Abrasive SpongeBob quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

[Walks up to SpongeBob and Squidward and blows a raspberry] Hey! [Blows a raspberry] You're those weirdos that have been [blows a raspberry] chasing me around town. [blows a raspberry.]

Squidward

Why were you waving at us and then running away?

Huh? [blows a raspberry] I can't [blows a raspberry] understand your accent. [blows a raspberry]

SpongeBob

I'll handle this, Squidward. I speak fluid Rock Bottom-ish. Why [blows a raspberry] were you [blows a raspberry] waving at us? [blows a raspberry]

I wasn't [blows a raspberry] waving at you. [blows a raspberry] I was [blows a raspberry] drying out my armpits. [SpongeBob holds up a fresh Krabby Patty to him and he gasps. He smells it and becomes surprised.]

SpongeBob

We just wanted to [blows a raspberry] sell you a hot [blows a raspberry] delicious Krabby Patty. [blows a raspberry]

It does look [blows a raspberry] tasty.

We're gonna sell a patty. [both blow raspberries. A large bus drives in and knocks away their food truck.] Huh? [Several Rock Bottomites walk off the bus while blowing raspberries. They go into the Rock Bottom cemetery, jump into coffins, and close them. Several clowns also walk off the bus and enter the circus while blowing raspberries. They walk into a small clown car which then drives away.]

[walks off the bus] Hey, Bert. [blows a raspberry] Too bad you couldn't [blows a raspberry] come with us on our yearly trip to the [blows a raspberry] Krusty Krab, [blows a raspberry] but here's your Krabby Patty. [He blows a raspberry and hands a Krabby Patty to Incidental 211]

Thanks, Frank. [blows a raspberry] But you know how long these pits take to dry. [blows a raspberry] Sorry, fellas. [blows a raspberry] I'd love to buy a patty from ya, but I already have a whole bag. [He eats the patty. SpongeBob and Squidward groan and melt.]

Eat him! Eat him!

SpongeBob

[gets an idea] Ooh, I know! I'll try the soothing power of music... [gets out a ukulele with "Love" and a heart symbol written on it and starts playing a tune] Ohhh... [The ukulele strings break off as he uses the pick on a first try] Awww, rats! [The usage of "Awww" triggers the robot and causes him to eat SpongeBob, who falls inside and screams until he lands on his face. He gets his face up off the ground and looks around in confusion. Everyone is cheering upon his arrival]

Yeah, yeah, good boy!

SpongeBob

A surprise party... for me?!

[gets off from underneath SpongeBob and grunts] This isn't a party, you boob.

SpongeBob

Well why did everyone cheer when I showed up?!

Because with you, we can finally reach the emergency escape uvular! [Mr. Krabs points up to the uvular] Alright, let's try it again, people! [Everyone (including the Hook Fish, the goth fish, Mama Bass, Don the Whale, Fred, Tom, Sandy, Larry, Pearl, Mrs. Puff, Squidward, Mr. Krabs, Mutton Chop, Officer Nancy, Patrick Star, The Vetenarian, Reg, Carl, Turtle Girl, Gale Doppler, Green Fish, A Cafeteria Lady, Popeye Fish, Male Mayor Fish, Female Mayor Fish, Lady Upturn, etc.) piles up again]

He can do it! He can do it!

We did it! We escaped!

[shown between Mr. Krabs' butt cheeks] And I got us sent to Glove World! for free. You're wel-come!

Okay everybody, say "I love my family."

Squidward

[as Patrick continues crying] I'd rather not.

[aggressively] Say it!

[elatedly and monotonously, respectively] I love my family. [As the picture is being taken, SpongeBob hugs Squidward, Squidward grunts, and Patrick cheers happily. The photo prints out to be live action versions of the trio. Bubble wipe to the next scene with passengers getting on the plane.]

Patrick

[sits on Squidward] I think you're on my seat, pop.

SpongeBob

And I'll take the isle! [laughs]

Daddy's in the middle!

