Let me ask you fine gentlemen, which of these congressional candidates look like you?
TommyThat's a gay Latino man and a semi-hot black woman, Frank.
Exactly. American men used to control everything. Look at a history book. We used to be the leading men. Now, we're marginalized. I attended a congressional debate this afternoon, and you know what I experienced? Reverse racism. It's all diverse gays and vaginas now. The tide is changing, gentlemen, and it's changing too damn fast, am I right? [Bar patrons chatter]
Give me a beer. I'll tell you something else. They're trying to take the Old Blue Brewery away from us. They wanna convert it into an LTGB-E-I-E-I-O, or a--a goddamn African Art gallery?
Tommy
So?
We need a candidate of our own, boys. A bright, shining beacon of hope. We need someone who will promote and protect our values. Someone who'll make sure our culture doesn't disappear. Someone who sat on a barstool and stared down the gun barrel that is the working class experience. But who?
Tommy
What about Mo White?
He did? Are you sure? He did- somebody check. Did he die?
BPBar patron
[Checking phone] Uh, says here he's alive, just retired.
Well, that's perfect. Mo White is a genius idea. He was a true American congressman. He loosened the liquor license rules so that the Irish would have some place to drink. He helped rebuild Comiskey. He put in bocce for our Italian brothers.
BPBar patron
A- and- and horse-shoe pits.
Tommy
Didn't he keep the Chris Columbus memorial from being torn down?
You bet your ass he did. Mo White is a friend of the South Side. We gotta find Mo White and write White in. [Frank] We need seed money for his campaign. [Grabs peanut bowl and holds up dollar bill] Ten bucks. I'll go first. Give me that. Ten bucks. Everybody, ten bucks. What do you say? Come on, yeah. The fundraising starts right now. The campaign pot is coming around. Hey, let's make Chicago white again.
[Chuckles and starts chanting] Mo White... [All bar patrons join in chanting] Mo White...
[Reading a newspaper] What the hell? They made a list of the rapiest bars in the South Side, and The Alibi's number one?
I haven't raped anybody in here.
No one's ever raped anyone in here! At least not in the inside. Out in the alleyway, maybe. But I knew people thought The Alibi was shitty, but now they think we're rapey?
Give it to me. Who wrote it? Bethany Pickford-Watson. Of course she has two last names.
Does she look familiar to you?
Tommy
Oh, probably some lesbo.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa! "They even pay black prostitutes with fake boobs to walk around in short skirts." Imma kill that bitch.
This is so unfair. I mean, look around. W-w-what's so rapey about this place, anyway?
I have two daughters. What kind of father am I if I'm also the owner of the local rapery?
V got to you, didn't she?
The Alibi should be a sanctuary, a haven where women can come, relax, and only get laid if they want to.
We could all use a place where we could get laid if we wanted to.
Tommy
In this day and age, you can't say shit to a woman without her crying harassment. Hell, they'd sue their own reflections if they could.
I'm just not gonna talk to them anymore.
No one talks to your ass anyway.
Yeah, but if they did, I wouldn't say anything.
Creepily glaring at them is not the answer.
Tommy
Hell, I probably catcalled nine or ten women yesterday.
You think women like that?
Tommy
I'm in construction. I can't just change. Doesn't matter if time's up or not. If a chick walks by, I instinctively grab my balls, and yell Suck on this." It's just what happens.
All right, let's start there. You can't call 'em chicks anymore.
Tommy
Tail?
Tommy
Wool?
Tommy
Women?
Mm, I don't think so. Contains the word "men." I got it. [Snaps fingers] Vaginal enterprises.
Maybe we should just stick with "women."
[Laughs] Some women like to be told they're pretty.
Now, how are we supposed to know the difference between the ones that like it and the ones that don't?
Old women like being hit on. Maybe we should just allow the old women in.
Tommy
Why the hell would we want that?
We need a consistent standard.
All right, here's your standard. Assume you are disgusting, that no one wants you to touch them, and they couldn't care less if you think they're pretty or not-- there's your damn standard.
Kermit; I've never been so confused.
