V, when I watch with the girls, we don't criticize Ryder and his team. We just laugh and enjoy it.
I've got something else you can enjoy. [Sexually moves on him]
See ya, Paw Patrol. [Clicks off TV] Let's work off these donuts. I ate a lot of crullers.
Mm-hmm. [Someone knocks on door] Who is that?
Probably a Gallagher. Or a Jehovah. I'll get rid of them. [Opens door] Sister Frances.
SFSister Frances
Good morning.
Good mor- please, won't you come in?
SFSister Frances
Good morning. Have a- have a seat. Amy brought this in for show-and-tell today. [Produces a dildo]
That's weird. I wonder where she got it from.
SFSister Frances
The children were supposed to bring in something that represents their parents' love for each other. Most brought in hearts or pictures of their siblings. Amy brought this.
I'm so sorry. It'll never happen again. [Sister Frances attempts to turn it off] It's double-click. [She clicks it twice to turn it off]
SFSister Frances
In order for Amy to return back to school on Monday, Father D'Amico has requested that you come to his office today and speak with him.
You're gonna kick her out because of this?
SFSister Frances
We would love to speak with the priest.
My wife and I just need to say our morning prayers, and then we'll meet you at the rectory. I can take that- or you can keep it as a parting gift. Thank you, Sister Frances, for coming. [Sees her to door]
[Walking down hospital hall passing a woman in a wheelchair] Oh, look at that, someone got some pretty balloons!
MPMan pushing wheelchair
The hell?!
[To Liam handing him a stuffed bear] You can't visit the mentally ill empty-handed. Hey, Baxter, what's shaking?
That's because my Monica died!
BBaxter
I am so sorry, buddy!
Thanks, but it's gonna be okay! Got a new lady!
BBaxter
Hey, good for you!
[Starts moving around furniture] And by my calculations, she should be finishing up her 72 hours today. So my son and I are just gonna hunker down until she gets released.
BBaxter
Wait, this is Liam?!
BBaxter
Wow. Last time I saw you, you must have been two years old, just talking up a storm!
BBaxter
Yeah. Hey, listen. I remember your mom's face just always lit up every time she saw you when she got released from here.
Sure it wasn't the Thorazine?
Hey, Baxter, could I get the, uh, remote?
[Jen leaves her room with Lip spotting her]
Hey, I- [She runs off to elevator losing Lip] Fuck, fuck, fuck...
[He runs down emergency stairs meeting her in lobby walking after her]
Hi. Thought I lost you. Um. Uh, hey, could you wait up? I- I'm- I'm supposed to- to be with you.
My sober companion, yeah, I know, I got it. I'm just going for a little walk. I-
[They're walking across bridge over Chicago river] Hey, you could slow down a little bit?
You seem like a nice kid. I just- I just need some space, all right?
Yeah, I'm not sure that's such a good idea.
Actually, it's a great idea. See, this is like a mini-vacation for me.
Got no work, no husband, no screaming kids. No one knows I'm in town, so I'm- I'm anonymous here. Yeah, I'm- I just- I just- I need some alone time.
I'm concerned you might drink.
Don't be concerned, bunny.
Look, does that mean you are gonna drink, or you're not gonna drink?
It means if I do drink, everything's gonna be okay.
You've got a meeting tomorrow.
Yeah, a lot can happen in that time.
A few drinks is not gonna kill me. I- I'll be back at the hotel by mid-afternoon. I'll chug a gallon of Evian; I'll eat a pizza; hit the steam room; get a great night's sleep, and be as good as new for my meeting. Really, it's no big whoop. No one will know.
Aren't you a sweet Boy Scout?
[Jentakes off runnning] No- [After tripping over trash can that Jen knocked over and answering phone] Hey, Barney. Yeah, no, everything's good. No, yeah, she's still sleeping. Okay. Talk to you later. Bye. [Catches up to Jenin park knocking her to ground and gets on top of her] Stop!