Squidward

Oh, no! I am not suffering a whole flight between you two barnacle brains! At least give me the aisle. [he switches seats with SpongeBob]

Squidward

Biting my begonias, eh? Not on my watch. [laughs]

[walks up to Squidward] Mailman! [Startled, Squidward turns around, screams and sprays Mailman's eyes. They become red and he screams as he hands Squidward some mail, promptly walking away.]

Squidward

Oh, a letter. Uh, thank you. [Squidward takes a closer look at the letter, seeing the name Nosferatu written on it.] Nosferatu!? [thunder roars] Huh, what? [sighs] I got his mail by mistake, again! [grumbles as he walks toward his trash can] I'll just file that in here! [Squidward opens the trash lid, revealing SpongeBob inside. Squidward shoves the letter in SpongeBob's mouth, closes the lid, and walks away laughing.] Huh!? [Squidward turns around and opens the lid again, with SpongeBob inside. He speaks, but his mouth is full.] SpongeBob?[SpongeBob talks more with his mouth full, until Squidward pulls the letter out of his mouth.] What are you doing in my garbage?[SpongeBob lifts up Squidward's nose and puts a bucket on it. He gets on Squidward's shoulders and puts a mop in the bucket, before taking it out and raising it in the air.]

SpongeBob

Spring cleaning! But Squidward, [bucket falls off of Squidward's nose] for shame. You can't just throw out [throws a mop in the air] the mail of Nosferatu! [thunder roars]

[stopping in front of them] Don't go to the castle! Don't go to the castle! Don't go-- [gets run over by a skeleton horse pulling a carriage, Creepy coachman pats carriage, opening stairs which crush the inkeeper]

Squidward

Ah! Well, a coach to the castle. How elegant. [walks forward, then SpongeBob follows] Step lively, SpongeBob.[Squidward enters the carriage, and SpongeBob puts the mail bag in the back. SpongeBob enters as well, and the steps are lifted. SpongeBob looks at the innkeeper.]

[lifting head up, injured] The castle!

SpongeBob

Aw. [holds Krabby Patty] Looks like someone could use a Krabby Patty. [feeds innkeeper patty, moving his mouth to chew it Innkeeper weakly gives thumbs up The carriage moves onward to Nosferatu's castle. SpongeBob and Squidward move from side to side in the carriage, bumping into the walls, as it moves across the sharp corners. They then go around some curves, making SpongeBob and Squidward move in the carriage again.]

SpongeBob

[spinning in air] Whoo! Whoo! [SpongeBob and Squidward's body parts move all over the place in the carriage like pinballs as it continues moving forward. They finally arrive at the castle, and Squidward falls out of the carriage in pieces.]

Squidward

[standing up] We're taking the bus on the way home! [inhales and sucks his nose back in, SpongeBob tosses the mail bag directly onto Squidward, which floats in place] Huh? Hmm. [SpongeBob gets off the carriage, and the creepy coachman hisses at them as he leaves. The carriage turns into a bat and flies away. The mail bag crushes SpongeBob and Squidward, to which Squidward gets out from it and knocks on the door with the door decoration.] Hello, Nosferatu? [lightning crashes, looks around] Hmm. [walks away] Well, looks like nobody's home. [door opens] Of course. [Squidward peeks inside to reveal the interior of Nosferatu's castle, which causes some jellyfish bats to fly away.] Hello? [hesitantly walks inside] We're just here to drop off your mail.

SpongeBob

[almost falling on Squidward] Whoa! [Squidward shoves him]

Squidward

[lightning crashes, causing him to scream and grab onto the mail bag] What's happening?

Slappy

I am sorry master. [kisses Nosferatu's hand] It won't happen again. [continues kissing Nosferatu's hand]

Squidward

[disgusted] Ew. We'll let ourselves out.

SpongeBob

[being dragged by Squidward, still with rearranged body parts] Aw, I don't want to leave. Boo!

[lightning crashes] Ah!

Slappy

[closing door with face] Oh, you can't leave due to inclement weather.

SpongeBob

We can't leave yet. Yay!

