Mr. Krabs quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

What does yours say, Plankton?

Um...Oh, yes. "Discuss the secret formula for the Krabby Patty." [the card actually reads, "Where are you from?"] Ahem...How interesting.

Nice try, Plankton.

[to a whimpering SpongeBob] SpongeBob! What's wrong?

SpongeBob

I don't know, Mr. Krabs. But I've got the strangest feeling that somewhere a pirate and a parrot are arguing about me...[close up on his scared face] and the parrot is winning!

Need some change?

Squidward

[exhausted] No.

What? Why?

Squidward

Because I'm all out of money!

Hey, Carl, what have ya done with me restaurant?! Processed Krabby Patties? Computerized registers?!

Look around you. Our customers are quite content with the contrived, and the mediocre. [customer falls asleep, snoring]

That's because they don't know what they're eating. [grabs a pile of the gray sludge from the Krabby Patty making machine in the kitchen, then walks up to a customer] 'Scuse me, ma'am. Do you know what's in that Krabby Patty you're eatin'?

No.

See that? Without all your smoke and mirrors, no one would stomach this garbage!

What'd he say? Garbage?

[annoyed] Eugene, you're in violation of your contract.

Rules! Here's a rule for ya: people can't eat stain glass barstools! [throws barstool into the big screen TV out of rage and takes the cash register to the kitchen] I'll show you automated! [runs off to the kitchen]

[calls on his walkie-talkie] Mr. Blandy? Code red! Free thinker!

Mr. Krabs, is there a problem here?

You better believe there's a problem! I used to kiss the ground ya walked on, Blandy! But after seein' this, I wouldn't even spit in your direction! Krabby Patties are supposed to be made by hand, one at a time!

Not on a conveyor belt!

Oh my...

Does this mean I won't get that raise, sir?

[he looks at the restaurant which is destroyed by the gray meat] It's ruined!

We'll have to sell it. We'll be lucky if we get a fraction of what we paid for it. [Mr. Krabs drives up with boat full of suitcases]

I'll buy it for full price!

Sold. We won't need your contract anymore. [rips off the contract] Nice doing business with you.

Pleasure's all mine. Now get out of me restaurant. [laughs while Howard Blandy and his friends walk away sadly in humiliation, leaving SpongeBob and Squidward] Well, we did it, boys. [puts the hats on them] The Krusty Krab is ours again. Ya know, in that fit of maniacal rage, I may have destroyed the restaurant, scared away all our customers, and forced us into bankruptcy because I returned nearly every penny I sold this stink heap for, but it was all worth it. And, I got back the love of me dear friends.

Squidward

Really, Mr. Krabs?

No, not really. Get back to work! [he hands them Spatula and the Mop. SpongeBob was glad while Squidward was annoyed, leaving Mr. Krabs, who now pushes the key to open the register and ends with dollar signs, ending the episode]

[pulls rose away from his body] Hello, my dear. I must say you look ravishing tonight.

[notices Plankton] Oh, my. You're a tiny thing, but awfully cute. [sits down in a chair that SpongeBob has brought to her] Tell me about yourself.

Well, I'm in the food service business. I'm a bit of a restaurateur. I'm the founder and owner of the Chum Bucket.

Never heard of it.

[points to the Chum Bucket] It's across the street.

Doesn't ring a bell.

Well...

Plankton!

Krabs!

Eugene!

Mommy?

"Mommy"?

SpongeBob

[jumps in the air] SpongeBob!

SpongeBob...!

This delectable creature is your mother?

This no-good conniving chiseler is your date?!

SpongeBob

And this devilishly handsome sponge is your waiter.

SpongeBob!

[barges in the Chum Bucket] You!

Eugene?

I came to warn you, Plankton. Stay away from me mother! I know what you're really up to.

I'm serious, Eugene. I've changed my ways. And all it took was the love of a beautiful woman.

All you like is thieving and conniving. Now, stop trying to get the formula out of me mother!

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about the Krabby Patty formula!

Your mother knows the Krabby Patty formula?

Don't play stupid with me. Of course she does. It's an old Krabs family recipe, and you're not family! [Plankton frowns] I'm telling you for the last time - stay away from me mother. [walks out]

Not family, eh? I can fix that.

$15,000?!

Squidward

You're not going to have a heart attack, are you?

Not at these prices. Forget hotels, this hospital wreck's where the money is.

Patrick

This is a hospital?

Pack your bags, boys, you're going to medical school.

Hooray!

Squidward

Oh, boy.

Pearl

[approaches Mr. Krabs] Tell me you've got something totally coral planned for my birthday party.

Now, now, don't snap your mizzenmast. Everything is all set. Why, I've already got the party favors, bubble wrap! [pops the bubble wrap] This year's gonna be a blast!

Pearl

Daddy! You've ruined all my birthday parties, but you better not ruin this one. Now promise me you won't be cheap!

[gulps] I promise.

Pearl

Good, because I made a list. [list rolls out of the Krusty Krab and down the road. Mr Krabs rolls it up] Now I want everything on this list at my party. [kisses her father and runs out] Bye! I'll be at the mall with my friends.

