Abrasive SpongeBob quotes from SpongeBob SquarePants

A smiley face with dimples.

SpongeBob

[screams] Dimples? It was him! No, Squidward did it!

Patrick

There, there, SpongeBob. No need to cry.

SpongeBob

[He pops off Patrick's shoulder] Yes, there is, Patrick. Sandy's been gone for 2 whole days.

Patrick

2 whole days?! [tears pour out of his eyes like a hose as he begins to wail]

SpongeBob

Oh, why'd she have to go to that science convention in Texas?!

Patrick

Texas! [crying]

SpongeBob

[sniffles, looks at his watch] She won't be back for 1 more hour, 26 minutes and 47 seconds!

Patrick

Oh, 47 seconds! [SpongeBob and Patrick cry tears in each others faces] I miss Sandy so much! Her tentacles, the way she plays clarinet, her massive nose- [a nose like Squidward's pops onto his face]

SpongeBob

Uh, Patrick, that's Squidward. He's not gone, he's right here! [camera pans to Squidward planting a flower in the ground]

Squidward

No, I'm not. [walks away]

Patrick

[yelling at Sandy] Okay, you know what?! None of this would've happened if you didn't come back with your infestation. All you've brought us is fleas, and trouble, and pain, and itching, and a rash, and pain, and fleas, and itching, and... pain! So... much... pain! So much pain. [to SpongeBob] And as for you, if you hadn't thrown this party, we wouldn't be in this mess!

SpongeBob

Wait a minute. You had as much to do with this party as I did.

Patrick

You call this a party?! [taps SpongeBob's helmet] I'm beginning to question our friendship.

SpongeBob

Stop smudging my HELMET!

Patrick

Oh, I got half a mind, buddy!

Patrick

That video will show me stealing SpongeBob's donut..! Oh, oh, oh, eee, eee! I gotta hide this thing. [tries hiding it under a picture of him and SpongeBob but it slips out. Patrick gasps and took it, Patrick tries to hide the donut in the lamp but the light on the ceiling shows the donut's reflection. Patrick takes it out, SpongeBob leaves his house and heads towards Patrick's, Patrick runs around it before putting it under the rug] Whew... [falls backwards onto a chair] Oh... [imagines SpongeBob walking in and stepping on the donut]

SpongeBob

Hey, Patrick, I- [squish. He looks down and gasps] Donut! You monster...! You monster!

SpongeBob

Nothing goes with a video like toast! Let's pop some toast in the toaster and watch this bad boy!

Patrick

[screams and takes it out of the toaster] Ow, hot, hot, hot, ow! [throws it in the toilet, then imagines SpongeBob again]

SpongeBob

Get out of the way, Patrick, I gotta go!

Patrick

[worries in fear and takes it out of the toilet] The attic! [cut to SpongeBob as he walked closer to Patrick's house, Patrick runs up imaginary steps, panting] Wait... I don't have an attic! [notices he's in mid-air, and then falls into his hole while he's screaming; Patrick lands on the floor and gets up] Oh... Ooh! I know! The attic. [goes up the imaginary steps again, falls and screams again; Patrick lands and gets up again]

SpongeBob

Hey, Patrick!

Patrick

Ah! [hides the donut] H-hey, SpongeBob.

SpongeBob

Are you ready to-

Patrick

I DON'T HAVE ANYTHING BEHIND MY BACK, SO DON'T LOOK THERE! [looks both ways; the donut is in the back of his pants]

SpongeBob

Okay... No problem. Ready to see this? [takes out the tape, Patrick's eyes shrink in horror] The official testament of how heartily we party... hardly? [puts the tape in the VCR and pushes play, but Patrick stops him]

Patrick

NO! [sobs] I took it, SpongeBob! I took your donut! I'm sorry!

SpongeBob

[looks confused then smiles] Oh, Patrick! You really need to see this video.

I wanna give you this, because you're my buddy and... A donut this nice could really make a guy happy.

Patrick

You mean... This is mine?!

SpongeBob

Of course! It was your birthday.

Patrick

When?

SpongeBob

Last night, silly!

Patrick

Oh... Thanks, buddy! Hey, Wanna share it?

SpongeBob

Sure, pal!

Patrick

Yeah, pretty good, huh?

SpongeBob, what's the meaning of this?

SpongeBob

OHHHHH! SPOT, SPOT, SPOT!

That's right, a spot. You know the rule. Nobody leaves work till...

SpongeBob

...till everything's ship-shape, sir. Don't worry, Mr. Krabs, I'll get this plate cleaned up in a jiffy.