Slappy

[pops out of platter] Oh, I can help you decide. [laughs, opening platters] We have roasted werewolf teeth, pickled demon beards, fried mummy fingers, and [head opens to reveal his brain] brains tartare. [Squidward gags and throws up off-screen]

SpongeBob

Ooh, don't mind if I do-- [reaches for Slappy's head as it closes] oh. [laughs]

Slappy

Or, maybe you would like something sinfully succulent. [opens platter to reveal a Carpathian cheese ball]

Squidward

Ooh, a Carpathian cheese ball. [tries to dip cookie into the cheese ball, which turns into several spiders]

Slappy

Uh, eh. Whoopsie! That's my dinner. [holds eating utensils, runs after spiders off-screen] Come to daddy!

SpongeBob

Ooh.[Squidward breaks cookie, winces] [waving mummy finger] Oh, you've got to try these mummy fingers, Squidward. [takes bite out of mummy finger] So delicious. Nosferatu, you simply must give me the recipe.

Squidward

[yelling] Will you go night night time already?

SpongeBob

[noticing Nosferatu] Nosferatu? [lights flicker]

Squidward

Why are you sticking out of the wall like that?

Squidward

[running with SpongeBob] I can't believe Nosferatu tried to bite me! He's a real life v-v-vampire!

SpongeBob

He's gonna suck our blood! [sobs]

Squidward

There's got to be a way out of this castle!

Slappy

[slithering in front of them] I can show you a way out. [laughs while holding battle ax, SpongeBob and Squidward wear gas masks as Squidward shoots sleepy gas onto Slappy. suddenly tired] Slappy sleepy. [falls to ground]

Squidward

[tosses gas equipment] Let's try these doors. [opens door to reveal scary monsters on the other side, SpongeBob and Squidward scream and run away, Squidward opens another door to reveal a skull with flaming eyes. They both scream. Squidward opens another door to reveal some live-action sushi and both scream. They begin running on a conveyor belt and look behind them to see a mutant gorilla running after them.]

Gorilla monster! [scream]

Squidward

Quick, [points] down the laundry chute! [They both dive into the laundry chute. The gorilla falls on its face and crashes off-screen.]

SpongeBob

[he and Squidward slide down a slide] Whoa! [both end up in a laundry basket wearing vampire outfits, and scream at each other]

Squidward

[pointing to coffin] It's a vampire's coffin! [holds onto SpongeBob and whimpers, Five coffins rise from underneath the sand and start dancing around SpongeBob and Squidward. The coffins spin around and vampire fish come out of them.]

Nosferatu two-step! [close their coffins and enter the sand again]

Squidward

End of another 18-hour shift of misery.

Oh, ahoy there! [closes the doors of the Krusty Krab and walks over to SpongeBob and Squidward] And what do you two have planned for this weekend?

SpongeBob

I'm polishing Gary's shell! [SpongeBob's face turns into a polisher and he uses it on Squidward]

Squidward

Well I'm going to a post-post-pre-modern unconstructivist dance performance! [dances as red, blue, and yellow lights flash quickly behind him]

[narrows eyes] Uh, well, that's uh, fascinating...

Squidward

All right, now bend it into a boat shape. [both bend plank into arch, brushes plank before it launches him into the air] D'oh! [lands in the distance, Bubble transition to SpongeBob tickling a plank.]

SpongeBob

Tickle, tickle, tickle.

Squidward

SpongeBob, wood planks are not-- [Wood plank grows a face and laughs, forms an arch] Ticklish. [gets hit with plank, lands in the distance, and gets crushed by an anchor]

Hmm, a little off the beam. Hmm... Hmm, [holds two white paint buckets] I know! All she needs is a nice, shiny coat of paint. [tosses white paint onto the ship, turning it into a proper ship] [looking at sign on ship that says "S.S. SEA-SCRET FORMULA"] The S.S. Sea-cret Formula is ready to set sail... [pointing] as soon as you two drag her into the lagoon. [Mr. Krabs stands on the front of the ship as SpongeBob and Squidward use strings to pull the ship across the beach, where the beachgoers are watching them.] Mush!

