Well, if you had the time, you could probably get $425K for it.
That's what I was thinking.
But it would cost you $40K in closing costs, plus 120-day escrow, and you don't have that kind of time. [Sighs] How much is your mortgage?
All right. I'll give you $292,000 for it.
Wait, you want to buy it?
Yeah. I'll take it off your hands today, in cash, as is, no inspections, close in 30 days. Could pay off your mortgages and walk away. And I'll take care of the $25K you owe the partnership so you don't default, but... I'm gonna charge you interest on that.
But that-that'll leave me with nothing, Max.
It'll leave you with your credit intact, and you didn't get foreclosed on. You're pretty, but I'm not a charity.
So one older, two younger. I'm the almost-middle. Someone's got to be the problem child, right? Are you that one in your family?
All Gallaghers are problem children. This is spicy as hell.
I told you. Arturo knows what's up.
Anyway, that's what I like about doing hair. You can change it. Grows back. Hair is never the problem child.
Yeah, I, uh, fix bikes. You know, over at Born Free.
Mm, that's right, with Brad.
Yeah. You know I totally thought he was gay when I first met him?
Heh, actually, I did too.
Mm. b-t-dubs (by the way), all the women in my family die of ovarian cancer by the time they're 50, so I'm only on this Earth for another 25 years or so.
Oh. That's a pretty intense first date factoid.
Well, gotta take life by the balls.
Want to try and fuck me properly this time?
So there's a loophole for West Point. It's there in the fine print. If your academics are not up to snuff, you can submit a personal statement explaining that you've had hardships in the classroom or at home.
Okay, what's been difficult about your life? Just ballpark. Was growing up on the South Side rough?
Come on, Carl, try. I want you to get in.
Because I want my boyfriend to be West Point, Cadet.
Wait, I'm your boyfriend? Gross.
Yes. So this is called the Adverse Childhood Experience Study. All you have to do is answer yes or no, and you get a point for every fucked-up thing that you've lived through.
Before your 18th birthday, did a parent or other adult in the household often or very often swear at you, insult you, put you down, or humiliate you?
That's four points, Carl. Finally, a test he does well on. Uh, before your 18th birthday, did you live with anyone who was a problem drinker, alcoholic, or used street drugs?
Yes. Also, I abused and sold street drugs myself.
Wow. Okay, great. That's two points. Uh, before your 18th birthday, was a biological parent ever lost to you through divorce, abandonment, or death?
Carl, you've had tremendous hardships! We- we can write the shit out of this personal essay! They're gonna beg you to go to West Point.
Oh, and I also microwaved a bunny once too.
[Lip and Kelly are finished making love in her car]
Like, a... six out of ten.
What?! I- I need a breakdown of that scorecard. I mean, where- where did I lose points on this?
Well, it wasn't jabby, per se, but it was fairly thrust-y.
Thrust, thrust, thrust. You have to rotate.
Yeah, well, I'd do a hell of a lot better if we were in an actual bed. I mean, this is, what, the smallest car in America? I mean, I'm cramping up.
Did the cavemen have beds? No. Did Tarzan? Did that pro surfer I dated?
All right, that's it. That's it. We're going again, all right, and I'm not letting you out of this car until I get a ten.
Hey, I don't care how long this takes.
Okay, well, wake me when it's over.
Evening, my nightcap-swigging brethren. I'll take a Jamie, double-double. Heavy, heavy pour.
[Monotone] Rocks or neat?
Well, Jesus, when you say it like that, neither. What's wrong with you?
Since when do you have a lady, Frank?
Well, it's fairly recent, but we're going strong. She does run a bit hot in terms of mental illness, so I had to step out, take some me time while she gets her fire danger level from "catastrophic" to "low-moderate," but damn... her blaze is a glorious thing to behold.
[Hands drink'] You didn't answer me, so... I made it neat.
Hi, Carl! Hi, Liam! [To Kelly] Hi, stranger! Oh! Stranger danger!
You've met her before. This is Kelly. What the hell are you doing?
I'm throwing myself a little welcome-home party.
Wait, you're moving back in? She's back?
[Trying to shove an oversized roast still in its plastic wrapping] Try to get this fucking beef in the oven. You gotta get in there, beef! Get in there. [Kicks it] Oh, God. Just... gah.
RRandy
Sleep well, my love. Sleep better than well, my peach.
RRandy
From time to time, sure.
Must be tough being her self-appointed caretaker all the time, huh?
RRandy
Sometimes, but it defines my life.
Say some more about that.
RRandy
[Chuckles softly] I live next to her, work next to her, protect her.
RRandy
Thank you. But love is love.
Love is love, yes. You think Ingrid wants you to live your life the way you are, entirely about her?