The bottom line is that the bar can't be rapey anymore. If women stay away, bad for business. Plus, rapey is wrong. A-and more importantly, rapey is wrong.
Tommy
I was staying at a motel in Gary, laying asphalt after high school. Invited the front-desk girl to my room for a few beers. We ended up having sex, but she kind of cried through the whole thing. What's that called?
Tommy
Banging her? Hell, no.
Tommy
You think she wanted me to stop?
You think she was crying because she was having a good time?
Being manipulative and pathetic.
About the only way I ever get sex is being manipulative and pathetic.
You ever jack off into a potted plant? Ask for massages wearing an open bathrobe? Hmm? Rape a couple dozen?
Then you're probably an Ansari.
That's just being a dick.
Slipped a woman a Quaalude once.
What about that handsy Dr. Rob at the clinic, with the deep body hugs and the butt pats?
Tommy
Who the hell's that?
Cartoon guy. He made Toy Story.
I love Toy Story. Buzz Lightyear! [Chuckles]
Tommy
Holy shit.
Tommy
I mean, I slept with a woman I was dating's 19-year-old daughter last year. That got a name?
Tommy
W- she made all the first moves, though.
You're gonna need a bigger board for your list, babe.
Consent, gentlemen. [Picks up stack of forms] A clear and verbal consent to participate in sexual activity, [Dumps stack on counter] freely given and reversible.
Tommy
Even if we're both naked and already doing it?
Even if you're already naked and banging. [Door opens] When she says "stop," you stop.
BBeth
Beth Watson, Southside Beat.
Beth, thank you for coming. Can I get you something? Maybe a chilled glass of Chablis or a Cosmo?
Should've heard these women's stories. Rapes, beatings- I had no idea. If you had no idea, you've been walking around with blinders on.
Do you know how many times a day a guy touches me inappropriately? Hell, some asshole on the L yesterday stuck his nose in my cooch, said he lost his balance.
RRegina
Yeah. A guy pulled my dress off my shoulder at a club Saturday. Licked my nipple. Never seen him before in my life.
I won't get on an escalator if I'm wearing a skirt.
RRegina
I wear a wedding ring everywhere to keep the assholes from bothering me.
Tommy
All right, we get it. Christ.
I'm sorry. Is this stuff making you boys uncomfortable? Welcome to womanhood.
Evening, my nightcap-swigging brethren. I'll take a Jamie, double-double. Heavy, heavy pour.
[Monotone] Rocks or neat?
Well, Jesus, when you say it like that, neither. What's wrong with you?
Tommy
Troubles with the lady.
Since when do you have a lady, Frank?
Well, it's fairly recent, but we're going strong. She does run a bit hot in terms of mental illness, so I had to step out, take some me time while she gets her fire danger level from "catastrophic" to "low-moderate," but damn... her blaze is a glorious thing to behold.
[Hands drink'] You didn't answer me, so... I made it neat.
Ugh, feels like someone kicked me in the balls.
Tommy
Well, the heat doesn't help. You gotta get some AC in here, man.
Thing's on its last legs, givin' it all she's got.
Oh. V, is there a kid kicking me in the nuts right now? 'Cause it feels like there's a child repeatedly kicking me in the balls.
No, baby, just leave ice on it.
Tommy
Be better in no time, Kev. Hang in there, man.
Yeah, hang in there, buddy.
What's going on with him?
He had a vasectomy, little swelling.
Little swelling? My ball's the size of a grapefruit, V.
Why didn't V just tie her tubes? Old-school, piece of cake.
Okay, I'm right here. I'll take this one. Do you even know what you're saying? A vasectomy is like this, really, on one ball, and it's already on the outside of your body. My shit is on the inside. They have to cut into my stomach twice, pull my tubes out of my body, rope 'em off, and then put 'em back inside me. I should slap your face.
[To Kevin] You gon' live, baby.
Morning, Sweathogs. Blackout, we got a blackout.
No shit, Frank. That's why we're all sitting here in the dark.
Sounds great. I'll take one. What are you doing here? What are you doing here?
Well, congratulations. You apply for unemployment yet? My advice is, do it in person. If you do it online, they'll pretend they never got the application.