Oh, and, uh, lock up when you're done.

SpongeBob

Lock up? Wait, Mr. Krabs. Don't you remember what happened last time you left me here alone?

Should've never left you alone with a lit blow torch and me roller skates. But, since I've removed all the welding equipment from the premises, there's no-ho-ho chance of that happenin' again, right? Now, get to work.

SpongeBob

[sighs contendedly] It's the little details that they really appreciate, isn't it, Squidward?

Squidward

Oh, yeah. You really touched his life. [a customer is eating his Krabby Patties like a pig]

SpongeBob

Nothing beats making quality food for good people with discriminating tastes.

Squidward

Quality food?!

SpongeBob

Yeah!

Squidward

Good people?!

SpongeBob

[nods] Uh-huh.

Squidward

Discriminating tastes?!

SpongeBob

Testify!

Squidward

D'oh! [he breathes and angrily runs up to the customer and takes the Krabby Patty from him] Only pathetic losers with horrible taste would eat this garbage!

SpongeBob

[gasps in shock, then the customer starts to cry. SpongeBob runs up to him and starts cradling him] Squidward! The Krusty clientèle needs to be cuddled and treated with respect. [takes Krabby Patty from Squidward and puts it in customers mouth like a baby bottle] There, there. [to Squidward] Mr. Krabs will be ashamed!

SpongeBob

[starts chopping vegetables] I'm sure with all my years in the kitchen, I can make something other than... [chops vegetables into a Krabby Patty then laughs nervously] Just warming up. [Mr. Crustacean gets angry, he then screams than gets a tray of stuff and puts in in the oven] Come on, SpongeBob! [whistles and then takes out a Krabby Patty and throws it on the ground, Mr. Crustacean gets angry again, he then cracks an egg into a pan] Just one egg then... [egg turns into a Krabby Patty and SpongeBob gets mad and throws it on the ground along with many other Krabby Patties] No, that's not it either...

YOU ARE MAKING A MOCKERY OF MY--! [Krabby Patty accidentally lands in his mouth and he eats it] This taste is... is fantastic! What do you call it? [he then eats another one]

SpongeBob

A Krabby Patty.

[eats more Krabby Patties] The whole world must taste this!

French Narrator

Meanwhile, at the Krusty Krab... [We see that the Krusty Krab is all decorated fancy]

Hey, Squidward, look at this! [holds up a plate with a small fruit on it] We're charging 52 smackeroos for this little guy. [laughs and then Squidward smells its horrible odor]

Squidward

Oh! What is that?!

I don't know! Some kind of bean paste or something.

Wrong, monsieur! It is ze Rare Fruit of ze Kazook Tree.

So it's supposed to smell like a rotten gym socks?

Its naturally rancid odor can only be neutralized by shredded gold.

Shredded... [gulps] gold? [Le Schnook then starts shredding gold with a cheese grater. Mr. Krabs screams and takes it away from him] Couldn't we use less expensive ingredients?

Price can be no object when it comes to dealing with exquisite food like zis. It must be prepared with only the finest ingredients, and eaten with only the finest silverware, while sitting on the finest furniture! [Le Schnook tries to sit in one of the chair, but it is just a billboard] Zis... is not ze chair I ordered.

Yeah, well you see those were out of stock.

And zis fork of plastic... Spray painted to look silver, is it not? [Mr. Krabs starts to sweat, chuckling nervously. Le Schnook gets back up, dusting himself] I cannot prepare food UNDER ZESE CONDITIONS!

I'm ruined! Busted! [phone then rings and Mr. Krabs answers it] Hello?

Pearl

[on phone] Daddy, the house is full of burglars.

[laughs] No, those aren't burglars, Pearl. Those are just friendly repo men. [Mr. Krabs hangs up and notices Squidward being held on to by his arms by two other repo men]

Squidward

Mr. Krabs, tell these guys to let go of me!

Uh, well, you know, until I come up with the money I owe, I'm afraid you'll be staying with these nice gents.

Squidward

You sold me?!?

No! Bartered is more like it. They keep you, I keep my kneecaps.

Come on, mac! [takes him away]

Squidward

You're pathetic! [Le Schnook then walks in]

Oh, Mr. Le Schnook... I lost everything! I'm bankrupt! You and your fancy eats are all I got left now.

Not quite. My time in the chef's exchange program has expired. So my "eats" and I are leaving. [hands Mr. Krabs a bill] This is for you.

Is it money?

It is the bill for my services.

One side, please.

Oh, I've been such a fool! I turned away SpongeBob, the best fry cook I ever had, and it cost me everything!

