SquidwardHello? [the door slams itself shut, leaving Squidward locked outside. Squidward tries to open it to go back in, but it wouldn't budge. The lights turn on. Squidward turns around and finds himself in a haunted themed area made by Patrick himself. He whimpers] I've lost it. I can't tell what's real anymore! [Patrick scares Squidward with a toy worm and a toy snail under his feet. The toy snail makes Squidward flip over and fall on the ground]
Boo! I'm a haunted tablecloth! [swings over Squidward with a tablecloth over his body; Squidward screams a sprays more ink out from his nose. The ink fills several cups, pitchers, bowls, and pails laid out by Patrick. Patrick swings himself into a wall and laughs. Squidward runs up the stairs while spraying ink in more cups and bowls laid out by Patrick. He runs into a spooky baby's room with creepy music playing in the background]
Squidward
Not creepy nursery rhyme music! [Squidward hears a creaking sound in the crib behind him. He looks in the crib and sees Patrick wearing a creepy baby costume while having a nose similar to Squidward's]
Dada! [Squidward screams and sprays more ink out from his nose into the crib. Squidward runs out through the window. Patrick puts the sucker back on the baby bottle filled with ink] Thank you, Daddy!
Squidward
[falls to the ground and sees a spooky but crudely version of the Krusty Krab in front of him.] The Krusty Krab? How did I wind up here? I don't think I want to go in. [a newspaper falls on him; he gasps as he reads it] This newspaper is dated 60 years into the future. [The conveyor belt underneath him moves and it takes him inside. Squidward covers his eyes] I can't look! I'm afraid to see. Please, no. [looks up and sees a puppet version of his old futuristic self in his workstation]
PSPuppet Squidward
May I help you, young man?
[Squidward's nose becomes a faucet and he screams the ink out of himself. Patrick, who is operating the old Squidward puppet, watches down happily. Squidward has had enough of the haunted area and goes to run away. He runs out of the haunted area and bumps into Don the Whale at the lemonade stand]
Squidward, if you want to buy some black lemonade, you'll have to get in the back of the line.
[SpongeBob laughs as the cart falls through the floor. The Flying Dutchman leans over to hear. SpongeBob's laughter hits him hard again]
How can he still be laughing? I've never been so humiliated. I got to do something here.
Boy, Patrick, I wish all our friends could be here. They'd love this place! [laughs]
Friends! He's got friends. That's it! I know how to scare this guy. [laughs evilly as he unleashes his ghostly mist down from his ship into Bikini Bottom]
[gives candy to several trick-or-treaters] Happy Halloween! [the ghostly mist surrounds her and takes her soul from her body] What in Fort Worth...?
[Several trick-or-treaters run up to Mr. Krabs and Squidward, who are handing out candy]
TOTrick-Or-Treaters
Trick or treat!
[Suddenly, the Flying Dutchman's ghostly mist surrounds them and takes their souls from their bodies]
Squidward
Huh? Oh! [screams]
[The souls of Sandy, Mr. Krabs, and Squidward are being lifted in the air by the ghostly mist]
[The trick-or-treaters laugh and throw eggs and toilet paper at Squidward and Mr. Krabs' motionless bodies. Mr. Krabs growls in anger. Back inside the Flying Dutchman's ship, SpongeBob and Patrick are still riding the cart. Patrick is still afraid while SpongeBob continues to laugh, still thinking it's funny. SpongeBob stops laughing and sighs]
[her soul is in one of the Flying Dutchman's cages] SpongeBob! Patrick! Help me!!!
[laughs] That almost looks like Sandy! [laughs]
[his and Plankton's souls are in two of the Flying Dutchman's cages] SpongeBob!
Squidward
[his soul and Gary's are in two other cages] Help us!!!
[laughs] That almost looked like Mr. Krabs and Squidward and Gary and Plankton! [giggles] Funny! Oh, Patrick, this is hysterical! [laughs] Why aren't you laughing? [giggles until he notices Patrick's motionless body] Patrick, what's wrong with you?
[his soul suddenly appears in one of the Flying Dutchman's cages] Help me, SpongeBob! My body's butt itches!
Patrick, is this really happening? Hey, this isn't funny.
I was wrong, SpongeBob. Sometimes, scary equals scary!
[screams at Patrick's motionless body] Hm? [pulls out his chalkboard, erases the word "funny," and replaces it with "AHHH!"] Yup. I got the same answer. Scary equals "AHHHHH!!!".
Success! I knew that would get him!
[SpongeBob is finally convinced that scary doesn't equal funny at all and screams in terror. His skeleton tears itself out of his body and runs off. SpongeBob's skin and skeleton run out of the ship. SpongeBob's skeleton and skin fall to the ground and attempt to run]
SSSpongeBob's Skeleton
That's the scariest thing I ever saw in my life!
SSSpongeBob's Skin
Me too! But we gotta go back.
SSSpongeBob's Skeleton
Go back?! Are you nuts?!