Well, welcome to the ranks of the unemployed.
Yeah, I'm fine with it. I mean, fuck them. Being broke sucks, though.
Ah, you get used to it. You just gotta be creative.
[Laughs] That's funny. You know, life is not all sunshine and rainbows for me either, kiddo. Ingrid left me. Took all my children with her. I'm still here. My unborn children. I don't think I'll ever get over it. V, a shit of Jame-o, please.
[Lumbering past them] Oh, my God, ow.
[Makes cutting gesture] Vasectomy.
Tommy
[Reading from phone] A substation blew up. Gonna be at least another hours before the power's back up.
What? God damn it. Oh, we're screwed.
[To Fiona] If you need a little walking-around money, you should hang out with me today.
Because of a little something I like to call "monetizing my neighbors' lack of foresight."
You mean rippin' people off.
Completely legit. No one prepares for blackouts around here, so they rush to the store for ice or batteries or what have you. Too late, everything's sold out. Panic ensues, and where there's panic, there's money to be made. That's where I come in. Frank's Blackout Supply has everything you need.
Really? How's the view from up there, Miss High and Mighty? Last time I checked, we were in the same freakin' bar drinking warm beer together.
Fair point. Do I charge a little more?
Yes. Double. The peace of mind of a candle or fresh batteries, priceless. So you in or out?
Aw, come on. I could use a pretty face. It legitimizes the whole thing.
After I recoup my cost, 20 percent.
Jesus Ch... Who's gouging now?
Fifty percent, final offer.
No one's gonna buy anything from you, Frank. You're Frank.
Deal, 50. [They shake hands]
Gallagher Blackout Supply.
I'm that guy now, that pathetic old guy that no one guards because he can't make a basket.
You're not old-old, honey, but every athlete slows down a bit. Maybe you just need to change up your game.
Has Brady slowed down? No, he just won the Super Bowl last year. Tiger Woods? No. He won the Masters.
Tommy
Those guys are freaks of nature pampered and coddled by an army of trainers and nutritionists.
Not to mention the performance-enhancing drugs.
Tommy
Brady doesn't use performance-enhancing drugs.
Tommy
Look, you can't compare yourself to professional athletes, Kev. Hell, I ran a 5.2 40 in high school, and now I can barely finish a 5K.
[Chuckles] Did you run a 5K?
Tommy
Well, I didn't say I ran it. There was some walking involved.
Tommy
It's testosterone. Men lose one percent every year after the age of 30.
Tommy
You never had any to begin with, so don't worry about it.
It's not me. It's my shitty shoes.
Tommy
Your shoes?
Yeah, all the players are wearing Kobes and Jordans and LeBrons. [Turns laptop around] This is what I need right here.
Tommy
[Whistles] $350?
Impact cushioning and instant responsiveness plus easy entry.
Tommy
That a shoe or a fat hooker?
But, V, my old shoes are fucking up my shitting rhythm.
It's not the shoes, honey. You're just getting old. You just said I wasn't getting old. For $350, you old as shit, Bernie Sanders old, Harry Belafonte old.
Well, I'm still buying 'em.
Not with our money, you're not.
We're on a budget, Kev. What do you suggest we skip this month, food or electricity?
All right, fine. You don't want to help me reclaim my manhood, that's just fine. Then I'm gonna earn my own money, and I'm gonna buy these shoes.
Come on, Milo. Push that 60. There you go. Gotta work off that avocado "kumbacha" smoothie or whatever the fսck you drink. Jasper, are you kidding me? Can you go slower? Full rotations, man! Do you want your name under Pussy of the Day? Is that what you want, Jasper?
MMan
Is it safe if I [w:Tesla motors|park my Tesla out front]]?
Hell no, it ain't safe, Homer. This is the ghetto, man. Get in here and grab two kegs and give me 30 curls now.
So? [Man retches in can] Way to go, Oscar. Puke is pride.
AArlo
I wanna join. Uh, you take Amex?
"Amex." Cash only! $50 per session up front, plus another $40 for the T-shirt. ATM is right there.
MMan
You're out of spring water.
