then I was gonna do karate with Sandy!
I know, but you saved the treedome! Pretty cool, if you ask me.
Well, I suppose. But then I was gonna go jellyfishing with Patrick!
But then you... Uh, what'd you do again?
And, I hate to admit it, but I suppose if you hadn't fixed my reed, the concert would have been a bust.
KMr. Krabs
You see, SpongeBob, it's not about you or your perfect day or any of those things.
KMr. Krabs
No. [chuckles] It's about us!
KMr. Krabs
Yep. And since you did such a good job, we wanna make it up to you.
KMr. Krabs
So, just tell us anything your little heart desires, and it's yours.
JJim
Hey, Eugene, where's that little fry cook of yours?
KMr. Krabs
He thinks you're taking his job, so he's run off!
JJim
Hey, great idea! And you can give me a raise! [both laugh it off]
[watching from the freezer] Look at them. Mr. Krabs is probably offering Jim my job right now.
KMr. Krabs
[stops laughing] Well, I better go find him. [SpongeBob comes out] Spongebob!
Don't worry, Mr. Krabs. I was just leaving. I'm not fit to inhabit the same kitchen as Jim. So it is with a heavy heart that I relinquish my position as fry cook.
JJim
What are you thinking, SpongeBob? I'm not taking your job!
But you're the greatest fry cook in the world! The Krusty Krab deserves better than me.
JJim
Both those statements are true, SpongeBob, but there's a reason I left the Krusty Krab. It all started on a warm summer evening. Business was slow, so Squidward and I were having one of our famous bowl sessions...
[Flashback to the day Jim left the Krusty Krab]
JJim
We should open our own restaurant and stop relying on old man K's pockets.
No, thanks. I'm just doing this until my clarinet career takes off.
JJim
What if it never does? Don't you wanna have something to fall back on?
Yeah! Ha! I could lose my beautiful, flowing hair, too, but I'm not buying a wig yet. [his hair suddenly falls out]
JJim
Well, while you go wig shopping, I'm gonna go talk to Mr. Krabs. [Walks into Mr. Krabs' office] Hey, Mr. Krabs, you gotta second?
KMr. Krabs
Anything for you, Jimmy, me boy. Cop a squat and lay your wreck and tell me what's on your wig, Jim.
JJim
Cut the gas, Krabs, and dig this: I've been bustin' my conk for you. You better lay on some extra gravy, or I'm going to agitate the gravel.
JJim
You know, lay a patch.
JJim
Give me a raise, or I'm quitting!
KMr. Krabs
A raise? That's not in my "Hiptionary." Help me get with it, Jack.
JJim
Stop talking like that!
KMr. Krabs
These sideburns aren't real. [rips them off]
JJim
I need more money in my paycheck at the end of every week! Capiche?!?
[Mr. Krabs laughs hysterically; Jim leaves in a huff]
My hair! My beautiful hair! My hair! My hair!
[Flashback ends; Mr. Krabs is still laughing]
KMr. Krabs
Aye, it's still as funny today as it was then. [sighs]
[Squidward is outside still crying over his hair loss]
KMr. Krabs
You see, SpongeBob, you've got one quality Jim will never have: You're cheap.
Wow! I never thought about it that way!
No! No, I didn't! It was SpongeBob! He's infected the entire Krusty Krab!
[Everybody growls and screams]
UFUnknown Fish
Let us apprehend that careless contaminator!
[All the fish attack SpongeBob, who starts crying, making a huge puddle in his bubble. Outside the Krusty Krab, Gary slithers into the dumpster and eats a can, which he coughs up. His stomach growls as he slithers out]
Meow. [sees SpongeBob inside getting attacked by the Krusty Krab fish]
[crying] Ohhhh, noo! [the fish body slam SpongeBob's bubble, which make holes that the Ick leaks through] Stop! You're pushing out more of the Ick! [the unknown fish the other fish make a final body slam] No!
[All the fish slam into it, and it pops, splattering Fungus all over the Krusty Krab]
KMr. Krabs
[laughing] Oh, stop it! You're tickling me, Squidward!
Gary B. Snail! Don't you know it's impolite to feed off of other people without permission?
[We see Gary clean the Ick off of Mr. Krabs]
KMr. Krabs
He's just doing his job, SpongeBob! He's a bottomfeeder, remember? See? The little feller licked me clean! I'm cured and he'll clean the Ick off any surface...even Squid!
[Gary sucks the fungi off Squidward, next]
MSMartha Smith
Where are your manners? It's ladies first!
I believe the expression is starfish first.
UFUnknown Fish
I supersede all of you! For I have an exotic accent.
KMr. Krabs
Hey, hey, hey! There's no need to fight! Cause I have a solution I'll be happy with. [later...] Step up to be de-Icked! Only $5! [the first fish steps up, and Gary cleans him] Now can I get you a Krabby Patty?
UFUnknown Fish
[whacks Mr. Krabs with his glove] In the light of today's events, that notion is crass and offensive. [pulls out money] I'll take 2, please.
[gives Mr. Krabs the money] Here you go, Mr. Krabs!
KMr. Krabs
Another $5 for another de-Icking.
[Gary cleans SpongeBob off]
Look, Gary! You made me all sparkly! You're the best bottom feeder a sponge could ever have!
KMr. Krabs
Aye, and a great money maker ya are, too. Now, back to work!
[burps loudly then he realizes is full, and then smiles] Meow.
SpongeBob at the Krusty Krab? Wait a minute, if he's living here, than that means he won't be living next to me! [falling gently] Hoooo. [lands in what appears to be flowers and making a angel formation] Ha, ha, ha! Ha, ha, ha! [the "flowers" turn out to be pots and pans, Mr. Krabs watches in confusion from the fry cook window]
KMr. Krabs
[to himself] Hmm, there must be a full moon.
Oh, how cold does Krabs keep this place, anyway? [looks at the thermostat which displays 62°F] 62 degrees?! Oh, that cheapskate! I'm gonna set it to a toasty 63. [he sets the thermostat to 63; an alarm goes off] Huh?!
KMr. Krabs
[hears the alarm, busts down the door] WHO TOUCHED ME THERMOSTAT?!?!?!?!?!
[all point to Squidward]
Oh, thanks a-- [Mr. Krabs pulls him away]
You're welcome, Squidward.
KMr. Krabs
Mr. Squidward, you're always goin' on about your book club. Read this!
[reading sign] "Do not touch thermostat ever".
[Mr. Krabs sets it back]
KMr. Krabs
Heat costs money! There are two ways to get on my bad side, boys. I don't like kids playin' in me yard, and nobody but me touches me thermostat!
Yeah! Your yard is really fun! There are kids playing on it right now!
KMr. Krabs
What?! [sees kids on his front yard] Hey, you kids get off of my lawn!
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
