[Mickey is auctioning off stolen property]
Sold! To the man with the barcalounger fetish!
All S1
S1 E15Unfinished Business
[Fiona is invited by an indie rock band at Patsy's Diner to cavort with them]
Can't. I turn into a pumpkin at 9:00. [Holds up ankle and points to house arrest monitor]
Mama, stop. I'm not a cow.
Look, you got to grab this tіt, and you got to massage it till you get the milk ducts flowing, girl.
...
No, I'm done. No more breast feeding.
What are you talking about?
I'm done. The milk bar is closed. We can go to formula.
No. No, no, no, absolutely not. We are not doing formula. They will grow up with asthma, and be short, and have no friends.
Kev, kids in this neighborhood are raised on Kool-Aid and powdered milk. Formula's a step up.
When did Sammi start hanging out at the Alibi? That girl is hornier than a three-peckered billy goat.
Hey, people around here get their ass beat for missing Shameless. So sit down, shut up, and catch up. Or don't. I don't give a fuck. I'm happy to knock your fucking teeth out.
What are we going to do for money this summer?
I plan to bang as many chicks as I can, and get so good at it, they even pay me to do it.
Ha! Yeah, right. You're in a wheelchair.
Chicks dig wheelchairs.
I swear to God, if you lose your virginity before I do, I'll stab you to death in your sleep.
I'm supposed to keep it in my pants till you're 30?
[Fiona follows an obese couple out of the diner after making relentless demands]
Excuse me, was there a problem with your service? Because a tip of 15% or more is standard for--
MMan
You were slow. Thanks.
Slow?! Is it that I was slow! Or is it that your bloated metabolism can't handle a five minute wait for the ten pounds of bacon you shoved down your fat throat?!
Whoa, whoa, hey, hey! Enough, enough! Do I have to call the cops? What's wrong? What's going on?
No tip.
MMan
I want to talk to your manager.
You're talking to him.
MMan
What do you plan to do about this?
WWoman
Sir, please. She disrespected my husband on Father's Day.
Okay, ma'am. Ma'am.
MMan
Slow, rude, and my eggs were undercooked.
Sir, respectfully, if you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to eat here.
MMan
Seriously? You're siding with this little slut?
[Sean grabs the man by the collar in a rage, they exchange blows and Sean slams him against a wall]
WWoman
Let him go! Let him go!
Okay, okay. Sean, let him go.
Okay, I'll let you go. But first, you apologize to my waitress. Then you walk away and you never walk down this street again. You got it?
MMan
Yes, sir.
Sorry. You okay?
Your lip's bleeding.
I'll ice it.
[Sean and Fiona are in her kitchen and she's attending to Sean's busted lip]
Hey. Let it go.
They were just fat assholes.
I run a restaurant, Fiona. Fat assholes are my bread and butter.
Wait, are you mad at me now?
No, it's just you-- you could have gone to jail for what, three bucks?
What are you talking about?
So you take off your monitor, you're still on probation. Fighting in the street? Why are you stirring shit?
I went out there to ask about my tip. You're the one who turned into a rabid dog.
Not that I didn't find that sexy, I'm not going to lie, but, you know, pot, kettle. You bring it out in me.
So it's all my fault?
Get out there before one of those fat assholes starves.
[Fundamentalists church congregationalists are demonstrating at a soldier's funeral chanting homophobic slurs and the reverend is provoking Ian's comrades]
Jesus Christ, what the fuck is wrong with you people? [Ian grabs a wooden cross and charges at them]
Ian, you are in uniform and you're wanted by MPs. Can you not make a fucking... Hey, hey! [Mickey grabs Ian, trying to hold him back] That's making a scene.
Hey, shut the fuck up!
What are you doing? Oh, you... What are you doing? What are you doing?
They call themselves a church. I'm gonna bash their fucking heads in with Jesus.
That's a terrible fucking idea... Shut up, motherfuckers!
AMArmy MP
Are you okay, son?
Fuck you!
AMArmy MP
You can't wear the uniform and wield a cross as a weapon, soldier.
Oh, I'm the problem, huh?! I'm the fucking problem?! You're protecting these assholes!
AMArmy MP
Listen to me. I hate these pricks too, but you need to settle down or I'll have to call your commanding officer. It's Gallagher, is it?
No, we, we're good. We're good. Thank you. I got him. I got him. Stop. You want to fuck them up then we need a plan. We can do more damage if we have a plan. Let's go home and make one. Let's go. Go. Stop. You want to fuck them up then we need a plan. We can do more damage if we have a plan. Let's go home and make one.
Hey, Sammi!
No, Frank, no. Come on. Don't get her involved in this.
Oh, calm down. She's got a good head for cons.
Oh, God!
Yeah, pop?
Why would two dykes offer double market value for this dump?
