Squidward quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Squidward

Fellow sponge sufferers, the 431st "We Hate SpongeBob" club will now come to order. [bangs the gavel] And now, our motto.

[raising one hand] We don't mean SpongeBob any harm. We just can't stand him.

Squidward

Does anyone have any new sponge pain they would like to share? [The members stick their hands out, all talking over each other]

Mrs. Puff

How much time do you have?

I do!

Bubble Bass

Oh, yes. I do.

I have to unwrap my package of pain!

Squidward

Huh? [the members retract their hands as Squidward motions for them to stop] Hold that agony. [looks to his right to see SpongeBob at the window]

SpongeBob

Hello, Squidward!

Squidward

[grunts, pulls the window blinds down, then faces the group] Proceed.

[Walks up to SpongeBob and Squidward and blows a raspberry] Hey! [Blows a raspberry] You're those weirdos that have been [blows a raspberry] chasing me around town. [blows a raspberry.]

Squidward

Why were you waving at us and then running away?

Huh? [blows a raspberry] I can't [blows a raspberry] understand your accent. [blows a raspberry]

SpongeBob

I'll handle this, Squidward. I speak fluid Rock Bottom-ish. Why [blows a raspberry] were you [blows a raspberry] waving at us? [blows a raspberry]

I wasn't [blows a raspberry] waving at you. [blows a raspberry] I was [blows a raspberry] drying out my armpits. [SpongeBob holds up a fresh Krabby Patty to him and he gasps. He smells it and becomes surprised.]

SpongeBob

We just wanted to [blows a raspberry] sell you a hot [blows a raspberry] delicious Krabby Patty. [blows a raspberry]

It does look [blows a raspberry] tasty.

We're gonna sell a patty. [both blow raspberries. A large bus drives in and knocks away their food truck.] Huh? [Several Rock Bottomites walk off the bus while blowing raspberries. They go into the Rock Bottom cemetery, jump into coffins, and close them. Several clowns also walk off the bus and enter the circus while blowing raspberries. They walk into a small clown car which then drives away.]

[walks off the bus] Hey, Bert. [blows a raspberry] Too bad you couldn't [blows a raspberry] come with us on our yearly trip to the [blows a raspberry] Krusty Krab, [blows a raspberry] but here's your Krabby Patty. [He blows a raspberry and hands a Krabby Patty to Incidental 211]

Thanks, Frank. [blows a raspberry] But you know how long these pits take to dry. [blows a raspberry] Sorry, fellas. [blows a raspberry] I'd love to buy a patty from ya, but I already have a whole bag. [He eats the patty. SpongeBob and Squidward groan and melt.]

Okay everybody, say "I love my family."

Squidward

[as Patrick continues crying] I'd rather not.

[aggressively] Say it!

[elatedly and monotonously, respectively] I love my family. [As the picture is being taken, SpongeBob hugs Squidward, Squidward grunts, and Patrick cheers happily. The photo prints out to be live action versions of the trio. Bubble wipe to the next scene with passengers getting on the plane.]

Patrick

[sits on Squidward] I think you're on my seat, pop.

SpongeBob

And I'll take the isle! [laughs]

Daddy's in the middle!

Squidward

Oh, no! I am not suffering a whole flight between you two barnacle brains! At least give me the aisle. [he switches seats with SpongeBob]

Squidward

Biting my begonias, eh? Not on my watch. [laughs]

[walks up to Squidward] Mailman! [Startled, Squidward turns around, screams and sprays Mailman's eyes. They become red and he screams as he hands Squidward some mail, promptly walking away.]

Squidward

Oh, a letter. Uh, thank you. [Squidward takes a closer look at the letter, seeing the name Nosferatu written on it.] Nosferatu!? [thunder roars] Huh, what? [sighs] I got his mail by mistake, again! [grumbles as he walks toward his trash can] I'll just file that in here! [Squidward opens the trash lid, revealing SpongeBob inside. Squidward shoves the letter in SpongeBob's mouth, closes the lid, and walks away laughing.] Huh!? [Squidward turns around and opens the lid again, with SpongeBob inside. He speaks, but his mouth is full.] SpongeBob?[SpongeBob talks more with his mouth full, until Squidward pulls the letter out of his mouth.] What are you doing in my garbage?[SpongeBob lifts up Squidward's nose and puts a bucket on it. He gets on Squidward's shoulders and puts a mop in the bucket, before taking it out and raising it in the air.]

