Abrasive SpongeBob quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

Sandy

Gal Pals, we have to save SpongeBob!

[whimpering] Gal Pals. [The girls break through the front door to rescue SpongeBob. But, to their relief and surprise, the old lady turns out to be a sales lady giving SpongeBob pinecones on a stick.]

SpongeBob

Wow! [the old lady gives SpongeBob a pinecone on a stick] Ooh, another pinecone on a stick! I love it. [takes it and gets another one from the old lady] Wow! [takes another pinecone on a stick] I'm gonna get one of these for each of the Gal Pals.

[confused] Huh?

Sandy

[laughs in relief] It's only a cabin-to-cabin country sales lady. Not Flibberty Gibbet at all.

[off-screen] Did someone say my name? [the girls turn and see her for real this time] Hi, gals!

Flibberty Gibbet! [scream in horror as they run out of the cabin and into the woods]

I—I just wanted to say all's forgiven!

SpongeBob

[follows the girls] Hey, wait! You'll need my lucky peanut!

Gal Pals! [crash onto the screen] [The words "The End" is shown and the episode ends.]

Patrick

Oh, that's it now. Let it all out.

SpongeBob

[sobs] I-I just want to pet the critters. Does that make me an animal? [continues to cry]

Patrick

That mean old zookeeper! [scratches his back] He even looks like a monkey and he smells like one too! [scoffs] You should just make your own zoo.

SpongeBob

[tired] For my buddy Patrick. [Patrick is shown eating a poster, holding a winner trophy] I did it, pal. I silenced every bell in town so that you will no longer have a tantrum, buddy.

Patrick

Aww. [picks up SpongeBob] Thank you, best friend. [hugs SpongeBob]

[injured, holding money] I don't care about bells ringing or conditioning customers anymore, 'cause I've got a million dollars! [laughs as he puts the money in the register. He then presses a button on the register in slow motion, causing it to ring; in slow motion] Uh-oh.

No no no no no no no!

[he and Margie appear] Hello, son. We saw you fighting today.

On the TV. We're so proud.

SpongeBob

Oh, hi, Mr. and Mrs. Star. I know you are loving parents, but you really messed up your kids by ringing a bell whenever it was time for his bath.

Bell? We never rang a bell.

Yeah, never.

Patrick

[stops having a tantrum] You never rang a bell?

No, don't you remember? We would squeeze your rubber duck.

Patrick

[gasps] My rubber duck.

Yes. [holds up the rubber duck] This one.

Patrick

[takes the rubber duck and holds it]

SpongeBob

Aw, kinda gets you right in your heart's kitchen, doesn't it, Mr. Krabs?

Well, I think I can tape it all back together. [close-up of a taped-up dollar bill]

Patrick

Ducky. I wonder if it still quacks. [squeezes the duck, and it quacks, triggering another tantrum, breaking stuff off-screen]

SpongeBob

[holding a jar of jellyfish jelly] Oh, here we go again! [laughs and runs after Patrick]

SpongeBob

Wow. A life-size version of the Three Deadly Challenges. Beautiful.

Squidward

Looks like a hobo campground.

SpongeBob

No, Squidward. You have to look with your imagination. [waves his hand across the screen, revealing a more fantasy-like landscape]

Squidward

What the? No! [ruins the fantasy landscape with his tentacles] It's a dump!

Bubble Bass

Thou art two oozing cysts on the hind side of a plague dog's nose.

Squidward

What did he say?

SpongeBob

The colorful insults are the best part of the game.

Squidward

That figures. Hmm. [walks to where Bubble Bass is along with SpongeBob] So how do you win this goofball game, anyway?

SpongeBob

Since Bubble Bass challenged us, all we have to do is get close enough to tag him out. We get three chances, or should I say three challenges.

Squidward

Oh. [grunts]

SpongeBob

Oh, boy! [he and Squidward grab a sword] Look, Squidward! [slashes with a cardboard sword a few times]

Squidward

Oh, this feels stupid. [sighs]

Fred

Hey! Where's my Patty?

SpongeBob

I'm a patty launching machine! [laughing]

Fred

[takes the patties off his eyes] Thank you, Patty boy.

SpongeBob

It was nothing. [realizes his launcher is empty] Nothing! I'm outta patties! Well, I guess I just better make some more. [goes into the tray and works]

Umm mm huh?