SpongeBob

[offscreen] Mr. Krabs?

Oh, I can still hear his sweet little voice.

SpongeBob

[offscreen, high pitched] Mr. Kra-a-abs?!

Okay, now I'm scared.

SpongeBob

[offscreen] MR. KRABS!!!

Darn his cursed mocking voice! I... [notices SpongeBob] SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

Ahoy, Mr. Krabs!

SpongeBob, me boy. [hugs SpongeBob] You came back! [notices the customers on SpongeBob's leg] And you brought customers!

Oh, darling, it's so nice to spend quality time with you; what with you in the office all hours of the day. [Mr. SquarePants snorts. BlackJack busts down the door and laughs, scaring Mr. SquarePants and Mrs. SquarePants as they scream]

I got a new outfit for ya! [laughs. Both parents are whimpering]

SpongeBob

That fiend! Where did he take them? I must find more evidence. What's this? Another note. [reads note] SpongeBob, I paid your parents a visit. Now, I'm going to do the same with Gramma! You better hurry, little man-boy. BlackJack. [end of note] He's going to get Grandma, too! I have to stop him! [cut to Grandma's house] Grandma, where are you? Are you okay? Grandma? You in here? Grandma? [sees a gingerbread man on a plate] Oh, no, I'm too late! He burnt you to a crisp! Oh, that animal! [cries]

SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

Grandma? Are you talking to me from beyond the beyond?

Well, if you mean from beyond the kitchen table, yes. You're just in time. I've baked a fresh batch of gingerbread men.

SpongeBob

But where's BlackJack?

Oh, BlackJack just called and left a message for you. He couldn't make it because he's got some loose ends to tie up.

SpongeBob

Loose ends. My parents! He's tied them up?!

And if you don't hurry, you'll miss out on all the fun. [SpongeBob imagines his parents being hung over a boiler by BlackJack. He screams as his head bends and an identical head pops up from his mouth] And when it's all done, he'll need help cleaning up the mess.

SpongeBob

Cleaning up the mess? [his face deflates] I got to get help! I'll go to Uncle Captain Blue's! He'll know what to do.

[chanting] We want Mermaid Man! We want Barnacle Boy! [kids throw Squidward into the window, which solidly flattens and Squidward slides away. The kids chant some more while throwing stuff around] We want Mermaid Man! We want Barnacle Boy! We want Mermaid Man!

Uh, hey, kids? [The kids stop chanting] Uh, well, there's Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy... in the ballroom. [all the kids run inside the ballroom and Mr. Krabs closes the door behind them to keep them inside] SpongeBob!

SpongeBob

[He jogs over] Yes, sir.

Go get those AWOL do-gooders you talked me into hirin', and bring their patoots back here on the double!

SpongeBob

Aye, aye, Mr. Krabs. [He runs off-screen]

[Grabs a broom] Back, you! Back! [the broom he was using to keep the kids back is eaten. The scene changes to Shady Shoals Rest Home where all of the fish are either running away or hiding in fear of Mermaid Man and Barnacle Boy's destruction of the place. SpongeBob enters the building]

[to Prisoner 6] Oh, that is very good, Bruiser!

Patrick?/SpongeBob?

SpongeBob

You first.

Patrick

I...I like the other island better!

SpongeBob

ME TOO!

[approaching Sandy] Eat or be eaten!

Sandy

Uh-oh! Next time, I'll bring more granola!

SpongeBob

Oh, I think I landed on my pain center.

Patrick

I think I landed on a rock. [turns and a rock is on the back of Patrick's head]

SpongeBob

[gasps] Patrick, look! There's a weird thing sticking out of the ground right there.

Patrick

That's just Squidward sunbathing again.

SpongeBob

Bye, Squidward! Bye, Mr. Krabs! [sounding flirtatious] Bye, Squidward.

Patrick

You said "Bye, Squidward" twice.

SpongeBob

[seductively] I like Squidward.

SpongeBob

[the monster's belly is still rumbling] Anything else before we shove off?

I want dessert! [Plankton parachutes down]

SpongeBob

We don't have desserts.

[lands from his parachute] Don't give another penny to those fast-food phonies. That's right, they stole my idea. My, my, my... [the end of the periscope breaks off, he falls down and screams as he rolls into some wet mud, hits a rock and lands next to the Sea Mosnter's foot]

[looks at Plankton] Hey, a chocolate éclair. [to audience] Now that looks like dessert to me.

No! No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You got it all wrong, see... Hey! [the Sea Monster chases Plankton through the abyss]