SpongeBob

Spring cleaning! But Squidward, [bucket falls off of Squidward's nose] for shame. You can't just throw out [throws a mop in the air] the mail of Nosferatu! [thunder roars]

[stopping in front of them] Don't go to the castle! Don't go to the castle! Don't go-- [gets run over by a skeleton horse pulling a carriage, Creepy coachman pats carriage, opening stairs which crush the inkeeper]

Squidward

Ah! Well, a coach to the castle. How elegant. [walks forward, then SpongeBob follows] Step lively, SpongeBob.[Squidward enters the carriage, and SpongeBob puts the mail bag in the back. SpongeBob enters as well, and the steps are lifted. SpongeBob looks at the innkeeper.]

[lifting head up, injured] The castle!

SpongeBob

Aw. [holds Krabby Patty] Looks like someone could use a Krabby Patty. [feeds innkeeper patty, moving his mouth to chew it Innkeeper weakly gives thumbs up The carriage moves onward to Nosferatu's castle. SpongeBob and Squidward move from side to side in the carriage, bumping into the walls, as it moves across the sharp corners. They then go around some curves, making SpongeBob and Squidward move in the carriage again.]

SpongeBob

[spinning in air] Whoo! Whoo! [SpongeBob and Squidward's body parts move all over the place in the carriage like pinballs as it continues moving forward. They finally arrive at the castle, and Squidward falls out of the carriage in pieces.]

Squidward

[standing up] We're taking the bus on the way home! [inhales and sucks his nose back in, SpongeBob tosses the mail bag directly onto Squidward, which floats in place] Huh? Hmm. [SpongeBob gets off the carriage, and the creepy coachman hisses at them as he leaves. The carriage turns into a bat and flies away. The mail bag crushes SpongeBob and Squidward, to which Squidward gets out from it and knocks on the door with the door decoration.] Hello, Nosferatu? [lightning crashes, looks around] Hmm. [walks away] Well, looks like nobody's home. [door opens] Of course. [Squidward peeks inside to reveal the interior of Nosferatu's castle, which causes some jellyfish bats to fly away.] Hello? [hesitantly walks inside] We're just here to drop off your mail.

SpongeBob

[almost falling on Squidward] Whoa! [Squidward shoves him]

Squidward

[lightning crashes, causing him to scream and grab onto the mail bag] What's happening?

Slappy

I am sorry master. [kisses Nosferatu's hand] It won't happen again. [continues kissing Nosferatu's hand]

Squidward

[disgusted] Ew. We'll let ourselves out.

SpongeBob

[being dragged by Squidward, still with rearranged body parts] Aw, I don't want to leave. Boo!

[lightning crashes] Ah!

Slappy

[closing door with face] Oh, you can't leave due to inclement weather.

SpongeBob

We can't leave yet. Yay!

Slappy

[pops out of platter] Oh, I can help you decide. [laughs, opening platters] We have roasted werewolf teeth, pickled demon beards, fried mummy fingers, and [head opens to reveal his brain] brains tartare. [Squidward gags and throws up off-screen]

SpongeBob

Ooh, don't mind if I do-- [reaches for Slappy's head as it closes] oh. [laughs]

Slappy

Or, maybe you would like something sinfully succulent. [opens platter to reveal a Carpathian cheese ball]

Squidward

Ooh, a Carpathian cheese ball. [tries to dip cookie into the cheese ball, which turns into several spiders]

Slappy

Uh, eh. Whoopsie! That's my dinner. [holds eating utensils, runs after spiders off-screen] Come to daddy!

SpongeBob

Ooh.[Squidward breaks cookie, winces] [waving mummy finger] Oh, you've got to try these mummy fingers, Squidward. [takes bite out of mummy finger] So delicious. Nosferatu, you simply must give me the recipe.

Squidward

[yelling] Will you go night night time already?