What's the scam?
Not a scam. An investment.
Tribune named this neighborhood an up and comer. Alls anybody's talking about down at the Alibi.
Oh, mother of God.
What?
You are not selling!
Hey, who was talking about sell... Are you going to sell this... Frank.
They may have female genitalia, but those lesbians are the man moving in on our territory. Oh, great. It used to be that a... that poor folks could get a-a decent apartment right near downtown. And then suddenly, it's moved 40 blocks south. And then 80 blocks. Where does it end?
Well, maybe it ends with you and me in an RV seeing the country.
This is just like with the Jews. Ten years from now, they'll claim it "never happened," but it is happening. They want to move people in who can pay taxes. So they push us out. And eventually, we end up in a camp somewhere at the edge of civilization. Oh. A tent city built on old landfills and toxic waste sites. And then they start passing out the smallpox blankets.
Why you done with public pool? Someone shit in it?
No.
Someone shit on you?
Sort of. Can you teach me how it all works?
How what works?
How you make guys want you, and when they do, what do you actually do? I mean, I've seen porn, but I'm not sure I understand all the technicalities. And you're a professional, so I figure you're the best person to ask. And please don't accuse me of being retarded or a child, because I'm neither
We could see Mount Rushmore. We could go see where the... where the aliens landed in New Mexico. Or, or, or we could see The Burning Man. And mostly, Frank, we could get away from Sammi. Please, Frank, please. Please don't fight me on this. Because she just brings something out in me. I don't fully understand it. I hate your daughter, Frank. And I'm willing to sell this house that I love to get away from her. It's hate. I hate her. I hate your daughter, Frank. And I'm willing to sell this house that I love to get away from her.
Shiela, I get it. Yeah. I get it. Sammi is a tough nut to learn to love. And if we're being honest, I have heretofore failed on that front myself. But I will not participate in the destruction of my neighborhood. No, I will be remain here on the South Side of Chicago, and launch my beer, which will be a far greater legacy than any "Burning Man" will ever be.
I want to see The Burning Man! I don't get it. Is he alive and burning? Does he burn himself a little bit each day? I don't know how he burns or... I want to know.
My mother's heartbroken. My father, he started drinking again. And my brother, he won't listen to reason. Why would he choose faggotry over his family? Why?
PPastor
It's a sin that destroys, Mandy. And you have to cut that sinner out of your life.
I'm just under 30 days clean. And I still think about using every day. Because it's a constant temptation. Like a yearning. I feel it in my stomach and my skin.
I find it charming as fuck that you took a screwdriver to your monitor, and I find it sexy as hell that you had a bloody lip before lunch today.
Are you making fun of me?
No, it's just you're a chaos junkie, Fiona. And I'm a junkie junkie, so I love chaos, and when I get into chaos, bad shit follows. And women like you...
Women like me?
Yeah. Wo-- Hot, sexy, irresistible, fun, troublemaking, chaos causing, women like you... were my drug of choice long before I got into smack. It's funny, in fact. It was a woman just like you shot me up the first time.
I would never do that.
No, I know. But you're a slippery slope for me, Fiona. I coulda beat that guy to death this morning 'cause he didn't tip. And it's not your fault. That is not on you. That's on me. But I-I have a son.And I won't risk my relationship with my son. No matter how badly I... want to do very, very bad things both to and with you. I'm not just chaos. I'm better. I've changed. I think I could be really good for you. I hope you keep coming to these meetings 'cause I think they help everyone. But I'm asking you. I'm really asking you, Fiona. Just sit somewhere else when you do.
It was a long shower.
Oh, you pussied up.
Yeah, well, might have been some phone sex with Miami.
What are you guys building on top of the old nursing home?
I don't build. I'm just demo.
I'll tell you what it is. I'll tell you all what it is. It's a Starbucks. Or some sort of artisanal juicery. Or a whole fucking foods.
Just drop it, Frank, all right?
I'm talking about gentrification, my friends.
Genital what?
I'm talking about the beginning of the end. I have seen this before on Fulton Street in '64. On Kirby Street in '68. Realtors started buying up property at better than market value, and within a few months, the whole neighborhood was over run with the gentry, and we were forced out. Today, the urban gentry is monied lesbians. They knock on your door. They offer you twice what your home is worth, and they do it 'cause they know something you don't.
He like this at home?
You think I'd let him live in my home?
Laugh, laugh. You won't be laughing in a year. When you won't be able to afford to live here. They move in, they take over. They kick the homeless out of the park as if they don't have a God given right to sleep there. We are dinosaurs, my friend. And a big, fat comet is headed for our sweet slice of earth. And that comet is a Starbucks.
These quotes come from Wikiquote's Shameless pages and are available under the Creative Commons Attribution-ShareAlike License.