[seeing giant shadow above] Huh?[They all get washed over by a giant wave, which miraculously sets the ship afloat. Mr. Krabs uses a hook to pull Squidward onto the ship, who gasps like a fish.]

Squidward

[sitting in lounge chair] Well, at least this weekend isn't a total waste.

SpongeBob

[sees Bubble Bass playing in the ocean, who laughs] Huh? [points ahead] Butt-berg, dead ahead!

[gasps] Huh? [grabs onto steering wheel] Everyone, hold fast!

SpongeBob

[climbing onto mast] Whoa! [screams and rings bell, Squidward raises his sunglasses and looks at SpongeBob. The ship's horn blows as Bubble Bass notices it approaching him.]

Bubble Bass

Great Neptune's nose hair! [Mr. Krabs screams, bumps into steering wheel, SpongeBob screams while ringing bell, causing the ship to tilt forwards and make Squidward bump into the register, Bubble Bass' butt scrapes the side of the ship, peeling off its exterior. Bubble Bass then stops and looks at the damage.] Hmm... [The ship begins to sink, and Squidward plays "Taps" on his clarinet.] [waving dollar] One double Krabby Patty, please. [Mr. Krabs' eyes turn into dollar bills as he fully sinks. SpongeBob gives Bubble Bass his patty, who eats it and paddles away. Squidward finally fully sinks into the ocean. The scene fades to an open shot of the lagoon at sunset, as a woman shuts the door to a tiki booth and walks off. The scene fades to near the Goo Lagoon sign, where the screen darkens as the sun sets. Bubbles form on the surface of the lagoon, and the ship emerges, which is being held by the wise kraken.]

[roars, goes back to normal] Give me all the Krabby Patties you got, kid. Oh, I'm so hungry, I could eat at the Chum Bucket and like it. Boy, I'll tell you-- [camera irises out on ship, SpongeBob gags, Squidward sighs] Oh, boy.

SpongeBob

[throwing flowers around] Soon I will get a thrill cooking patties on my grill! [jumps to the door, but is blocked by a huge sign in front it, which he reads out loud] "The Krusty Krab is closed on account of urchins"? Oh, I must be in a nightmare!

[walks towards him, covered in urchins] It's no nightmare, SpongeBob. I'm closing me old girl up for a week to get rid of those prickly pests. Plus, I had a coupon for "Urchin-Be-Gone"!

SpongeBob

What will become of me? What am I gonna do for a whole week?!

Sally

You must be SpongeBob. Welcome to the Salty Spitoon! I'm the owner of this joint! That means you's work for me now!

SpongeBob

My new boss! So nice to meet--

Sally

Here's the grill! Here's the spatula! Now make with the grub!

SpongeBob

Um, just out of curiosity, what happened to your last fry cook?

Sally

That's our "Employee of the Month" wall! Your photo's gonna be next if you don't get to woik!

SpongeBob

Don't worry SpongeBob, it'll be just like working at the Krusty Krab.

Lalalala!

Keep those patties coming, pal! I love you!

Sally

Give me a brick covered with nails with extra motor oil! [SpongeBob ends up making a bagel] Huh? What is this garbage? I asked for a brick covered with nails.

SpongeBob

Oh. I thought that was just diner lingo. Sorry! Covered with nails, extra motor oil, Salty Spitoon style!

Mrs. Puff

[wearing a punk outfit] Whaddaya know? Whaddaya say, gang?

It's Puff the Tuff!

P-P-P-P-Puff the Tuff!? [Mrs. Puff headbutts him and walks through the smoke cloud. She puffs up to get rid of the customers at the counter, and sits on a stool. Sally watches from behind the counter.]

Mrs. Puff

Gimme a tall glass of broken glass in a dirty glass. [Sally serves it. Mrs. Puff bites the glass and chews it. SpongeBob is heard laughing.]

Mrs. Puff

That laugh. No! It can't be him.

SpongeBob

[holds up bomb with barbecue sauce] Who ordered the bomb-becue? [laughs]