SpongeBob

[noticing Nosferatu] Nosferatu? [lights flicker]

Squidward

Why are you sticking out of the wall like that?

Squidward

[running with SpongeBob] I can't believe Nosferatu tried to bite me! He's a real life v-v-vampire!

SpongeBob

He's gonna suck our blood! [sobs]

Squidward

There's got to be a way out of this castle!

Slappy

[slithering in front of them] I can show you a way out. [laughs while holding battle ax, SpongeBob and Squidward wear gas masks as Squidward shoots sleepy gas onto Slappy. suddenly tired] Slappy sleepy. [falls to ground]

Squidward

[tosses gas equipment] Let's try these doors. [opens door to reveal scary monsters on the other side, SpongeBob and Squidward scream and run away, Squidward opens another door to reveal a skull with flaming eyes. They both scream. Squidward opens another door to reveal some live-action sushi and both scream. They begin running on a conveyor belt and look behind them to see a mutant gorilla running after them.]

Gorilla monster! [scream]

Squidward

Quick, [points] down the laundry chute! [They both dive into the laundry chute. The gorilla falls on its face and crashes off-screen.]

SpongeBob

[he and Squidward slide down a slide] Whoa! [both end up in a laundry basket wearing vampire outfits, and scream at each other]

Squidward

[pointing to coffin] It's a vampire's coffin! [holds onto SpongeBob and whimpers, Five coffins rise from underneath the sand and start dancing around SpongeBob and Squidward. The coffins spin around and vampire fish come out of them.]

Nosferatu two-step! [close their coffins and enter the sand again]

Squidward

End of another 18-hour shift of misery.

Oh, ahoy there! [closes the doors of the Krusty Krab and walks over to SpongeBob and Squidward] And what do you two have planned for this weekend?

SpongeBob

I'm polishing Gary's shell! [SpongeBob's face turns into a polisher and he uses it on Squidward]

Squidward

Well I'm going to a post-post-pre-modern unconstructivist dance performance! [dances as red, blue, and yellow lights flash quickly behind him]

[narrows eyes] Uh, well, that's uh, fascinating...

Squidward

All right, now bend it into a boat shape. [both bend plank into arch, brushes plank before it launches him into the air] D'oh! [lands in the distance, Bubble transition to SpongeBob tickling a plank.]

SpongeBob

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Squidward

SpongeBob, wood planks are not-- [Wood plank grows a face and laughs, forms an arch] Ticklish. [gets hit with plank, lands in the distance, and gets crushed by an anchor]

Hmm, a little off the beam. Hmm... Hmm, [holds two white paint buckets] I know! All she needs is a nice, shiny coat of paint. [tosses white paint onto the ship, turning it into a proper ship] [looking at sign on ship that says "S.S. SEA-SCRET FORMULA"] The S.S. Sea-cret Formula is ready to set sail... [pointing] as soon as you two drag her into the lagoon. [Mr. Krabs stands on the front of the ship as SpongeBob and Squidward use strings to pull the ship across the beach, where the beachgoers are watching them.] Mush!

[seeing giant shadow above] Huh?[They all get washed over by a giant wave, which miraculously sets the ship afloat. Mr. Krabs uses a hook to pull Squidward onto the ship, who gasps like a fish.]

Squidward

[sitting in lounge chair] Well, at least this weekend isn't a total waste.

Squidward

[giving Patrick his tray] Your order.

Patrick

At ease, sailor. [puts on snorkel and drinks through it as he walks off]

Petunia

[takes away the KK's flowers, one by one] Pardon me, huh? Pardon me, huh? Pardon me, huh? Pardon me, huh?

Squidward

Huh-m..Ohh-aaahhhh.... [looks love-smittenly at Petunia]

Petunia

[enter's SpongeBob's workplace] Pardon me, huhhhhh?

SpongeBob

Don't forget this! [holds it and points his spatula at a bomb]

Petunia

[grabs away bomb] I'll just freshen these florets and bring them right back, huh-huh? [rips away flowers and runs to defuse them]

[quietly talks to Squidward] I wonder what's wrong with Petunia.

