What? What the... What happened to your head? Wh... what the fuck?
You have no idea how good this feels. We should shave our head every fucking summer. What? I-- Wait.
Okay. First of all, why was there a hooker's tit in my baby's mouth?
All right, with the hooker. It's Svetlana. And we ran out of formula, so we had to improvise.
You coulda called me. I would've brought you some formula. Or maybe she coulda went out and got some.
God didn't make formula, Veronica. God made boobs for a reason.
Hey. What's going-- Oh shit. Kev.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God. Debbie? What the fuck? Did you do this?
Know what? I think it's time for baby's nap. Okay, excuse me. Okay, bye-bye.
What happened to your hair?
If it was lice again, I could have washed it.
No, no, it was hot. And the kids were pulling on it.
I loved that hair. That-- that was my hair, Kev. I... How could you do this? How could he do this?
V, it's just hair. It'll grow back.
You fed our baby hooker's milk and you shaved your head.
Okay, okay, let's go, okay. We're just going to go. Let's go dance. Come on, let's go to the bar.
It's just a fucking haircut.
Keep telling yourself that. Come on, let's go. See you, Kev.
...
[Ian, Mickey and two friends are watching behind a door]
PPastor
Mandy, you sweet, sweet girl. It's still a sin of the flesh.
But God wants my mouth on you. He wants you to feel his love through me. Look away, Pastor. I don't want you to see me sinning. I don't want you to think less of me.
PPastor
But God granted you such beauty, Mandy.
But if you don't watch, then I can pretend I'm praying.
[A friend has taken Mandy's place and is fellating the pastor]
PPastor
[Moans in pleasure] Yes.
[Mickey, Ian and a friend are all filming and taking pictures, with camera lights flashing]
PPastor
What-- what is this?
PPastor
Yes. Really fast. What are you doing?
Yes. Oh, I'm Tweeting. Facebook too. And done. So what are you going to tell the press, Pastor? That you thought you were getting blown by a teenage girl? Or by God himself?
...
It's just a haircut. Why is everyone freaking out?
It's not just a haircut. It's you... you look like...
What? I look like a what?
Whoa, you look like a hooker.
That is not a compliment, Debbie.
Totally is. Hookers are hot.
Debbie. You're a smart girl. What are you doing hanging out with whores?
I don't know. You're a smart girl. Why are you on probation for drugs?
Your friends still aren't talking to you?
You know, your haircut actually looks pretty cute. But you're gonna have to take that makeup down by at least half.
What are you doing right now? You want to come and see a band with me?
[Sheila is confronting Sammi outside her trailer]
I hope you're here to apologize.
I tried, Sammi. I've tried to be your friend. Because you're Frank's daughter, and Frank's my husband. But I realized today, I'm your step-mother. And so to be a good step-mother to you is to be a parent to you rather than a friend. So, as a parent, it's my responsibility to tell you that the reason people don't like you, and that your father doesn't want to be around you, is because you're very, very needy. I just think you should know that, and then you can work on it. You're needy and annoying. And slutty, and a bad mother. I think this belongs to Chuckie. :[Hands her a ziploc bag of feces]
I know you're not helping yourself to my stuff.
Well, you're not using it. Who's gonna buy this hunk of metal?
[Chuckles] Donate it. It's an excellent cause... my brewery...
I will give you a free six-pack of beer, and this is not...
I'm Muslim. I don't drink.
Ah, come on, buddy! I'm flat broke until my insurance check comes in. Cut me a break. What can we barter with? What's currently missing from your life?
My wife just passed. Every Wednesday, we used to bust out the Astroglide and saddle up. I need to get laid. I don't want anything long-term, though, I'm emotionally unavailable.
Okay, okay, okay, you're in luck. I know a little blonde who can suck the chrome off a trailer hitch. You buy her a pork taco and a shot of Smirnoff, and it's go time.
My daughter. She's a looker, nice face, excellent tits, tight ass.
A goddamn nightmare. Why does everybody wait till the last minute to buy their damn sparklers? Like they don't know the holiday's coming. Seasonal retail is the pits.
I'm not used to having people yell at me all day long. [Shouts] Chuckie! Go to bed!