I am? All right. Grab a sledge. Start working the wall. Willem! Get off the damn phone! If I see you on that thing one more time, it's going in the puke barrel. You hear me, fat boy?! Harder, Milo! Come on, man. Get it up.
What do you have them doing over there?
Bashin' a hole in the wall to connect the gym to The Alibi.
How long's that gonna take?
Ah, with my pasty propeller-heads swinging the hammers, twins'll be grandparents first, but I'm gonna finish the rest myself later.
Tommy
What the hell are you doing?
Making natural spring water. My Keggers love to hydrate.
You don't sterilize the bottles first or anything?
No. Fսck those Facebook assholes. They need the germs, strengthen their oat milk-drinking immune systems.
The extra watery shit that sits on top when you make oatmeal.
Hey, V, can you get me some more of those $2 black T-shirts from Walmart and cut the sleeves off?
Sure. So this Keg Zone stuff is actually working?
I got 20 fully paid Keggers already. Plus, I'm starting an online thing where you can do it at home.
Tommy
Kev. Kermit.
Why are you two sitting so far apart from each other?
Tommy
Take a beer, Kev.
[On phone] Okay, call me when you have more. [To Kevin] Elijah from the dispensary doesn't have weed either, Kev.
Whole city's run out. Another symptom of economic anxiety: everyone's self-medicating. Why are you two sitting apart?
Tommy
No reason.
[Quietly to Veronica] I think they're having a fight.
Saying something under your breath means "keep it quiet."
Oh, Frank! You gotta use the secret knock.
Oh, sorry. Top of the morning to you. So what you got for me to sample today in the wonderful world of weed, Master Kev, Mistress V? [Sits between Tommy and Kermit] What are... why are you guys sitting so far apart? One of you fart or something?
Tommy
Stop asking.
Jesus, fine. Sit in your own stank, for all I care.
They won't tell us either.
Oh. [Noticing turning display empty] Where are the goods?
But our suppliers are out of product now.
Ever since the 'rona, there's been a rush on weed.
They were not prepared for the demand. Everyone's out.
Tommy
It's a blessing in disguise. Pot is dangerous.
[Repeatedly] No... That's impossible. There's no such thing as a rush on weed. It's in abundance.
There's three different dispensaries we use for our product. They're all out.
Dispensaries? You know what kind of a markup they've got? I can get you more product.
Marijuana's basically just a weed. The government has no more right to regulate it than they do sunflowers.
Tommy
Or making us wear masks.
Exactly! Don't worry. I can get you more product. We can go in on this together, partners.
Barkeep, a beer and a glass of tomato juice, please.
Of course, but that's not why. I tried to ignore the Milkovich hot spot, but yet again, science wins. Pretending a virus isn't real doesn't make it harmless.
Here's an idea. Why don't you talk to them?
No, you tried to trick them. I'm saying talk to them. Listen to their concerns. Express your concerns. Have an actual conversation.
V, you act like these are human beings.
Well, nothing else has worked. It's worth a shot.
Oh, Jesus, I don't know what's more toxic, their filth or your optimism.
Tommy
What's up with the fancy outfit? Parole hearing?
No. I like to look nice for men who have nothing better to do than sit in a bar all day. Alderman sent over a list of people who didn't vote in the last election, so I am going door-to-door to get them to the polls.
You can skip my house. I'll be here.
Black people. We need to get this rent control bill passed so Black people can afford to stay in the neighborhood. Tell them to stop paying rent.
That's what the Milkoviches do.
Tommy
Where do people like that come from in the first place?
The South. Once they realized they had to start picking the cotton, they migrated to the Midwest to take part in our industrial economy.
No, the Milkovich clan came here from Poland after the Polish-Russian war. For some reason, when white people lose a war, they all move to Chicago.
All right, Frank. You ready?
No. Come on, we're a team.
Exactly. That's why the Milkoviches will listen to us. We're relatable. We're not Jordan and Pippen. We're Tommy and Kermit.
I'm surprised they didn't ask you to coach the Bulls.
[Going out door] Come on.
Fine. Let's get this over with. [Finishes drink and walks after]
Shameless · 903 quotes