Squidward

Huh? Nothing's wrong with her! She's a perfectionist, like me! [hops onto his cashier stand] I'm in love with her, and I can't keep it a secret any longer! [rips open his shirt and runs to the Flower Pot] Petunia! [quietly laughs]

Petunia

[gasps as she runs to the pot] I've got exactly one minute to defuse these bombs-

Squidward

[disrupts Petunia's escapades and is seen standing at the Pot] I picked this begonia from my own flower garden, huh? [blinks cutely]

Petunia

Oooh, that's a nice one, but I can't right now Mr. Tentacles, please step aside! Mmmm.... [grunts as she holds the bomb]

Squidward

[holds out the begonia ring] Petunia the florist, will you ma- [Petunia explodes in Squidward's face, leaving him charred and stunned] Huh-huh?! [The begonia ring disintegrates into dust.]

You loopy, lovesick lummox! You sabotaged my whole plan! [Squidward groans in embarrassment, walks off, and rubs out a pile of sand over himself to make it look like a grave. A new flower pops up while doing so.] Woah! [spits and hops out of Petunia] Uh-oh... [A crowd angrily surrounds Plankton.]

[growls] Not only did you play with Squidward's heart- [scene cuts to a sand-covered Squidward] but ya cost me twenty-four bouquets! I say we step on 'im!

Yeah! [subsequent angry noises]

Oopsy-daisy, huh?

SpongeBob

[picks up Plankton with his shoe and cries happily] Petunia was very nice but I'm so glad you're back, Plankton.

Thanks, Sponge-Boob. You've given me the greatest gift I could ever ask for - just enough time to do this! [The Flower Pot transforms back into the Chum Bucket.]

Karen

[grabs Plankton back into the Chum Bucket] Let's go, buttercup.

Toodle-loo! [evilly laughs] No more flowers! It's back to the secret formula to me! [laughs again, but a spiked shoe flies at him] My iris!

[throw out objects and make angry noises, although SpongeBob seems to avoid committing to any violence, Laser guns pop out of the Chum Bucket.]

[lasers are shot in their direction] Ahhhhh!

I'm back, baby - huh?

[looks at watch] You two have ten hours. [SpongeBob keeps marching in the background] And since you're the artistic type, you get to design it.

Squidward

[excited] Design? Okay! [skeptical] Wait, what's the budget?

Well, that's the best part! [pinches claws together] Zero budget! You get to be creative and use your imagerination.

SpongeBob

[waves his broom over Squidward's head, creating a rainbow] Imagination! [rainbow falls on Squidward, turning him rainbow, and he shakes it off in frustration]

[laughs] Can't wait to see your masterpiece. [walks away] Have fun, you two. [laughs]

Boy, after seeing this float, everyone will rush to the Krusty Krab! How ya set up with those [points down] expired fries, boy-o?

SpongeBob

[takes out baskets] Good and greasy, boss! [puts baskets in grease]

Ready, Mr. Squidward?

Squidward

[squished inside the patty] No, I'm not! I can't see a thing with SpongeBob in front of me!

Excellent! It's our turn. Let's move it out! [The float crashes through the "Parade Start" banner. Bubble transition to the float for Larry's Gym moving past. Two strong fish are lifting weights.]

Perch

Next up we have the Beefy Bros from Larry's Gym. Whoa, look at those meatheads pump iron.[Larry lifts up the float and laughs] That's some impressive muscle hustle![An inflated Mrs. Puff floats down the street, being carried by kids in small boats.]

Perch

And here comes Mrs. Puff. Oh, as her own balloon!

Ice Cream King

Whoa, I want that balloon![Patrick's rock slides past, making a scraping sound.]

Perch

Patrick's rock is one float that doesn't float.

Aah! [covers their ears, Bubble Bass gestures on top of the Invisible Boatmobile with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy.]

Perch

Oh, looks like Bubble Bass has hitched a ride with Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy. And what's this? [Fred rides by in a float of his leg.] Not to be outdone, it's Fred in his incredible My Leg Mobile.

Fred

My leg! My leg! I'm in my leg!

Ice Cream King

[sniffs and inhales Perch's hair] I smell grease!

Perch

Oh, that's not me you're smelling, King!