SSSpongeBob's Skin
Show a little backbone! We gotta save our friends!
SSSpongeBob's Skeleton
Oh, you're right, but I'm still scared. Will you hold my hand?
SSSpongeBob's Skin
Deal! [they both go back together and SpongeBob heads back to rescue his friends]
Squidward
SpongeBob, what is your stop, so I can take you there right now?!
[steps on other people's heads while heading to the driver seat] Oh, I don't have a stop. Today is my bus riding day, the day I just pick a bus and ride it all day. [lays on Squidward's head]
Squidward
There's only one thing I can think of that could be worse. [screams as he sees Patrick waving at a bus stop] Augh! And that's it! [drives the bus to pass Patrick, which makes him drill himself into the sand] Phew. I dodged that one. Heh-heh. [sees Patrick at another bus stop; he turns the wheel and flips the bus over Patrick; he continues to drive] Phew. That was close.
[appears next to Squidward] It sure was. I almost didn't catch this bus.
[Squidward is completely overwhelmed and turns his head in anger.]
Eeeee... Patrick! Wow! We're both on the same bus on our Just Riding Around On The Bus Day! What are the odds?
[Squidward's eyes spin like a slot machine. His eyes stop with a laughing SpongeBob and Patrick on them.]
Squidward
Yes, what are the odds?
[The scene changes to the police lady arresting Squidward for breaking into the museum and vandalizing artwork. SpongeBob hangs up Squidward's painting on the wall.]
Squidward
Hmm?
There! Back where you belong. [leaves]
Squidward
[mumbles] It's beautiful!
You actually like that eyesore?
Squidward
Why, it's the greatest painting I've ever seen... hanging in the museum! [laughs like a crazed maniac]
[creeped out by Squidward's crazed laughter] Okay, that's enough, weirdo. [takes Squidward away so she can turn him in for his crimes]
[Squidward's painting comes to life as its frown turns into a smile, thus ending the episode.]
[cool voice] Hey, cool crowd. What's shaking? Oh, yeah. [enters the lounge] Hey, hipsters. It's groovy, cats. Oh, I can dig it. [One patron squeals happily and melts. SpongeBob slides across the floor just as the lounge's Maître D' shows up.]
Maître D': Oh, welcome, man. You're the coolest customer we've ever had.
[cool voice] Oh, crazy, Daddy. Crazy. [pinches his cheek]
Maître D': Can I seat you at the coolest table? [points to the coolest table with all the cool people in it]
[cool voice] No, thank you. I'm here to meet up with a real cool cat. Oh, there he his. Hey, Squideroonie!
[Squidward struggles to get his foot out of the chair, but falls over.]
Maître D': [deeply shocked] You're with him?
Squidward
[crawls over to SpongeBob] Yes, you're with me. And he is my— best... [twitches his eye and struggles to say "friend"] friend...
[cool voice] You heard the man, folks. He's my best friend. Can you dig it? [snaps his fingers]
Maître D': [confused] Huh? [Everyone snaps their fingers.]
Squidward
Well, now this is very nice indeed [begins the relax on his bed until he melts on the bed to the bathroom tub] Mmm... This is Heaven. [All of a sudden, SpongeBob enters Squidward's room, starts laughing, and exits out.] Hello? [peeks out] Anyone there? Hello? [Squidward shrugs it off and continues relaxing. He then drowns into the tub. Suddenly, Patrick comes from the other side to enter Squidward's room, starts laughing, and exits out.] Hello? Did someone just come in? [Both SpongeBob and Patrick enter Squidward's room until they bump into each other.]
Don't you just love playing Hotel: Slam and Run?
I enjoy it an... [puts his tooth back into his mouth] ...intellectual challenge.
[SpongeBob and Patrick stands up, starts laughing, and both run out of Squidward's room. Squidward peeks from the bathroom with a robe on and a towel on his head.]
Squidward
Alright, I know I heard something in here! Ohh... [rubs his eyes] Maybe I'm just not relaxed enough.
[SpongeBob and Squidward chase after the Mr. Krabs look-alike through random happenings. They chase him on the back of dinosaurs with human heads. Then they chase him through a black and white dimension. SpongeBob drops the patty, but picks it up. They continue to chase the Mr. Krabs look-alike until they finally manage to make it back to their normal dimension.]
SSSpongeBob and Squidward
[see the Krusty Krab] Huh?
It's the Krusty Krab! [he and Squidward enter the restaurant] Hey, Mr. Krabs, thanks for showing us the way out of RandomLand.
[The Mr. Krabs look-alike turns around and reveals himself that he is not Mr. Krabs, but an individual from RandomLand.]
RRodger
Excuse me, I'm not Krabs. The name is Rodger and I walked all the way from 86 Screwball Street to complain about never getting my delivery.
Oh, your delivery, my good man. [Rodger eats the patty with his eyestalk-like hat and smiles] Mission accomplished. Better late than never.