Pearl

Wait, don't leave! My dad got Boys Who Cry to play! You did get Boys Who Cry, right? [glaring crossed-arms at her dad]

Oh, even better, sweetie. (You're not only the Boys Who Cry fan.) Hit it!

Squidward

Hello, ladies. [sings "It's all about you"]' When my tear ducts get issue, I can't use just any tissue... I need 4-Ply, 4-Ply, 4-Ply, when I cry... Huh!

Hey, that is not Boys Who Cry!

Yeah!

Boo!

What a rip-off!

This stinks!

Pearl

Daddy, how could you?! I... gave... you... a list! [runs out crying]

Pearl, come back!

Pearl

You've ruined everything! You couldn't stop being cheap, even for me! [cries]

I'll make it up to you somehow, Pearl.

SpongeBob

[suddenly walks into frame] That's it! Back it up... Right there. Let 'er go!

Pearl

You bought me a boat?

I did? I mean... I (really) did!?

Wow.

Pearl

Oh, daddy! I don't know how it could get better than this.

SpongeBob

Just watch. Hit it, boys.

[shocked] Monster Krabby Patty?

Monster Krabby Patty?

Monster Krabby Patty?

Well, we better get back to work.

Spongebob

Work? How can I go back to work without Spat?!

Use another spatular.

Spongebob

[shocked with spinning spiral eyes] What?! There is only one spatula for me, and that is Spat. Spat, wait up! Spat! [runs off to the hospital] I'm coming, Spat! [scene cuts to the hospital where SpongeBob is by Spatula's bed] Oh, Spat, we've been through so much together.

There's no easy way to say this. SpongeBob, if I were you, I would give serious consideration to start thinking about...a replacement spatula. [SpongeBob turns around and starts to cry, then turns back around] Go home. Get some rest. We'll try to do everything we can.

Spongebob

Thank you, Doctor.

Oh, I'm not a doctor. I'm an actor who's searching for a role. Yes! Woohoo! I am so totally gonna get this part. [sighs happily]

[upon learning about wishing wells] You mean suckers throw money down a well for fun? That's the greatest scam ever!

Harold

Can we have our quarter back now?

You'll never get me to believe in magic, never! Just to prove it to ya, I'll demonstrate. [dropping a penny in the well] I wish I was steamed and served with a side of melted butter! [laughs]

SpongeBob

Mr. Krabs, NOOOOOOO!!!!!!!

Well, where's your magic now? [disappears into thin air and appears as a real steamed crab on a plate] Oh... where am I? What's going on here? [A person behind him lays out melted butter and puts on a bib reading "THE END"] Uh-oh. I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! I do believe in magic! Oh, no!

Exactly! They've all been just attempts. And every single one a miserable failure. I can feel my arteries clogging up with anxiety just thinking about it. [sighs] Let me show you something. [scene cuts to them walking into the Chum Bucket, which is full of spider webs] Look at this place!

[runs into a spider web and screams] Criminy, Plankton, you ever heard of spring cleaning?

What's the point? Do you know when the last time I had a customer was?

Actually, I don't recall you ever having a customer.

Well, there he is. [points to rat skeleton on the table] That's why I've decided to quit the restaurant business altogether, and turn the Chum Bucket into... [pulls out a box of knick knacks] this!

Ah. A clean snow globe is a happy snow globe. [laughs]

Plankton! You may have fooled everyone else, you might have even fooled yourself, but you ain't fooling me.

Oh, I get it. You caught me red-handed. [laughs then sighs] Those were the days, huh, Eugene?

Grr...

But I found there more to life than just trying to steal your formula. And I found it all right here in novelty items.

Bubkes.

Ah, Eugene. Stuck in your old ways.

Bubkes! If there's one thing certain in this world, it's that you can't resist me formula. [takes out the formula] You know you want it.

Thanks...but no.

A-ha, I knew it. [chuckles] It was all a trick to get me to hand over...Wait, did you say no?

Well, if you don't believe me, that's your problem not mine.

Problem?! I don't have a problem! You're the one with the problem! Look at this. It means nothing. It's all a facade, a hoax, a con, a front... [throws a shelf down; Plankton gasps] ...A sham, a snow job... [throwing the snow globes onto the ground and breaking them] ...Bologna with a side of flimflam and an order of Jive! [smashes the lava lamps with the baseball bat] See?! Who's the one with the problem?!

Look what you've done. This is my livelihood.

Sure it is. And this isn't the formula that you don't want. Come on, eh? Eh? Oop, too slow. [chuckles tauntingly]

[lividly bellowing] Get out!

[gasps] Oh, I get it. Stick to your guns, and eventually we'll all believe it. Soften us up and when our backs are turned, you'll make your move. [drops the formula] Oops. [walks out of the Chumporium]

What's this? [groans] Hey, Krabs!

I knew you'd come back.

You forgot something. [throws the formula back at Mr. Krabs] Can't you understand I've wasted so much time chasing after you? And now I have something that's mine. And it makes me happy. [walks back into the Chumporium]

[realizing that Plankton was telling the truth] I never thought I'd see the day. What happened to the invertebrate I used to know? [becoming upset] Plankton? [cries loudly, he runs across the road and falls down crying some more]