SpongeBob

[keeps working until he comes back out] Fresh hot Krabby Patties here! Put a patty in your piehole! Huh? [looks at the state of the people] Awww... Looks like I fed my entire section. Hmm... [notes other people in the other half starving] Well, I guess Squidward wouldn't mind if I sell a few patties in his section. [goes over to the other side]

Patrick

I don't know what a pink plonker is, but I don't like it! [punches Animatronic Hieronymus with his tongue, knocking his head off]

Aaaaaaaaah!

Patrick

[attaches himself to Animatronic Hieronymus's body] Ooh! Hey! I like this body better than mine... it comes with pockets!

I like my new body too! [walks up using Patrick's body which he struggles to control] But I still want that head! [tries to fight Patrick]

Patrick

I said I was sorry, you weirdo! [they continue fighting, and knock each other's heads off. The heads keep fighting on the ground and SpongeBob jumps to avoid them while the toddler laughs and claps]

Enough! [the heads stop fighting, and the real Hieronymus Glove, stuck in a block of ice, rolls up to them while a pair of servants sweep the ground in front of him] No, no, this won't do at all! Put those heads back on their bodies post-haste! [the servants toss their brooms aside and walk towards the group] Splendid!

Wow! [the servants put Patrick's head back on his body] Are you the real Hieronymus Glove?

[the servants put Animatronic Hieronymus's head back on his body] No, he's not, I'm the real Hieronymus Glove!

Hahahaha, splendid! Do wipe that one's memory bank before he does more damage to my park. Thank you! [one of the servants whacks Patrick's head with a giant wrench] Not him, the other one!

Hmm? [the servant whacks Animatronic Hieronymus's head with the wrench] Ow! Re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-re-- and that's why we wear gloves on our hands and not our knees! Haha... [powers down and falls over. The servants catch him and carry him away]

Splendid! I'm afraid I'm the real Hieronymus Glove, and I'm at your service.

We love your gloves!

Splendid! And since being terrorized by our robots has never been Glove World policy, you are all hereby released from Glove Jail!

We've been pardoned! Splendid!

Splendid! And for proving yourselves to be unselfish and kind, I'm going to give all of Glove World to the both of you!

Ahhhhhh! [the servants weld crowns to SpongeBob and Patrick's heads] Really?

Of course not! Hahahahaha! I may be cryogenically frozen, but I'm not a loony! [they all laugh, and the floor rises up to take them back to Glove World as Hieronymus begins singing] ♪Well, that concludes our show and as you can see, there still is nothing quite like gloves!

[singing] ♪Glove World can carry on!♪

[singing] ♪And the toddler can go to bed. Goodnight!♪

Patrick

Hey! [they go running after him]

SpongeBob

Come back here, little guy!

Patrick

I saved you a Ham Fist! [the second act, and the entire episode, ends with a cut to black]

SpongeBob

I Sent this for me yesterday, and i'm still waiting.

Bummer, Dude!

SpongeBob

What?

Bummer Dude action figures, they're miserable. [SpongeBob Turns off the TV]

Hey, hey, hey spongebob, got a buncha great stuff for you today [holds up a catalog] The New "Spatula Emporium" Catalog

SpongeBob

No

[Holds up a Check] Free Money from the sweepstakes you won.

SpongeBob

[Tears off a check] No.

[Holds up a letter] A Letter from your family?

SpongeBob

[eats it up] No, how about packages, do you have any packages for me?

Nope, No Packages, Sorry to Disappoint You, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob

Well, that was fun. Now let's check that thermometer again, shall we?

Squidward

[giving SpongeBob the thermometer] Here you go.

SpongeBob

[looks at the thermometer as it quickly rises in temperature, and his eyes turn into thermometers as well. They both explode] Yikes! A fever! Squidward, we gotta cool you off! [puts Squidward into the sink and turns on the sink]

Squidward

Stop!

SpongeBob

You're right, you need even colder. [he runs to a tundra, runs up a mountain, enters a cave, and scares a blue sea bear as he comes out with a bucket of ice] Thank you!

Squidward

[gets off the sink, leaving a huge square indent in his butt] Oh boy.

SpongeBob

[splashes the cold water onto Squidward] There. All better?

Squidward

[shivering] No, you buffoon!