Hey, look, I'm sorry! Are you okay?! You gave me no choice!
Not until you promise you're not gonna drink! Look, I'm not getting off you until you promise!
To make sure you don't drink!
Oh, my God, I told you, it's no big deal!
Yes, it is! All right? Don't fuck up this gig for me! My brother's going to prison tomorrow! I need the money for his commissary account!
Are you trying to play on my emotions?!
No, because I don't have any!
All right, well, then, suck it up until Barney gets back at 5:00, all right?! He can deal with you!
What am I supposed to do if I'm not drinking?! Just sit in the hotel room all day, watching SpectraVision?!
Uh, we could hang out here in the park! It's a beautiful day out!
Look, just relax, all right?! Enjoy, and take it one moment at a time, all right?!
Oh, jeez, AA crap! All right, fine. We'll just hang out in this stupid park!
All right! Okay! Now I'm gonna get off you, but I swear, if you run, I will tackle the fuck out of you!
Hey, look who's talking, commercial actress chick!
I'll have you know, I have done 17 films and 4 TV shows!
[Jen feigns running away with Lip jumping with a start] Hey! I'm just kidding, you little shit!
[Gibbering man wheeled out door in wheelchair]
No, it's just some crazy dude. What's so special about this chick we're waiting for, anyway?
Well, son, it's a great gift in this life to know what you're good at. And, uh, I'm good at crazy. I'm a caretaker to it. Makes me feel needed. It's how I felt with your mother. Plus, it's never boring. Look at this. [Takes off shoe and sock showing burn scar on foot sole]
[Laughs] Monica. I was asleep. Decided she was gonna light me on fire, one body part at a time.
Hard to say with a crazy person. That's the thrill. You never know what you're gonna get, moment to moment. Thankfully, she passed out before she could torch the rest of my body. I'd given up trying to find excitement like that again, till now. I'm gonna get some more of those, um, fudge stripes, and then I'll tell you about the time Monica shattered my kneecap with a pool cue. It was the best sex of my life.
That cloud up there looks like a martini glass.
Nah, it's clearly a beer funnel. When did you start drinking?
Nine? Maybe earlier. I was 12. We had a beer keg tapped in our backyard at all times.
Grow up in a fraternity? You ever try and stop?
Course. Life's hard. Booze is my only escape.
Why'd you hire a sober companion, then?
I didn't. Highland Cosmetics did after the incident, where we're doing this Christmas commercial in the fall, and I was riding a horse through Central Park, and I fell off.
I was plastered. [Laughs] Course, the horse got spooked and took off, and guess what I did? [scoffs] Start chasing after him.
I was wearing high heels and this snow angel thing. Yeah. I almost caught it, and I promise you, I could've, had I not puked.
I'm surprised you didn't see it. It was all over the Internet. You didn't see the gif?
Let's go get some lunch. I'm fucking starving.
Hey, Max. You got a second?
Yeah, what's up? Late for a thing.
I need to get out of our deal.
Another opportunity came up, and I'm short on cash.
What other opportunity? Is it something I want to invest in?
I'm not allowed to say, but I gotta act fast.
Are you kidding me? You bullied your way onto my project, and I can't get in on yours?
I'm sorry. My hands are tied. So how can I get my money out of the Sunset Brook project?
You can't. I mean, it's been invested. And the paperwork's already been filed on the partnership, so... Well, I wasn't expecting a 12-month delay on the senior center.
So what's the other thing? You getting a better return? Is that, uh-- is that why you want to bail?
Jesus. You know, I thought we had a good business thing going here. I scratch your back, you scratch mine. See how you are, Gallagher. [Softly laughs] All right, don't forget my 25K. [He drives away and Fiona mouths; "fuck"]
FDFather D'Amico
So we have a little sex toy obsession, do we?
Obsession?! No, no, I would-- I wouldn't say that at all. It's actually the only sex toy we have, Father.