RRandy
But what can I do?
What can you do? [Laughs] And yet you know what I see when I look at you, Ran? I see a strong, bold, beautiful man who needs a break.
You're not meant to be cooped up, dispensing drugs all day. You need some you time.
RRandy
[Scoffs] Ingrid needs me.
Don't worry about her for a second. What do you want, Randy?
RRandy
I want to see Mount Fuji, Frank. I do.
Then you get your goddamn phone right now and book a flight. You earned it.
Don't you think Ingrid wants you to live your life?
RRandy
Yeah. [Sighs] Yeah. Yeah. Okay. You're right. [Laughs] God, you're right. I'm gonna see Mount Fuji.
Hey, hey, hey. Don't thank me. Thank yourself. We did some good work here today- some real breakthroughs.
Two and a half months past due.
FFarhad
That's not that bad.
FFarhad
Do you not pay your bills or something? We don't use electricity. It's against the Koran.
FFarhad
No, it's a joke. You think Muslims don't believe in electricity? So they gonna turn the power back on or what?
Yeah, once I pay them $800 plus a reactivation fee plus a past due charge. Fuckers. That's extortion.
FFarhad
Yeah, no shit. Would you like me to send a suicide bomber?
Sweet of you to offer, but no, thanks. I think I'll just pay it.
Yo, yo, yo. All right. I'm gonna tell you something. But when I tell you, don't look, all right?
This guy has maybe the biggest dick I've ever seen.
It's bulging through his pants. It's like a fucking balloon animal. Don't look, though. Don't look.
Dude. No way that's real.
You seriously walk around with a giant rubber dildo in your pants?
[Grabs Tami's hand and starts pulling her out of the room] Come on. We gotta go. I can't live here, all right?
RRealtor
If you don't believe me...
Hey, no, we believe you, man. We believe you, okay?
That's not real. It's not.
Either way, I don't want that guy fixing my sink.
Here's the thing. That material, as you call it, is subpar. It's from the '70s. It's on videotape, for Christ's sake. The women have pubic hair. I feel like I'm watching my parents have sex. It actually made me sad. So needless to say, my cup is empty, as is my desire. Do you have anything else? Something... from the early '90s? Some Nina Hartley? Racquel Darrian, perhaps?
What about crazy? You got any videos of crazy people having sex?
DDawn
No, sir. That's all we have.
Okay. Work with me here. What about my girlfriend? Could I bring Ingrid in to help me bust a-a collection?
DDawn
That would be fine, but you both need to thoroughly, thoroughly wash and rinse your hands. And saliva and/or lubricant are prohibited, as they will pollute the sample.
Fine. Thank you, Dawn. I'm off to Spunkytown.
Hey, could I talk to you upstairs? I'll be right back.
All right, what do you want, Frank?
Kelly seems nice. A little sad.
Yeah, well, she's not sad.
No, no, no, no, no, no. I recognize that vacant stare. I've known a lot of women, Carl. And that woman is not getting what she wants in bed.
You know what it is. She wants sex. Ten times a day. Not fucking snack time. Act like a Gallagher, for the love of God.
Okay, I can have sex anytime, anywhere.
Oh, bullshit. I got 20 bucks that says you can't go in that bathroom...
Holy crap. Well, 20 of it says you can't go in that bathroom right now and rub one out in under three minutes. I'm trying to help you. If that woman downstairs yells, "Jump," you better answer, "How hard?"
No. The bet's 20. No, wait. Fine. Fine. Fine. Okay. Fine. It's all right. Jesus Christ. A hundred.
[Frank hands him cup] What the fuck is that?
I gotta have proof. You want me to come in there with you and watch? Under three minutes. No lube, no saliva.
Hey, Carl. Remember the time we walked in on Aunt Ginger and saw her tits?
Hey, Frank. Shut the fuck up.
Were they something? Been watching this thing on the, uh, nature channel about hippopotamuses, their balls... All right, all right. That's just cheating. Their dicks are about two feet long. Sorta pink. Slimy pink things. Big bulbous head on it.
[Fiona wakes up, uses Ford's tools to scratch her arm in a cast and gets into shower]
[Pulls open curtains and turns off water] We need our money back.
What the fuck?! What money?!
We've been giving you money for utilities that have not been getting paid. We need that money back.
[Sighs] Fine. Jesus! [Close curtains and turns water on]
The bills are under my name now. That water you're using? We're paying for that. [Fiona scoffs] So, until you repay us what we've been paying you for the last three months, plus your share of rent for the last three months, plus what it cost for me to get shit turned back on, I don't really feel like sharing my water with you.