SpongeBob

You're right, Squidward. I have been... buffoon.

Squidward

What?!

SpongeBob

I've been treating the symptoms instead of the sickness! [pulls out a saw]

Squidward

Stay away from me with that thing!

SpongeBob

But we have to figure out what you have so we can treat it!

Squidward

[sweating] No, um, I already know what I have, it's, uh, acute... uh... spotting, uh, sclorboritis.

SpongeBob

[His eyes bulge out] Acute spotting sclorboritis?! I've never heard of that one. [holds out a book] Better look it up. [blows onto the book to remove the dust, which gets into Squidward's nose, making him sneeze multiple times] Oh, you're getting worse! We've gotta find a cure fast! [rapidly flips through pages] I found it. Here it is.

Squidward

[sniffling, snot dripping] You did?

SpongeBob

Yup. And the cure seems pretty simple. [he shows the pages to Squidward as a screaming sound effect plays] See?

Squidward

[pushes the book down] Uh, wait, wait, did I say acute spotting sclorboritis? No no no, I must've meant... uh, uh, plerkinton's syndrome.

SpongeBob

[leaning in] Good morning!

[screams, scared] I don't carry cash! [freezes, then opens his eyes] Huh?[SpongeBob and Patrick are wearing peanut sleeping bags, in front of a tent and burnt-out campfire.]

[disappointed] It's you two.

Patrick

We camped out all night to see the Gooey Sneakers.

SpongeBob

Goofy Scoopers. [steps out of sleeping bag]

Patrick

Yeah, them! [pokes head, making a hollow sound] They're gonna write on my head!

[sneaky] Well... about that... [SpongeBob and the manager go inside. Patrick doesn't move, and SpongeBob drags him and his sleeping bag inside.] The Goofy Scoopers are over. Too old fashioned. The kids want a new sound.

A new sound!?

[gestures to stage] That's right, I brought in an act you're going to flip over![The curtains open, revealing a robot of an ice cream cone wearing sunglasses, headphones, and a backwards cap. He stands at a stereo with a laptop on it and an insignia with two ice cream cones, labeled "2" and "S", on the side.] Say hello to... DJ 2 Sc00pz! [DJ 2 Sc00pz presses a button on his laptop. The background behind the stage shows a techno tunnel as EDM music plays. Kids run up and start dancing.]

SpongeBob

[covering his ears] Sorry, but the Goofy Scoopers are the only ice cream themed musical robot act [folds his arms] we'll ever love.[SpongeBob opens his eyes to see Patrick dancing to DJ 2 Sc00pz's music.

Patrick

[rhythmic grunting]

SpongeBob

Patrick, don't give in to its seductive [imitates a robot] womp-womps and wub-wubs. Please, Mr. Manager, you have to tell us where the Scoopers are! [a thought bubble appears, growing and changing with each location listed] Are they playing at a coffee house? Are they playing the Bikini Bottom Bowl? Or on a world tour?

No! [waves the thought bubble away] Oh, my, no. [points behind him] I threw those old robots in the garbage. They're never playing anywhere again.

SpongeBob

Patrick, it's Clem Clam!

Patrick

[pounds his fists] Let's get him!

SpongeBob

W-w-wait, Patrick. We're here to make friends with him, don't you remember?

Patrick

Obviously, I do not.

SpongeBob

[rubbing his chin] How are we gonna get him to play the show? [gets an idea] I got it! We'll appeal to his intellect with sound reasoning and convincing arguments!

SpongeBob

[crying] Please!

Patrick

[crying] We need you!

SpongeBob

[crying] You gotta come back, you just gotta!

Clem

[ties balloon] You can cool it, cats. Whatever your scheme is, I'm in. [gives balloon to SpongeBob] Just get me out of this crazy circus. I'm terrified of clowns, man.

SpongeBob

Well, that's great, Mr. Clem Clam, because tomorrow night, [puts his hand around Patrick] we're getting the band back together. Reunion show tomorrow night at Goofy Goober's. So far, you're the only one we've found, though.

Clem

You know, the circus's least flexible contortionist saw Bongos Bear [points right] at that massage place downtown, man.