FDFather D'Amico
Well, I'm sure you would both agree that exposing Amy to this kind of depravity is not in her best interest.
With all due respect, Father, we're not exposing our daughter to any depravity.
FDFather D'Amico
Need I remind you that your daughter brought a massive, veiny, vibrating dildo into preschool? Now, you may be asking yourselves how a pious man like myself could have such carnal knowledge of sexual fetishes and addictions.
Yeah, no, we weren't asking that.
I'm actually kind of curious, yeah?
FDFather D'Amico
Well, prior to serving God, I was in the United States Navy. You have no idea what loneliness is until you're trapped out at sea, away from home for months at a time. I was at a low point in my life as our ship pulled into Subic Bay. Little did I know that my life was about to spiral downward. As we disembarked from our ship, my fellow seamen and I were greeted by the warm smiles of the Subic Bay women. Let me tell you, a hug from a Subic Bay woman can take away all your loneliness, especially from one woman, named Ming-hang. Of course, I had to pay for her companionship, but what's a few pesos when you're treated like a king for an hour? Or in my case, a few hours, which turned into days, which turned into weeks, and then, eventually, my going AWOL, and being served a military warrant for my arrest.
Is this $22 for a grilled cheese?
Who cares? Get what you want I'm gonna splurge and get the Cobb salad. Final answer.
It has creamy dressing. [Laughs] Oh. So what qualifies you to be a sober companion?
I don't know, really. I mean, I've never done it before.
Um. Barney trusts me, I guess, and I know how a drunk thinks.
WWaiter
Here we go. Virgin Bloody Mary.
Are you positive it's virgin?
WWaiter
It's absolutely, 100%, a virgin. Uh, and Coke for the gentleman. Let me put this tray down. I'll be right back to take your order.
Kay. This is, like, an entire salad on my glass.
Oh, yeah. Guess they have to make up for it being a virgin.
[Lips throws glass on ground] Oh, my God.
Hey, you told Fred the waiter that a virgin meant to make it a double when I was in the bathroom.
Fuck, I miss Barney. [Gets up from table and walks off]
Sh... Jesus Christ. [Lip takes after Jen]
FDFather D'Amico
Anyway, at first, Ming-hang and I just talked and made love. Then she introduced me to something called the Hot Carl. Do you know what the Hot Carl is?
FDFather D'Amico
That quickly led to the Dirty Sanchez, and then the gorilla mask. It got to the point where I couldn't orgasm unless I was doing the Alabama Hot Pocket. Oh, that's when you defecate--
SFSister Frances
Nope, Father. Too far.
Oh, you're gonna stop him now?
FDFather D'Amico
Anyway, the next time you reach for that dildo, or that butt plug, or that ball gag, you remember me, an innocent seaman just trying to serve his country while getting choked out to the point of asphyxiation by a Subic Bay woman named... [Inhales] Ming-hang.
FDFather D'Amico
Oh, yes, right. Um, say four Hail Marys and six Our Fathers.
Okay, wait, wait, wait, wait, I have a better one. So Carl's, like, five or six years old, right?
Enough with these Carl stories.
[To Carl] Hey, let me get that.
Wow, looks like you're the one going to prison. Mm, this is amazing.
I can't believe you've never had White Castle before.
I only eat carrots, and then I throw them up. [They laugh]
All right, so he's five or six years old--
Wait- wait- wait, is this the penis or the cat story?
And he thought pee was stored in his scrotum.
But he called it his... [With Ian] Bubble gum.
Yeah. 'Cause it looks like bubble gum.
Is that what that scar is?
Well, and why the hell'd you do that?
I thought I'd save some time, bypass the penis.
See? I'm a genius. Yeah, you're a genius.
Hey, guys. Sorry I'm late. I got stuck on the El for 20 minutes.
Nice. Hey, what's going on, Deb?
[Grabs White Castle bag] Ooh. Yes.
Why is that chick from those makeup commercials having dinner with us? Oh, shit, that's you.