[Sighs] I don't have anyone to talk to. Sheila hates me. Fiona ignores me. All those jerks at the Alibi just want to bang and bolt. Oh, they're... they're awful. [Cries]
I do. But there's none left.
You know what? I have this friend. I think you two might really hit it off.
I'm telling you, this guy is different.
I need a penis break. I'm this revolving door for chumps. It's not good for me, and it's not good for Chuckie.
I'm telling you, this fella could be the one. He really knows how to treat a lady.
His wife croaked. Poor thing. He has his own business, a late-model Sedan, widescreen TV. He showers regularly. [Laughs] Come on. Why not? Okay. There you go.
Let us know if you hear of anyone nearby struggling to make ends meet or on disability - or headed for incarceration. [Hands Sheila a business card]
We'd like to buy as many homes as we can.
Oh, wow. Okay. Oh, thank you! Thank you so much. [To Frank] That was one of the lesbians. [Holds up cheque] Okay, this is earnest money to buy this house, which means they're earnest! It's happening, Frank, whether you like it or not.
Oh, God. Oh, God. I, Oh, God, I can't, I'm, I'm sorry. I can't. I'm, I'm still too weak. I, What if, I have to stay close to my doctors and my family. Sammi and Chuckie need me, and Sammi is a train wreck. And Fiona and the kids-- I'm their dad. A home is a home, damn it. I died upstairs, and then I came back to life. I was reborn in this house. I'm practically the mayor of this place. Sheils, come on, you can't take that away from me. These few blocks, this neighborhood It's the only thing I've ever had. It's the only thing that's ever meant anything to me. I thought I was the only thing that ever meant anything to you. And you. Of course and you. Yeah, you're my everything. You are my dawn and my dusk. You're the sun. You're the moon. Sheila. Sheila, I'm begging you. Oh, fuck me.
My wife, Lisa, and I just moved into the house down the street.
Adamecs had three kids. Bank threw them out.
I'm sorry to hear that. Listen, was your car towed this morning?
We don't have a car, so, no. [Note: What happened to the Ford Taurus Carl stole with Bonnie in the previous season?]
Our Range Rover was. All the parking signs on the south side of the street were moved to the north side, and there are heroin needles in the alley and serial rapist flyers. It's like the neighborhood went to shit overnight. You know anything about it?
Hmm. F.Y.I. [Whispers dramatically] We don't scare easily. [She leaves]
...
[Debbie drinks orange juice outside her house front door and then screams to the neighbourhood]
I am a woman!
...
[Fiona is at Gus' place eating gumbo sent to him by his father out of bowl while standing]
This gumbo is fucking delicious.
More of a tradesman, actually.
Wow. Looks and smarts? Did I get lucky tonight or what? And I like your jacket. It's very classy.
...
Hey! It ain't quitting time yet, College!
Look, uh, do we get paid for the holiday on Monday? What? You know, it's the fourth? Of July? It's, you know, America's birthday. It's the birth of democracy. Yeah, I know what the fourth of July is, smart-ass. No. None of the holidays. Not the tree one, the president one, the war one, and definitely not the one for the blacks. This ain't the post office.
I-I think I tweaked my back.
You're not gunning for workman's comp, are you, kid?
Good. 'Cause the "comp" stands for competition from the Mexicans who all want your job. So man up, or you're gonna be on permanent unpaid holiday.
...
MMatty
Last night, did we, um.
I know. It was wonderful.
MMatty
So that did happen?
MMatty
I was, I was plastered.
But you had a... Your thing...
MMatty
No, Debbie, that's biology. That's not consent. [Sighs]
I thought it meant you wanted to.
MMatty
Did I say I wanted to? Not exactly. Debbie, I was barely conscious, okay? You date-raped me.
MMatty
No, Debbie, you statutory-raped yourself. I could go to jail.
MMatty
Friends don't rape friends.
I-I didn't mean to rape you. I'm sorry.
[Matty walks away]
Man with taste. [Chuckles, then clears throat] Oh, oh, um, listen, look, I-I really like you. You're a true gentleman, and I don't meet many of those, which is... why I want to take things slow.