SpongeBob

[The F.U.N. song starts playing on his headphones and splashes the windows with soap. He grabs the hose and it spins him around] Whoa, whoa! [Spraying the water to the soap in the letters] F is for friends who do stuff together, U is for you and me! [Sprays water inside him and he inflates to the third window and sprays out water to make an N] N is for anywhere and anytime at all! [point the hose up]

Eh? [the hose water splashes him and turns into a hand and slaps him.]

SpongeBob

Down here in the deep blue sea!

[falls and tries to swim back up from the hose water but he falls into the sewer] Aah![Plankton comes out of a faucet and lands on Bubble Bass' toothbrush] Ooh!

Bubble Bass! Are you brushing your teeth?

Bubble Bass

Yes, mother! Ugh.

[Smells Bubble Bass' breath and gags. Bubble Bass starts to brush his teeth] Oh, no.

Bubble Bass

[While brushing his teeth, Plankton is grunting inside. He brushes his tongue, and his teeth and spits out. His teeth are then shiny.]

[falls down the drain until he ends up in a sewer] Yuck! This place is filthier than the bathroom in my own paternity house. Time to get outta here! [The sewer starts shaking] Aaah! Terrified, mind blank, possible wetting pants! Wait, I don't wear pants. Oh, lucky me! [an alligator appears behind him and Plankton whimpers until a group of chum scare it away] That's right, you better run! [looks behind him] Huh? [The C.H.U.M.S appear] Terror double ! Please, I'll do whatever you say! Just down hurt me! [Starts crying]

[bows down] We would never hurt the master! [The other C.H.U.M.S. bow down along with the leader]

Wait, what now?

We are praising you, the master creator! [They and the other C.H.U.M.S bow down]

Come on Krabs, there's gotta be some use of this stuff we can agree on![has an idea] Let's sell it to the military! Imagine... [imagines a thought bubble] fuel for flame throwers, lubricant for killer robots, bombs that smell like french fries! [chuckles]

We'll use it to boost business at the Krusty Krab [imagines a thought bubble]: A flavorful new sandwich topping, a savory new milkshake, and a lovely new scent for the restrooms!

[blows the thought bubble with a flamethrower] Oh no! We're not using my grease to drive customers to your restaurant! [Mr. Krabs starts growling at him] Why I outta!

Why, you! [they start fighting]

SpongeBob

[takes and pours grease user a saucer into a bucket] Oh, gosh! I don't see why you need to find just one use for this stuff. I started using it for everything!

[they stop fighting]

Huh?

Wha?

SpongeBob

[A montage of him] Toothpaste, body wash, deodorant, shoe polish, all night face mask. Gary's breakfast, my own breakfast. It even cured my bursitis! What I mean is, if you can use it for anything, why not sell it for everything? [Mr. Krabs and Plankton's eyes turn into money signs]

[reading along with his finger] Dr. Krabton's Miracle Everything Juice. Not bad.

SpongeBob

Oh, Mrs. Puff! It's been so long. [hugs the potato] Did you miss me?

Mrs. Puff

[via pager] Oh yes, SpongeBob. I missed you so much. It's so good to see you. From here.

SpongeBob

Ooh, did you get a new hat? It really brings out all your eyes.

SpongeBob

[sees the mashed potatoes with Mrs. Puff's hat and wig on it covered in gravy and gasps in terror] Mrs. Puff, you've been mashed! [starts crying; he rips out his eyes and uses them to blow his nose, he puts them back in and lies on the ground as his eyes turn into geysers of blue tears as he continues to cry]

Mrs. Puff

[walks up to crying SpongeBob, puts on her hat with wig] Ahem.

SpongeBob

[stops crying] Huh? She's alive! [hugs Mrs. Puff]

Squidward

Fellow sponge sufferers, the 431st "We Hate SpongeBob" club will now come to order. [bangs the gavel] And now, our motto.

[raising one hand] We don't mean SpongeBob any harm. We just can't stand him.

Squidward

Does anyone have any new sponge pain they would like to share? [The members stick their hands out, all talking over each other]

Mrs. Puff

How much time do you have?

I do!

Bubble Bass

Oh, yes. I do.

I have to unwrap my package of pain!

Squidward

Huh? [the members retract their hands as Squidward motions for them to stop] Hold that agony. [looks to his right to see SpongeBob at the window]

SpongeBob

Hello, Squidward!

Squidward

[grunts, pulls the window blinds down, then faces the group] Proceed.