Hey, she's also done 17 movies and 4 TV shows.
And nominated for three Golden Globes and a People's Choice Award.
You're famous. You make a lot of money doing those commercials, huh?
Kelly: Hey.
Kelly: Say the line.
KLKelly and Lip
come on...
[Turns head dramatically] Face it. You're gorgeous.
Ian: Wow!
[Clapping hands] Whoo, whoo!
Kelly: Nice.
Ian: Okay, now the Carl cat story. Debs, you take this one.
I'm just, um, reorganizing my books by years of publication whi- whi- while learning Italian. [Laughs and haltingly speaking Italian]
Neat. I- I heard a, uh- a big crash in here. Did something break?
No, I, uh- I made a snack over there, if-if that's to which you are referring.
Uh... maybe it's time for us to get some shuteye.
Oh, no, no, no, no. I c- I can't abandon my project. That is a fool's game. Winners finish projects.
Honey, do you feel all right?
You know, I made a savory snack. A nice big piece of Brie with some crackers. You want some?
Uh, I'm okay, but thanks.
[Picks up knife, lunges to Frank holding knife at his throat] Eat the Brie.
JJamal
Here you go. RAV, right?
Insurance will cover a hit-and-run. Y-you have insurance, right?
Did you call the police? Did you file an accident report? You gotta find whoever did this, Fiona.
I did this. I was... drunk, and I didn't call the police 'cause I was drunk.
You were driving drunk? The hell is going on with you?
Fuck that. I'm not a kid. I have a kid.
All right, fine. Uh... The zoning fell through on my old-age home yesterday, which means I got Max Whitford stalking me for $25K, or else I lose my entire $100K investment, which fucks me, 'cause... without an immediate profit off that, I actually cannot afford my first and second mortgages on my apartment building, and that means I'm gonna have to sell my building. Also, it turns out that Ford's married. Yeah. I found that out right before I totaled this car, which is gonna cost thousands to fix. So that on top of the $1,800, that... I just spent at the ER and the $500 that this tow place just charged me means I'm so far up shit's creek, I don't even have lunch money. (As she starts crying) And I'm such a fucking piece of shit that I forgot my own brother was going to prison.
So, what you're saying is, you've had a shitty couple days.
(tearful laughter) Yeah, I know, right?
It's gonna be okay, Fiona. It's gonna be okay.
(sniffles) Yeah? You got a spare... $25K lying around?
No. But I got a friend who might be able to help us out with the car, at least.
What the hell, Gallagher? Is your phone broken? Holy shit. What happened to your face?
I'm fine. Just a little hit-and-run.
[Laughs] God, that looks... terrible. Like, my brain is rejecting that an otherwise very hot girl can look this bad. Anyway, I'm late for my spin class, and your PayPal didn't come through, girl. Yeah, I... tacky to make me come find you. Selling this place?
Yeah, sorry. I've just been swamped, and I was in the hospital most of the day yesterday...
Totally get it. No bigs. Just PayPal me right now. I'm @maxwhitfordsaysyas. Y-A-S. Do you not have the app?
You don't have $25K? Who doesn't have $25K?
All right, so borrow it against your portfolio. Call your guy.
I don't have a guy, Max, and I got rejected for a loan. I got nothing.
What about your other properties and investments? Anything liquid you can unload? Oh. Oh, you overleveraged? You told everybody you could swim, and now you're drowning?
Yeah, going down like the fucking Titanic.
Oh. You got anybody you can call? Uncle, mom, something?
Nobody in my life has that kind of money. That's why I'm selling this place.
Even if I could, you just... you're not gonna clear large in a couple days. Come on, buyer will need to do due diligence and inspections and probably try to back out at the end of escrow, try to fuck you with a lowball offer last-minute. I mean, you're not gonna have cash in hand for at least days. Who's your listing agent?
[Laughs] I can't afford you, Max.
Maybe I waive my commission for you.
Yeah. I am not as big an asshole as you think I am. Come on.