[sobs] Better never! If it's late, [pulls down the menu and points to the delivery notice] it's free! [sobs uncontrollably, pushes the register button with the signs "No Sale" and gets pushed into the kitchen]
[The strange lady creature takes the Krusty Krab bag, blows in it, and pops it, turning the screen white. The worm crawls around as the screen turns black. It forms a second head on its tail and it smiles with the word, "End," appearing in its teeth, ending the episode.]
[Plankton floats into Squidward's bed and possesses it like a puppet. The bed turns green and the box spring turns into Plankton's head. Plankton's eye appears about Squidward. Plankton shakes the bed and chuckles evilly as Squidward begins to wake up.]
Squidward
[screams] Who's there? Ohh, is that you, SpongeBob? [gets up and gets drenched on by green ectoplasm]
[Squidward removes his blindfold and becomes freaked out by the ectoplasm. Suddenly, the box spring forms into a giant mouth and makes an evil laugh. Squidward becomes so scared that his skin turned white. He tries to escape, but Plankton pulled him under the covers. Squidward releases himself from the covers and hides in the drawers.]
[writing down on his clipboard] Oooh. Monster mouth with a bucket of ghost goo—very good marks. [chuckles] Nice haunt, swabby!
Squidward
[comes out of the drawer with his clarinet and pants heavily] Oh, what a terrible nightmare. Oh, thanks for being here, Clarry. You'll keep the monsters away. [inhales and blows horrible music out through his clarinet]
[Squidward's clarinet playing drives Plankton and the Flying Dutchman crazy. Plankton floats over to Squidward and grabs the clarinet.]
Squidward
Clarry!
[Squidward and Plankton get into a tug-o-war with the clarinet. Plankton turns into a ghostly SpongeBob and scares Squidward, whose eyes pop out and scream. Squidward runs out of the drawers and gets hit in the head when he crashed into the ceiling. Squidward falls down to the floor and is knocked out unconscious. Plankton throws the clarinet away and changes back.]
Hey, I picked something up! I can pick things up! [picks up a vase and drops it]
Look at you. You skipped ahead to the last lesson! [pulls out a mallet]
It's okay. You don't have to— [gets hit by the mallet]
[SpongeBob and Squidward are in the cellar of Bubble Bass' home, which is like the game, Three Deadly Challenges]
Wow. A life-size version of the Three Deadly Challenges. Beautiful.
Squidward
Looks like a hobo campground.
No, Squidward. You have to look with your imagination. [waves his hand across the screen, revealing a more fantasy-like landscape]
Squidward
What the? No! [ruins the fantasy landscape with his tentacles] It's a dump!
Thou art two oozing cysts on the hind side of a plague dog's nose.
Squidward
What did he say?
The colorful insults are the best part of the game.
Squidward
That figures. Hmm. [walks to where Bubble Bass is along with SpongeBob] So how do you win this goofball game, anyway?
Since Bubble Bass challenged us, all we have to do is get close enough to tag him out. We get three chances, or should I say three challenges.
Squidward
Oh. [grunts]
Oh, boy! [he and Squidward grab a sword] Look, Squidward! [slashes with a cardboard sword a few times]
Squidward
Oh, this feels stupid. [sighs]
Well, that was fun. Now let's check that thermometer again, shall we?
Squidward
[giving SpongeBob the thermometer] Here you go.
[looks at the thermometer as it quickly rises in temperature, and his eyes turn into thermometers as well. They both explode] Yikes! A fever! Squidward, we gotta cool you off! [puts Squidward into the sink and turns on the sink]
Squidward
Stop!
You're right, you need even colder. [he runs to a tundra, runs up a mountain, enters a cave, and scares a blue sea bear as he comes out with a bucket of ice] Thank you!
Squidward
[gets off the sink, leaving a huge square indent in his butt] Oh boy.
[splashes the cold water onto Squidward] There. All better?
Squidward
[shivering] No, you buffoon!
You're right, Squidward. I have been... buffoon.
Squidward
What?!
I've been treating the symptoms instead of the sickness! [pulls out a saw]
Squidward
Stay away from me with that thing!
But we have to figure out what you have so we can treat it!
Squidward
[sweating] No, um, I already know what I have, it's, uh, acute... uh... spotting, uh, sclorboritis.
[His eyes bulge out] Acute spotting sclorboritis?! I've never heard of that one. [holds out a book] Better look it up. [blows onto the book to remove the dust, which gets into Squidward's nose, making him sneeze multiple times] Oh, you're getting worse! We've gotta find a cure fast! [rapidly flips through pages] I found it. Here it is.
Squidward
[sniffling, snot dripping] You did?
Yup. And the cure seems pretty simple. [he shows the pages to Squidward as a screaming sound effect plays] See?
Squidward
[pushes the book down] Uh, wait, wait, did I say acute spotting sclorboritis? No no no, I must've meant... uh, uh, plerkinton's syndrome.
SpongeBob SquarePants · 1,068 quotes