I don't want to make the same mistakes that I have with the last 30 or 40 guys I've been with.
By "Take it slow," you mean we can get at it after I finish my water?
[Chuckles] Oh. No, no, I mean, you know go out on a few dates, get to know each other better.
But Frank promised you would bone me as soon as we got back to your trailer.
...
[To Frank in the basement when he's engrossed in his beer still] Frank, I've decided when Ernie comes with the RV to tell him to turn it around and take it back home.
You're keeping the house?
I want to be with you and reaffirm our commitment to our partnership
Oh, you... Oh, no, no, no, no. Maybe later.
[Sammi comes down to the basement]
Hey! You dangled me like a sex carrot to get brewery equipment?
You were lonely. I was killing two birds with one stone.
You know, I don't like your tone.
He promised that man that I would put out on the first date!
I've seen you put out after the first drink.
[Sammi chases Frank up basement stairs with Sheila following leaving Hanzi behind, Sammi is on Frank's back pounding him outside in the street]
...in a bottle of diarrhea!
That is an unacceptable...
I am your flesh and blood!
She is nobody! All right, can the both of you...
I am your flesh and blood!
Both of you, just shut the fuck up?! Can't a man have one moment of peace?! Christ! I've got a raging lunatic succubus of a daughter, on one hand, and a lumpy, smothering pervert of a wife, on the other! And you are both driving me fucking insane!
Don't you "Daddy" me! You are needy! You are slutty! Your son is a lump of pure misery! And you have disgusting personal hygiene! And you!
You are a certified whack job!
You couldn't go out of your house for two years. You take great pleasure in shoving fake penises up the butts of the men you love! You banged the husband of your only daughter! You adopted a bunch of Indian kids, and who the fuck knows why?! And I cannot stand your unreasonably complicated cooking!
[Sammi starts crying]
Oh, Jesus Christ! Can't a man get one fucking minute of peace?! Just one minute?! [Sheila's house goes up in a total fireball explosion] Holy shit! Must've been the extra propane.
Where's Hanzi? [Hanzi's right leg comes down near Frank]
[RV dealer pulls up in brand new RV, who gets out astonished at the sight, says "Holy Mama", without saying a word to Frank, Sheila gets in and drives off]
...
[Lesbian couple is watching firefighters douse Sheila's house wreckage]
At least we won't have to pay for the demo.
RLRedhead Lesbian
Score. [They do high five]
Are you good with fractions?
Like if you have a 16th of an ounce of something, how many grams would that be?
If Fiona found out I was helping you with your drug fractions, she'd have my scalp.
No one's telling Fiona anything.
Basic overview. You got flaps, half G's, G's, teeners, 8 balls, and ounces. An ounce is 28 grams, but really it's 28.35. An 8-ball is 3.54, and a teener is 1.77. But the dealers round down. So they pocket the extra 0.35. You following?
I might need to write this down.
BDBuddy Diamond
I'm Buddy Diamond. I founded this organization.
Hold on. Your name is Diamond?
BDBuddy Diamond
Come this way.
BDBuddy Diamond
As you know, most insurance plans have a cap on what they'll pay for prosthetic limbs. But thanks to you, these homeless children will live normal lives, play in the school yard, ride bikes, run for the sheer joy of it. Kids, this is the man I told you about. This is why you have legs. Such a... such a noble enterprise. It's wonderful what you're doing for these kids. I am so moved by it.
I knew you would be. But I need the money back.
There's been a mistake. And it's regrettable. And while I would prefer cash, I'll take a check.
BDBuddy Diamond
The money's been spent. That's what I brought you here to see.
No, no. I need that money back.
BDBuddy Diamond
It's not possible. Frank, you paid for half a dozen prosthetics, including this beauty here with silicone skin that goes for $60,000.
One leg? 60 grand? [He attempts to grab the prosthetic off the kids and they fight him for it]
BDBuddy Diamond
Hey. Hey. That doesn't belong to you.
No, no. Give me back my leg. Give it back.
BDBuddy Diamond
This is not your leg.
Don't take my leg. No. This is... No. I paid for the damn leg. That's all the money I've got in the world. This is my insurance settlement. Got to get my money back.