Yeah, I'll tell you what... you take everything that I owe you from the last three months and subtract it from everything that you owe me for the last years. And when I've used all of the water that I am entitled to some time in, I don't know, then we can talk about who's even. [Shuts curtain and turns water on]
...
[Lip appears in jogging attire] What are you wearing?
Oh, Tami's mom died of cancer, so her family does a five-K thing every year.
You look sort of ridiculous.
Everybody looks ridiculous in running shorts.
Debbie! Turn my water on!
Hey, did you turn the water off on her?
Deb, she carried us for years... You can give her a break. Turn the water back on!
Once you pay us what you owe us.
I'm gonna get it to you. I just lost track... [Ford pounds on front door]
You owe Carl, Lip, and I; $832.
You don't see Carl going up to my shower, turning my water off!
[Ford continues poundings on front door]
If you had the month I had, you would have lost track, too.
[Mockingly] Ooh, my Irish boyfriend left me.
Go take a flying fuck on a rolling doughnut!
Go take a rolling fuck on a flying doughnut!
[Lets himself in house] Hello? I come in peace.
[Debbie grabs a knife and walks to Ford]
I just want my tools back.
My carpenter tools. They're missing.
Well, why would I know about that?
What, you think I just wandered on to your site and picked them up out of your truck or something?
Or maybe I came into your house in the middle of the night and I watched you sleep for an hour and then I just took them on my way out.
[Scoffs softly] Do you have them or not?
No. [Laughs] You egotistical fuck! I haven't thought about you in weeks!
We thought about you, though.
Guess I'll be going, then.
[Ford walks to his truck and Fiona follows] Yeah. Damn straight you'll be going, 'cause next time, I won't stop them from beating the shit out of you!
If my tools happen to turn up, let me know. That's how I make my living.
Oh, if they "happen to"... fuck you!
[Poking head out bedroom window to peer down on Carl below] What are you doing here?!
I've been waiting in the tent all night!
But you should have been working on your hardship essay for West Point!
I've had to jerk off twice! I can't write about that to West Point!
My dad found out that I've been skipping softball camp to hang out with you! He'll kill you if he finds you here!
He only has one working limb! That doesn't scare me! [Carl realizes someone is holding a gun to his head]
MKMajor Keefe
It only takes one limb to pull a trigger, son. Get inside.
[Dax and Ryan are doing a powerpoint presentation to two corporate executives in a boardroom]
JJolene
Are you saying our biggest client is asking us to sell something that is undrinkable?
RRyan
Yeah, we're in advertising. That's what we do. Dax?
DDax
Globally, three groups testing semi-positively in taste tests... Uh, Siberians, the Dalit caste of India, and the American hobo.
JJoe
[Sighs] You mean... literal homeless people.
RRyan
Well, general indigents.
DDax
[Grunts] These were all taken on the South Side. Homeless people, hookers, transients.
JJolene
Bachman's not going to turn a profit selling to those people.
DDax
No, no, no. But- but if we use them as influencers, we can crack the Millennial market wide open. They identify as poor or as victims of a society that doesn't care about them.
RRyan
Thing is, they're not poor. They just don't have the money they think they're entitled to, and we think we can capitalize on their complete lack of perspective.
DDax
They're self-proclaimed hobos. We're simply offering them the chance to prove it.
JJoe
[Chuckles] "Hobo Loco"?
DDax
Bachman Alcohol re-branded as the nectar of the bona fide hobo.
RRyan
We need to build our campaign around the search of a spokesperson. No advertisements, no media bias, just Millennial word of mouth. Authenticity is key. The "hoboiest" of all hobos... [Changes slide to a shadow figure with a red question mark] the Hobo Loco Man.
I'm on a completion deadline, so I don't have time to fuck around, Fiona. Just tell me how much you want for the tools.
Five hundred. A thousand.
I'll give you $1,500, if you give them to me right now. I know you could use the money.
[Chuckles] I don't need... [Starts throwing dishes with food at Ford]
Little help, please? Get out of here, Ford. Get her some water.
I don't need anything from you!
Hey, you just got your cast off. How about some free coffee...
For any customers who felt that their safety was compromised? So sorry about that, everyone. So sorry.
I can't fucking believe...
MMan
[Squeezing between Fiona and wall bumping her] Oh, excuse me.
No. Did you just fucking touch my ass?! [She lunges at him knocking him to the ground]
Hey, Fiona! Come on! Fiona!
I fucking felt you! I felt you do it!
AAllan
[Manhandling Fiona] Let's go! Fiona, come on! Let's go!
MMan
What is wrong with you?! Get off of me! Stop!
Li- Lilli? How about if we get this guy a couple of free burgers if he promises not to sue? I'm so sorry. So sorry, you guys. It's all good. Enjoy your meals.
